The Conclusion of Big Time Kames Angst
James POV -journal-
It was almost one week since I tried to commit suicide, and now I was back at the Palmwoods. My time at the hospital was really a blur, I was unconscious for most of it. As I exited the limousine, my mother held me tightly, as though the slightest thing would break me. I guess she felt bad for wanting to stay in Minnesota while I was in Los Angeles, and maybe her absence is caused my suicide attempt.
Thankfully, nobody stared at me while I walked through the lobby. If anyone did look my way, I smiled and nodded politely, but I really had no interaction with my fellow hotel guests. My mother held my hand the entire elevator ride, and from the hallway to the Palmwoods. I reached out for the door handle but she grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the door.
"I want to talk to you first," she explained, "I know you're going through a rough time, but you must remember the manners that I taught you. Maintain your dignity, James. Second, whatever is bothering you, we will get to the bottom of it. Last, I know you boys have all been wondering where Kendall is."
"What," I winced when I heard his name, "What do you mean? I just figured he didn't care to see me."
"He went once," my mother revealed, "But since then, nobody has seen him. Jen told me that she got a call from him this morning, and he is back in Minnesota. He quit BTR."
"Of course," I smirked. I was done with this conversation, and I walked quickly into the apartment before my mother could stop me. Mrs. Knight was nowhere to be seen, and Carlos and Logan were huddled together on the couch. I walked quietly by them, because I really didn't feel like talking to them. One safely inside my room, I began to cry really hard. How could Kendall just leave like that? I know he hated me, but it still really hurt. I laid on his bed, and inhaled his scent. It was so masculine, and perfect. I'm not sure how long I laid there, but when I rose his sheets were soaked from my tears. I went into the bathroom, and removed my clothes. After a week, my spray tan had faded, and I was badly in need of a shave. I turned on the water, and stepped into the shower. I scrubbed and scrubbed until my skin was totally exfoliated. I used all Kendalls shampoos, shower gel, and everything he used. I turned off the water and stepped out. I sprayed myself in Kendalls cologne. I smelled almost as intoxicating and amazing as he did, but not quite. I wiped the fog from the mirror, and saw my reflection. I jumped as I saw my face begin to melt away and reveal the reflection of Kendall.
"Hello," mirror Kendall spoke to me, "Remember me?"
"What the fuck," I screamed, "What's happening to me? I'm James, so why do I look like you?"
"Because I killed you," Kendall told me, "And I became you."
"I survived," I pleaded, "You're the one who left. Not me."
"Oh James," I heard Kendall's voice behind me. I turned and there he was. I jumped again. What the hell was going on?
Logan POV
James' return from the hospital was supposed to be a happy occasion, but I couldn't help but feel like things were going to get a lot worse before they got better. Kendall was gone, and Carlos was acting strangely. I think he was shook up because he thought, as I did, that things were finally going to be happy.
"What the fuck," I heard James yell from his room. I scrambled to get off the couch and ran up the stairs to his room, but I'm not entirely sure I was prepared for what I saw. James was dressed like Kendall, including the haircut and cologne, talking to thin air. I tried to remain as quiet as I could, so as to not disturb James. He continued arguing with nobody for a good half hour before he noticed me. Seeing him, head on, for the first time made me jump a little.
"Logan," James stammered, "How long have you been standing there?"
"I've been here long enough," I replied, "Am I talking to James or to Kendall? James, you know he isn't really there, don't you?"
"I don't know," James whimpered, "I feel like I do, but he seemed so real. In my mind, I know he is in Minnesota, but I saw him standing there. Logan, what's happening to me?"
"James," I began, "Was this your first suicide attempt?"
"Yes," James answered honestly, "But not the first time I've wanted to. Logan, for a long time I haven't felt like myself. Sometimes, I'm really happy but then other times, I just want to die."
"I think that you came home to soon," I told him, "And I think we've seen only the beginning of your problems. James, did you ever think that you might be bipolar?"
"What," James exploded, "There is no way that I'm bipolar!"
"You told me that your dad wasn't nice to you," I reasoned, "Is there any chance at all that you inherited it from him?
"Don't you ever compare me to him," James growled in a voice I had never heard before, "I am nothing like that cold son of a bitch. I'm good, I'm nice, and I..."
James sank to the floor, and didn't move. I laid beside him and wrapped my arms around him. I think he finally realized there could be some truth to what I was saying. Under me, he was like a stone. I lifted him, and helped him as we walked downstairs. We sure had a lot to talk to Mrs. Diamond about, but first I had a call to make. I sat James on the couch, and ran off to use the apartment phone.
"Can I please be put through to Dr. Stavros," I told the hospital, "Tell him it's Logan Mitchell." The operator ran off to get him, and he answered relatively quickly, "Dr. Mitchell, my name is Logan Mitchell. I saw your book in a book store, and I think you can help. Is there anyway you can come to the Palmwoods as soon as possible?"
Carlos POV
I didn't believe in anything anymore. I laid on my double bed and stared at the ceiling. I stored every hope I had in believing that things were going to be good again, and then suddenly Kendall was gone. I thought when James came home, things might be normal, but he was hiding away and only let Logan in. If everything could fail, then why should I have faith in me and Logan?
"What the fuck," I heard James scream, and then I heard movement. I opened the bedroom door and saw Logan run into James room. I saw him watch from the doorway, and I stayed silently behind him. James was a terrifying sight, it was almost as though he thought he was Kendall and then I realized that he thought he was talking to Kendall.
"Kendall," James pleaded, "Please don't be like this, I love you. Maybe you don't feel the same way but we are at least friends. Aren't we?"
"I'm fine," he screamed, "You didn't kill me. I'm standing right here."
"I'm begging you," he whined, "Please just shut up! Leave me alone! Why are you here?"
Eventually Logan confronted him. Maybe this was the wrong time to be selfish, but as I watched my boyfriend help James I couldn't help but feel jealous. I know Logan is a good guy, but never had he displayed such compassion before. At least not to me, or Kendall. He held him so sweetly, and stroked his back. The triumphant look in his eye, like he had won, made me feel like I was going to puke all over everything. I narrowed my eyes in the worst glare I could and it the rage felt amazing. This whole time, he had been with me because James was unavailable. I ran down the stairs, and into the living room where the mini-bar was. It was locked, so I kicked the handle until it came open. As pissed as I was, it didn't take long. I grabbed the biggest bottle I could find, and chugged it, then I repeated the process several times over until the whole damn thing was empty. Eventually, I was somehow on the balcony.
"Fuck all of you," I screamed to the sky, "Fuck you Kendall, your lack of balls caused all of this! Fuck you for leaving, and fuck you for being a total asshole! Fuck you Logan, I actually thought you loved me! Talk about being a total asshole! And most of all, fuck you James. You whiney little prick! If you just told Kendall the truth, you'd never wanted to kill yourself in the beginning. Fuck all of you!"
I was finally finished making a complete ass of myself and I was getting cold so I stumbled back into the apartment, and across the living room. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going but when I got to the front door, it seemed like a good idea to open it. I tried hard to stay standing as I walked, but it was not an easy task. I made it to the elevator, and into the lobby. I could hear Bitters yelling at me as I passed through the front hall and out the doors. By the time I was able to make it to the road, my ability to walk increased. The night air felt so freeing, and I could feel myself getting a strength I didn't know before. I'm not sure if this courage was from the alcohol or because I had finally made a decision for myself, but I was enjoying it. On a main road, a car stopped and pulled over.
"Need a ride," some stoner guy asked, "I can take you wherever you want to go."
"Why the fuck not," I laughed as I got into the car. If Kendall could leave, so could I. Now Logan finally had James, what the hell did he need me for? And just like that, I was gone.
Brooke Diamond POV
I don't give a damn what anyone says about me, but I will protect my son at any cost. When I was young, it all seemed so simple. Get a job, get married, have kids. I did it too. I started the largest cosmetics company in the Midwest, I got married, and I had a darling little boy for a somewhere along the line, things got a little messy. How was I supposed to know that my husband was emotionally unstable and felt unfulfilled with his life. How was I supposed to know that he resented me, and therefore resented James. Peter(my ex-husband) was so vibrant, and interesting, when I met him and after we married he sort of seemed to lose his sparkle. He became lackluster and complacent. Finally, I gave up and started spending long hours at the office. I would come home and find James laying on the floor like he was catatonic, and Peter huddled in the corner, crying. Then one day I came home and Peter was standing in the front hallway, bags packed, and divorce papers in hand.
"I'm a horrible father," he stated sadly, "I treat James like shit and I don't make you happy. For that I will always be sorry. It's time I admit my shortcomings and leave before James is eternally screwed up. Brooke, I love you, but the truth is that I am really not well. I am going to get help, after I leave, and then who knows."
I signed the papers and never saw him again. Now, I could see my son having the same problems and I was determined to stop him from going down the same path as his father. I entered the apartment to find it ransacked, and the mini-bar empty. I prayed to God that James had nothing to do with it. On top of everything, we didn't need my son getting drunk. Logan appeared at the top of the stairs, holding James, and looked shocked at the mess.
"What happened," he asked.
"You mean it wasn't James," I replied, "Then I don't know. What's going on?"
"I have a doctor coming over to talk to James," Logan told me and I tensed up.
"You mean to tell me that you are presuming to tell me how to parent my son," I sneered.
"Damn it," Logan yelled as he sat James on the couch, "This isn't about your pride, it's about James. Just please, for the love of God, let this Doctor help him!"
"Okay," I sighed, "You have my consent but if anything happens to my baby, I will hurt you!" I had to be tough, James was my baby. Internally, I knew this was what was best for James, but it was still a bitter pill to swallow. I looked into my sons beautiful brown eyes and finally felt a glimmer of hope that the road to recovery was finally in sight.
The End