Chapter 4- Thoughts of a Thoughtless Nature

I still can't feel. I suppose I could, if I really wanted to, but I don't. The strangest thing is, I can't remember why. Or rather, it's not that I've forgotten- at least, I'm sure I could remember if I tried, but it's much easier not to.

It's so much easier just to sit here and not think at all. I'm still capable of thinking, of course, it's just that I have this feeling that if I did think, I would remember something I don't like, and then I might be sad. Or, no, not sad- angry? Frustrated, maybe?

I don't even know what frustrated feels like, or angry, for that matter. I don't think I can remember what it feels like to feel. But then again, I don't think to begin with. I wonder… No, I don't wonder anymore. Wondering is almost like thinking, I think, and I think if I thought I wouldn't like it.

Oh, and there's something else that's peculiar- I've been referring to myself as "I". I don't know if that should be odd or normal- but I don't think, so I suppose I've no way of finding out.

See, if I'm calling myself "I", that must mean I'm talking to someone. But there's no one around, and I'm not saying anything out loud, so I must not be talking to anyone. Does that mean I'm thinking? No, I can't be thinking, because I have to use my head to think, but I haven't moved my head for quite some time.

Do I have a head? Am I even a person? How would I know? I suppose I must at least exist, because if I didn't exist I wouldn't be around to think all these thoughts which I'm not actually thinking because I don't think, and I don't use my head.

This brings me to my next point- it seems like I should be addressing myself with a name. The trouble is, I can't seem to remember if I have one. I could try to remember, but I still have a feeling that remembering would be unpleasant, and I don't think I have anything worth trying for.

But then again, I don't think. So does that mean I know? Knowing isn't the same as thinking- it can't be- if it was they would both be the same word. Then that must be it. I know there isn't anything worth trying for.

That still doesn't answer the question (it's not really a question because I'd have to think to come up with a question, and even more for an answer) of my name. If I have one. Actually, now that I'm not thinking about it- or at all- I don't think I need a name.

If no one's around to use my name, I don't need to have one. And therefore, trying to remember it is even more of a waste of time, because even if I did have one, there's nothing for me to do with it. And if there's nothing for me to do with it, there's no point in me having one.

But if I'm calling myself "I", does that make "I" my name? What is a name, anyway? Is it something other people call me, or something I call myself, or is it what I am? And if my name is what I am, then do I need one after all? If my name is nonexistent, does that make me nonexistent?

Does it matter anyway? No, it doesn't. I'm nameless, thoughtless, I don't have a past, and the only thing I can ever see or hear is white nothingness. Perhaps it's better that I don't exist. If I did exist, I wouldn't have any effect on the world, anyway. Assuming the world exists to begin with.

Oh, it looks like my silent thoughtlessness has been interrupted. But by who? I still don't see or hear anyone around. I'm certain that no one is there. And even if someone were there, I'm not here to hear them.

And yet every now and then, there's something that interrupts my thoughtless thinking. I haven't the slightest idea what it could be, but whatever it is, it just won't let me rest. It's quite annoying. And no matter how I ignore it, it just keeps coming back.

I think at this point I think I would have to think to come up with a way to make it stop. But I can't do that. I can't. If I think if I let my guard down for even a second, whatever it is might just break through. And even though I don't think, I don't think I can take all the thinking and remembering if I did try.

But then again, if there's no reason for me to try, what reason do I have not to try? Oh, that's right, I'm sure if I tried I would feel unpleasant. I won't try, then. I'll just have to hope whatever it is goes away on its own. But if I don't think, I don't think I can hope either.

Ah! I just can't concentrate on not concentrating with that annoying whatever it is bothering me! I have to get rid of it. But getting rid of it means thinking. I can't think, no matter what.

But if I don't think, I'll never be able to not think in peace. Maybe if I only thought a tiny, tiny bit, just to get rid of whatever it is, then I could go back to not thinking. That's it. That's what I'll do. I'll only think a tiny little bit…

"Hatter!"

Was that… My name? It was my name, wasn't it? It was. My name is Hatter. I make hats. And the person I care about more than anything else in the world all put together- is Alice.

What a beautiful name. What a beautiful girl. No, not beautiful, that word is far too common. It's used almost every day, maybe even more than that. Such words could ever truly describe Alice. No words will ever be good enough to describe Alice.

Alice… Left… Alice wanted to leave. She's gone and she's never coming back. I don't want to know. I don't want to know my name or hers or anyone else's. Because as much as I love loving her- no, no it can't be. And the more time I spend thinking about it the worse off I will be.

It's better not to think at all, not to dream or hope. It's far better not to feel than to feel the pain that comes with-

Author's Note: Yes, I know, I'm a day late. Please don't kill me! Well, actually, you could if you wanted to, but you'd have to think in order to want that, wouldn't you? (evil laugh) Yeah. Back on topic, I am very, very sorry for the delay. I am a very busy, jetlagged girl. But I hoped you liked this. Present tense, Hatter's perspective. As of now for the foreseeable future (unless I change my mind) I will tell the story in segments from each character's point of view, just as I've been doing. Next chapter belongs to Mallymkin, and will be posted at some point within the week, so stay tuned! Thank you for reading, and please review if you have the time. Fairfarren all!

-Scrylethia