A/N: Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter, I'm glad to know you are at least interested in the new plot line. I'm sorry the updates have been slowing down; this semester is kicking my ass. Plus, I just got this idea for a new story, and I keep trying to plot that out. I'm going to try and work on some more chapters in the coming weeks when I have spring break; I like having banked chapters so I can update on a semi-regular basis and not go too long leaving you hanging. So, I'm working on it, and I appreciate the fact that you're all still hanging with me. Anyway, I'm rambling, so I'll stop now and let you enjoy this chapter.

Chapter 30

He paced back in forth in the on call room until he just couldn't take it anymore. He flung the door open and decided to roam the hospital until the long awaited sense of normalcy would hopefully return. But it wasn't working, and Derek felt just as sick as he had two hours ago.

He had fled from Rose and the OR, and after vomiting in a bathroom, made his way directly towards a locker room, where he got in the shower fully clothed. He had spent an hour in there, the steaming water soaking his skin until he had used it all, only to continue to stand under the spray to be pelted by ice.

He had scrubbed himself, with his scrubs on, once. Then he stripped and scrubbed his skin raw. And then did it three more times. He washed out his hair, just because. He washed his face three times, and scrubbed his lips seven, until they started bleeding. He knew that all traces of Rose and her lips on his were gone, but the guilt didn't go away. So, he stepped out of the shower, threw on a new set of scrubs, and headed to the nearest on call room, where he had locked the door and paced until he couldn't take it anymore.

He hadn't kissed Rose back. He knew he hadn't. He would never have done that to Meredith; he loved her. She was his wife, the love of his life, his soul mate, his better half, his Meredith. And he could still feel Rose kiss him.

He was at a loss as to what to do. Seven years ago today he went on a date with a girl who turned out to mean more than anything to him, and on that exact date he had cheated. Maybe he didn't kiss Rose back, and maybe he hadn't seen it coming, or expected Rose to kiss him, but a kiss happened nonetheless, and now he didn't know what to do.

He could tell Meredith. But it would hurt her, really really hurt her. And she wasn't always rational when she was hurt. She may not listen to him or believe him if he said that he didn't kiss Rose back, and that the kiss meant absolutely nothing. Meredith would get angry, rightfully so, but she would take it out on him and their marriage.

But, Derek didn't think he could keep something like this from Meredith. She was his wife, they told each other everything. All of these thoughts swirled through Derek's head as he moved quickly through the hallways, not paying the slightest bit of attention when he walked right into someone.

"Sorry-" Derek muttered as he looked up, his voice catching as he realized that he had collided with the one person he did not want to see. He made a move to get away from her before her arm reached out and grabbed him.

"Derek," Rose began, eyes wide with nervousness.

"No Rose," Derek said bitingly, trying to maneuver around her.

"Derek, we need to talk," Rose started again.

"No, we most certainly do not."

"Yes, we do!" Rose said firmly, but her eyes revealed her true emotions.

Derek sighed, leaning against the wall before sliding to the floor, pulling his knees against his chest. "Fine, I will hear you out."

Rose smiled gratefully, easing into the same position as Derek. However, she left about a foot of space between them, which Derek was pleased about.

"Look, I am so sorry Derek; I should never have done that. I would never have done that. You are happily married, and so in love with Meredith, and I would never want to do anything to hurt you or break up your marriage. I don't even know why I kissed you; it was probably just a surgery high or something. I'm really sorry, and I still want to be friends with you if it's even possible. We don't ever have to talk about it again, or tell anyone. You're one of my closest friends Derek, and I don't want to lose that. That kiss never should have happened, and I feel really terrible." Rose finished speaking, looking at Derek expectantly.

After a minute of silence, Derek nodded slowly. "I accept your apology," he began. "And it makes me feel better that you regret it as well, and that you know it was a mistake. I think you're a really great friend Rose, and you've been very nice to me, but I feel so guilty. Even if I don't tell Meredith about it, which I'm really torn about, it still happened, and I've still hurt her. I want to stay friends with you, but I think it would be best right now if we took some space. I'm in love with my wife, and I cheated on her, and now I need perspective. Please try to understand, I want to be your friend, and I will forgive you eventually, but right now, I need distance from you because we never should have kissed."

Rose nodded, her eyes a combination of sadness and a little relief. "I get it," she said softly. "I totally do. If I had a boyfriend that kissed somebody else, I don't think I would want them spending time with that person either, even if I trusted them completely."

Derek worked his mouth into a small smile, etched in sadness. He really liked Rose, she was his first friend when he started at Mt. Sinai. But Meredith was…Meredith, and she mattered more than anyone, even losing a friend to prevent future issues.

"Thanks for understanding Rose."

"No problem, it's what friends do," Rose said, making her voice light, as if they were having a normal conversation. She stuck out her hand, but Derek was unsure whether he should grasp it.

"I'll see you around Derek," Rose said, thrusting her hand toward him.

Derek stood up and took her hand, shaking it briefly. "See you around."

With that, Rose walked down the hallway. Derek felt as though a small weight had been lifted off of his heaving chest. He still felt incredibly guilty, and he still couldn't believe that he had placed himself in a situation such as that, but at least it would no longer be an issue. Rose didn't want anything from him, and all he wanted was Meredith.

What he hadn't counted on was Mark Sloan. Mark had been on call last night, and had just scrubbed out of a surgery. He was wandering the halls looking for the closest on call room when he had heard Derek tell Rose they did not have to talk. Mark stopped dead in his tracks, and in doing so heard the entire conversation between his best friend and the scrub nurse.

XXXXXX

Derek stood outside the door to his apartment for ten minutes before he finally put the key in the lock to twist open the door. Any relief he had felt three hours ago was totally gone, and guilt was back in full force. It started slowly eating its way back into him when Derek realized he had only an hour left of his shift before he had to head home to Meredith. On the way home, he nearly had a panic attack on the subway because of the nerves, which caused him to stand outside his own home for ten minutes before he tried to calm down.

He hadn't decided whether or not to tell Meredith. He felt so guilty, and he knew he would feel better if he told her everything, laid it all out on the table and tell her how he hadn't initiated it, and that he had ended his friendship with Rose for her in order to ensure that it would never happen again. But part of him didn't want to tell her; not for selfish reasons or because she would undoubtedly be angry, but because he wanted to protect her. She had been hurt by everyone, especially guys. Her father walked out on her when she was five, and in high school guys used her for sex. The closest thing Meredith had to a relationship before Derek was a guy who knocked her up, called her a whore in front of her entire high school, and then wanted nothing to with her. She had serious trust issues; Derek had several memories of Meredith's insecurities throughout the first year of their relationship. But all of Meredith's issues and insecurities slowly faded away, an accomplishment Meredith often said belonged to Derek, because in her words "you have never hurt me or given me a reason not to trust you."

Well, I just gave you a huge freaking reason to never trust me again, Derek thought bitterly as he entered his apartment, which was surprisingly dark.

The living room and kitchen were in shadow, which worried Derek. "Meredith!" he called as he made his way down the hall quickly, stopping when he reached their bedroom. "Mer," he breathed, his voice a mixture of relief and nerves.

She looked up at him, smiling softly. She was clad in only her bra, her hands moving down her thighs as she pushed down her sweatpants.

"Hey," she said warmly.

"What are you doing?" Derek choked out, his voice wavering.

Meredith gave him a weird look, but shrugged. "Taking a bath. I've been feeling tired lately, and I got sick this morning when I woke up, so I skipped my classes today. I'm hoping a bath will do me some good."

"You feel sick? Are you alrihgt?" Derek said worriedly from the doorframe. He wanted to go to her and make sure she was okay himself, but he felt dirty again, and he would be disgusted with himself if he touched her now.

"I'm fine," Meredith said as she rolled her eyes. "I think I'm getting my period soon. I feel a little bloated and achy, but I bet I'll feel better once I soak in the tub."

"I was going to make chicken parmesan for dinner. Are you still up for it?"

"Oh, absolutely!" Meredith said enthusiastically.

"Good," Derek nodded. "Enjoy your bath."

On any other day, Derek would have asked her if she wanted company, but any other day he wouldn't have been kissed by another woman, so things change.

Derek spent the next forty-five minutes cooking dinner in the kitchen while Meredith took a bath and cleaned up their bedroom. He tried to keep his mind occupied, but he couldn't help but argue with himself over whether or not he should tell Meredith.

When they finally sat down for dinner, they ate silently, which bothered Derek. They always talk at dinner, always. Even if it's about nothing important or something boring like the weather, they chatted. He loved her voice, her laugh, but he wasn't sure if he could talk to her without feeling like a fraud.

"So, what did you do wrong?"

Derek's head shot up from his plate, his heart skipping as he looked at her with wide eyes. She knows, he thought.

"What do you mean," Derek stuttered.

"Roses," Meredith said simply.

"Wh-what?" he sputtered, his heart feeling like it was coming out of his chest. She definitely knows.

"You left roses for me this morning, and now you're cooking my favorite meal for dinner. What gives?" Meredith said, laughing a little. Derek studied her face; her eyes were shining, and a smirk was playing across her lips. She's joking, Derek repeated to himself over and over again as he tried to slow down his raging heart.

"It's our six year anniversary," Derek tried to say calmly. "Six years ago today the most amazing girl went on a coffee date with me, and my life was never the same." Derek forced himself to give her a small smile as he blinked back tears at the end of his sentence. She was truly the most amazing girl in the world, and he could potentially destroy her forever.

Meredith rolled her eyes at him in response. "Derek, I can't keep track of things like this, you know that. I thought we agreed that we would just celebrate our wedding anniversary from now on?"

"You're right Mer, I'm sorry." So, so sorry. He looked down at his plate quickly and kept eating.

The rest of the meal was passed in silence. When they were done eating, Derek gathered up the plates and was beginning to wash them in the sink when he felt his arms snake across his waist, and a head lean against his back. At first he tensed, he felt as though he been burned, the guilt prominent once again.

"I'm sorry Der," Meredith said softly as she kissed his back through his shirt. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It's just that I don't need a specific day to celebrate the fact that we're together, I do it every day. I love you Derek, and I know that you love me, but if you want to celebrate today along with our wedding anniversary, we can."

Derek turned in her arms to face her, feeling more guilty than he ever thought possible. She thought he was mad at her, and she was trying to make him feel better. He didn't deserve her, not even a tiny bit. She was way too good for him.

"Oh Mer," he said, pulling her close and hugging her tightly. "I'm not bad at you at all."

"Promise?" Meredith asked hesitantly.

"I promise," Derek said fiercely, needing her to believe him.

"Okay," Meredith whispered into his chest.

He buried his nose into her hair, breathing her in. "I love you so much Meredith."

"I love you to Derek. I always will."