Coming Clean

"Rose, I'm really sorry. It's not that I'm keeping it a secret really. I just didn't know how to bring it up. I mean, is it not bad enough that I'm a 29 year old widow with a not quite two year-old daughter? How am I supposed to tell my brand new friends that I'm also pregnant with my dead husband's baby?" I'm on the verge of tears and just praying that I can somehow suck the extra moisture back into my eyeballs before the men get back from the bar.

"Bella, I'm not mad at you. I am confused though. I thought you were unhappy with James, so unless this pregnancy is the result of an immaculate conception you're going to have to explain why you were having sex with the man that you allegedly wanted to divorce." She ends her rant with a pointed glare.

"I didn't allegedly want a divorce Rose!" I hiss. "I was unhappy and very lonely. It was a moment of weakness. We hadn't been intimate in months. I just needed someone and the only person around was James and we ended up having sex. I'm not sorry that I'm pregnant, but I know that giving into temptation wasn't a good idea. It's not like I can undo this!" It feels good to finally get all of this out, but even though it's a relief to talk to a woman I sort of wish I was unburdening myself to Edward.

"Jesus, how far along are you?"

"Eleven weeks." I can't even meet her eyes anymore. This isn't how I imagined coming clean would go.

"You're almost out of your first trimester. I'm a little peeved that you didn't tell any of us sooner, but it's pretty common to wait to tell people until you're into the 2nd trimester so when you tell everyone else you should stick with that story. OK? Do you have a doctor yet?" I shake my head no.

"If you're ok with seeing a Midwife instead of an OB I'll give you my Midwife's info" she says softly. I nod and say thanks quietly just as Edward and Emmett get back from the bar.

Rose is able to distract Em and Edward from the awkwardness that I'm exuding. Thankfully the rest of our night out is uneventful.

A week passes by without much interaction with Edward. I'm not sure if I'm being weird or if he's being weird, but our friendship is definitely in a tailspin. It's Friday night and we haven't had dinner together since last Wednesday. My moods are kind of all over the place anyway, but feeling like I've lost my friend is making me really blue. I've just slipped my nightgown over my head when there's a quiet knock on my front door. Edward.

Even though my nightgown is modest, I grab a cardigan before I answer the door. He looks angry and I'm immediately frightened.

"Can I come in?" I haven't heard that tone of voice from him since he walked off after apologizing for being my neighbor a month ago when we first met at five in the morning.

Once we're sitting on my couch, he turns to face me. "You need to tell me what's going on. Something's off with us and I need to know what I've done. " He pauses and I'm about to reply with, well I'm not entirely sure what I'll say but I'll just wing it and hope for the best, but the pause was just for air apparently because he's talking again.

"Bella, I've tried to be a good friend but I'm not succeeding. I think it's obvious what my intentions are at this point." Oh God. There's no warning, no slow build up, just immediate tears streaming down my face. He doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I'm hiccupping and blubbering about giving me another chance. I can be a great friend. Let me make re-heat dinner. Anything I can think of to try to gain his favor.

"What the hell are you talking about Bella? I'm to tell you that I want to pursue a romantic relationship with you. I thought I'd been clear from the start while still being respectful of your situation and allowing you to grieve the loss of your husband and marriage." He's wiping my eyes and my nose and upper lip. I'm so flabbergasted by his admission that it almost doesn't register that he just wiped my snot.

"You like me?"

"After all of that I thought you would figure that I more than like you. You and Alice are very special to me and I want to be a part of your lives; a part that's more than a friendship. That's not to say that our friendship isn't wonderful. If you don't feel the same, I hope you'll allow me to remain your friend." His voice is getting softer and softer. By the end, he's barely audible.

Allow him to remain my friend. Allow him. Oh, for Pete's Business I thought I had already lost his friendship. Relief washes over me right before dread settles in my stomach.

"I'm pregnant!" My voice sounds ridiculously loud inside my head, but he didn't cringe with I said it so maybe it wasn't that loud.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I'm twelve weeks. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. I'm sorry Edward. I wish, I wish…well I don't know. I guess I wish things were simpler but I don't wish I wasn't pregnant. I know this changes things. I've been acting weird because Rose sort of guessed and kind of fussed at me over keeping it to myself. My intention was to tell everyone after my appointment. Rose thought it would be best to just make the announcement after I was past the first trimester since that's a pretty common time to tell people. And I agreed. I feel like a coward for not telling you sooner. I wanted to talk to you. I was so sad when I realized that Rose was the first to know, but honest to God Edward she guessed."

"You're having a baby? His baby?" The hurt in his eyes is too much. I feel so guilty.

There's no reason for me to feel guilty. I'm pregnant. I was married when I conceived and this baby is loved and will be treasured. There's no shame in this situation, but for some reason I can't shake this overwhelming guilt.

"I've never lied to you Edward. I hadn't been with him for nearly five months, but I was just so lonely and he was always pushing me for sex. I don't know why I gave in, but I did. I really was going to ask James for a divorce. I was 6 weeks pregnant when he died. He didn't know. No one in Jacksonville knows." Spilling my guts to Edward is easy, as easy as breathing. I should have done this sooner. I finish with a weak "sorry" and wait for a reaction.

"What time is your appointment?" That's not at all what I was expecting but I guess I'm not surprised. Edward is always concerned and thoughtful.

"It's at 11 am, I scheduled it during Alice's nap. Rose said I could drop her off at their house on my way to the doctor's and just put her with Jasper for them to snuggle nap." Finally he's starting to relax. He looks like my sweet Edward again. Not angry or hurt. Maybe this can be salvaged. The longer I wait for him to speak the more I realize that I do want what he wants. I want him to be mine. I want Alice to count on him to be there.

"You were going to go by yourself?" Edward sounds like he's in disbelief. I don't think I've ever heard a scoff until this very moment

"Well, I took Alice with me once to a Gynecologist appointment, but she just cried the whole time since she had to stay in her stroller. I didn't want to have this appointment be full of unhappy tears." I give him a watery smile.

"I'm going with you." That's it. There's no discussion. Just I'm going with you. Like it's crazy that I would even consider going without him.

I want to kiss him so badly, but as that thought flits through my mind I realize I've never even hugged Edward.

"Hold me." No pretenses, just an honest demand. And he listens. I'm cradled and scooped against his chest. Sitting half in his lap on the couch I've never felt more cherished.

"Please want what I want." His voice is timid, but hints at his confidence.

Nothing is better than the way his eyes dance when I look up at him and whisper, "I do."