Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: here is the next instalment for you guys! The next chapter should be posted as normal, it is really only after the 17th of September that my schedule becomes fairly packed.

Well then on with the show, enjoy the latest part everyone!

Chapter 12 ~ I often think about where I went wrong. The more I do, the less I know

Edward POV

He looked up at me with a disappointed look, obviously my lack lustre answer was not what he had wanted to hear.

"Is that all you have to say?"

"What do you want me to say?" his lips turned down into a frown at my retort.

"It doesn't matter" shaking his head he took a step back turning his body towards the door, as he was about to walk away from me I walked to towards and put my hand on his shoulder. He turned and glared at me and for a moment I thought he might punch me again.

"I don't know what you want me to say Jacob, but I will miss you. You're my best friend, but I know you'll do great at your job" there it was again that disappointed look, I guess I had said the wrong thing yet again.

"Okay then" was all he said before he shook my hand off and walked to the door, stopping there and putting his hand on the door frame as he turned to look at me. "actually it's not okay" walking back to me, with a defiant look about him.

"What is it?"

"Do you really not get it?" I shrugged in confusion, not getting where this was going.

"Get what?" He shook his head angrily.

"I love you" he said bluntly not moving any closer to me but not moving away either. I didn't know what to say, I knew that I was attracted to him physically. I thought about him when he wasn't there, missed him when he was gone, did that mean that I loved him as well? In a stunned silence my mind went blank and a look of bitterness came across his face, while he waited for a response.

"I don't get you sometimes Edward" neither do I. "you're so hot and cold, one minute what we're doing isn't right then you change your mind. When I tell you I'm not with Riley you say that you aren't sad to hear that. What do you really want?"

"I don't know" he shook his head and sighed, taking a small step back.

"You keep saying that Edward, maybe you should man up and make a decision"

"Jake" he held up his hand to stop me and I fell silent.

"You can't have it both ways Edward. I love you but I'm not going to wait around for you forever" his lips turned down into a frown, he shook his head again and left not looking back this time. Standing rooted to the spot in shock, a part of me wanted to go after him another more rational part told me to just go back to the living room and be with my fiancée.

Bella had been so happy the last few weeks, completely oblivious to my betrayal she had thrown herself into planning our wedding that would take place in a month and a half. Around the same Jacob would leave, so I had a choice to make but I had no idea what to do.

Pinching the bridge of my nose I sighed deeply and closed my eyes. Right at that moment Bella walked into the kitchen, she looked up at me and smiled totally ignorant of the encounter that had happened only moments ago with Jacob. Although to be totally truthful with myself I wasn't sure, I myself knew quite what had happened.

"Hey Edward, are you okay you look a little off" shaking myself mentally, I brought my mind back to Bella.

"Yeah I'm fine, what are you looking for?"

"Emmett has a bottle of champagne, we just need glasses" walking over to the cupboard to the left to the fridge, I helped her carry the glasses and the bottle into the living room. Putting the glasses down on the glass coffee table, I lifted my head and my eyes sought out Jacob.

He was chatting with Emmett and Jasper, nodding his head every so often but not really paying attention. I could tell, because he nodded too often and his gaze kept wandering while his hands kept clenching and unclenching into fists, a habit of his when he was either uncomfortable or angry.

Bella and I went round with the drinks and I offered one to Jacob, who took the glass without glancing at me once. My dad made a toast as everyone stood round Emmett and Rose, happily grinning and excited for them.

"To my son and my daughter in law, I am certain that you will be brilliant parents and should you ever need it, you always have help from all of us. I wish you only happiness, congratulations!" with a forced smile Jacob raised his glass then took a very deep pull of champagne, almost draining his glass.

I saw Leah raise an eyebrow at Jacob but she did and said nothing, she just turned back to her conversation with the girls.

Two weeks later

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I sighed and sat down on the sofa whilst Bella made coffee for us, she chattered happily to me as she made it. She talked about Rosalie's pregnancy, a client who tried to sell her a book on snails and others things that I wasn't listening to properly.

Over the past two weeks the preparations for the wedding were increasing, it was all we ever talked about and it was slowly turning into a bit of a nightmare. If she was talking about, colour schemes, flowers or bridesmaids she was reading bridal magazines and watching bridal shows. It was all driving me mad, I had other things on my mind as well.

Yet again me and Jacob were not speaking, not for lack of trying to though. I had left numerous calls and messages all of which I suspected were just getting deleted. With one more month left until I was due to be wed, but only a few weeks until he was going to leave I was still very confused.

"Edward….Edward!" she spoke in a tone that made me realize that she must have calling my name for a while. Shaking my head in a half-baked attempt to get a certain someone out of my mind, I focused back on Bella as she handed me a cup of coffee and curled up on the couch next to me.

"Yeah?" she bit her lip, a habit that I used to find quite endearing but now it just irritated me.

"You've been out of it all day" she looked more annoyed that I wasn't listening rather than concerned at all. "I wanted to know if you had a preference for the song for our first dance. I was considering Michael Buble Everything, unless you had something else in mind?"

"No that sounds good" nodding I took a deep gulp of coffee burning my tongue in the process. Pressing my lips together and clenching my jaw, I put the mug down on the coffee table looking to the TV.

"Could you sound any more excited?" she said sarcastically, crossing her legs and slowly sipping her coffee.

"I've had other things on my mind" I snapped at her, standing up and starting to pace behind the couch. I ran a hand through my hair, tugging at the roots in frustration.

"Right, then if this isn't important to you then why are we getting married?" I didn't say anything what could I say? Pacing more furiously she stood up and turned to face me.

"I'd like you to leave"

"Bella..."

"No! I have spent ages planning this wedding, an event you don't seem to even want. So if this isn't what you want then you need to tell me now, before we go through with something that would not make either of us happy" stopping my frantic pacing I looked across at her, she looked angry and upset. She stood with her arms across her chest as she glared at me.

"I don't know what you want me to say" was my pathetic response. She huffed and turned away picking up her mug just to walk round to the open plan kitchen and put it on the counter top, still turned away from me.

"What I want you to say is that you love me and you still want to marry me...but what is it you want?" as she faced me, I had no idea what to say to her. As I saw it I had two options. I could tell her everything about what had happened with me and Jacob. Then I could call off the wedding or I could do what was expected of me and marry her.

We could live together and have 2.4 kids, grow old together in some retirement home and look after our grand kids. I just didn't know what I wanted. Did I love Jacob or was it lust and wedding jitters? But the choice wasn't just about two different people about me as well, was I gay?

"I don't know" even to my ears it sounded pathetic and whiny, I had said that so often recently that I could now see how infuriating it was. She nodded as if in understanding, walking to the door she held it open looking down at the hand which had the engagement ring I had given her.

"Well I would like it if you left" her tone was sharp and icy as I walked to her.

"Bella, please understand...I" she didn't look up at me as she spoke, her voice quiet.

"I have been trying to understand Edward and I still don't get it. If we love each other it shouldn't be so hard, so please just leave...maybe in a day or two we can talk...just not now" I heard the pain in her voice and I wanted to comfort her, to hold her an tell her it would be okay. But instead I walked out of her apartment in silence, only looking back when she shut the door.

Sighing I walked to my car thinking over how over the course of the past few months, everything had changed. I had a plan, I knew what I wanted and how to get it…and now I wasn't so sure.

Jacob POV

Inhaling deeply I felt the relaxing effect of my 8th cigarette in two hours, in between drags I drank my third can of beer even though it was only two in the afternoon. Leah however wasn't as home to give any of her disapproving glares or sarcastic comments. It was not as if she was ever around, she was so wrapped up in her boyfriend they spent most of their free time together.

Finishing the can of beer and taking the last drag from the cigarette, I stubbed it out and went into the kitchen to get another beer. Going past the phone I saw that they were a few messages on the answering machine. Opening the fresh can and taking a deep pull I listened to them, lighting up another cigarette as i did.

The first was a message from Leah, telling me she would be staying round Jared's tonight. Rolling my eyes I listened to her overly cheerful voice and took another guzzle of my beer.

The next message was from Edward, I walked away as soon as I heard his voice. His gorgeous smooth voice that had moaned out my name on several occasions, shaking my head and taking another sip of beer I sat myself down on the sofa.

Flicking through the TV channels there was nothing on, I settled on some trashy court room drama. As I finished the beer and cigarette, I had just lit another one when the phone rang. Letting it go to voice mail, I stood up to throw away the empty can when Leah's voice filled the room.

"Hi Jake it's me, again. I just heard from Bella that the wedding has been postponed, have you heard from Edward about it?" I stopped in my track to listen to the rest, not wanting to talk to her in case I gave anything away. I had a lot of questions that would only make her suspicious, she hadn't realized I wasn't talking to Edward or she would not have asked.

I wanted to know when this had happened. Who had been the one to make the decision, how they were taking it and if the reason was because he told her about us.

No if that were true, wouldn't he have told me? Then it hit me, he had called me earlier today and left a message. Waiting for Leah to be finished, I went through my messages, deleting the one from Leah to get to his message faster.

"Hi Jacob, it's me...Edward. It looks like my brother wants a party if Rose gets a baby shower. He wants to know if you wanna come out for a lad's night?" I let go off the breath I was holding, somewhat disappointed to say the least. There was a pause on his end of the line.

"...so unless you deleted this the second you heard my voice, I am sorry for everything and if you're still not talking to me good luck with the job in England. You deserve it" that was it?

Shaking my head I went into the kitchen pouring myself something stronger than a beer, a large shot of vodka. Gulping it down in one go before pouring another and going straight into the living room or swaying into the living room.

~X~X~X~X~X~

A few hours later and with a few more drinks in my system my inhibitions are lowered and I feel like I'm floating. Going to my favourite club I remember a cute blond buying me a drink, more drinks passed round as we flirt both of us given confidence by the copious amounts of alcohol in our systems.

Getting into a taxi, we get very close his lips all over my neck and shoulders, moving my head away when he tries to kiss me, I'm not quite ready for that. Hands fumbling over each other's clothes as we make our way to his place. Clothes are thrown everywhere in our mad haste to get to a sofa, a bed to get somewhere.

One of us pulls out a condom and lube and then we are at it, both of us moaning and groaning as he writhes underneath me. With the alcohol surging through me and my climax approaching, I chuckle to myself as he tries to kiss me. I push his lips away and push into him roughly. Kissing him would make this too personal, all this is mindless fucking.

Nothing else and that is the way it will stay.

Afterwards I make some silly excuse, he didn't quite believe me but I've already left. Somehow getting back home, I slip into my bed after creeping into the apartment completely forgetting that Leah isn't home.

It is nearly half four by the time I start to drift off and even though I've done all that I can think of, Edward is the last conscious thought I have, before my eyes close and I fall asleep.

~X~X~X~X~X~

It carries on like this for the next few days and I know I should stop. I should drink less and quit smoking because in a few weeks' time I would be starting my new job. The job that I had spent hours and days obsessing over, was it really worth throwing away?

Drinking more and more I pretty much had a permanent hangover. So on this particular day after the night before, I was driving to the store to get painkillers for the throbbing in my head. Sunglasses over my eyes, somewhat dulling the sharp pain in my head I saw lights flash behind me.

Oh shit. Was my first thought as the police car pulled up alongside my car, I hoped that he was passing by but that went out the window when he motioned for me to pull over.

I pulled over to the side of the road, looking down the street and seeing the store at the end of the road, just my luck. He took his time walking towards my car, whilst every beep of horn or shout to someone sent a flare of pain through my head. As he casually strode over to my car I rolled down my window, he was a thin reedy looking man, maybe in his early forties with salt and pepper hair and a neat beard that hid most of his face.

"Excuse me sir but do you know how fast you were going?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't know, but you're probably going to tell me anyway" he expression hardened, his lips turning down into a frown.

"You were driving above the speed limit, 60 in a 40 zone"

"But I was just going to the store I don't normally drive that fast" his frown deepened and he took a small sniff.

"Have you been drinking?" he asked me sternly.

"I had something to drink last night, I'm not drunk" he took a step back from the car.

"Could you step out of the vehicle for me please" groaning loudly I undid my seatbelt and got out of my car very fed up at this point. The police officer went to his car, parked behind my own and took out a breathalyzer. Leaving the door open I stood on the side walk as he held out the contraption for me to blow into.

His eyebrows rose when he got a reading, the frown seemed to be carved onto his face as he shook his head.

"You are above the limit, I'll have to take you to the station" shit was the first word that came to mind, he slapped a pair of cuffs on me and led me to the police car.

Edward POV

Sitting in the staff room I poured myself a cup of black coffee when my phone rang, the screen showed a number I didn't recognize. Putting down the mug and sitting up straight I took the call.

"Hello?" I heard clanking and shouting in the background before the person on the end spoke.

"Hey Ed it's Jake. No one else is answering their phones and I wouldn't ask if I anyone else were picking up their damn phones, but I'm in a little bit of trouble"

"How much trouble?" he filled me in quickly and I immediately sprung up from my chair, leaving my drink and calling out to Victoria the other music teacher. "Victoria, can you cover my lessons, I gotta go" I had covered for her a few times, when she went to see her on/off boyfriend James, so she kinda owed me. She just nodded over the papers she was looking over, while I grabbed my things and swiftly strode outside to the school parking lot.

~X~X~X~X~X~

An hour later and a very disgruntled Jacob was getting into my car, he slammed the door shut with unnecessary force and I winced at the sound. Buckling up his seat belt and looking out of the window he ran a hand through his messy black hair, looking agitated and uncomfortable.

"Could you just drop me off at home?"

"Jake" he kept talking as if I hadn't interrupted him, starting the engine I pulled out onto the main road in the direction of Jacob's place.

"I'll pay you back as soon as I can"

"Jake" his knee shook as he continued to look out of the window, not looking at me once as he kept talking, or more like rambling on.

"You may have to wait a while, until I get myself sorted in my job and new place"

"Jake"

"It will be okay though I'm leaving in two weeks" we got to a set of traffic lights, which turned red. Turning my head to face him I raised my voice when I spoke again.

"Jacob shut up" he closed his mouth and moved his gaze away from the window and at me. "it's fine don't worry about it, it's no big deal"

"Well thanks again" he spoke stiffly, not sounded all to grateful. A few months back I would have been able to get a smile out of him, with just a raised eyebrow and crass joke. A few weeks back I would have just kissed him and now I had the feeling if I did either it would not quite get the reaction that I wanted.

The rest of the drive back to his apartment was filled with an awkward silence, every so often I would open my mouth to say something but then I would think better of it and keep silent. Killing the engine twenty minutes later as we got to our destination, he reached for the door handle the moment the car came to a stop.

"Jacob, please how long is this going to go on for? You're my friend I never meant for this to get so...so fucked up" opening the door he hesitated, facing me with his lips turned down into a deep frown.

"You were my friend, past tense. You're right though this is very fucked up...I don't want to be your dirty little secret Edward. I gave you a chance to change that, I told you I love you for crying out loud"

"It's not that easy Jake" he shook his head.

"It could have been very easy, all you had to do was make a choice. So I'll go to London and you can marry Bella like you planned" he took a deep breath and sighed, turning away from me and getting out of my car.

"I guess it's good that this has come up, it shows us were our priorities lie...goodbye Edward" the last part was almost whispered, but I definitely heard it. He quickly walked away and I felt like it was my last chance to do something, to make him stay...with me.

I know what he wanted me to say, three little words that could change everything but as I watch him walk away yet again I couldn't say it. Even though a part of wanted to run after him the other part told me I should marry Bella. Waiting in my car until he went inside, I drove off back to the school hoping I could make it to my last lesson.

A/N: thank you for reading, please leave me a quick review & tell me what you think good or bad. Until next time, adios!