I didn't sign on for this shit.
My fingers grip into the cushion of the interview chair I'm seated in as I watch Peeta Mellark make his confession to all of Panem. I try to see if it's true from the look on Katniss' face, to see if she's just shocked enough for it to be fake.
I pray that it's just another little trick they're playing, another mention to garner more odds in their favour like Haymitch had them do last year.
If it's not... Well, keeping her alive for one day will be hard enough with the Gamemakers. Three days? Fucking impossible.
After the interviews Mags and I return to our floor. She can feel the tension rolling off my shoulders as I step out and slap at the first ornate vase I see. We speak in the tongue of the past to avoid recording as she watches me rage.
"It changes nothing, Finn." She's insistent on this.
"I beg to differ. It changes everything. The Gamemakers will come after her with a vengeance. And our agreement? It blows up." I'm stalking around the room. I think my fury mostly lay with Haymitch for not telling me sooner.
We could have dealt with this in the plan. Fixed it before it became a problem.
"What would you have done, had you known?" Mags' hand is on my arm now, stilling my movements. I don't think before I speak.
"It would have been taken care of. Haymitch has her ear; he should have had it taken care of." I'm appalled at my own words. I'd just become everything I hate, controlling others for the advantage of myself. I step back from Mags and look off, embarrassed.
"And if it was Annie?"
I don't need the question, I already feel bad enough. If it was my child, I would protect it with everything I had.
In that moment, I understand Peeta Mellark. He'll make it to day three too, if I have any say.
It's Haymitch who, not surprisingly, offers me the bottle as I join him, Johanna and Beetee in the District 12 lounge. We're alone here, the recorders having gone dead with a flick of Beetee's switch. Peeta and Katniss, I've been informed, have retired for the night.
I don't blame them. They were never creators of the plan anyways.
We sit in silence for a moment before Johanna speaks up, her words startling me.
"Just another reason then?" Beetee nods, his swift fingers fiddling with his worn shirt.
"Like we need any more reasons," Haymitch mutters under his breath as he takes another sip. I can see it eating him alive, this girl of his being thrown to the slaughter again while he can do nothing. He'd broken the rules about Tributes, the one where they tell us to never get attached.
"Did you know, Haymitch?" He looks at me then, my question surprising him.
"Of course I didn't. Don't blame me for this; I would have taken care of it." He snaps. His brows furrow as he realizes what he's just said.
"No, Haymitch you wouldn't have. We all know it."
"I would have had a plan, at least." It's a small whisper from this man. The one who's been the driving force behind this secret revolution since the announcement of the Quell. We've worked together so diligently to get these plans in place and now there's another factor – the added hatred of the Gamemakers with bloodlust for the unborn.
None of us speak after that. We're all aware that there are no options for us other than to do what's already planned.
Beetee is the first to leave, with a quiet goodnight. Johanna follows soon after, scoffing and reminding us that this will probably all blow up in our faces. When the room is empty I let the faux-Capitol smile fall from my lips. I'm tired of wearing it for others. Haymitch doesn't need me to wear it.
"I've got this," I say. I mean it. I will give everything to last the next three days. When Haymitch looks at me, a sadness I've never seen before is clouding his eyes. It makes my chest clench.
This man has been a Mentor for too long. He finally got to bring someone home and now he has to watch them play again. He's also losing his friends, the Victor's he's known for years and coached and helped play this Capitol game.
He's standing on the brink of losing everything in one fell swoop.
"How could he be so damn stupid?" His words surprise me when they come out quiet and deadly. I can't help but defend the boy.
"He's not stupid. He just didn't realize the extent of his actions. That's how we usually get here anyways." It's all I can offer. I don't agree with him – Peeta is probably smarter than us all. He's got too much to lose.
"We have to bring them both home now – do you get that?" I look at him quizzically – we planned to bring our team back, but why the sudden urgency to guarantee he gets home for sure as well? Katniss was always the main purpose of the plan. "If he doesn't come home, she won't either. She won't do it without him."
I turn the idea over in my head, looking at it from all angles. Haymitch knows this girl better than anyone, they have an unspoken line to each other, but she's a survivor and I can't see her losing it altogether for a boy.
"She's strong. And she has you."
"It's not enough. You don't get it. In District 12, kids rarely last the first year. They starve or they get sick. Katniss won't face a war, let alone returning to the District if he's not there, especially in this state. She won't last the night, no matter which family members she has waiting at home. She's already decided to come in here to die for him." His words send a chill down my spine as he takes another pull on his bottle. I can see his eyes getting bleary and I know he's going to fall over the edge into a rage soon.
I don't want to be here for that.
"Do you need me tonight, or will you be okay?" I ask, rising up. On the rare occasion I've stayed with Haymitch through the night. More often than not, it happens when his Tributes die and he can't face the darkness alone.
"No, we'll say goodbye now." I watch him lift unsteadily to his feet as he hands me his silver bracelet. I'm unsure of it, holding it between my two fingers. "It's your token. It's the only way she'll trust you to last past the Cornucopia." He answers my unspoken question and then pulls me in for a hug.
I'm surprised by the ferocity in his grip until he lets go and walks away. He doesn't turn around as he heads into his room off the hallway.
The Arena is hell. The tricks are torture, pain and terrible all at once. I keep him alive, if only just to keep her alive longer.
We all know how this works. At least until there's a problem.
There's a separation and then the plan fucks up and we're all in different places.
When we're on the hovercraft heading to 13 it's like a war zone. Haymitch was right – not bringing him back is disastrous.
We've also lost Johanna.
There's too much going on. Too much chaos and terror.
Later, when I find her sedated on the table, I'm surprised at how little she actually is. She's just a normal girl. I think about all that's been given for her life. I grip her fingers tightly in mine and I can't stop the words slipping from my lips.
"I hope you're both worth it."