James' POV
That asshole! Kendall Knight is the biggest jerk in the entire world! I can think of nothing but his last words to me. They play in my mind, on repeat, louder and louder each time. As I stand alone, naked, and cold, in the bathroom I wonder if he is right. Am I just a pretty face? It is hard to tell right now, my eyes are red and swollen and my face is covered in tears and snot. Actually, I look pretty gross.
I wiped off my face, and composed myself. My mother, ever the Queen of appearances, taught me to never let anyone see me as less than perfect, even if I want to crawl in a hole and die. When I left the bathroom, Kendall was gone. Where he went is of little to no concern to me. Okay, that's a lie. I couldn't hate him, not when I was in debt to him forever. Every cent I made, every little bit of fame and adoration was owed to him. Listen to me, even after he told he of his hatred, I am still singing his praises. I guess Kendall has always been my addiction, and my weakness. His temper endeared him to me, I used to feel like I understood it. God, even though he just completely broke me, I still sing his praises loudly. What is the matter with me? Why am I defending him? Why do I always defend him...
For years, my father and I did not get along. I didn't have any siblings, so when I met Kendall it was like having a big brother. Sure, he was grumpy and kind of mean, but somehow I still knew I could always depend on him. Even when we played hockey, and he was so much better than me, I still felt safe with him on the ice. He was my protector, my angel. Never in a million years would I have suspected it was just pity. I honestly thought he loved me. I guess I was wrong.
I know I said Kendall was like a big brother, but he was more than that. Kendall was a God. His confidence was my shield. His big green eyes were my reassurance, and his strength was my own. I leaned on him for everything. Whenever I felt weak, I went to Kendall and he lifted me higher than I had ever been. He gave me dignity and self worth that I have never felt before. I guess it's because of that that he was able to take it all from me. My dignity was his own. Now, I am left with nothing but love. Love for someone who would prefer I not be alive anymore. Perhaps I should give him what he wants.
I rose from the bed and walked towards the door. A numb neutrality washed over me as I opened it and stepped out. I saw my old friends watching television quietly. I saw my mother figure reading, and her daughter obsessing over her stock portfolio. They said nothing as I walked towards the exit of the apartment. There is an odd sense of calm in knowing your life is over.
As I walked I noticed my reflection in the mirrors of the hallway. Gone was any trace of happiness, or life. My eyes held no sparkle. I tried one last time to feel something other than pain, but I couldn't. I walked down the stairs, where nobody would see me. I walked into the lobby, where I was ignored. I walked out the front doors, and down the sidewalk towards the road. At the end of the Palmwoods property was a bench. I sat down so I could decide how I was going to end my life, but another thought took over. Why was I doing this over Kendall? Why was he, after all the horrible things people said about me, the one to break me? Maybe he saw something that I didn't. It was that moment I realized that Kendall hated me because he could tell I was in love with him. He must have known before I did, and that's why he grew to hate me. I honestly thought I was straight. I had had sex with over 30 girls and never did I have a single thought about any guy, even Kendall. Maybe it was all just me, not being able to accept the truth about myself. After all these years, I finally realized that all my affection, weakness, and addiction to Kendall Knight was actually love. Actually saying it to myself made it even worse. I rose from the bench, more determined to end my life then ever. I walked back into the Palmwoods and back to 2J. Carlos stood up when I walked in, but I ignored his obvious attempts to talk to me. I walked into my room, and shut the door. In the bathroom, I knew there would be razors, but before I had something else to take care of. I sat on my bed and pulled out paper and a pen and began writing.
My dearest Kendall,
Nothing, for me, has been more devastating than hearing the words that came out of your mouth. Words, so horrible, I can't even repeat them now despite the fact that I can think of nothing but them. I was angry at you before, but now I understand and agree with everything. I am nothing but weak, and in your way. For that, I apologize. Now, I will admit what I suspect you've known for some time. I love you Kendall Knight. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything, and if I thought there was any chance of you returning that love, it would undo any pain I have ever felt. I guess it doesn't matter know. I hope you are happy, and that you have everything you have ever wanted. Wherever I end up, I will be thinking of you and praying for your happiness.
With all the love I am capable of,
James
I folded the paper and left it on his pillow. I bent down and sniffed his sheets. I know it's creepy but I was about to die, and his scent was unique! I wonder what it is? It smells like man sweat, pine, and something else. I'm not sure. I walked into the bathroom, and sure enough there was a razor. I grabbed it and dragged down my tanned arm. First one and then the other. It stung, but it was a good sting. As my own blood poured from my arms and soaked my shirt, pants, and the floor, I began to sing
"We're halfway there, looking good now. Nothing-"
White spots appeared before me and I sank to the floor with a hard thump. Unconscious.