Title: Dog Park
Fandom: One Piece
Characters: Mostly Sanji, but Zoro and Nami also, and Conis and Su make a very brief appearance.
Words: 2,033
Prompt: Sanji obtains a dog and attempts to use it to pick up women to no avail.
Rating: PG?
Warnings: AU, though I've tried to keep the characters' personalities more or less intact, Sanji abuse, and consumption of alcohol.
A/N: The end makes it seem like there ought to be more, but I can't make myself write it at the moment. Feel free to imagine further Sanji + dog fail.

Sanji paused in front of the mirror on the wall by the front door to his apartment to fix his hair and adjust his attire. Sure, he was just walking down to check the mail, but there was no excuse to look sloppy. Seeing as it was Saturday and he actually had the day off work, he wasn't in a full suit, but he was wearing a pair of nice slacks and a dress shirt. He took a moment to consider himself.

He was an attractive guy, right? He was polite-to ladies anyway-and had relatively few bad habits when compared to other guys he knew around his own age. He had a reasonably well-paying job at a respectable restaurant and was perfectly willing to spend his disposable income on whatever a woman might want.

"How am I still single?" he asked his reflection.

It had been suggested, tactfully by female friends and bluntly by male ones, that he had a tendency to come on a little strong with the compliments, but that wasn't really so terrible, was it? Who didn't like to be flattered?

He did have to concede that he didn't often have much to work with, conversation wise, past that. Work kept him a little too busy to keep up with very much pop culture, so he couldn't really talk about television or music. He could talk up a storm about food, but that apparently wasn't a huge topic of interest to most. He really needed some kind of ice-breaker or something to foster interest. He'd think about it more later.

He locked his door behind him and noticed that his next-door neighbor had left his ajar. The guy didn't really have much of anything worth taking, but Sanji himself wasn't willing to create an inviting target for burglary. Zoro was probably just checking the mail himself and would be back momentarily anyhow. As Sanji was walking past the door, a dark shape wove between his legs, almost tripping him, and darted in the open door. Darn cat was a menace!

Sure enough, when he reached the mailboxes, Zoro was there, but he wasn't alone. Sanji couldn't help the rather goofy grin that spread across his face when he recognized Nami, who lived one floor above him with an equally lovely roommate named Robin. She was in the middle of some kind of discussion with Zoro, so he politely waited to greet her until they were finished.

"Come on, please?" she begged with a positively adorable pout. "You do owe me!"

"No!" How dare he so rudely refuse what Sanji was certain must be a perfectly reasonable request? "Even if I could get the management to bend the one animal rule, Demon might eat it. Can't say as I'd blame him either, since as far as I'm concerned, that thing isn't a dog-it's a rat."

"We can't keep him in our apartment, though!" Nami insisted in a melodious tone that was in no way whiny. "It turns out Robin is allergic, and I promised my boss I'd watch Puddles while she's on vacation!"

"That's your problem," Zoro snapped.

Sanji leapt at the opportunity to swoop in and aid the damsel in distress. "Is there any way that I could be of assistance, Nami?"

"Well... Would you be willing to take care of a small dog for the rest of the weekend?" The question was asked hesitantly; Sanji had made no secret of the fact that he wasn't a big fan of animals in general. He liked to keep things neat and sanitary as a cook, and animals tended to work against that.

Under normal circumstances, he probably would have politely declined or offered to help find someone else for the job, but he found himself considering it. Women liked small animals, right? There was a dog park only a few blocks away...

"People meet all the time at the dog park, right?" he mused aloud.

"Maybe in sappy chick flicks," Zoro scoffed, "but in reality-"

"Yes!" Nami cut him off. "All the time! So, you'll take him?" How could he possibly refuse that sweetly pleading expression? Besides, he was about to obtain an almost guaranteed ice-breaker that he wouldn't even have to keep if it didn't work out like he hoped!

"Sure."

"What did I let myself agree to?"

Sanji stared down at the quivering, bug-eyed teacup Chihuahua and sighed. Maybe it wasn't a total loss. Obviously the dog's owner thought he was cute, and surely there had to be a few other women that felt the same!

"Ready for a walk, Puddles?" The dog cocked his head to the side and replied with a noise somewhere between a whine and a growl. "I'm just going to assume that means yes."

He wrestled the tiny animal into his horrendous and totally emasculating pink harness leash with rhinestones. As if the poor little guy wasn't pitiful enough!

They made it about halfway to the park before Sanji got fed up with the slow pace of Puddles' tiny legs and easily distracted nature. He carried the dog the rest of the way.

The dog park was enclosed by a fence, and people were allowed to let their animals run around off of their leashes if they chose. The weather was beautiful today, and dogs of every shape and size could be seen, chasing balls or frisbees, sniffing other animals, and rolling around in who knew what in the grass. He tried unclipping the leash from Puddles' harness, but the tiny canine remained huddled next to Sanji's leg, shaking even more than he had been at the apartment.

"Not a very outgoing little bugger are you?" Sanji grumbled. He reattached the leash, picked up the dog, and carried him over to a bench underneath a tree. He'd just look ridiculous if he dragged the unhappy Chihuahua around behind him. A trail passed right in front of the bench, so a few ladies were bound to pass by them.

"Aww!" There was one now! "She's adorable!" Sanji didn't bother to correct the misconception. "How old is this little sweetie?"

Sanji never got a chance to respond. The woman had a small black poodle with her that began barking and snapping at Puddles. The woman apologetically hauled her surprisingly vicious pet further down the path, and Sanji was treated to a firsthand demonstration of how Puddles earned his name. Fortunately, the dog missed his shoes.

The next woman to come along was old enough to be Sanji's grandmother, and she was accompanied by a terrier that was equivalently elderly. She sat next to Sanji on the bench for a rest from walking and chatted about nothing in particular for a good twenty minutes. When she finally left, she knew which local market had the best fresh produce, and he knew a new trick for extra flaky pie crust. At least it wasn't a total waste of time.

Two very attractive ladies jogged past with their dogs, some kind of retriever and a collie, but they scarcely had enough time to smile and wave before they were gone again.

He was about to call it a day when a cheerful blonde following after something that looked a good deal more like a fox than a dog walked over and took a seat next to him.

"What's your little guy's name?" she asked in a soft, bashful tone.

"His name is Puddles," Sanji informed her with his best charming smile, "and mine is Sanji."

"I'm Conis, and this is Su." She gestured to the silvery colored animal. "It's nice to meet you." She held out a dainty hand.

"The pleasure is mine, I assure you." He swept up the offered appendage and placed a kiss on the back. Conis blushed endearingly.

"I don't think I've seen you here before," Conis remarked. "Have you just moved here?"

"No, I've lived here for some time. I'm actually petsitting Puddles for a friend."

"That's so nice of you!" Conis smiled and Sanji began to feel that things were finally turning around for him. "You and your friend must be very close."

Could she be fishing to see if he was single? He certainly hoped so! "She needed someone to help watch Puddles at the last minute, and I always try to help out a friend in need if I can." He put subtle emphasis on the word "friend."

"I have a friend like you, always looking out for others. I bet the two of you would get along very well." Sanji felt a slight pang of regret that the lovely Conis was more interested in setting him up with a friend than giving him a shot herself. Oh well, maybe the friend was equally cute?

"You think so?"

"Oh sure!" She giggled. "He loves animals, too!"

Wait, "he?"

"It was wonderful meeting you, but I think Puddles has had enough excitement for one day." Sanji excused himself, forcing a grin onto his face to cover his disappointment until he was out of the park.

"I blame you," he told the dog, who only blinked up at him, expression blank.

As they headed down the last stretch toward the door of his apartment, Sanji tried to imagine anything that could make the day worse. A familiar dark shape darted from the shadows and lunged at Puddles, who only stood there, shaking and whimpering.

"I don't think so!" Sanji blocked the attack with his leg and glared down at the black cat currently draped over his foot.

He knocked on Zoro's door with his shoe, since he had a nervous Chihuahua under one arm and Zoro's disgruntled cat, Demon, under the other. Zoro opened the door and quirked one eyebrow but said nothing.

"Take. Your. Cat." Zoro obligingly reached out and retrieved the pesky feline. Sanji and his neighbor weren't exactly the best of best friends, but they didn't hate each other like they tended to let on in public.

He must have really looked like a wreck because Zoro said, "You look like you could use a drink."

Sanji sat on Zoro's couch and watched Puddles and Demon stare each other down. He hoped Puddles wouldn't pee on the carpet.

Zoro entered the living room from the kitchenette, two bottles of beer held by their necks in one hand and two saucers in the other. He handed Sanji his drink, then set one saucer in front of Puddles and the other across the room in front of the cat. He poured a splash of beer on each.

"You're giving the animals beer?"

"It's not going to kill them." Zoro shrugged. "Besides, the rat-dog looks like he could use a drink just as much as you." Puddles looked up from lapping up his beer long enough to growl. Zoro chuckled. "Looks like somebody's a mean drunk." After finishing, Puddles curled up and went to sleep.

"He's a lightweight, too." Sanji shook his head and took a swig of his own drink.

"Petsitting not going like you hoped?" The question was far less sarcastic than Sanji expected.

"Not even remotely," Sanji confirmed. The room lapsed into a relatively comfortable silence.

"Regretting your offer to help Nami?" Zoro asked with a smirk.

"No," Sanji reflexively retorted. Heaven forbid he should make Nami feel even slightly guilty for his bad dog park experience! Besides, in a way it had worked. Women did talk to him, even if he didn't meet any relationship prospects. "Perhaps I just need a manlier dog..." he mused.

"You're hopeless," Zoro muttered with a roll of his eyes. Sanji was too caught up in his internal plotting to notice.