Chapter 19

"Meredith, you look so much better!" Derek heard his mother from the hall.

"Thank you, I'm feeling a lot better," Meredith responded, and Derek rolled his eyes. Meredith had been released from the hospital a little over two weeks ago, but there was no way she was better. Steve had been arrested for assault and attempted rape, and had been expelled from Columbia, so Meredith kept saying she was fine. She had changed her lab time just to make herself feel better, and her professors had been very understanding of her circumstances and had given her what she felt were an unnecessary extensions on classwork. On the surface, she seemed to be doing wonderfully.

But Derek knew her too well.

She had flat out refused to see a therapist, saying that psych was crap. And, had Meredith been behaving like her old self, Derek would have agreed with her. But she was different; not in big ways that anyone else would notice, but in a way that someone who spent all their time with her, like Derek or even Cristina had she been here, would have picked up on.

She wouldn't talk about what happened. Whenever Derek tried to bring the assault up, Meredith either told him to stop talking and drop it or pretends she didn't hear him. She knocked the wind out of him last week when he wrapped his arms around her waist. She hadn't seen or heard him, and tensed up before elbowing him in the stomach trying to escape. She had profusely apologized, saying she didn't know what happened, but when Derek had tried to press it, she shut down. She had nightmares every night, but the next day would pretend that nothing happened.

Derek sighed as he made his way from their bedroom to the kitchen where he could hear Meredith talking to his mom. He didn't expect Meredith to just get over something like that, but he wanted to help her. He wanted to talk with her about it, and if she wasn't willing to talk to him, to go see a therapist or something. He wished that he could stop Meredith from shutting down every time something bad happened, but he wasn't sure how. He didn't care that they hadn't had sex since before she was attacked; he knew that it would take a while before she began feeling comfortable enough to do it again. But, if she continued to shut down rather than talk about her problems, Derek wasn't sure how much of herself she would lose along the way, and for how long.

"Hey Mom," he said as he entered the room. Meredith's back was towards him, so he shuffled loudly to wordlessly let her know he was coming towards her before he placed a kiss on the top of her head. He felt her tense underneath him, but that was it, and she relaxed in a second. It was too quick or subtle for Carolyn to notice, but was significant enough for Derek to feel.

"Hello Derek," Carolyn responded. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing pretty good," Derek answered, dropping into a chair next to Meredith and wrapping his arm around her shoulders. She glanced at him, smiling quickly before turning her attention back to his mother.

"That's good to hear," Carolyn nodded. "I was just telling Meredith how good she looked and how well she has been handling everything."

"Mhmm," Derek cleared his throat. Once again, he felt Meredith tense beside him, and she turned to look at him. She shot him a look, half pleading and half threatening, making it clear that she did not want him to contradict his mother.

He forced a smile on his face, but gave Meredith a knowing look. Turning away from his fiancée, he looked at his mother. "Yeah," he said, beginning the lie he had told all of his sisters, as well as Mark and Addison. "She's doing great."

XXXXXX

Derek felt himself drifting into consciousness, wondering why he was awake. He rolled over to check the time, muttering a curse under his breath when he realized that it was only one thirty in the morning. He had come home from work five hours beforehand and immediately fell into bed, exhausted after an eight hour surgery. And then it hit him; it was quiet. Derek became hopeful that everything was starting to get better, and everything would be okay. He turned over again, placing his arm lightly around Meredith's waist so as not to disturb her.

Just as he was once again drifting off to sleep, it began to happen. He felt it coming before it began; he could feel Meredith tense up beside him. Then she began shifting around the bed, a signal that she was having a nightmare. Meredith didn't thrash around like the actors did in movies; she just continually moved, as if she was trying to settle herself but could not.

"Mmmm," Meredith began to moan, and Derek knew it wouldn't be long before she really got into the thick of her dream. He pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms protectively around her, as if hoping it was enough to fend off the nightmares that had been plaguing her for the past two weeks.

After moaning for a minute or two, the screaming began. "Mmmm, no," Meredith said, her voice rising as she moved a little more forcefully. "No, no, NO!" by the last no she was shouting, and Derek began trying to wake her up.

"Mer, Meredith!" he hovered over her, trying to speak louder than her screams. He had quickly learned what to do to calm her down and wake her up. He stroked her hair lightly, leaning down so his mouth was close to her ear.

"Mer," he began, trying to soothe her. "Mer, please calm down. Everything's fine, I'm here, and you're safe. I'm right here Meredith, and you're okay. It's just a bad dream."

Meredith jolted awake, a sob escaping her lips as she did so. Derek hated when she woke up almost as much as he hated her nightmares. Her eyes flew open, and she frantically searched the room as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Der-" she gasped, trying to control her breathing.

"I'm right here Mer," he said, pulling her into his arms, sitting up so that he was cradling her in his lap. He rocked her slowly as she clung to him. "You're safe Meredith; I promise you that you're safe."

He held her for a few more minutes before she finally pulled away, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Thank you," she said as Derek ran his fingers through her hair. "I'm okay."

Derek didn't agree and didn't believe her. He leaned in and kissed her softly rather than answer. "Do you want to try and go back to sleep?" he asked.

Meredith nodded, crawling out of his lap. Derek lay down on his back, opening his arms so Meredith could curl into his body. Once she was comfortable, he wrapped his arms tightly around her, as he did every night after her nightmare.

"I love you," she said, kissing his bare chest lightly as she said it.

Derek pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I love you too," he murmured into her hair. Not until her even breaths informed him that she was asleep did he allow himself to relax and fall asleep after her.

XXXXXX

The sunlight streaming through the window woke Derek up, and he instinctively reached for Meredith. He frowned as his hands only grabbed at bed sheets, and opened his eyes in confusion. The sheets next to him were cold, indicating that Meredith had been up for a while. Getting up, Derek grabbed a t-shirt, throwing it over his head as he walked towards the kitchen, where he smelled what seemed like food.

"Meredith?" he asked cautiously from the doorway of the kitchen. "What are you doing?"

"I'm making you breakfast," she said proudly. "I hope you like scrambled eggs, because that's about all I've mastered right now. But don't worry, I'm working on it." She set a plate down on the table, and Derek moved into the kitchen slowly. The eggs looked perfectly normal, and the toast hadn't been burned. He looked up at her hopeful expression, and couldn't help but smile.

"It looks great," he said sincerely as he sat down.

Meredith beamed back at him, a real smile that Derek hadn't seen in so long but desperately missed. "Good, I'm glad I'm at least becoming somewhat domestic." She turned around and headed back to the stove, presumably to get more eggs.

"Listen Mer," Derek started, unable to postpone this conversation any further. They needed to talk. "Last night-"

"So, I was thinking we could have the wedding in June," Meredith interrupted, as if Derek hadn't been speaking at all. "I mean, we said we wanted to get married next summer, and it's already November and we haven't even begun planning. I know that we're having a really small ceremony, but it still takes time to plan, and we don't even have a date, so I was thinking that we could-"

"Meredith!" Derek shouted, and the metal spoon Meredith had been holding crashed to the floor. She looked at him, her eyes wide with fear. He hadn't meant to shout, and definitely hadn't meant to scare her.

"Do you not remember last night?" Derek asked bitterly. "Or any other night for the past two weeks? You haven't gotten a full night sleep since Halloween, and I don't understand how you're functioning, never mind getting up every day and pretending that everything is all perfect."

Meredith rolled her eyes at him, causing him to become even more angry. "Derek, it wasn't a big deal. Just let it go."

"No!" Derek exclaimed, slamming his fist on the table. "It is a big deal. I've woken up with you every night for the past two weeks because you think that that creep is out there somewhere. Whether you want to admit it or not, I know that you're scared. I can't touch you like I used to; I can't come up from behind you and wrap my arms around your waist because your first thought now is that someone is coming to rape you. I love you so much Meredith, and I want you to be okay. It's not just sex and the physical stuff. I would gladly go without it if it meant that you would be fine, that you could work past this. But ignoring it is not going to make it go away; you have to deal with it."

Meredith looked at him for a moment before softly answering. "I am working on it."

"No you aren't," Derek said gently, getting up and moving to stand next to her. "You're suppressing it, and it's not healthy for either of us."

"What do you want me to do?" Meredith said as a tear slid down her cheek. "I'll do anything you want, just please don't leave me alone."

"Meredith, I have never left you alone, and I never plan on it," Derek promised, looking into her eyes, silently pleading with her. "I just want you to feel comfortable and safe. And I really think you would feel better if you talked to a shrink or a therapist. I did for a couple of months after my dad was killed, and it made me feel so much better."

"You think talking to a shrink will help?"

"I think talking to anyone would help Mer. I wish you would talk to me, but I get why you wouldn't; if the situation was reversed I would want to protect you from all the details too. I think a therapist would help you Mer. even if you just go for one appointment, and no more, I think it would help."

Meredith looked down at her feet, thinking hard. "Just once?" she finally asked, looking up at him.

"Just once," Derek promised. "And then you never have to go again if you don't like it. I just want you to work through it."

Meredith nodded slowly. "I'll go once."

"Really?" Derek said, his eyes lighting up, as he pulled Meredith towards him.

"Yeah, for you," Meredith said, nodding into his chest.

"Mer," he began after pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Please don't do it for me. Do it for you."

"Fine," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'll do it for me."

"Thank you," Derek said as he pressed his lips against hers.