Chapter 14: Crumbling Foundation

I returned to camp after dusk with enough squirrels to feed everybody for the week. Carol was gonna be pissed for going out without telling her after she warned me not to, and everyone else was gonna be pissed that I blew off watch duty. But Carol shouldn't be angry, I didn't even see any walkers, which was a little strange. Usually, I came across one or two at least. That was the easiest run I'd had in a long time.

Approaching the fire, I heard everybody talking about moving into the house. A bed to sleep on every night? Would there be enough for me to have my own? I sat down at the fire and tossed the squirrels to the side.

"We could make a home here instead of a temporary camp," Rick was saying. "This could be a permanent place we could stay. A sanctuary."

"Did you forget about the herd that just rolled through? It's no safer here than it was on the highway!" Dale countered.

"We have a roof over our heads here! Food, water, shelter. Those are the necessities!" Rick shouted.

Lori sat next to him, resting her hand on his knee. She looked at him lovingly while he made his argument. As much as I hated her, Rick loved her with all that he had and Lori loved him just as much. I envied her for that. I thought that no matter what, nobody could ever love me as much as they loved each other. Ever.

"Get up," Merle says.

I wipe the blood from my lip and stand up. His fist rams into my stomach and I fly back at the wall. He laughs. I look up. He's standing over me.

"C'mon, what's wrong? Can't take a little pushin' an' shovin'?"

He's breathing in my face. His breath reeks of weed. I can't block the odor from entering my nose, my arm feels like it's broken.

"I'm fine! Get the hell away from me!" I yell at him.

"Come on, then! Show me!" He taunts.

My toes are probably purple. Using the wall as support, I struggle to my feet. My head throbs. Before I can process what's happening, a punch to the temple has me back on the floor. My world is spinning. Merle is squatting next to me.

"Don't lemme see ya cryin' anymore. Momma ain't gonna pick ya up and tell ya it's okay. She's gone." He gets closer to my face, as if I can't see him. "I'm only doin' this 'cause I love ya. Don't want you growin' up to be a fag."

He slaps my face hard and leaves me. The floor is cool and it soothes my bloody, swollen eye. I smile.

"Love ya too, bro," I whisper.

Everything goes black.

I search the group for Carol. She was sitting next to T-Dog, staring into the fire. I sighed in relief. She didn't get hurt while I was out that day. She snapped her head up and saw the squirrels. She shook her head fervently and walked away from the fire. I swung my legs over the log I was sitting on and followed her.

"Carol! Carol!" I called.

She stormed into my tent and I ran after her. The tent was spotless. Not a speck of dirt anywhere. All my clothes were folded, cleaned and dried. My blanket was neatly folded next to hers. Side by side, our shoes were lined up at the entrance of the tent. I felt so guilty for leaving. I didn't mean to hurt her. Carol just kneeled on her blanket, looking down at her hands. I sat in front of her. She looked up at me. Her lifeless eyes became bright. She kissed me with a sense of urgency. I never wanted to stop, but she pulled back.

"Never do that to me again."

"I won't. I'm sorry," I said.

I'd never been so sorry for anything in my life. She leaned in for another kiss when a shriek came from the distance. It was Andrea. I grabbed Carol's hand and ran from the tent.

Dale was right. The farm wasn't safe. Walkers swarmed around the camp. It wasn't anything we couldn't handle had it been daytime, but it was dark and the guns were with Shane. Carol and I bolted for the house. I wasn't gonna get locked out again.

We were only a few feet from the house when she started screaming. I watched in horror as a walker sunk it's teeth into Carol's arm. I let go of her hand and hit the thing with my crossbow. I grabbed her by the shoulders and sprinted with her to the house. We both made it in time. I looked down at her. She was in pain, and a lot of it. The walker took out a huge chunk of flesh.

Oh God. No. Please. Not like this. The house was eerily quiet. The geeks barely even seemed to make any noise. Every pair of eyes was on Carol. She dropped to the ground, weeping.

"It's okay, you're gonna be okay," I said holding her face. "Carol, look at me! Everything's gonna be alright!"

She hesitated, but she looked me in the eye.

"Can you do it?" Her voice was so small, it sounded like it didn't belong to her. "I want it to be you."

I knew what she meant. She wanted me to put her down. Carol was infected. She was gonna turn and come back like one of them. It was humane to put her out of her misery, I knew that. She wanted me to do it. I couldn't say no to her. If that was what she wanted, she'd get it.

I took her tiny hand in my own and I smiled at her. I placed my free hand on the back of her head and pressed my lips to her forehead. She smiled up at me with tears in her eyes. She turned around to the people in the room, like she was remembering they were there. They took the hint and left.

"I love you. I've always loved you," I shook my head, not wanting to hear it. "Since the first time you looked at me, I knew you were so much more than they thought you were. You're so much more than a hunter or a tracker. You're worth so much to the group, and so much more to me."

She moved her hand to my face.

"Don't forget me."

Now, I was in danger of crying. She loved me, and I was losing her. There wasn't anything I could do about it.

"I couldn't if I tried," I kissed her.

She kissed slowly, like she was trying to make it last. I tried to memorize how I felt there with her. I knew it would probably be the last time I felt anything but pain, anger and sadness. She stopped and stood up suddenly. She winced and looked down at her arm.

"I'm gonna go say goodbye."

She left the room, gripping her forearm. I couldn't think straight. My thoughts clouded together. Carol came back before I could get them sorted out. She pulled out a gun.

"Ready?" she asked.

I nodded and followed her to the basement. Everybody was huddled in one of the guest rooms. Some turned to look and others stared straight ahead. She opened the door and flipped on the light. I shut it behind me. We got to the bottom and she handed me the gun.

"It doesn't have to be this way. It doesn't have to be now," I said, gripping her hand.

"I don't wanna have to go through what Sophia did," she said coldly. "I wanna be with her now."

She backed up and looked at me. Her eyes were so alive. Rick's gun felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. I pointed it at her and I lowered it. I couldn't do it. She came over to me.

"You can do this," she smiled.

No, I can't. We kissed one last time. A lump formed in my throat. It was my fault. I'd failed again. This happened because I wasn't on watch with Andrea – I was off in the woods. I had to finish what I started and be strong for her. I pointed the gun at her and aimed for her head. Her eyes twinkled back at me. She smiled.

"You're a good man, Daryl Dixon."

I pulled the trigger.

I'm sorry.