Chapter 7: Pretty Much Dead Already

I felt my shirt getting damp. Carol pushed her weight into me. I supported her small frame as she let go. I knew that after this meltdown, she'd be a different person. I'd seen her walls crack a few times, letting just a few tears escape her eyes. But now, her walls were broken down. She was going to be this new, stronger person. That scared the hell outta me. When my mother decided to be strong and stand up to my dickhead of a father, he killed her. That son of a bitch killed the only thing I cared about.

"You can't come home like this every night! Think about our kids!" she says as he slams the door.

"Ya can't tell me what ta do!" he says, almost falling over.

"Get out! Just get out!" she shouts, pushing him towards the door.

"What didja just say ta me?" he says, ripping her hands off of him.

Grabbing her by the throat, he slams her into a wall. Slowly, he takes the knife from his belt. He notices that I'm watching them.

"Got a problem, boy?" he said, my mother wriggling under his hand.

Shaking, I run up to him, attempting to yank the knife out of his hand. He shoves my mother into the wall, and lunges at me. The knife slashes my chest. Falling back into the kitchen table, holding my gash, I see him go back to my mother, who is now crawling around on the floor. I can't make a sound; the pain is spreading to my torso. To my horror, I see him delivering a firm kick to her abdomen. Tears stream down my face as I grasp for air. She coughs up blood as she begs him for mercy. Mustering every last bit of strength I have, I walk to him, trying not to collapse. I punch him right in the jaw, knocking it out of place. He punches me back, harder if possible, knocking me to the floor. My mother scrambles away from him, but he follows after her, cursing under his breath.

Holding her from behind, he puts a hand over her mouth and he looks at me. He struggles to keep control of her. His eyes show darkness, something far beyond what alcohol can do to a person. He places his knife to her throat, her screams are muffled. Not taking a second thought, he slits her throat and lets her body fall limply to the floor.

The scar across my chest tingled as Carol wept into it. I squeezed my eyes closed and rested my head on the top of Carol's skull. I felt my own walls cracking. Not only was it bad that I was on the verge of breaking down, but I was enjoying holding Carol. On top of that, we were standing in the middle of a room in front of most of our group. How badly I wished we were alone. I'm being way too soft. But I couldn't just leave her to fall apart alone. There was something that kept me from walking away.

Somehow, there was this very strong connection I had with Carol. Words rarely needed to be spoken. It's like we knew each other's thoughts and feelings. Maybe that was because our pasts were linked more closely than we thought. She stopped trembling. I released my grip on her and held her by her shoulders. Just like I'd thought, there was a new light in her, although her face remained drawn. She smiled at me as she wiped her face. I allowed the corners of my mouth to turn up just a little bit. Dammit, what is up with me today? The look in her eyes told me she was alright.

Rick walked into the room, looking sick, with Hershel tailing behind him.

"Dad," Maggie stepped away from Glenn, "if they're going, I'm going."

Hershel was uncomfortable. He swallowed.

"Don't you think we could have this conversation somewhere more private?" He said in a low voice.

Maggie walked up to her father and placed a hand on his face. He looked down at her. His eyes were glassy. He put his hand over hers.

"I've always known this day would come… But I never thought it'd be like this." Hershel whispered. "Please don't do this to me."

I felt jealousy running through my veins as I thought of my father. My fingers uncurled from Carol's shoulders. She was confused. I couldn't possibly explain why I was upset. Not to anybody.

I walk up to the hole in the ground, placing a flower into it.

"I love you, Momma." My voice sounds distant.

I go back to where Merle is standing.

"You cryin'?" he asks.

"No." I say flatly, hoping it's not obvious.

"Yeah, y'are!"

I look down at my feet, trying to force the tears back in my head.

"Pa would be 'shamed uh ya." He says shaking his head at me, "Be a man! I'm fine, and she was my Momma, too."

They fill the hole in the ground with dirt.

"Knock it off!" I yell at him. "Get away from me!"

I pushed him at the church.

"Pussy." He mutters as he walks away from me.

They continue filling the hole. The priest goes on talking. I sit against a tree, I'm the only one here. Nobody even showed up but us, and nobody cares but me. The priest finishes speaking, gives me a nod and heads the same way Merle did. I pull my knees up to my chest.

"I'm sorry, Momma. I tried as best I could. But he's in jail now. He won't hurt us anymore." I said to her in between sobs, "He won't hurt us anymore."

I distracted myself from my thoughts and turned to the door, pressing my ear against it. The walkers were a quieter now, but they were still there. I almost wished I was outside. At least I could take my anger out on something. Frustrated, I interrupted the conversation Hershel and Maggie's conversation.

"What are we gonna do 'bout them?" I said loudly, jabbing a thumb towards the door.

"We gotta wait it out." Rick said, still looking pale.

"And then?" Shane asked.

The room went silent and all eyes were on Rick.

"We leave. Hershel wants us off of his property, and we have to respect that."

Shane's face twisted in distorted ways. He looked like he was about to blow up. I knew my temper was going to flare up again. I could feel it coming.

"There's no point stayin' here anyway." I said, looking Hershel in the eye. "The geeks are rippin' the flesh off your horses and the legs off your chickens."

A startled gasp came from Maggie and Patricia. Hershel shook his head at the floor. His entire family was shocked, as I'm sure they raised all of their animals from when they were young. I knew it hurt. Let them be upset. They're leaving us all for dead. Besides Shane, who was still fuming, our group was relatively unphased. We knew it was bound to happen eventually.

It happened to everybody. To everything. Everybody was going to die. Nobody wanted to admit it, but it was only a matter of time until everybody you knew died. That's why you couldn't become attached to people. I didn't know that with my mother. I knew it with Carol. But I couldn't keep myself away from her. I had to help her along and protect her for as long as I could. I knew she was going to die. I knew I was going to die. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but all of us were going to be dead. Every single one of us. Guess we were pretty much dead already.