Title: Emergency
Date: 7 January, 2009
Words: 1246
Characters: Matsumoto, Hitsugaya, Hisagi, Renji, Ichigo, Orihime, Rukia, Hanataro
Pairings: Hitsugaya & Matsumoto, Renji & Hisagi (ine the sense they're too drunk to know better), Ichigo & Orihime, Rukia & Hanataro (because I'm not totally against IchiHime, I just usually ship IchiRuki. And Hana-chan needs some good old loving, too!)
Inspiration: Quote: Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified. This is what my twisted mind came up with.
Rating: PG-13'ish. Strong innuendos, drunkenness, and the like.
A/N: I sincerely hope you all enjoy this. I saw the quote somewhere, and well, I couldn't resist. This is what I've come up with, so, yeah. Pure crack, and lots of OOC-ness. But it should be funny, regardless. Again, I don't usually ship these pairings (except HitsuMatsu) or any yaoi pairing, but they played out so well. And I'm not totally against IchiHime, but I'd prefer to see Rukia with Hanataro, if she isn't with Ichigo. I can't explain it, but I think it's adorable. He deserves some lovin' too!
Read, enjoy, and review!
-Rachel Noelle
Hitsugaya and Matsumoto walked through the streets of Seireitei. They were unbelievably empty, and neither had any inkling of an idea why. They turned a few corners, and came to their destination: the fourth division supply room. Since neither were overly fond of visiting the fourth, they always tried to keep minor supplies in their office for themselves and their troops.
They gathered the needed supplies, left their list of what they'd taken, and returned to their division.
"That was really weird, Taicho," Matsumoto said, scanning the streets as they returned to the office.
"Maybe Unohana called for an emergency meeting or something?" he shrugged, the answer not seeming likely but the best they had.
"But there weren't any patients in the infirmary. Nor were there any people at all on the roads or in other divisions…" Matsumoto worried. Things like this didn't just happen from coincidence.
"I don't know, but surely they'd tell us if it was something important, or an emergency, right?" Hitsugaya sounded as if he was trying to convince himself.
Matsumoto shrugged and opened the office door. They walked inside and put their things away. After returning to their prior work (Hitsugaya's paperwork and Matsumoto's gossiping) sometime near their afternoon break, Matsumoto convinced Hitsugaya to take the evening off and go out for a bite to eat. His agreeing had nothing to do with her promises of spending quality time together. Not at all.
Making their way to the western gate, they noticed again that no one seemed to be anywhere near. When the guardian was missing they began to feel a bit uneasy. Luckily, there were people still in Rukongai, and they acted as though they didn't notice anything amiss. Given the lengths Seireitei goes to keep the two separate, they probably wouldn't have known if it fell from the sky.
"Well, everyone and everything seems to still be in place here," Hitsugaya remarked, leading Matsumoto to their favorite restaurant.
Needless to say, the pair made the best of no one being around that evening, as Hitsugaya (strange, but true) tended to be rather… vocal when a participant in their activities. At least they had a good time.
They knew something was incredibly wrong when no one returned the next day, but neither had the foggiest indication of what to do about it. They tried to call a few people up, but no matter who or how many times they tried, no one answered. They sent hell butterflies. Matsumoto even tried ringing Gin in Hueco Mundo, to no avail.
They gave up complaining, and took advantage of their time alone to experiment with Matsumoto's book and games everywhere they could think of, from rooftops to the soutaicho's office. That was a thrill. At least they bothered to clean up after themselves. Come on, who wants crayon markings all over their desk? And you don't leave your Monopoly money lying around on rooftops, it'll get blown away. They restricted their bedroom activities to the bedroom. Anyone and everyone's, but still the bedroom. As stated before, the soutaicho's was quite a thrill (because the thought was equally disgusting). Okay, so they did that in a few offices, too.
About a week and a half later, when they woke in the early hours of morning, just as dawn was breaking, they heard a loud commotion outside Hitsugaya's bedroom window. There was cheering and shouting, applause from all directions, and what sounded like hundreds of sloshed shinigami.
Matsumoto and Hitsugaya dressed quickly and ventured out into the streets, wondering what had happened and just where the hell everyone had been off to. Matsumoto stopped the first person she saw, which happened to be Hisagi, and, latched onto him in a 'not just friends' way, Renji. She wondered what had happened there and how long that would last after they were no longer three sheets to the wind as she demanded information from them.
"We was gone," hiccup, "to Buenos noches…" Hisagi began.
"No, Viva la noches," Renji cut in.
"No, that ain't right, ei-ther. It was Las Mundo Noches. Now, wait, what was it…?"
"Las Noches?" Matsumoto supplied.
"Yeah, yeah. That place. We were gone there, and we fought them… Arrancar and them trai-lers… trays… tree-tors… erm, what are they again, Renj, sweetie?"
"Trainers? No, trains… erm, tray- something, Shuu, dear." Really, just how drunk did you have to be to go around claiming another man as your lover, especially when sober, you'd as soon cut your own throat?
"Traitors?" Hitsugaya was growing impatient. They could remember Arrancar, but not traitors.
"Yeah, them people. We fought em, and we won!" Hisagi pumped his fist in the air a few times, cheering and shouting again. When Renji pulled him in for a kiss, Matsumoto covered Hitsugaya's eyes and closed her own.
"Thanks. I really didn't want to see that. In fact, I may have to cut my ears off for having to hear that. On that note, you did get a picture, didn't you?" he told Matsumoto.
"Of course!"
"Dude, where were you two? We've been fighting Espada, Arrancar, and three traitorous taichos for over a week solid, and you two were nowhere to be seen. At least we won, no thanks to you," Ichigo, disgruntled, approached Hitsugaya and Matsumoto.
"When the hell did everybody leave, and why the hell didn't anyone bother to inform us?" Matsumoto yelled, causing Ichigo to cower into Orihime, who just giggled and blushed.
"Erm, you guys didn't get the message? Oh, crap. I bet I know why. Omaeda sent out the butterflies, and he sat on one. We thought it was meant for some insignificant shinigami, so we didn't worry. How did you miss your troops filing out of the division quarters in droves, though?" Ichigo tried to explain, slowly recovering enough to stand beside Orihime and not behind her.
"Could it have been that we were traveling between the human world and here, and therefore, had no freaking clue until it was too late?" Hitsugaya demanded, his icy glare sending Ichigo behind Orihime again.
"Please don't let them kill me!" he pleaded. Orihime cast her shield, just barely, to get him to calm down.
When the commotion in the immediate area calmed down, Hitsugaya and Matsumoto noticed Renji and Hisagi still making out behind them. Hisagi had Renji backed up against a wall, and was only moments short of having his way with the bigger man.
"Looks like you're going to have to find a way to support two girlfriends, Kurosaki," Hitsugaya remarked.
"Actually," Rukia, coming from nowhere with Hanataro in tow, cut in, "I'm going to be with my cute wittle Hana-chan. Cause I woves him!" she cooed over Hanataro, who blushed a little further.
"O-kay…" everyone in the small group who was sober said collectively (read: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Orihime, and Ichigo).
"You guys just use protection, okay. We don't want any babies right now, and Renji, I'd hate to see you or Hisagi catch a nasty STD," Matsumoto waved before she quickly grabbed Hitsugaya up and shunpoed to the outskirts of Rukongai.
"Renji and Shuuhei are so going to regret that in the morning. Though he is a good kisser," Matsumoto mused happily. Hitsugaya glared, to which she amended, "At least I've heard that. Not that I ever kissed him myself, even if you would have been still in the academy when I did…"
They didn't return to Seireitei for a good week, while everyone sobered up.