A/N: I hate to say it, but we're almost done with this story. I've run out of ideas and there are two stories in my brain that I really want to write, so after this chapter, there will be four more and an epilogue, so 43 chapters total. In this update, Meredith and Derek will finally talk it all out, I hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 38

Meredith stretched languidly and opened her eyes slowly so as to not be blinded by any light. The orange sunlight drifted through the blinds in the bedroom, and Meredith scanned the room quickly, relief flooding her. She was finally back in her own bed, her nice, soft, comfortable bed in the apartment she shared with Derek. Derek. Where was he? Meredith looked around, not finding any trace of her husband in their room. She looked outside again, and was a little disoriented. She had cried herself to sleep in Derek's arms again for the second time in a week, but she wasn't sure when she fell asleep or how long she was out. She glanced at the simple digital clock on her nightstand, 6:59. But, that could be either am or pm; it was fall, so the sun was rising later and setting early, leaving her completely unaware as to what time of day it was.

She sat up in bed, trying hard to concentrate on what she could remember happening after her breakdown and Derek comforting her. She woke up briefly twice; the first time, Derek wasn't lying next to her, but standing in front of her placing a bottle of water on the nightstand. He had smiled sadly at her, and wordlessly climbed back into bed to hold her. It was definitely daylight that time, she decided. She had woken up again, but she must have moved around while sleeping because her head was buried in Derek's chest, and she hadn't wanted to move to see what time it was. So, she just closed her eyes and slipped back into unconsciousness.

But now, she was wide awake and refreshed, and decided to look for Derek. She knew that they had a lot to talk about, and a lot to work through and explain, and since she was back in their apartment, she figured it would be best to do it sooner rather than later.

As she got out of bed, she realized she was still wearing the same clothes she had worn when being discharged from the hospital. She stripped out of her jeans and sweater, opting for a more comfortable pear of sweatpants and a long sleeve tee shirt. She then brushed her hair, studying herself closely in the mirror before finally deciding to leave her bedroom.

She found Derek busy in the kitchen; apparently it was some sort of meal time. He turned to face her as she stumbled in, giving her a tentative smile.

"Hey," he said as he grabbed plates from one of the cabinets.

"Hi," she replied. "How long was I asleep?"

"Umm," Derek began, glancing at the clock quickly. "About twenty hours." He smiled in amusement when he saw Meredith's shocked expression.

"I've been asleep almost an entire day?" Meredith exclaimed incredulously

"Yup, it's seven thirty in the morning," Derek confirmed with a smile.

"Oh," Meredith said, and the conversation came to a halt, neither one knowing what to say. Meredith figured that she would have to be the one to bring up their status. So as Derek brought over her favorite breakfast food, pancakes, she sat down and looked up at him.

"I think we should maybe talk," Meredith said cautiously.

She saw Derek tense, his lips forming a thin line. "Sure," he said, moving to place the pan in the sink before joining her at the kitchen table.

"So," Derek started. "Do you want to talk about us first, or the baby?"

Meredith's stomach clenched as she thought of the baby, and she inhaled deeply. "Us. Definitely us."

Derek nodded his agreement before opening his mouth. "Mer, I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about what happened with Rose. If I could take it all back I would, but I can't, so I'm just going to apologize. I love you, and I still want to be with you, and I'm not letting you go without a fight, unless you really want to go."

Meredith paused, figuring out how to say what she wanted. "I don't like that you didn't tell me. I get why you didn't, but I still wish you had. It makes me feel like you don't trust me, like you didn't think I trusted you enough to know how you feel about me. And had you told me right away, I would have been mad at first. I'm sure I would have freaked out, but I would have gotten over it relatively quickly. I would have believed you Derek, but you didn't trust me to, and that hurt more than that kiss with the nurse." Tears were welling in her eyes, but she couldn't do anything to stop them. Derek's head dropped down to his hands, where he rubbed his temples before looking back up at her. When he did, his eyes were sad, and he looked like he was about to break.

"So what does this mean?" He asked her, his voice filled with sorrow.

"I-I I'm not sure," Meredith admitted quietly, and Derek's face became sadder than Meredith had ever thought possible. "I know that right now, I don't think I trust you. Secrets aren't okay Derek, and we've never kept secrets about big things from each other." Derek nodded sadly, and she saw him pulling away from her emotionally, so she knew she had to say what she meant, and say it fast. "But, at the same time, I hurt you too Derek. I just up and left you really early in the morning rather than sticking it out. And I'm sorry for that. There was a lot going on with me, as you know, but that's still no excuse. I disappeared on you, and I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?" She stared at him with wide eyes as Derek's face shot up, looking at her with a bewildered expression on his face, like that was the last thing he was expecting.

"Of course I forgive you," Derek said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "There's nothing to forgive. I don't like that you left, but I can't say that you were unjustified in doing so. I'm not angry with you about that."

"Are you angry about other things?" Meredith asked, subtly shifting the conversation to the baby.

"In a way, yes," Derek admitted. "But once again, I gave you a perfectly good reason to leave. In a way I can't really blame you."

"But you can be mad at me Der," Meredith pushed.

"We can talk about that next, I thought we were discussing our relationship first," Derek responded.

"Right," Meredith nodded.

"So, where does this leave us Meredith? Because I'm in this as long as you are. I will fight for you. I love you and I will do anything to make this better," Derek said, his eyes pleading with her.

Meredith pursed her lips before speaking, resolved in her decision. "I can't trust you right now," she began, Derek's face falling. "But I love you Derek. That has never been a question. I'm not good with this cheesy romantic crap, but you are my soul mate, and that's never going to change. And though I'm not sure how well this is going to work with me not trusting you, I'm in this too. The post it said no running, the vows said in good times and in bad, and I'm going to stick to that. I love you so much Derek, and I really want to try." Her voice tapered off as she finished speaking, and the irrational part of her brain was worried that Derek may have changed his mind during her two minute spiel to him. But when she looked into his blue eyes, all she saw was happiness, and extreme love.

"So you still love me?" Derek asked hesitantly.

"Derek, of course," Meredith answered firmly, giving him a smile.

"So we're going to stay together?"

"Well, I want to be with you, and learn to trust you again, so I hope so," Meredith said.

"Good," Derek nodded. They sat at the table quietly for a few minutes, before Derek took her hand and squeezed it. "Should we talk about the baby now?"

Meredith gulped. "Yeah, we're talking about everything else, so we might as well."

Derek nodded in response, and Meredith didn't know what to say. She figured he could ask whatever he wanted if he wanted them to talk, she already knew everything.

"So, you found out you were pregnant two weeks ago?" Derek asked, and Meredith studied him closely. He didn't seem cold or angry. Rather, he appeared a little removed or disconnected, like he was telling a patient's family they had done everything they could, but couldn't save them.

"Yeah," Meredith nodded. "The Saturday after our anniversary thing."

"And what was your first reaction?"

"What?" Meredith said, the question catching her completely off guard. She expected him to ask why she left, or didn't tell him until after the fact, but never about her feelings.

"I wasn't there when you found out, and we were apart the week that you knew you were, so I want to know how you felt Meredith. Were you scared? Excited? Did you want to get rid of it?"

"Oh," Meredith whispered. "When I first found out?" Derek nodded his affirmation, so Meredith continued. "Well, at first I was so scared I cried. I mean, I couldn't believe that this had happened. And my first reaction was to get rid of it, because I'm just a student and I still have my internship and residency." She saw Derek flinch when she mentioned an abortion, but she continued. "But after forty-five minutes of freaking out, I started thinking about what it would be like if we kept it. I did the math, and figured it would be born around mid-May, either before or after I graduate. And I wouldn't start my internship for another two months, so I could spend time with the baby, and…" Meredith worked hard to repress the tears filling her eyes and keeping her voice steady, but thinking about what their future could have been like was proving difficult. She stifled a sniffle and kept going. "And you could have watched the baby during the first part of my internship, or we could have put him or her in daycare or something. And I knew it would be hard, but when I thought it through, I thought we might have had a chance to do this. But I needed to be sure. I had to know that you were in or not before I let myself feel anything other than panic. So I went to the hospital."

"And you found out about Rose," Derek mumbled with distain.

"I did," Meredith nodded.

"And how did you feel about the baby after that?" Derek asked, still without any emotion in his voice.

"I-I was so hurt when I found out, and I didn't want anything to do with you right then, so all the plans in my head about what we would do if we had the baby went out the window. I didn't think I could do it alone, so I needed time to think, and I left. I know what it's like to be raised by a single mother, and I didn't want to do that to my child, I couldn't."

"Meredith, it wouldn't have been like your situation," Derek insisted. "I would have been there."

"I know," she said quietly. "But I for the first couple of days after I left, I wasn't sure if I wanted the baby or not, I just didn't think I could handle it."

"So you were going to get rid of it?" Derek said, and for the first time, there was a hint of emotion in his voice. It was accusatory, and Meredith didn't like it.

"I thought about it at first," Meredith said, going on the defensive. "But as time went on, I just… I couldn't do it. It was ours and-" Meredith let a small sob out as the tears overflowed, and Derek gave her a look of sympathy. "It was ours, and I like to think that it was made out of love, because I love you so much, and even if I could never forgive you, or we couldn't work it out, I loved the baby, and it would have been a reminder of how much we loved each other."

"Oh, Mer," Derek sighed, getting out of his chair and moving to the one next to her, pulling her into a hug. Kissing her forehead, he whispered soothing words to her. "We would have been amazing parents."

Meredith nodded, pulling away from him to wipe her eyes. "I just didn't realize how badly I wanted a baby or to be a mom until I actually got pregnant."

"You want to be a mom?" Derek said, his voice smiling in hope.

Meredith looked away from him, but nodded. She didn't want to tell him that she didn't think she would ever be one, but she knew that if the universe ever decided to stop hating her, she wanted a baby with him.

"Mer, if you want a baby now, we can try for one. I would love for us to be parents." Derek grabbed her hands, but Meredith pulled away.

"No," Meredith said. "It was relatively convenient timing the first time, if we tried now it wouldn't be." Derek looked dismayed, but Meredith continued, getting everything off her chest. "Plus, I'm pretty sure God or karma or the universe or whatever doesn't want me to be a mother. They know it'll end badly and it'll mess the kid up."

Derek looked confused. "You wouldn't be a terrible mother," he insisted. "But why do you think God doesn't want you to have a baby?"

"Because!" Meredith exclaimed. "I already aborted my first one, and my second one died because I got in a car accident. Yes, the first one was my choice and I know it was the right decision for me, but our baby was taken from me, and I think it's a sign."

Meredith squeaked as Derek pulled her to him again, holding her tightly. "It is not a sign," he said firmly before kissing her on the lips. "As long as you want a baby, I will make sure we become parents. You will be the most amazing mom, and I'll be a fantastic dad." Meredith smiled slightly at his cocky statement, and he continued. "If you don't want a baby now, I understand. You have your internship and career to think about, and the wounds are too fresh. I understand that, and I love you more for it because it shows how much you wanted our baby, and how much you loved it. But the minute you say the word, as soon as you want to start trying, we will. And I do literally mean the minute you give the okay," he raised his eyebrows at his last statement, accentuating the sexual meaning, eliciting a small giggle from her. He smiled broadly at her laugh as he kissed her cheek. He looked deeply into her eyes, pressing his forehead against hers. "I love you, so much," he said seriously, his gaze so intense that Meredith had to look down for a moment.

"I love you too," Meredith answered. "I don't trust you right now, and you hurt me by not telling me, but I love you too."

"We'll be okay," Derek stated.

"We will be," Meredith confirmed as she pulled him to her, wanting nothing more than for him to hold her.