Chapter 37
Mending
Eleazar and Colette stay closed away for a couple hours, and the only indication we have of what's happening between them is Jasper's secretive smile. Carlisle thinks we need to give them some privacy, and he leads me out for a walk.
We circle the lake, and I guide him to the eagle's nest he showed me before we went to Volterra. He doesn't remember it, and he's fascinated as he watches the eagles care for their young. I remind him of the conversation we had there.
"I compared us to birds?" His eyebrow twitches up and he laughs. "How in the world did you ever fall for such a novice in the romance department?"
"I love that you're a novice. Even still, compared to me you've got tons of experience. You're also very romantic. You wrote me a sonnet after we were here last time." I smile up at him as his arms come around me.
"Please don't hold it against me, I'm horrible at poetry." I recite the lines from memory and he groans. "Bella, you have to understand, I've lived long enough to see some truly amazing poetry written. That's a pathetic effort."
"I don't care." I twist from his grasp and flounce onto a grassy spot. "I like it because you were moved enough to write it." I look up at him and hug my knees. "I like that you're not a smooth operator. You're old enough to have all kinds of experience, and yet I'm glad you don't. I'd probably feel like I could never measure up."
"Bella..." He drops down beside me on the grass. "...you need to get over that doubt. One thing I've noticed in vampires and humans alike, is we all just want to be loved and accepted for who we are. Most people don't care if you're the smartest or prettiest. It's not about measuring up to some ideal, it's about loving and being loved without reservations."
"That's easy for you to say; you're gorgeous. I mean you could be a model if you were human. How could I not feel intimidated by the kind of women you attract?"
He looks irritated and runs both hands through his hair. "Do you even hear me? I'm not that shallow, Bella. It's a little insulting that you think I'm looking for some perfect ideal. I love you. You're a beautiful woman, but even if you weren't I'd still love you." He takes my hand. "Bella, no one is perfect. I'm sure if we wanted to, we could tear each other down and point out every flaw and weakness. We could make comparisons to people we knew and those we only wish we knew. But I would never do that to someone I love. Because I love you, you're perfect to me."
His words take my breath away. "You're perfect to me too. I'm sorry I have so many insecurities."
"I'm a sappy old man with a faulty memory of the person who matters most to me. You don't have a monopoly on insecurity." He leans back on his elbows with a sigh. "I just don't want you to doubt I love you."
The summer sun turns his hair to a radiant aura and I stare at him. I lean in to kiss him, and his arm holds me tight. I love this man, and our connection isn't just physical. But a strong physical attraction is there, so close to the surface it only takes a kiss to bring it out In seconds our desire ignites, and I just want to get closer to him.
We peel out of our clothes, oblivious to the openness and the sun. I expect to feel him take possession of me, but instead he stops and just looks at me. I feel somewhat self-conscious as his eyes take me in.
"You should always be like this. You're like a wood nymph or the goddess Diana."
"And you are a hopeless romantic." I return his intent gaze. He looks so good with the sun glimmering on his pale skin. I run my hand over his stomach muscles and his low groan sends a thrill through me.
"This hopeless romantic wants to make love to you. Now." He leans into me and I fall back onto the soft grass, looking up at him.
"You haven't had enough? I thought after this morning you'd be satis – oh!" His mouth, his hands, and his body all conspire to drive me beyond caring about how exposed we are. I don't care that we can be seen by anyone passing by, or that we've been at this all night and half the day. I want him, and nothing else matters.
A part of my mind notices the sun easing across the sky. It's aware of the eagles coming and going as they care for their young. But the rest of me is completely caught up in him.
Sometime hours later he rises up on his elbows and looks down at me. "I always want it to be like this with us." He sounds so serious I struggle to sit and he rolls over to let me up.
"Why wouldn't it be like this all the time?" I ask.
He sits beside me with his arm around my waist as his eyes follow the eagle across the sky. "I just know how easy it is to let life pull people in different directions. I told you Esme used to get upset with the way my work interrupted our plans. But that's not the whole story." He glances at me, then looks back at the sky. "I didn't value our time enough."
He's quiet for a moment, and I rub his back and wait for him to go on. "At the time I thought saving a patient's life was more important than spending the evening with her. Maybe it was, but that wasn't always the case. I answered the call for any number of reasons that had little to do with life or death. I was territorial of my office, and I thought it was a good thing that she respected my privacy when I was behind that closed door." He sighs and turns to look me in the eyes. "I was wrong."
He cradles my cheek in his palm. "Bella, I don't want to be like that with you. I don't want you to honor that desire I have to hide away and lose myself in my work. You deserve to be at the top of the list." He shakes his head sadly. "Esme deserved it too, but I didn't give her that consideration. I thought there would always be time to make up for those slights."
I cover his hand with mine. "Do you really think we'd be like that? Here and now I just can't imagine it." I giggle softly. "I can remember doing some pretty interesting things on your office desk." His soft kiss is distracting. I want to pull him to me and challenge his self control again.
His voice is soft as he reflects. "When we were in Italy, it was hard to find time just to be alone. It can get to be like that, even when we're home and our time is our own. It's one of the trade-offs of having a family instead of a coven hierarchy."
"I don't want to lose this." I snuggle against him. "I promise Ill sneak into your office and drag you away to do wicked things with you." I kiss his chin as he laughs.
"I like the sound of that." He holds me close and maneuvers us until I'm on his lap facing him, with my legs wrapped around him. We spend a long time, just kissing and enjoying the closeness.
"Bella..." He rests his forehead against mine. "...what if my memory never comes back? Is this good enough for you?"
"How can you even ask? I love you, and you've been so good to me, even without your memories." I want so much to just hold him tight and kiss away any doubts.
"I just feel so terrible that all those romantic touchstones are gone. I want to be able to remember the first moment I knew I loved you, but I can't. I want to remember what you were wearing when we first kissed, but it's gone. I want to know if you tilted your head to the left or the right, or did we just bump noses. I hate that all those firsts are missing."
"We'll make new firsts. Do you remember the first time you felt love for me after your memory loss?"
He considers the question a moment. "I think it was right about the time I hit rock bottom. After the council meeting when it felt like everything I'd done for the past two years was a waste of time." He grins. "You sat with me just like this, and told me that story of your childhood. I just knew I'd have to be a complete idiot if I didn't love you. I knew you had me."
"Then that's it. That's the first moment you knew you loved me. The first time we kissed I was wearing Esme's clothes, and they were a mess from the hurricane. And we didn't bump noses. In fact, it was really nice. It just felt natural."
"The first time I remember kissing you was outside of Volterra. I was shocked that you'd allow it, and even more so that you opened your mouth. That was so enticing." His arms tighten around me, and we kiss. I unconsciously tilt my head to the right. When we pull apart he smiles. "No nose bumping. I love how you kiss."
"I love how you do everything." I slide my hands over his skin. "I'm not going to let this change. I'm always going to want to be alone with you – preferably naked."
He groans, and again rests his forehead against mine. "I hate to say it, but we probably need to get back home and make sure there aren't any more emergencies to attend to. We do still have quite a few things to decide about the future."
"I like the sound of that word. Future." I smile as we both get up and start dressing. When we're ready to head back, we hold each other, taking every last moment to be alone.
"I love you," he says as his fingers work their way through the tangles of my hair. "Did I tell you how much I appreciate not needing a bed to make love to you? Not that I would ever get rid of the bed, but there are so many more options."
"Any time anywhere baby." I giggle at the way he squeezes his eyes shut and groans.
xoxoxo
As soon as things quiet down after our homecoming, I go to visit Ness. I go alone so she won't have to deal with seeing Carlisle and me together. It's a nice visit, and she does apologize for her negative comments. Neither of us brings up the idea of Carlisle and I being married. I feel like I"m taking the coward's way out, but I just don't want to argue with my daughter. I've had enough of fighting and drama, and I just want to play with my grandchildren and enjoy my daughter.
From there I go to see Dad. He's a lot more enthusiastic about my relationship with Carlisle than Ness. In fact he's pretty proud that I've "landed" a doctor. I cook him dinner as we talk about our trip to Italy. He's almost as good as Ness at tiptoeing around the major events in my life. I do tell him about the new additions to our family, and he wants to know if there's any biology involved in our relation to Yanna.
"No." I sit at the table as he eats, and he doesn't even question that I don't join him. "You realize Ness is mine, right." It feels good to finally lay verbal claim to my daughter, even now that she's all grown up." He takes a swallow of beer from the can and meets my eyes.
"I've always known she was yours – yours and Edward's." The corner of his mouth turns up. "I don't know why I was so eager to keep it a secret from myself for so long. I love those kids – you've done me proud."
"Do you want to hear the rest of it?" I ask.
"Maybe I need a few more of these." He finishes off his beer.
"It's up to you, dad." I wait as he carries his plate to the sink.
He takes his service revolver from where it's stored and sits. I've seen this routine before. He wants to talk, but he doesn't like to just sit and listen. If he can't have the TV on in the background, he'll find something else to do with his hands. He'll organize his tackle box, clean and shine his badge, or polish his shoes while he listens.
"Go ahead." While he takes the gun apart and cleans it, I go into all the details of what his little girl has become. He's his usual quiet self, but I know he's listening. He doesn't ask questions, and I finally run out of details.
"So, you're all vampires," he snorts. "You know, there's a big part of me that wants to laugh and look for a hidden camera. But I guess I've known all along that there was just something that set the Cullens apart from everyone else. No wonder Billy wouldn't talk about it." I haven't even mentioned the wolves.
"Do you have any questions?" I chew my lip as he tidies up the table.
"If I shot on of them with this, what would happen?" He points the gun at the floor and looks down the sights.
"I'm not really sure, Dad. It probably wouldn't penetrate, and it might bounce off and hit someone else. They – we're very hard to kill."
He exhales loudly. "I guess that's good to know." His eyes meet mine across the table. "You're still you, right? I mean you're not creeping through the night hunting babies or anything?"
I laugh at the image. "No Dad, I'm still the same. I've never killed anyone, and neither has Carlisle."
"But some of the others have, am I right?"
"Before they knew any better..."
"Damn!" His brows draw together and the chair scrapes against the floor as he gets up in a hurry. "You see, that's the reason I didn't want to know all this crap! Once I know for sure, I feel like I should do something about it." He pounds the table for emphasis.
"You can't do anything about it, Dad. No one really can – no one living that is. For a long time, we weren't allowed to tell anyone."
"So what's changed? It's got something to do with what happened two years ago, doesn't it?"
"Yes." It takes two more hours to explain about the war and its aftermath.
"So not only are there vampires, there are half-vampires, werewolves, and shape-shifters?" He shakes his head. "I don't know how you keep it all secret. I mean this has been right in my own backyard, and I wouldn't have noticed if it weren't for you." He stores his gun and sits back down. For once I've got his undivided attention. "It was Edward who got you involved in all this, right?"
"It wasn't his fault, Daddy. He tried to protect me from it all. I just loved him too much to give up on him."
"He should have known better. If he loved you he should have kept this from you."
"No Dad, you're wrong." I've rarely disagreed with my father. "I loved him, and the more he tried to stay away from me and protect me, the more it hurt me and put me in danger. They even left Forks to protect me from being accidentally bitten..."
"My god, is that what happened? I had you on suicide watch little girl. Seriously, I told your teachers to look out for you. I was scared to death I was going to come home and find your body. I had anything you could hurt yourself with locked up, and you didn't even notice."
"I'm sorry I put you through that. But I loved him, and I thought I'd rather be dead than live without him."
"Are you talking about when you were in school and he left, or two years ago after he died?" I almost wish he was cleaning his tackle box with the intense way his eyes lock onto mine.
"Both." I look away. "I know it's crazy now. But I just can't think straight when I lose someone I love."
"I know how you feel." His voice is so low I turn back to meet his eyes, and he's the one to look away. "You get that from me." He deliberately rolls up his left sleeve. He takes off his heavy watch, and my eyes easily see the jagged scar across his wrist.
"After your mother left and took you with her, I did this. I just wanted to die. I made the first cut and the razor blade fell into the toilet." He laughs without humor. "I came down to get my gun – thought I'd eat a bullet. But I couldn't do it." He nods to the pictures on the wall. "I saw your picture there, and put the gun away. For a long time that picture was all that stood between me and a six foot deep hole." He puts his watch back in place and rolls his sleeve back down.
I startle him when I come around the table to hug him. But then he puts his arms around me for a rare hug. "I love you Daddy. I'm so glad you're still here." When I pull away, he looks more closely at me.
"Life's been good to me..." He stares. "Your skin catches the light." He reaches up to touch my face. "You're not really soft, and you're cold."
"We learn how to keep our distance. My heart doesn't beat either, if you were wondering."
"It would have been nice to have such resilience when you were falling down all the time. You know, I actually suspected Phil or your mother abused you, until I saw it for myself." I have to laugh.
"Yeah, it's been a pretty good trade-off for me." I look him in the eyes. "Can you be happy for me?
"About being a vampire, or about the new love of your life?" He absently takes my hand and tries to warm it between his.
"All of it. I'm happy, and I really love Carlisle. He's a good man, Dad."
"A good man?" He looks skeptical.
"Yes – man. He's got more humanity in his little finger than most humans have in their whole body. He makes the world a better place. He makes me happier than I ever thought I could be."
He smiles and kisses my hand. "I guess I'm happy for you then, Bells." He leans over and picks up his tackle box. He pops the lid and I can see plenty of dirt and disorder.
"I'm glad you came by. I've been meaning to talk to you about something else. You know I've been spending a lot of time with Sue Clearwater...?" An hour and an organized tackle box later, I have a better idea of how Ness must feel. My dad wants to ask Sue to marry him.
xoxoxo
As we head into September, school starts and Carlisle and Jasper begin their practice together. It seems strange to spend so much of our day apart. I decide to go back to school with Yanna, Nahuel, and Colette. Huilen decides to teach a class in weaving.
Even before Aro's son visits with his and Gemma's son, her daughter arrives. She comes with a hired caregiver, who leaves as soon as she transfers the girl to her mother. The girl is the equivalent of six, and she's an adorable girl with hazel eyes and auburn hair touched with red. Unlike Felicia, she's been cared for and taught well. She's fluent in Romanian as well as Italian. The two little girls are close in age, but completely different. Still they instantly bond as best friends, reminding me of Alice and myself.
Since we're all apart for most of the day, we come together in the evenings at dinnertime. It's Alice's idea, as she wants to give the young hybrids a real sense of family. The hybrids have their meal, and it gives us all a chance to talk and catch up with each other. Carlisle has had the pieces of the Volturi council table shipped to us. He and Garrett painstakingly put it back together, and it's now our dining room table. It stands as a reminder that even the most broken things can be put back together again with enough effort.
Garrett, Eleazar, and even Rosalie helped finish the garage in record time. Once Carlisle came up with the plans to put our private space out there, the others were glad to help out. There's a possibility we may have more company and need the space in the house. We exchange emails and video chat with Volterra, and Armando has already planned to bring Arianna with him on a visit in the spring.
Jasper also tells us that Peter is trying to adopt the animals only diet so he can spend more time with his friend. Alice has been spending some time trying to track down what happened to Colette's children. She doesn't think they made it out of Africa.
Colette and Eleazar are a couple now. It makes me smile every time I see them together. He's a lot more mature than she is, but she just adores him. He's got the same old-fashioned values as Carlisle, and he won't even spend time alone with her unless she's chaperoned. He's bought the house in Forks from Carlisle, and he wants to live there with her after they're married.
Fortunately no one questions that Carlisle and I are sharing our lives already. I love the new suite. Its got a bedroom, a luxurious bathroom, and a sitting room. Carlisle has a small office, and a French door leads to a private deck.
I meet him there on a cool September evening after our family dinner. Even before we say a word, we shed clothes and the worries of the day, and leave them in a pile on the floor. The whirlpool tub in the bathroom has become a favorite retreat for us. We both relax in the hot water, gazing at the deep wooded scenery through a one way glass wall. I snuggle against him as his strong arms come around me, gliding over my wet skin.
"How was your day, Missus Cullen?" I have to smile. I'm the only Missus Cullen, and he's the only Mister. Jasper has gone back to Whitlock, as has Alice and Felicia. Rosalie is a Henry, as Garrett has never changed his last name. Nahuel's family all carry his last name, including Gemma's daughter Carolina. Yanna is Miss Cullen, and she's very much our daughter.
"I'm doing much better now that you're here." I kiss him. It feels so good just to be with him like this. As much as I used to hate not being able to sleep and dream, I am now grateful that I don't need to sleep. There are so many times our days are too busy to spend any time together. We do dinner, clean up, maybe hunt, do homework, and still deal with council business remotely. Alice has also instituted a weekly family game night, as well as movie night. Then Carlisle and Jasper consult on their joint practice, and it can be very late by the time we make it to our suite.
But even if it's the dead of night, we always make love. I need him, and that need isn't dimming with time. He's my touchstone – my center. I can't picture my life without him in it. I play with the hair on his forehead as I straddle him in the churning water of the tub. I want him.
"How was your visit with Ness today?" I groan and climb back off his lap. I flick water into his face.
"Buzzkill."
"I take it not very well?" He looks so concerned.
I sigh loudly. "She's being a real pain in the ass!" He raises his eyebrows. "Sorry, I'm trying to stop that for the sake of the kids. But I just don't get her. She's living in denial. I really don't want to play her little game, but if I want to see the grand kids, I've got to follow her stupid rules. I should have paddled her when she was a child!" I grumble.
"She'll get over it soon enough, darling." He pulls me snug against him. "When I saw her last week, we had a nice visit. Sarah can't understand why I won't go play with the neighbor's litter of puppies with her. Did you notice that Masen looks like a perfect cross between Edward and Jacob? How ironic is that?" He's right, and I laugh softly as I think of how two men who hated each other have so clearly contributed their genes to make one beautiful baby.
"If it weren't for those babies, I'd..."
"No you wouldn't. You're not going to write your daughter off, just because you have a disagreement."
"This isn't just a disagreement! She doesn't want to accept that we're in love!"
"She knows we're in love, Bella." He kisses the back of my neck.
"But she doesn't want to see us together. What's she trying to accomplish? I'm not changing my mind!"
"Shh, calm down love." He holds me tight and nuzzles my ear. "I've talked with Jasper, and we agree, it's probably a bit of delayed reaction to everything that happened in the war. She's got some postpartum hormone issues, as well as more responsibility with the baby. She's not been sleeping well, since Masen still wakes up every four hours for a feeding. I've advised her to put more time between his feedings."
"I don't think it's too much to ask, for me to want to visit my daughter at the same time you do. We shouldn't have to trade off, just because she's being a brat!"
He laughs, and the sound rumbles into my ear. "The 'brat' has a husband and two kids. I think part of the problem is there's also a little bit of that hybrid immaturity showing itself. She's had a lot of changes in a relatively short time. She's just trying to hold on to what's familiar. She just needs a little extra security right now."
"Why does it have to be at our expense?"
"Now that's definitely a teenager thing. She is actually a teenager, according to her chronological age. It's pretty common for teens to be wonderful, responsible, mature, and kind to everyone but their parents – specifically their mothers. They get to see all the worst behaviors. It's because of their unconditional love and acceptance. They are a teens safe place to fall apart. It may seem like Nessie has singled us out for some special torment, but it's because she knows we love her and that's never going to change."
"She doesn't want us to get married."
"We're already married." His hands move over my body in a way that makes me shiver.
"Yeah, but Ness doesn't know that."
"It doesn't matter." His tongue follows a water droplet up my neck, then traces the outline of my ear. "All that matters now, is how much I want you." He pulls me onto his lap, and Ness is forgotten with the thrust of his hips.
xoxoxo
At the end of September, Angelo comes to visit with his son. He's already spent a couple weeks in Volterra, and he comes with a lot of stories to tell. For the first day or two we're all on our best behavior, not knowing how he'll get along with Gemma and Nahuel. Whatever ability he used to take their memories, he uses so they can remember.
Nahuel is grateful to finally remember what had really happened to them. But Gemma has a lot to come to terms with, after all that's been done to her. Colette is horrified at how much she participated in Joham's torture. She collapses in Eleazar's arms broken-hearted and weeping.
The children on the other hand have a wonderful time. Felicia, Carolina, and Christiano have a whole great outdoors to explore, and Alice keeps watch over them all. After the first couple days, it feels like Angelo is part of the family. The hybrid diet helps, but it's also because Nahuel is so relaxed around the man, even though he's been intimate with his wife.
I ask him about it, since he's handling the visit even better than Huilen, Colette, and Gemma. He answers calmly. "I love my wife. But she has suffered greatly at Joham's hands. Joham raped her to become Carolina's father. He only wanted the child so he could force her to follow orders." He smiles sadly. "Gemma used to be quite a bit more spirited. Her father tried to rebel against Joham, and Joham took his only daughter. Gemma tried to rebel against him and he took Carolina away from her."
I don't think I'll ever get used to some of the things I learn about that monster. Nahuel continues. "When Angelo was mated with Gemma, he was barely old enough to father a child with her. Gemma was commanded to seduce the boy. I don't bear him any ill will." He lowers his voice. "His child and mine will both have the same human life expectancy. What really confounds me, is that I'm raising my daughter and my half-sister, and my wife gave birth to them both." He shakes his head. "My wife deserves every bit of love and patience I can give her."
His attitude overwhelms me, and I have to sit down as an idea grows in my head. Joham has cost us all on a scale that's hard to imagine. But as we pull ourselves out of the past and all of our mourning, I realize we've been left with some amazing treasures. Nahuel is not his father's son. The very man who tortured and traumatized Gemma, is somehow the same man who fathered Nahuel. The serene patience he carries with him makes me glad to know him.
Joham is also little Carolina's father. The girl is precious, and we have all come to love her. I'm a bit surprised when Eleazar let's us know that she carries a bit of her father's gift in her. "It's not the overwhelming controlling charm of Joham." He informs us. "It's a passive charm, more like Jasper's ability. She actually reminds me more of Didyme."
Joham also left us with Colette. In such a short time, she's changed so much. As soon as Eleazar put an engagement ring on her finger she cane to show me. "You were right!" She all but squealed. "Being in love is so much better – I can't believe I almost missed this! He's such a beautiful man, and he's all mine!" Then she did squeal and twirl away to show everyone else. I know exactly how she feels.
A few days later she has to face the sad news that Joham's enemies in Africa killed her two children. As near as we can tell, some of the hybrids he created there, did as Nahuel had done. They'd created vampires. They were still newborn strength, and a couple of them had discovered Colette's babies while trying to find Joham. They took out their hatred of him on his children.
The horrible fact is that their deaths happened very shortly after the group left Africa, and he knew it. He threatened to harm children who were already dead so he could force her to do what he wanted. Eleazar tries to comfort Colette, and it works a little. But it's Gemma who comforts her. They've both lost children and suffered at the hands of Joham. From that moment on, I see a friendship form between the two woman.
The loss has matured Colette in a way nothing else could. She's coming to terms with all the disillusionment of her father, and she's choosing to do things on her own terms. Eleazar offers to start their family right away if that's what she wants. Instead she decides she wants to complete her schooling first.
The first of October brings a frantic call from Ness. "Mom, thank god you're there! I need Carlisle – Masen's sick!" She explains his symptoms: Fever, vomiting, diarrhea , and listlessness. Carlisle is at his office, but for some reason he didn't answer the phone. He was still in the process of finding a good receptionist.
"Can you get him to drink something?"
"He won't keep anything down, not even water. I'm scared mom."
"I'll take care of it, Sweetheart. I'll call you back and let you know what he says." When I reach him, Carlisle wants to have her take him to the local emergency room.
"She needs to tell them he's my patient, and he's dehydrated. She should deny any tests until I get there. I'm leaving now. I can get there faster without a car. Tell her I'll be there in two hours. Will you drive down and meet me there? I'll probably need a change of clothes, and bring my medical bag too." He doesn't waste time on pleasantries.
I hang up the dead phone with several concerned faces surrounding me. "Let's go." Alice hands me his medical bag and the clothes. I try to object as it goes from just me to a group, but they're ready to go in an instant.
"I'll drive, I'm faster than you." Jasper takes the keys with a quick flash of a smile. True to his word, we fly down the highway, with Alice riding beside him, advising him of which roads to take for less traffic and congestion. I sit in the back, squeezed between Yanna and Rosalie. I would have liked to have Colette with me, but she and Eleazar were meeting with a designer to make some changes to their house.
"I didn't think hybrids were supposed to get sick," Rosalie says, pulling me from my thoughts.
"It's unusual, but it does happen." Yanna leans forward to talk around me.
"Masen isn't a typical hybrid," I explain. "He's got shape-shifter genes as well as human and vampire." I chew on the inside of my cheek as I worry about the little boy who bears such a similarity to Edward and Jacob. Jacob must be going nuts.
"He's going to be fine." Rosalie puts her arm around me.
"Sure," Yanna adds, "babies are resilient."
"He's going to be fine." Alice chimes in from the front seat. She doesn't say how she knows, and I hope it's with her special talent, and she's not just feeding me platitudes. I'm afraid to ask.
Jasper drives like he could give race car drivers lessons. I would probably worry more if he wasn't using his own ability to make us all calm. We make the ferry and it's hard to relax enough to watch the water slip by so slowly. I want to be with my daughter and her children. I fight not to think about the chance that we could lose one of them.
Yanna stands at the rail beside me, with her arm around my shoulders. She gives me hope that even the most terrible things can be healed. She's walking without a walker now and she's regained the strength in her arm. Part of it is from the slow healing of her own body, and part of it is Colette doing what she could to restore her. Between her recovery, her place in the family, and her enjoyment of going to school, she's blossomed. She's beautiful, but more important, she's secure and happy. I know she spends a lot of time talking to Jasper about some of the things that happened to her. He calls her little sister, which makes her smile.
When we finally make it to the states, Jasper drives us straight to the hospital. I don't expect Alice to go in with us, but she doesn't slow down as we pass through the doors into Admitting. We're just about to ask about them, when I see Carlisle. I'm in his arms so fast I hope the attendant isn't watching. He holds me and soothes me a moment before he speaks.
"We've got Masen on an I.V. to replenish his fluids. Right now it just looks like a virus, but I'm going to run a few tests to rule out a few things." I pull away from him and meet his eyes. "We're taking good care of him." He caresses my face, as if he were wiping my tears. I feel such a sense of relief. I pull his face to mine and kiss him.
It's a tiny noise that makes me stop. A little grunt in my daughter's voice. She's watching us. I pull away, feeling more guilt than I should. She stands there, just staring, then rushes over and flings herself into my arms crying. I hold her doing my best to comfort her as all the stress of the day pours out of her. As soon as she's calm, Carlisle leads us to a waiting room.
He leaves to go take care of Masen after updating us on his progress. They haven't admitted him to the hospital, but he's in one of the emergency room units while he's on the I.V. He's sleeping, so Ness had come out to be with us when she heard we were here.
"Where's Jacob? I thought he'd be here with you?" I hold her hand as she wipes her eyes with a wad of tissues.
"He's away at a training event." She shrugs. "He's getting fed up with the hours he's getting at the garage, and he wants to become a forest ranger. I'm afraid to call him back for this, until we know more." She looks around at all of us. "Thanks for coming – all of you."
"Who's taking care of Sarah?" Alice asks.
"Leah Clearwarter has her for now." Her name brings up so many memories, and most of them are not pleasant. But she's a friend of Jacob's, and still the pack beta as far as I know.
"If you want, I can go to the res. and keep an eye on Sarah for you," Alice offers. I know how much she hates hospitals, and Jasper hovers close to keep her calm.
"Would you? That would be really great." Ness gives a slight smile. "Sarah loves Leah, but Leah gets a little antsy around kids after a while." Jasper offers to drive her, and come back as soon as possible.
Without Jasper's calming influence, Nessie's worry and nervousness spirals up, until I can hear her heart racing. "Why don't you go back and sit with him. I'll go get you something to eat – you haven't eaten have you?"
"I can't eat now, Mom." She sounds so much like a teenager. "I think I will go sit with him. I'll let you know if anything changes." I kiss her cheek and Rosalie hugs her before she leaves.
Carlisle comes out a little later and asks for his clothes. Unless you were close to him, you'd never notice his clothes have the scent and stiffness that comes from his swim across the sound.. He obviously ran so fast they dried on the way. Once he's changed, he lets us all know that Masen is doing better.
"As far as I can tell, it's just a virus. He's resilient, but his digestive system is still sensitive. I'm pretty sure he'll be fine in a day or two. Dehydration in a baby can be a very dangerous thing, but he's getting what he needs now."
"Is Ness okay? She's really taking it hard." I stand and put my arms around him. She's not the only one taking it hard.
"She's fine. Masen looks a lot better now, so she's starting to believe he's not going to die. Do you want to get her something to eat, and then we can all go back and see the baby? I think the cafeteria's still open."
With a styro-foam container from the cafeteria in my hands, I follow Carlisle through the doors to the triage waiting room where Ness and Masen have been for most of the day. Yanna looks around nervously as we crowd into the tiny space. Rosalie discreetly holds a handkerchief over her nose to dull the smells of injured humanity in the other nearby rooms.
Nessie sits beside an industrial looking crib, rubbing her child's back as he sleeps. The I.V. dripping into his little arm looks out of place. Of course she refuses the food we've brought, but when Carlisle tells her to eat, she takes it as a command. Rosalie takes her spot beside the baby, while Ness eats. In the tiny room, I don't even realize I've taken the place beside Carlisle, and my arm is around his waist.
"Seriously!" Ness throws the plastic fork into the tray. "How can you expect me to eat, when you two are making me sick!" .
"Nessie!" Rosalie stands, looking shocked and outraged. I hear Yanna's startled gasp. It's fortunate we've learned to modulate our voices not to carry, and even Masen doesn't seem disturbed at the drama unfolding. "Your mother is owed respect."
"If she wants respect, she can earn it! She can start by not fooling around with my grandfather! She can quit being selfish and defiling my father's memory, and she can stop rubbing my nose in this disgusting excuse for a relationship!"
She turns to make her dramatic exit, but before she can open the door, Rosalie has her. I'm frozen to the floor as perfectly manicured fingertips almost puncture the skin of Nessie's upper arm her grip is so tight. "Oh no you don't."
Rosalie's angry eyes meet Nessie's defiant green stare. "I've had enough of this, young lady!" Her lovely face softens for just a moment. "I love you as if you were my own daughter. But you're being an insensitive bitch, and I'm not going to stand by and watch you trash two people who love you too much to tell you what you need to hear!" Even with all her sharp edges, I've never heard Rosalie swear before.
"That woman gave you life."
"I know all that, you're not telling me anything new. Every mother gives their child life, it's in the contract." Her sarcasm hurts. She's belittling the very thing I hold dear.
"No one ever told you how much it cost her. Your father wanted to protect you from the reality, but you need to hear it. You killed your mother just being born; she traded her life for yours that day."
"I know!" Nessie's eyes flick to mine for a moment. "I've always known that; especially with all the new hybrids in the world."
"None of the other hybrids had mothers who were willing to make that sacrifice – you did. She didn't just make that choice the moment you were born. She made it from the moment she knew you existed. She fought for you again and again. She had to face the disapproval of everyone she knew and loved. In the month it took for you to grow, she made the choice every day that you should live, even if she died."
"This doesn't have anything to do with the here and now..."
"It has everything to do with it. You call your mother selfish, when you're the one being a brat. There were days when she could barely breathe because you were lying against her lungs. You sucked everything from her body better than a vampire could. She couldn't walk on her own. She had to drink blood just to feed you – she used to pass out at the smell of blood." Rosalie's lips twitch up in a wry grin.
"She didn't just sacrifice her health and her comfort for you. Every day she carried you she made the choice that you would live, even if she died. It didn't take the rest of us long to realize Bella wasn't going to live through it. You could break her ribs with a kick. If you stretched, she suffered internal bleeding. She was wasting away, even with the blood. I supported her decisions more than any of the others. I knew she was going to die, but I thought she should have that choice. I didn't love her then." She smiles at me, letting me know she does now.
"Nessie, Bella sacrificed her very life for you. She didn't know Edward would be able to change her after you were born. Ask Jacob, he'll tell you she really did die. She bled out, and without the venom injected into her heart, you wouldn't have a mother. You were not an accident, you were a choice. This woman you just called selfish chose to give her very life for you.
"You claim she's defiling your father's memory, but you're the one doing that. You are Edward's legacy. He loved Bella more than anything in this world – except maybe you. He would have given her anything to make her happy. He would have left her to Jacob if that's what she wanted." Ness looks shocked for a moment. "Yes – it could have happened."
Rosalie lets go of her arm and touches Nessie's wan face. "Your mother is in love with Carlisle. Don't you think she's given up enough for you already? Do you really want to see her alone for the rest of her life?"
"She could find someone else..."
"No she can't. Vampires bond for life, just like Jacob is bonded to you. Only death breaks that bond, and a new bond forming is as rare as death for us. If these two split up to suit your demands, you'll lose them both, I guarantee it."
"But why did it have to be my grandpa?" Her voice is so sad and plaintive, she sounds like she's only seven.
"He was never Edward's father. It was just part of the image we all presented to look human. They wanted you to have a real family experience, so we all played our parts: Aunt Rosie, Uncle Em, Grandma Esme, and Grandpa Carlisle. The only biological relatives you had were your mom and dad, and now it's just your mother." She exhales deeply.
"Ness, Carlisle is a wonderful man. He loves you very much, and I didn't even tell you how much he sacrificed to bring you into the world. You may lose him as a grandfather. But I promise you, if you take away that restriction, you'll gain even more. You'll have someone who will always be in your life, and always love you and do what's best for you.
"He dropped everything to rush to your side. He didn't get here by car, Sweetheart, he ran the distance, and swam the sound to reach you. He wouldn't do that for just anyone. Any other doctor could treat Masen's condition, but there's not one of them who loves you the way Carlisle does."
"Why can't they just keep it to themselves? That's not too much to ask, is it?"
Rosalie groans in frustration. I can tell she's about to launch into another tirade when Carlisle interrupts her.
"Love isn't just a feeling Renesmee, I love you more than you know. It's more than a grandfather for a granddaughter. I was there when you were born, and we were all overjoyed when you joined us. None of us believed that it could turn out as well as it did. I thought for sure we'd be saying goodbye to your mother. Worse, I suspected that you'd need to be destroyed. I was around when a lot of vampires tried to create immortal children – before the law forbade it. They were terrifying; nothing more than insatiable little killing machines."
I've never heard him talk about immortal children before. I never knew he expected to have to destroy mine and Edward's child. It stuns me almost as much as it does Nessie.
"I love you, and I'm not really your paternal grandfather – I never was. The man who could claim that title died in 1918." He sighs, and his face is so drawn. "You're too old to believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. And you're too old to keep thinking in such childish terms about our relationships. A lot has changed. We've tried to give you time to make the adjustment, but we're not going to keep hiding just for your sake."
He looks as if he wants to pace, but the room is too small. He runs his fingers through his hair. "Nessie, I'm in love with your mother. It's more than just a feeling. I need her in my life. I want her in every way a man could want a woman." Ness rolls her eyes in annoyance and Carlisle looks momentarily angry.
"Could you give up Jacob?" She looks surprised at the question. "Could you pretend you don't love him? Could you be in the same room with him and ignore his presence? Maybe you could do it for a day, or a week. Maybe you could for a little while, but could you do it indefinitely? Could you resist touching him, and holding his hand, and and comforting him when he needed you?" He gives a short laugh.
"I know the answer to that question. Before you married him, I know for a fact that every moment you spent apart tortured you. I tried to tell Edward not to keep trying to force you to date other boys, but he wanted to make sure you had every opportunity to see a life away from Jacob and the reservation. How did it make you feel when you were on a date with some other boy, knowing you really wanted to be with Jacob?"
"It felt awful, and I hated it! You can't tell me this is the same thing. You two..."
"We're in love Nessie – just like you and Jacob. How do you think we feel trading weekends with you and the children? How could you ask us to keep that up forever? I love you too much to let you keep pretending that everything is the same as it used to be. It's not. Some horrible things happened in the war and even afterward. But me falling in love with your mother was not one of them. This is a good thing, and I'm not going to deny it."
As much as I want to hold Carlisle and smother him in kisses for his bold declaration, I can't ignore the tears welling in my daughter's eyes. She looks heartbroken.
"I just..." She dashes the tears from her eyes and escapes out the door. I follow her, and catch up to her in the hallway outside the emergency area.
"Ness...?"
She turns and throws her arms around me, crying. "I'm sorry, Mom... I'm really trying...but I want my daddy back! I can't stand that he's gone, and I'm never going to see him again. I just... he should be here... he should get to hold Masen and he should be the one with you. It's not fair! I didn't even get to say goodbye, Mom. I miss him so much! I just keep thinking that somehow there was a mistake... and he's going to come back. And he's going to wonder why we all forgot him, and why you and Carlisle are together, and why I didn't stay loyal to him like a daughter should." Her shoulders shake as she cries, and I hold her through the flood.
It takes a long time for her to calm herself, and finally pull back to wipe her eyes. "Sweetheart, you know he's not coming back, right?" I keep my voice soft and non-confrontational.
Her eyes meet mine, and I can see Edward's tortured green gaze. It tears at my heart to see her so distraught. "I know... but I don't want it to be true. I keep thinking... if I believe hard enough... he'll have to come back. I want him to come back... somehow." I hold her tight as more tears leak onto my shirt.
Her voice is muffled against my shoulder, but I can still make out her words. "I'm sorry Mom. I'll try to accept you're with Gran – Carlisle... I really do want you to be happy. I didn't know you bond for life. I didn't know a lot of things it seems." I hold her tight and kiss her temple. "Am I really defiling Daddy's memory?"
"Of course not baby. It's understandable that you miss him. You've been under a lot of stress. No one expects you to be perfect all the time."
"I love you, Mom... I don't want to lose you too."
"That's not very likely, Sweetheart, you're kinda stuck with me." I have my arm around her when we go back to the tiny room. She peels away from me and hugs Carlisle.
"I love you, and I'm sorry. Thank you for coming and taking care of Masen." As if on cue, the baby wakes up and starts crying. Ness rushes over to him and picks him up to comfort him.
"Now that's a good sign." Carlisle observes with a smile. "He's crying real tears." He begins to examine the baby, and Rosalie, Yanna, and I leave the room. We make it back to the waiting room just in time to see Jasper come back.
At first I don't recognize the woman with him, but then I realize it's Leah Clearwater. Jasper introduces Leah to Yanna, and the two girls shake hands.
"Leah wanted to get an accurate update on the condition of the baby, so she followed me here. I guess she still doesn't trust us 'leeches.' Jasper smiles as he says it.
I wait for Leah's typical rude response, but she's quiet. She hasn't let go of Yanna's hand, and I can hear her shallow breathing and her heart racing. I begin to wonder if she's having a heart attack like her father, and then I worry more as Yanna struggles to pull her hand back.
"Let me go!" Yanna stares intently, and Leah lets go of her hand as if recoiling from touching something hot. "Back off!" I gasp as Leah takes several awkward steps backward and stands staring at Yanna.
My girl looks at me, with realization suddenly dawning. Her power is back. I'm not sure whether to be happy or worried for her. Leah reaches a hand out toward us, looking at Yanna with both confusion and longing.
"Can I come closer – please?" Yanna nods, and Leah comes back to stand with us. I can still hear her heart pounding in her chest. She stares at Yanna, and at first I'm afraid she's going to have some negative reaction to Yanna's frightening power. Then I see a smile spread on her face. It's so unusual, I can't connect it to any memory. Leah sneers. Leah mocks. Leah goads and teases, but Leah does not smile. But she's smiling now, and her eyes haven't left Yanna even once. Oh my god!
A/N: I know I promised an ending, but as I'm writing the epilogue, I realize there's still a part of story to tell. Can you hang in for a 38? Blame Yanna.