Ever since the Games began I've been watching them with Rory and his family. They've made me welcome, kept me company, kept my mind clear of all of the horrible things that I couldn't not think about while Katniss sacrificed herself again for me.
I watch them with the Hawthorne's because my mother won't.
After hearing Peeta's admission during the interviews she'd been too embarrassed to face Hazelle or Gale or any of the other people of the Seam. She hadn't even stuck around that night to wait for Gale to come home, like I had, just to make sure he was alright.
My mother wanted nothing to do with the lies or the truths that were broadcast to us. She was hurt that Katniss didn't tell her before she left. But I don't think that's how it worked. In all honesty, I don't think Katniss knew herself. I don't like to think like that though.
Tonight was no different than any other night. I came over for dinner, bringing fresh bread that Peeta's father had delivered earlier in the day as well as some meat from the butcher and some cheese. I liked contributing to this family that I only knew as my own, even if Gale turned up his nose at it. It wasn't charity – it was love. But he didn't see it that way. I tried not to let it get to me.
After finishing the meal, Rory and I took our usual walk into the Square. We mostly kept quiet during this time, ever since I mentioned how words seemed to muddy in my mouth when I was around him. And it's true – they did.
I think I like Rory a lot but I can't say anything in case he doesn't like me in return.
I need the Hawthorne's. I need them in case... No. She'll come back again. And we'll raise the baby. And it will be okay again. I can't afford to think any other way.
Together we watch the sun slowly slip behind the trees from the market. When it's no longer visible we know that's when the Peacekeepers will start to round everyone up to watch the next segment of the Games. That's when we make our way home, back to where Hazelle has gathered Vick and Posy up to watch the Games with us.
Gale isn't there – he never is. He's always working. I can't help but think that it's better this way for all of us.
The few times I've watched the Games with Gale, it's been almost too much to handle. For 74, he'd suffered through the scenes in the cave as though he was being ripped to pieces. My heart had hurt for him then but I could do nothing. I was glad he didn't have to watch them live now.
I'm startled from my thoughts by the boom of the TV clicking to life in the living room. Diligently we all gather round, Rory on my left and Hazelle on my right, both their hands gripping mine as the scenes open up.
The Gamemakers start off the broadcast with a light recap of what's been happening in the Arena while they were offline. Each Tribute gets a small story arc that sums up exactly what they've been up to. I can't help but notice that Katniss and Peeta hold a larger time recap than the rest.
I judge the mood of her alliance that all seem quite lighthearted as they are rewarded with rations and reunited with more allies. I try not to think about how many allies Katniss and Peeta have. It's just more people who will have to die to let her live.
I feel Rory's hand grip tighter to mine as Johanna appears covered in a blood-like substance during her recap. She makes me uncomfortable and I try not to picture scenes from her Games that they've been playing this year in full force. Neither of us are comfortable with Johanna Mason.
When Katniss finally comes on screen, a small smile on her lips as she receives bread from Peeta, I know she's alright, at least for now.
The recaps close out with Peeta explaining the various types of bread that have been delivered, once again proving how even in the most difficult of times he can remain good. It nearly breaks my heart that he's planning to not survive this.
We settle in for the first hour of the broadcast by preparing mugs of tea and a small spattering of bread and cheese. The scenes that play before us are mostly banter between the Tributes, sometimes a caption of strategy or brainstorming on the Arena.
If Katniss weren't there, I'd even go so far as to say tonight's segment is boring.
I'm in the kitchen tidying up the dishware when I hear the small cry from Hazelle. I feel the chill run down my spine as I slowly turn to look at her, her hands clutched to her mouth. I drop the cup from my fingers and let it crash on the floor. My eyes meet Rory's across the room and I walk slowly towards the living room, the television coming into my periphery. His eyes never leave mine before I turn to the screen and see Katniss lying on the sand.
My breath whooshes out of my lungs and suddenly I feel light headed. I keep my legs strong and my back straight, determined to watch it happen all the while screaming in my head for her to stand up. She can't hear me.
"Rory, please run and get Mrs Everdeen from her house." I hear Hazelle muffle through her fingers. In a snap Rory is at my side, pulling me in for a tight hug before he bolts out the door. I'm frozen to the floor as I watch my sister shake alone on the beach.
"Where is everyone?" Vick asks, and his voice is quiet and broken but asking the only thing I want to know.
"Prim, Prim come here." I slowly turn my head towards Hazelle who has her arm reached towards me, her other hand still covering her lips. She never turns her eyes away from the TV as I walk carefully towards her.
When I'm within reach she's pulling me onto her lap and holding me as though I'll disappear. I can't help but feel the shock of adrenaline running through my body. There's nothing I can do except watch it happen.
My mother and Rory come crashing through the door just as Katniss has found her way into the water, rinsing herself clean of the blood rain. Immediately she joins us on the couch, trading me off of Hazelle's lap onto her own. I feel Rory's hand on my leg and I grasp it tightly in mine.
There's nothing we can do but watch. I understand what's happening now. She's losing her baby. She's losing Peeta's baby.
My heart breaks for my sister who always gives so much for everyone else. She didn't deserve this.
I've come a long way since watching my sister have a miscarriage during the Quarter Quell.
I survived the bombing of District 12. I made the trek to District 13. I've become a Nurse-in-Training and I've salvaged more lives than I've seen lost (in the line of duty, at least).
Despite all this, I'm still not prepared for seeing Katniss for the first time since her rescue. I stand outside her door, practicing my lines and using Rory as a sounding board. He's barely left my side since the night of the bombing and I thank him every day for that.
"Just go talk to her Prim, she's still your sister." His voice brings me back to the present and I know he's right. Nodding my head once, I push through the heavy metal door and enter the room. She's pale and scarred and thin and it hurts me to see her like this.
I struggle to hold in the tears as I step closer, her eyes shocking open as though startled.
"Hi Katniss, how are you feeling?" I sit quietly in the small chair by the side of her bed, the one that's very often occupied by Haymitch. I take in the healthy numbers of her machines and try to smile for her.
"You look so much older now, Prim." It's not what I'm expecting her to say. It breaks my heart a little.
"I'm still your little sister," I reassure her, desperate for her to be okay. How could she be okay? It's not right.
"I lost the baby in the Arena."
And I know that this is what she'll say because it's what Haymitch says she always says. Ever since she woke up from the medically induced coma the doctors put her in when she came out of the Arena, she's only talked about the baby.
I try harder not to cry, taking her hand in mine.
"I know Katniss." I rub my finger across the back of her hand in soothing circles as a tear slips from her eye.
"Can you tell Peeta I'm sorry? Can you... Why hasn't he visited me?" Haymitch didn't warn me about this – about the confusion of the Games and how Katniss still didn't understand that the Capitol had Peeta. He should have told me.
I squeeze her hand tighter and meet her gaze with mine.
"Katniss, Peeta isn't here." She starts to cry and I stand up and brush her hair from her face, my fingers resting on her cheek. "The Capitol... They took him when the Arena was destroyed – don't you remember?"
And I know she does because she cries even harder at my words. It's suddenly too hard to watch her suffer alone so I crawl up onto the bed and wrap her in my arms. I need to be the big sister for her right now. I need her to feel my love. I need to save her, for a change.