There's too much blood. Far too much. I can't account for it all but I know somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind that it's coming from me and that it's not a good sign.
I don't know how much I've lost, but as the red tinge coats my fingers as I lift them into the light I know that whatever amount it is – I've lost something.
I stand from the fetal position that I've been curled in for the last five minutes. I won't let this show – it'll kill him, surely. Instead of walking towards the camp, towards safety and security, I walk farther away until I can no longer see the shadows of my alliance flickering in the water's reflection.
I keep walking, my feet carrying me farther and farther from the beach where we've been stationed. When I hear them calling out for me, clearly searching, I don't turn around.
I've figured out the clock, the rotation of the schedule and the way that the wave of blood will soon cascade down the trees. I know it's a harmless torture, one meant to throw the Victor's mentally off balance and nothing more. I head towards it determined to coat myself in something other than my body's own fluid.
I arrive just in time as the wave crashes down. I stand on the edge, feeling it coat my feet before I move forward into it. It's disgusting and vile and the most terrible thing I've ever done but it nearly cleanses the pain in my abdomen as it disguises my failing body.
I couldn't carry this child within me. Even if I'd wanted to, which I'd only admitted once.
I remember that night as clear as day as the red liquid sweeps me out into the water. Peeta and I had been laying in the dark of my Training Centre room, determined to last the night in each other's arms before facing this intolerable arena. He'd told all of Panem my secret and I'd almost killed him for it.
Well, in my head I might have almost done it. In the real world I'd collapsed onto the floor and acted like a child until Haymitch had taken me upstairs. Peeta had joined me soon after, stripping from his Capitol attire with ease and then joining me in my bed in silence. He'd curled his body up behind mine, pressing into me as his hand landed upon my belly.
I'd wanted nothing more than to run from him at that moment. To hide and escape or maybe jump off the edge of the roof.
Instead I'd stayed, relaxing my form into his and letting the frustrated tears coat my cheeks. He'd whispered into my ear every thought that passed through his mind. How he'd done it all to save me. To save us.
When I rushed to protest, he'd insisted that one life was a fair payment for two. I'd never thought about it that way before – that he was giving up his life for not only me but for his child. That was the only moment where'd I'd wanted this being in my body.
I feel myself drifting out deeper into the water, the red wave disappearing into the dilution of the salt. I know my face is coated in it, looking like a demon risen from the hellfire, but I don't care. It bears the truth of what I can't say – that my body wasn't strong enough to keep Peeta's most precious thing safe.
I hear the voices of my alliance growing louder and I know it's almost time to face them. I hope they won't notice, that they won't plague me with questions if they suspect. Spare them at least this knowledge before their deaths – or better, take me and let them live.
"Katniss!" I feel the arms meet me then, lifting my torso from the water and forcing my head against a chest. The way the body moves in the water is clearly telling of Finnick's swimming power – there's no way the rest of them could pull me ashore as fast.
I'm still dazed when we arrive on steady ground, our bodies still immersed in the water. I hear heaving lungs and heavy feet splashing around me and I finally open my eyes to see a pair of faces looking down at me.
"I'm sorry, I was checking the clock." I whisper. Peeta scowls and Finnick merely begins to rinse my body free of the red stain. It doesn't take long before he realizes that some of the blood isn't going away – that it's coming from me.
"Peeta, can you go check on Johanna and Beetee? Get the flask and some water as well." Finnick sends him off, leaving us alone in the water as his fingers cup water into my hair. We don't speak for a moment, not until he is surely out of earshot, before Finnick meets my eyes with a deadly stare. "What did you do?"
I didn't do anything. I want to scream it out. To salvage me from my own blame and convince him that I didn't want this – that I wanted this child. His words send me over the edge and I'm reeling and letting my body sink into the water that if not for his hands would surely drag me under.
"Katniss, stop. Stop!" I hadn't realized I was thrashing until he grips the collar of my suit and pulls me up for air. I must look wild because his face has softened and he's frowning.
"I didn't do it Finnick – not on purpose. I don't know what happened. I don't know, I don't know what's happening!" My voice is a few octaves higher than normal and I can tell that I'm panicking here in this salt water as the cameras look on and watch us. His fingers brush gently against my temple as he hushes me.
"It's alright. It will be alright." He swirls his hand in the water around my body and forces the accumulating blood to disperse. It works and we climb onto the sand and head back towards the safety of our beach. Peeta meets us halfway, his breath heavy from running.
"Here," He hands me the water and supports half of my body with his as we walk back together. It's abnormally quiet between the three of us, a new tension filling the air as my secret hovers between Finnick and I.
There's no way to hide this – not for long. I can still feel the wisps of my body expelling fluid down my legs as we walk. Surely I've lost too much blood and I'm paler than the moon. Neither one says anything as I'm settled down on the sand. Finnick thankfully places a palm frond over my legs, hiding my lower half for a while longer.
"What the fuck is wrong with her?" I can hear Johanna yell from nearby. I watch Peeta's feet turn away from me, looking at her as she yells out.
"Back off, Jo." Finnick is quick to silence her and I watch his feet step away from my place in the sand. Peeta settles down in front of me, his hand running into my loose hair.
"I thought we'd lost you for a moment," He mutters. I don't want to hear it. Don't want to be the center of his focus. He needs to live. I close my eyes tightly and try to imagine we're back in District 12. His fingers continue their ministrations along my scalp and I can feel the tears escape my eyes.
I feel his body shift down to lay in front of me as his arm skirts around my hip to pull me close. I still hurt inside, every move reminding me of the tenderness of my body. I bite my lip to hide the moan of pain, determined to just not be here, in this moment.
"Katniss, something's wrong." He whispers it against my face, his warm breath tickling me. I can't do it. Can't. No. It's not fair. I feel his hand press into my back, trying to pull me closer and I can't handle the pain, whether mental or real I can't tell, and I cry out.
His hand shoots back as if burned and he's up in a flash, pulling the leaves from me and recognizing the small pool of blood in the sand around my legs. I can't stop the tears now, or the utter suffocation that's pulling me under.
Vaguely behind Peeta I hear Johanna shouting again and Finnick reining her in. I hear Beetee yelling for everyone to calm down. I hear Peeta kneeling over me repeating his words:
"It's okay. It's okay. Everything's alright." Even though surely it's not. He tucks the palm leaves back around me and I feel him stand and pace away. I don't move at his abandonment. I deserve to be left here to die. I wasn't strong enough. Not nearly strong enough for this.
It feels like forever before Peeta returns to my side though I'm sure it's really only a moment. His hands reach out and lift me up, walking me again towards the careful caress of the water. Finnick offers to help and I hear Peeta snap at him. When I'm floating once again, Peeta grips my hands in his and presses a kiss to my forehead.
"It's okay. It'll be alright." I blink open my eyes and look at him for the first time. He's crying. I can't take this. With whatever strength I have left I turn over my body in the water and attempt to swim away, to escape his punishment, but he grabs on my heel and there's no real fight to resist his pull. Before I realize he's got me in his arms, his embrace crushing me to his chest as his lips find my neck.
I feel like a traitor, like I've betrayed him and I don't deserve his comfort. I want to push away, I put my hands on his chest to do so but he stops me.
"Please don't make me do this alone," He's begging me to stay and I don't understand. I'm the one who's failed us – not him.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I try to make my words count as he pulls me closer. It hurts but I don't say a thing.
"It's okay. We'll be okay. Just stay. Please. I need you to just stay with me." I rest my head on his shoulder and let our bodies float together in the water. He cries into my hair and I try to hide my face in his neck. I don't know how long we stay there before Finnick is calling to us, offering dinner.
When we step from the water I'm no longer bleeding. I don't feel right, but I don't say anything. I know if doesn't matter – I'll die soon here anyways. I just hope that he's far away when it finally happens so he doesn't have to lose two things he loves.