Hello, beautiful people! Great reviews for the last chapter. As always, more would be awesome! To those special people who did review:
playingtragic: Awwww, thanks! It's sweet of you to offer me comfort :)
parkitcharlie: Again, THANKS SO SO SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! :D :D
Ayamas4Ever: I'm glad they aren't too long! And we shall see, huh? (:
Disclaimer: I own your mom, not this TV show. Get it right.
The first time she hurts Trina, she's never forgiven.
"Trina!" Tori groans. It's June and school has just ended, so that means it's still a whole month until Trina is shipped off to her singing camp just like every summer. But still, one month of blissful quiet requires a whole two weeks of Tori's sister practicing for the talent show which is at the end of the camp. It's only been two days, but Tori can already tell this year is going to be unbearable. She swears Trina gets worse every year.
"I have to practice!" Trina yells back from her room. Tori's all the way in the living room and it still feels like the older girl is screaming right into her ear. Tori decides to call Cat to help pass the time. Speaking of Cat, she broke up with Daniel. First, Tori was so ecstatic, but immediately afterward Daniel called her and practically threatened to kill her if she didn't keep having sex with him.
"Hey, Cat!" Tori says into the phone, thankful for a distraction from her sister's bellowing.
"Hi, Tori! Is someone dying?" The redhead sounds genuinely concerned and Tori can't help but laugh.
"No, no, just Trina singing."
"Oh! He-he," Cat giggles.
Tori has to yell for Cat to be able to hear her. "I know, she's my sister and I love her and everything," Trina comes down the stairs and stops singing but Tori doesn't notice and keeps on yelling into her cell phone, "but my God, she has got to be the worst singer I've ever heard. Seriously, my ears have been bleeding all day! Sometimes I really wonder how she even got in to Hollywood Arts. I think she should just quit and save us both some embarrassment!" Trina lets out a wail and darts up to her room.
Tori drops her phone, then quickly picks it up again and hurriedly tells Cat she'll talk to her later. She bolts up the stairs just to find that Trina's locked her door. "Trina, please let me in! I didn't mean it!" Surprisingly enough, the door swings open. Tori didn't think it would be that easy.
It's not.
"You think I don't know I'm horrible?" Trina isn't yelling or crying, her voice is calm, as if she's explaining to someone how to knit a scarf. "Why do you like singing onstage, Tori?" she asks. Tori's taken aback.
"Uh, well, it's like I'm flying, I guess. Like, there's no one else in the world except for me. I feel important…I feel like a star."
"Yeah, me too. But I'm not good at it, so I'm shunned. You wanna know how I got in to Hollywood Arts, Tori? I gave one of judges a blow job and he let me in. Everyone hates me, just for doing what I love and have gone to extremes to get. The reason I'm so…crude to everyone is because it's easier. You have no idea how many times I've spent holed up in my room, sobbing about how hated I am. How untalented I am, too. So maybe next time you should think before you scream to your little friends about me." Tori is absolutely and utterly shocked. Trina really did that with the judge? She had no idea her sister ever felt this way.
"Trina, I didn't–"
"Fuck you, Tori." With that, Trina slams the door right in her face. Shocked, Tori slowly walks back to her room. All this time she just figured that her sister was the arrogant, conceited person she made herself out to be. Tori never took the time to consider that maybe, under all her glitz and glamour, Trina has feelings and cries like everyone else. She just figured that the only thoughts that surrounded her sister's head were just about herself. Tori never once even stopped to consider how Trina felt when someone laughed at her or yelled at her. She realizes now that the older girl is a brilliant actress; she acts so vain and stuck-up to the naked eye, but under the surface there's so much more going on.
Trina never accepts her apology. She just goes back to acting like her haughty, over-confident self, but Tori knows better. They never speak of the incident again, but the younger Vega girl notices the way her sister looks at her. Tori knows deep in her heart that she deserves it, but it's easier to just pretend like nothing ever happened. She realizes that she's always taking the easy way out. She thinks, Whenever I'm in a bad situation, I say to myself, 'What's best way to get myself out of this without getting hurt?'
She used to consider everyone else's feelings first before even thinking about her own. Now, she forgets everyone in the world exists except for her. She never would have thought that Trina would really be the good sister and Tori the selfish, egocentric one. One day a few weeks later, she feels so out of control; as if the weight of the world is resting on her shoulders. She slips a kitchen knife from one of the drawers and heads straight to her room. Her broken piece of glass went dull months ago, and she hasn't had to cut since then.
Oh well.
Cautiously, as she's never cut herself with a knife before, she carves into her right leg. Soon, the blood comes. Tori allows herself a faint smile as she sees the blood pour out of her wound like a beautiful melody. Because, really, if blood were a melody it would be her favorite song. She likes the way the cut looks; very clean and easy to read. It says "good sister" in small letters.
/
The first time she hurts Beck, she regrets nothing.
When they get back to school in September, things begin to work themselves into a new routine. At first it's awkward at Tori's lunch table with Beck and Jade (not to mention Robbie) but it eventually becomes normal again. The Latina girl can't help but look around the table and notice that Andre and Beck are the only people she hasn't hurt yet. Yet being the operative word, of course.
Tori continues sleeping with Daniel, but she decides it isn't so bad. She still blocks him out when he does his thing, so she hardly even notices him anymore. Her grades drop a bit; nothing major, just A's and B's to B's and C's. Tori's parents say as long as she's trying hard, they don't mind. She's not trying hard, though, but she figures you don't need fantastic grades or even a college education to become a big Hollywood star.
At the beginning of October, rumors begin to circulate about Beck having a new girlfriend. No one knows who it is, though, and Tori can never seem to get it out of him. Then, one day while browsing The Slap, she's sees Beck's relationship status change to, "In a relationship with Cat Valentine". Tori has to do a double take at the computer screen; she absolutely can't believe it. Cat and Beck? She never even thought they were really that great of friends.
Tori's supportive, though, of course. She loves them both and she's happy for them. Everyone else is encouraging to them as well, even Jade. A few weeks later when Beck and Tori are working on a project in his RV, her pant leg comes up. She yanks it down fast, but it's too late; Beck has already noticed.
"Tori, what's that?" he asks, reaching towards her leg.
"No!" she blurts out, knowing immediately it's the wrong thing to do. He's not stupid, though. It doesn't take rocket science to figure out what's going on here. Slowly, Beck lifts up the leg of her pants, revealing "perfect" cut on her calf. After a minute of him just staring at it with his brows knit together, Tori pulls down her jean leg with trembling hands.
"S-Say something, Beck, please," she says, her voice weak and shaky. Beck stands up from his spot on the floor and walks around the small space, running his fingers through his hair.
"God damn it, Tori!" he yells suddenly, making Tori jump a bit. "You promised you wouldn't do it again!"
"I know, Beck, but I just…h-had to."
"No you didn't. God, this is just like you; you go around hurting everyone around you when they're just trying to help. Why are you pushing me away? I thought we were friends!" Beck's pointing at her now, and for some reason it makes her mad. She stands, too.
"I remember, when we were on the phone once," she says, her voice exceptionally powerful, "You told me – no, you promised me – that you would never leave me. That if I started cutting again, you would be there for me. You promised, Beck!"
"I guess we all break promises sometimes. Listen, Tori, I'm really sorry. I just can't…deal with this anymore. I'm sorry,"
"No, Beck, please don't leave, I just need a friend…" Tori trails off, as tears sting in her eyes. Her hand finds his and she's begging now, but she doesn't care. "I just have to work through this, please stay. Please! Beck!"
He pries her hand from his. "No, Tori. I can't help someone who I can't be loyal to, and who can't be loyal to me. This is just as much my fault as it is yours. You have to go. I'm sorry, just get some help alright?" Beck gives her a small kiss on the cheek, and then leads her out to her car. She drives home in a daze. She's thankful she doesn't wreck her car; the road seems to be blurred by her tears.
After she gets home, she cries until the early hours of the morning. Around two thirty, she drifts to sleep. The next morning she wakes up with so much anger and resentment towards Beck she can hardly stand it. When lunch comes around, Tori mounts the little stage overlooking the Asphalt Café. She acts purely on impulse, once again. She doesn't give herself time to think about how it's a bad idea, she just does it.
"Hey guys!" Tori says into the microphone. Mostly everyone cheers, some call her name and wave. She smiles back. "So everyone knows how my friends Cat Valentine and Beck Oliver are dating, right? Aren't they adorable?" Another cheer as Tori gestures to Cat and Beck. Cat waves to everyone with a grin and giggle, but Beck just gives a small smile and looks at up at Tori skeptically.
"Well, I thought I might need to make a little announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, our very own Beck Oliver is bisexual." Dead silence. Tori gets off the stage and runs straight to her car. She skips the rest of the day to avoid the crowd that she's sure will harass her. A year ago she would have felt so incredibly bad about what she's just done, but she doesn't feel much of anything right now besides satisfaction. That's it; the feeling of pure satisfaction courses through her. Beck deserves it; he broke his promise to her. Freshman year in health, Tori's class was told to always be supportive of a cutter. If they started again, you weren't supposed to get mad or threaten anything.
The next day at school, Tori loses count of how many times she's called a bitch. At first it hurts, but she gets used to it eventually. How dare they call her that, anyway? They have no idea what she's been through. Astonishingly, her friends let her eat with them. She sits next to Andre the whole time, glaring at her food with her arms folded across her chest. Everyone's extremely uncomfortable, save for Jade who just seems amused.
"Alright," Andre says suddenly, "We all hate this. Obviously, something's been going on here, but I say we all just forgive and forget for whatever the fuck happened between Beck and Tori." They all agree, but Tori and Beck are a little reluctant. They shake hands, though Tori knows that she'll never truly forgive him and he'll probably truly never forgive her. She also knows this is good, because she can just go back pretending like her life is perfect.
When she arrives home that afternoon, she feels more drained than ever. She hauls her tired self up to her room, where she finds her trusty old kitchen knife. She searches for a spot on her body, which is actually a bit difficult. Tori decides on her right thigh and begins cutting. When she's finished, she's pleased with the word "loyal" in red, oozing letters.
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