I really hope you all like this one better than the last; that one wasn't my best and was really just a build up to the other chapters. The stress of doing this one, my laptop deleted the original copy so I had to start from scratch, eurgh! I could have almost killed the bloody thing, anyways, I hope you all like this, please enjoy!
Chapter Eight: 'Put An End To My Suffering.'
Sometimes in life we do bad things and we let others take the fall for it; we do it and we let it happen but afterwards we always feel regret at our actions. When we were younger Bruce broke one of my mother's vases and I took the blame; he'd already been in trouble that day and I looked at the panic and fear on his face and took the fall. I was eventually forgiven but not before being told off for throwing in the house. I never told anyone about this; to me it's no big deal, I doubt Bruce even remembers it happened. When I took the blame for that I was protecting Bruce; this is what it boils down to at the end, we always look after the ones we love, yet we forget about what will happen to ourselves.
Today will be my first day back at work in ooh about a year, am I nervous? Yes, scared? Hell yeah. It's all part of the process though; I wouldn't be human if I didn't feel like this. Helena went mental when I said I was going back; actually accused me of not wanting to be with Mat; I've not spoken to her properly for about a day. I could literally kill her; its times and episodes like this when you can tell she is James' mother. Bruce and Alfred where both concerned and in a way excited for me; they knew I was being driving insane by being stuck in the manor constantly and if I ever went out it was always with an aide; the recent guy is about 6 foot 6 and never lets me out of his sight; he's a good guy just suffocating. I woke up early this morning; even way before my mini alarm (Mat) woke up; Bruce had gone to Wayne enterprise, whilst me and Alfred had cooked breakfast together; Alfred insisting I needed a good meal. Now I was relaxing in the shower; I hadn't 'seen' James for a while; tiredness can make you see crazy things, I've seen it happen before. I start to hum a song; lord knows what it is I must have heard Jack sing it before; I get a lot of things off him.
"So this is your little bastard then? His not mine is he darling, no he's yours and the Joker's little bastard."
No, not again, I turn around slowly, seeing James' outline outside of the shower; he leans against the door holding Mathew in his arms.
"Put him down now, please he hasn't done anything to you," I'm not scared for myself I'm protecting my son as well.
"Relax I won't hurt him; though he should have been drowned at birth really Mads. What do you think he's gonna be like when his older? A doctor like you, or do you dream of him being a lawyer? No, he'll be a psychotic murdering bastard, just like daddy. Hey he may even get his own set of scars, and then people would know for sure where he came from! Or maybe I should give him some scars hmm?"
I ignore him, closing my eyes and praying him away; I jump when he raps on the glass, almost slipping.
"Don't you dare ignore me, don't you dare," he breathes heavily through his nose, he seems so real, so hideously real.
"I've been so patient Maddie so very patient but now it's time for you to get what you deserve," he attempts to slide the door open and kicking into action I clench onto the door, pushing myself against it to block his attempts. He groans and steps away; thinking he's gone I move away screaming in fear when his foot connects with the glass door.
"Maddie!"
I look around gasping as Stephen stands in the doorway; his gun raised, "Are you ok?"
There's no James and no Mathew, "I don't know, I really don't know."
He lowers his gun and I'm thankful that the shower glass is stained so he can't see anything; "I'll wait for you downstairs."
I climb out of the shower; tracing the glass there's no sign that he kicked it or that anyone else has even been here, but I know that he was here... I know it don't I?
I dress quickly in my hospital scrubs, drying and plaiting my hair; "How you gonna explain this one Maddie?"
"Shut up James," he lets me push by him as I walk out of my room; going downstairs to face the music.
Stephen and Alfred look up at me when I walk into the room; baby Mathew raises his hand as though to wave at me, I smile weakly and cross over to him, picking him up and inhaling his baby smell; rubbing my face into his blonde curls, comofrted by knowing James can't hurt him.
"Maddie you wanna tell me what all that was about?"
I put the baby on my hip, placing my hand on the nape of his neck, tracing it like I use to his father, he smiles and buries his head into my chest, "I had soap in my eyes it scared me."
Stephen shakes his head at my lie; "That wasn't pain on your face Maddie that was fear." I mutter 'no' and he sighs, standing close to me, "Ok so you won't let me in, I came here because I heard you were going back to the hospital and wanted to wish you good luck...Maddie if there is anything I can do tell me, I like to think I'm your friend and you help friends right? Just let me help you..."
"I told you I'm fine, thank you for your concern, but I need...I need to get to the hospital." I walk away from him, kissing Mathew on the head and whispering 'I love you' to him, before handing him to Alfred. I leave them in the living room staying long enough to hear Alfred state, "She's leaving an hour early..."
Luckily for me Bruce had a spare key to my car; the original pair must have fallen down the lift shaft. Today the car park is packed and I stop to say Hi to several nurses; leaving with one nurse, Abby, to head towards the lifts.
"Do you know what interns you've been assigned yet or is the Chief just waiting to spring that on you?"
I laugh, I hadn't actually expected to get interns, "He hasn't said yet, I think we're just taking it slow and then maybe I will, I usually take some off the residents at the end, how are the interns this year?"
She groans, "Don't even get me started some of them are ok, willing to learn and whatever but then there's this one guy Chris who is a complete jerk, I heard he's interested in your speciality though," we step into the lift and I contemplate taking on this guy, "Really cardiothoracic surgery huh? I'm surprised he didn't want to go into something else you know involving breaking bones or whatever." We both laugh, until the lift plunges into darkness, I start to panic, pressing myself up against the wall, "Not again, not again please."
"Maddie, I can't see where the alarm button is, can you come over here and like shine your phone so I can see?"
"Go on Maddie be a coward, that's what you are," I can't see him but I sure as hell can hear him.
I whimper, caressing the lift walls to make my way to Abby, "Thanks, god this is freaky huh?" The lights flicker on again and the lift starts moving again. I breathe in and out slowly, lifts don't normally bother me but on the occasions when they stop and I start seeing dead people then they do, I'm starting to feel like something out of the Sixth Sense.
"You ok Maddie, you look really pale," I forgot she was even in here with me, "Yeah I'm fine it just scared me that's all."
I push my way out of the lift as quick as I can, going to my office at break neck speed with a quick 'bye' to Abby. I've not been to my office for a while; I still have old pictures on my desk; including many of James that he brought for me. I start clearing them off my desk, taking the pictures out and crumpling them into balls. A Joker card drops into my lap and I laugh, when I woke up this morning he had already gone; the space he had rested in was still warm, his clothes from the bathroom gone.
"Knock knock, hey Maddie you ready for this?" The Chief and Jane stand in my office door; I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
"You're diving straight into it today, a woman came in asking for you, I think her name was Karen...Karen Dawson, do you know her?" God I know her well the amount of times she has spent on my medical table, with me healing her husband's handy work.
"Yeah I do know her, I'll go now and check up on her, what room is she in?"
Max looks to Jane and she glances down at her folder, "She's in room 2, she came in on her own." It doesn't take a genius to work out that his hit her again; I can feel my fury mounting at him. I knock on the door, leaning in to hear her letting me in.
She looks up at me and I almost recoil, her face is a mess; she has cuts and bruises on her face; her lip is split, still bleeding, she is hunched over on the bed, holding tight onto her ribs.
"Karen what happened?"
She looks up at me smiling weakly, struggling to sit up properly, I grab a sit and sit in front of her; taking a swab to her lip. I finish with her face and raise her shirt, touching the flesh beneath, "Good news is it's bruised and not broken, this time." She looks down at me guiltily; chewing on her ruined lip.
"How are the kids?" At the mention of her children her face brightens up, "As fine as they can be Lucy and April are at school, Billy stays home with me, his at the neighbours right now, I didn't want him seeing me like this."
"How's your little boy by the way, you'll have to bring him over for me to see him." She winces as she slides off the bed; I hand her the leather jacket on the pillow.
"He's fine thanks, you know Karen you don't have to go back to him, I can get you help," she shakes her head, looking bemused, "He'll find me he always does, it's getting better you know, this was just me being stupid, he is getting better."
I say no more, merely writing my number and address on a scrap of paper handing it over to her, "Call me or visit me whenever you want, with the kids or without just don't be afraid ok?"
"You think I'm selfish don't you? I have kids and I stay with him, I will get out I just can't right now, but I will I swear."
"You don't have to explain anything to me, its fine, I get it." We embrace gently and I watch her walk away, knowing it could quite possibly be the last time.
"Maddie you doing ok?"
"Why is it you always know when I'm miserable?" He laughs and I turn round to look at him, Jack stands behind me in jeans and a sweater, his scars covered once again, his hair hidden by a cap.
He embraces me from behind and walks backwards into the room Karen was just in, turning me around so he can kick the door closed behind us.
"She's getting beat up by her husband you know, I managed to get the cops here once and then she dropped the charges, but he still does it, he still hurts her Jack," he watches me intently, those dark eyes so like our son's. He plays with the top of my scrubs, walking closer towards me; I step back and fall back onto the bed.
"It's not your fault ok, she chose to go back and drop those chargers, you're doing all you can to help her, you can't do much else."
In response to what I view as him lying to protect me, I kiss him, desperate for his touch. He goes to pull away to talk some more, but I refuse him, grabbing his hair and tugging him back to me.
"I don't have long ok, but I really need this ok so don't tell me it's wrong or it's not my fault ok?" I tug at his jeans; for once he has no belt on and they come down easily; leaving him in black boxers. He quickly catches on and throws my scrub top to the side; I feel paranoid; I've not been with anyone since Mat and my body has obviously changed. As if sensing my thoughts he trails his hand across my stomach, caressing it in one of the most pleasurable way.
"So beautiful, so so beautiful," his lips come to mine again and we struggle to lie down on the bed.
He kisses my neck, beginning to suck on it; I guide his head further down; how am I suppose to explain love bites to Bruce? He practically snarls as he understands my meaning, returning his head to my neck, biting down hard; hard but not enough for me to feel pain. I tug down his boxers; leaving them to rest on his ankles, he eases down my scrubs and underwear. Using his hand he spreads my legs slightly; he looks at me and I nod, thrusting my hips to meet his fingers, "Do you like this?" I clench onto his shoulder, careful to avoid his injuries.
"Scratch me, draw blood," if anyone else had asked me this I would have questioned them but he is after all the Joker; he wants pain. My nails are quite short but they still do the job; leaving a trail of blood running down his back. He removes his fingers from me; reaching into his pants pocket for a ...condom. I frown at him, I didn't think he actually would use one, but then again I'm pretty sure I don't want Mat to have a brother or sister anytime soon.
"Put it on me," I take the package off him, slowly putting the condom on him; he thrusts into my hand and I shake my head, scratching him more, "Wait."
When I'm finished he thrusts into me; harder than he has done before, I know I'm quickly running out of time, "Faster," I urge him he responds by kissing me, placing my hands above my head.
I go to look away, he lets go of my wrists with one of his hands; "Look at me Maddie, look me in the eyes now," at his tone I turn my head and look at him full on, he bits my lip and this time I don't refuse him. I twist my hand out of his hold and press him further into me as we reach our climax; careful not to make too much noise. We cling onto a few moments more, it's been so long since we've been together I forgot what he felt like, my beeper goes off as though to remind us where we are, he sighs and pulls away, looking less than pleased. I'm quicker to get dressed than he is, pulling on his pants I notice the blood from where I scratched him has reached the top of his pants; I trace it, some of the blood coming off in my hand, he stops dressing and inhales deeply as I touch his injured and broken skin.
"I'll clean this up for you, it could get worse," he nods and sits down facing away from me, "You should have been there when I got these," he gestures to his scars and I laugh, soothing some cream onto the scratch marks. I kneel on the bed behind him, placing my hands on his shoulders, right now it seems like nothing can get to me; I have my son and I have Jack, James can't get to me when I'm like this.
"What are you thinking about?" His question breaks the comfortable silence and he kisses the edge of my fingers; it's a tender and loving act from someone who people believe is so evil.
"I'm just thinking about stuff, it doesn't matter, it's not important."
He finishes dressing and turns towards me, gesturing for me to do his tie, "Maddie everything you think about and do is important, it's important to me what's going on with you." My beeper sounds again, I heck it, it's not an emergency but the Chief probably telling me I can go home now.
"I have to go, I need to finish up here and then I'm going to the apartment. Have you seen my shoe?"
I look under the bed and he comes around behind me dangling my shoe in front of me, I smile and go to grab it off him, he pulls away at the last second, "Jack come on seriously I have to go, I have to get to the apartment then I've gotta get home to see Mat," at the mention of his son's name his eyes seem to brighten, he hands me my shoe and I sit down to put it on. "I'll come with you, if you want, to the apartment?"
"Yeah, I'd like that, I need to get some of my stuff back, I told Bruce I was going for it so he knows where I'll be."
"You er sure Brucey-boy won't follow us there?"
I turn around and start fiddling with my hair; "No he won't he has stuff to do at home." He nods accepting my answer, not probing any further.
"Wait for me at reception; I need to talk to the Chief ok?" We walk out of the room, I almost walk into the Chief, "Maddie I paged you like three times, how have you been?"
"I'm good thanks yeah first day back was steady but good, I'll stay for longer tomorrow."
"No, not tomorrow come in the day after we may have a surgery for you." I hug him and turn to Jack who is standing at reception talking to Abby.
I gesture towards my office and turn to get my things, I pick up my bag, thinking I'd left it on the table I frown when I don't see it, turning around it's hanging on the door, I laugh, thinking it had been taken. I reach inside for my keys, my fingers brush some photos, I pull them out; there the pictures I threw away of James, I threw these away! I put my hand to my mouth, looking around my office to see if anything else is out of place, I have the sudden urge to get out of here. I walk quickly out of my office, bumping into Jack on the way out, "Hey everything ok in there?"
I look at him, his brown eyes crinkle in amusement at me, "Yeah I'm fine I just need to get going quickly."
We walk through the hospital, Jane is in surgery so I can't stop and say bye, perhaps its best when I have Jack with me.
It's strange coming back to the apartment; it's not exactly my favourite place anymore, I need to get rid of it quick and move on. I can see Jack walking around taking in the floor length windows and the expensive furniture; all of James' choice mainly.
We've only been here for a few minutes before there's a knock at the door; Jack instantly goes into 'Joker' mode, pulling a knife out of his pants.
"You er expecting someone Maddie?" I shake my head no, crossing the room to look through the 'peep' hole, it's Sophia, what does she want?
"It's ok Jack I know who it is, can you wait in the bedroom please? I need to talk to her alone." He looks put out by my request, merely turning and walking away, I'll be paying for that later.
I brace myself and open the door, "Hi I didn't think you'd let me in," I lean against the door, she towers over me but I can easily intimidate her.
"Can I come in please I still need to talk to you?" I nod, if it's so damn important she may as well come out with it.
I guide her to the sofa not bothering with formalities such as drinks, "What, what's so important you felt you needed to come here?"
"I need to talk about James and I know you don't like me even saying his name but I do need to talk."
I nod and she continues; "I know you hate me, you have every right to, I'm not innocent but then neither is James. I'm not here to hurt you or ruin your image of James but I see the headlines all the time and it sickens me that he gets all this good attention when all he deserves is peoples hate."
I reel back from her outburst, I thought everyone especially her adored James.
"I was pregnant, I was pregnant and James made me have an abortion, even went with me just to make sure I had it done, he was so scared of losing you again I'd never actually seen James scared but at the thought of losing you he was. But he went with me, not out of love, I don't think he ever loved anyone but you..."
I interrupt her; "You think this will make me give him pity by saying he loved me? He doesn't deserve my pity!"
She smiles sadly at me, "He hit you to huh?" She nods to me, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." She stands and raises her shirt, showing the angry mark on the side of her body.
"He came out me with a broken bottle because I dared question that he loved you, even though he was having this affair it was so wrong of me to question his love for you. When you hurt your back that time I never thought it could be him but it wasn't it?"
I refuse to answer, I'm too busy staring at her scar, her scar that so resembles mine it's uncanny; "When he did this he left me, when you got hurt he stayed with you, when I got hurt he took one look at me and ran. That's why I left the force; not because of our seedy love affair but because he wanted to kill me and almost did."
I stare behind her, taking it all in; James stands near the window clapping his hands together and laughing, I squeeze my eyes at the thought.
"I'm happy now though and I think you are, I've got a new guy and he treats me right. Have you got someone new?"
Without realising I think of Jack and smile, "I think so" I reply, today I'm seeing her in a whole new light, I will never forgive her for the affair but right now I can look past that and I can see the broken woman James made her become, just like me he wowed her then slowly chipped away, out of both of us Sophia was the only one to say 'no'.
"I should go now, I just thought you should know what he did and how I'm glad he died, maybe now he can leave you alone."
"Thank you..." I call to her, she turns back and smiles at me, this will probably be the last time we see each other, I'm content to leave it like this.
I hold my head in my hands, "I tried to be your friend Maddie, I tried loving you, but all you could do was complain about me and my affairs and how I didn't compare to your beloved Bruce."
I look at him and he nods towards a picture of Bruce and Alfred; "What would they think of you if they found out all the things you've done? Hmm? You're no different from me, that's why we belonged together. Why we still belong together." He places his hand on my bare shoulder and strokes slowly down my arm; instead of feeling pleasure I feel sick. "You see, I've always loved you, even that whore said it, all the things I did for you that I didn't with her, I could have left you to die but I didn't I saved your worthless life."
He brushes the tears that fall from my face, "That's it cry, we both know I love it." I tear myself away from him; grabbing a picture of him I raise it, "Leave me alone!" I throw the picture and he disappears when it hits him, I crumble on the floor, supporting myself with the glass table. He had it fixed as though warning me what he could do.
"Maddie, whats the matter?" Jack I had forgotten he was here, he comes up behind me and I turn and practically throw myself at him, clinging onto his broad arms.
"I heard some of what she said; I couldn't help but over hear. Is that whats got you upset?" I nod right now I can't explain what I don't know.
He looks at the coffee table we're leaning against, "Do you have a tool kit doll?" I nod confused, he kisses me on the forehead and walks in the direction I pointed to.
He comes back brandishing the hammer, "You er may wanna move out the way Maddie it could get a little messy." I obey and walk near the door, watching as he brings down the hammer onto the table, the table breaks sending glass flying everywhere. He finishes breathing heavily; I walk over to him and careful not to lie in any glass bring him down to lie next to me; revelling in his strength and comfort.
"Jack do you ever feel like you're going crazy?" he rolls over and looks at me smirking; "Doll the question should be when do I not feel crazy?"
I laugh hitting him slightly on the arm, "I'm serious, do you ever feel like you're losing touch; like you're seeing things that you shouldn't be seeing? That you can talk to things that shouldn't be there?"
I have his attention now, "Maddie whats the matter?"
"I feel so lost Jack, I keep thinking I see James and then it's not him or it is him and he talks to me he yells at me for what happened."
Jack leans on his elbows and looks down at me, he traces my arm in the same way that James did but this time I don't recoil, "Maddie how have things been since you had Mat? I mean you all ok up there? I can get you any help you want doll, I told you I would do anything for you."
I nod, I know it's not that it's nothing to do with having Mat, "It's not that I don't know what this is but it's not that. I think someone's trying to hurt me and right now they're doing a pretty good job."
"No, no one wants to hurt you, sometimes these things happen you saw him die and the things he put you through..."
I push myself away from him, I stand up and run my fingers through my already tangled hair, I must look like a crazy woman but isn't that what I am? "Yes he does I did a bad thing Jack and he's making sure I don't forget it."
He stands up, taking my hands into his, "Now you listen to me Maddie ok and you listen good. You didn't hurt anyone that's the truth."
"The truth," I let out a sound mid way between a sob and a laugh, "The truth is Jack that I killed James and let you take the fall... that's the truth."
Oh yeah, I went there! I'm hoping this has wet your appetites and makes the story that more interesting, the next chapter I assure you will explain it all; I'll have it out as soon as I can. In the mean time thank you for everything guys!
Yours
Feels-Like-Paradise.