Chapter 12: Stop And Listen To Your Tears.
Does anyone ever feel like they're cursed? Like you've walked over one too many cracks in the road, or walked under a ladder or maybe one too many black cats crossed your path? We all have days where we feel like someone's cursed us; that every move we make we have to check over our shoulder to make sure we're not going to get hit by a bus. Some of the hardships of life are dealing with your curse; dealing with the cards you were given that aren't so great, that are made to sting. Gifts can be curses in disguise; it's always half-and-half. Whatever brings you the most joy will also probably bring you the most pain. Always a hefty price to pay.
Bruce's POV
How do you ask someone when they're hurting, how do you ask them what you can do to make it better? To erase the pain completely from their minds? That somehow, miraculously you could switch places with them so you could be the one in pain and not them. Maddie is smart; she doesn't need the doctor's certificates to prove that; she's always had a level head, always been the one to go to with a problem. Yet she was suffering alone; he gets it now, he gets why she always wanted to help Karen out more than what her job required of her. And now he gets why Jane hated James; it seems everyone was in on the secret but him; he was looking at her but not seeing her, talking to her but not really listening. How was he supposed to approach this, how could he look his little sister in the face and confess he let her down? At first like Stephen and Gordon he wanted to believe that it was just another one of the Joker's games; he was messing with them and couldn't leave Maddie alone, she was happy and he didn't like that; she had moved on and left him behind and he couldn't stand to see her happy; but now seeing this evidence mount up it was like a slap in the face. A slap he deserves. She was gone when he got back to the Manor; no note that he could see, nothing, Alfred still hadn't come back either so it was just him. The folder has been moved from the coffee table to the sofa; Maddie like they all thought has clearly read it. He picks it up now; fingers tracing the scan picture; she'd stuttered, when she said the Joker's name she stuttered, it was barely noticeable at the time but now looking back she had, 'Ja' that was all, a tiny slip but still something nonetheless. How close can you get to someone who could kill you, how do you become so close that you're practically one? That the other person would risk being called 'soft and could stand to lose everything he worked for; all the chaos and destruction' to ensure that justice was done? Joker and Maddie. Maddie and Joker. Normally the two names should only have 'hates each other; in between them, but what if that changed what if they... had feelings for each other? Joker loves Maddie. Maddie...loves Joker. Joker's declaration of him caring for her is more pronounce than Maddie's; he is causing chaos for so many different reasons; but this time it's personal for Bruce, it's personal for them all. He once thought he knew the real Maddie; the woman who can lift her legs onto her shoulders, who has dimples in her cheeks, who gets stressed at TV shows and yells at them, who is tone deaf yet will still sing out loud in the shower. Little things like this that he thought made him know his sister so well; now he realises he barely took the time to know her; to ask her how she was, what she wanted, what she was going through.
"Master Wayne, Miss Madeline are you here?" He perks up at the sound of Alfred's voice; rushing to the kitchen to see him.
"Ahh Master Wayne I didn't expect to see you here, I presumed you were working on the Joker case."
"We did, Stephen matched up the injuries and it was her Alfred, it was Maddie, James and her it all makes sense now. We came here and she denied everything and now she's gone and I don't know what to do. I don't know how this is fixable; I want to know the real Maddie, the human behind the mask."
Alfred stops in his actions; his smile cynical; "Like pulling back the curtain to reveal the true Wizard of Oz? I'm afraid it wouldn't be as easy as that Master Wayne."
"I have to do something about this Alfred! I can't just stand back and watch her pretend that everything is ok. I want to know her reality; what she's been living with for the last five years."
"Master Wayne, if I may be frank?"
Bruce merely grunts; unscrewing the lid off a drink and slumping in his seat, "She was living in two worlds; she had the world she shared with us and the artificial world she shared with James who made her believe that was normal. Outside of that who knows what is happening, she seems to me to be lost; totally and completely lost. I would advise not to stir up old wounds Sir, it may be too much for her; she is getting questions from every angle, I must stress how careful you should be when you talk to her."
Bruce leans forward, he doesn't know how to do this; this is way out of his comfort zone he's more at home keeping up the pretence of a playboy lifestyle.
"I need to get my foot in her door; in her life, I need to understand her like how he does. And I know I should go careful with her, I just don't know how vulnerable she is."
He runs his hands through his hair, a few strands fall onto his face; he hasn't slept in days and when he does the nightmares just keep coming. "I still have those nightmares about her, the ones I told you about her. She's dying in his arms and I can never get to her, I just stand there and I can't move or help her. Last night I dreamt she was yelling at me for not saving her, that I took her away from Mat. I only woke up when she was trying to kill me; I know they're not real but it feels like it; it feels like I'm losing her all over again."
"Master Wayne I think it's the time to talk to her; or maybe have Helena or Jane do it if you're unsure. She needs us now more than ever she may find it hard to express herself in words but her recent actions are speaking for her."
The two men look around the vast kitchen; the unnatural silence causing a rush of anxiety in both men; "You're right I'll talk to her now...Alfred, where is Maddie and the baby?"
They both look around as though expecting her to appear from thin air; just like that, "I'll go and check her bedroom she must have left a note somewhere."
Her room as always is a mess; for a surgeon she sure doesn't keep a clean room. Bruce squints at the gold ribbon on the floor near the dresser; he steps closer and his stomach drops as he notices what it is; hair, more precisely Maddie's hair he stoops to the floor and cradles what's left of her shoulder length golden locks. Her hair was always one of her finer points; so blonde and bright and now what; what's left of it? He dreads to think in her state of mind.
"Master Wayne, what is it?"
He doesn't speak, merely shows Alfred the ruined remains of her hair; clutching tightly onto the strands not wanting to let them go.
"Alfred Bruce what are you doing in here, you ever heard of something called privacy?"
Maddie's POV
It was different... I look and feel different. It's strange that something so small like cutting your hair can change the way you look and feel. I'm nervous; it seems I'm always in an anxious state lately; I know that when I get back Bruce will be asking question, questions I can't avoid forever. I enter the Manor quietly; noting that Bruce and Alfred must be back; Mat I carry in his carrier; he sleeps soundly clutching onto Jack's shirt; a much welcomed replacement for my hair. I hear the low voices upstairs; Alfred's softer British tones against Bruce's deeper voice. I abruptly stop at the top of the stairs. I feel a sudden surge of apprehension, startled by the depths of my fear. It swirls around me like the smell of death; surely they can't smell the fear and death radiating off me? I grip Mat's small hand tightly, unnerved by my emotions and the knowledge if whose room they are in. I startle at the sight of Bruce crouched on the floor; my hair spilling through his fingertips; Alfred's hand resting on his shoulder.
"Alfred Bruce what are you doing in here, you ever heard of something called privacy?" It was mean to lighten the mood; but my tone is anything but joking.
They both look at me as though a stranger has walked in through the doors; they've seen me briefly with brown hair but that was years ago and only lasted a couple of days at best. Bruce stands up and leans heavily on my shoulder; he still has my hair in his hands. I feel the weight of him get heavier as he wraps his arms around me; lowering Mat gently to the floor. I circle an arm around his shoulders and another around his waist; barely registering when Alfred moves behind me; his hands rest on my waist.
"I just wanted a change so I thought I'd test it out myself, I didn't mean to freak you both out" my voice is muffled against the fabric of Bruce's jacket.
"I know it looks good, I'll miss the blonde though," he says wistfully, almost to himself, as he reaches up and tugs on it gently.
"Does it make you feel better?" I realise how hesitant and scared Alfred sounds. We all know I'm not doing so good; but the acts of asking and confessing are not easy for any of us; it's like a bitter pill that takes all you're effort and determination to swallow.
"James is the voice in my head that keeps telling me that I'm hurting people not helping them. That I'm causing pain and trouble wherever I went. That it's all my fault. It feels like I'm cursed." I say this softly, as though unsure of whether I should speak out.
Bruce inhales and drubs his face into my newly cut hair; "You're a good person; you're loving, kind, courageous, and smart. You posses all the traits, morals and characteristics that any parent dreams of their child having; mom and dad would have been so proud of you; you're the one they would be proud to say was theirs . You have never disappointed or failed in my eyes, so don't stand there and think you have. I can't think of a time when you have ever given up; you were always the best out of me and you; I won't ask you anything you don't want to talk about; when you're ready you come and talk to us."
"I'm just tired Bruce...I'm really tired, I think...I think maybe I should sleep... I just need to sleep then I'll feel better; I promise you I'll be ok."
"Ok, I'll get you a drink yeah? Do you remember when I use to do that when you were a little girl and sick?"
I nod and laugh "Yeah I remember; you would always stay in my room until I fell asleep and try to sing to me if I remember right." He laughs and leaves, leaving me and Alfred to it; Alfred supports me over to the bed, I'm already feeling restless "You'll be fine Miss Madeline, I'll take the baby and you can be alone for a while."
I must have stayed in bed for all of five minutes; these days I can rarely sleep; my mind is always turning always thinking about one thing and then another. My hair is still on the floor and I swing my legs out of bed and start picking up the pieces; some of it has caught in the door to my wardrobe and I slid the door to free it; eyes widening as I see the dress in front of me. I blink and close my eyes willing it to be gone when I open them. I open one eye first then the second; the dress in its packaging is still there; it still looks the same as the last time I saw it. I ease it out of the wardrobe and its cover; I hold it up to me and take off my top and jeans; slipping the dress over my head. It's beautiful; a white strapless corset beaded silk gown by Giorgio Armani; my wedding dress. It's surprisingly loose; I didn't realise I'd lost that much weight.
I soothe my hands over the fabric; circling the beads; "Do you think I look pretty?"
"Always, I just wish we could have reached this day."
I look at him leaning against my bed; he's wearing his uniform this time; a red rose caught in the button hole.
"What else do you have hidden away in there, anything interesting?"
I kneel down and pull out a shoe box; it's battered and old; I lift the lid and hear him shift behind me. I didn't keep many things of his why would I? But I kept my corsage; the colour has faded and the 'petals' wilted but it's still perfect, I pull out a ticket to a theatre show; "Do you remember this? It was the time you first said you loved me, do you remember?"
He laughs and touches the ticket; "Didn't I say it in the toilet at the Manor? Your face, you looked at me like I'd announced I was gay and in love with your brother."
I nod, letting him have his moment before pulling out a red stained dress; he soon stops laughing; "What the fuck is that huh Maddie?"
"You should know James, it's the dress I wore when you pushed me into the coffee table; I kept it because I was so sure that one day I would look at it and come to my senses and leave. I was planning on leaving you know, before Jack took me I wanted to leave, I had it all planned out, but then things changed…"
"Fuck you Madeline, keeping this! We both know you didn't have the backbone to leave me, who else would have wanted you?"
"Did it hurt?"I disregard his question and rants', wanting to know what has been gnawing away at me for some time.
His blue eyes go wide, filling with shock and incomprehension, and his hand pulls back from my ruined dress. I draw mine back and force them to cling to the white fabric of my dress instead of the solid black of his uniform. I bite my lip in my nerves, meeting his eyes I am determined to know, "Did it?"
He stares at me, his eyes going blank, before he turns to focus once again on my wedding dress. "Honestly?" His voice sounds muffled; even in the quiet of the room, "I don't really remember," he sounds like a dream, confused and hazy, "I think there was pain, but I honestly don't know, it was fast didn't last for long, it was sudden."
"You were shot, how could you not remember?" I prompt him, nodding my head at his stomach where the bullet entered.
"Pain," he agrees with a short nod, startling me when he touches my tear stained face; "I could still taste your tears, when you come over to me, I was dead but I could taste them, I could taste you."
"Is it strange for you being here?" He stares at me again; those blue eyes so big and sad.
"Strange? Yes, I suppose it must be, yes strange" he replies lost, lost I realise for the first time since his father died.
"Could you have survived? Being shot I mean, if Gordon got to you in time?"
"The bullet got me good, you've got a mean shot on you, my arteries were torn and it was a through and through shot; even if you hadn't hit me that bad I would have died from the shock." He says it so casually, like we're talking about the weather or what's for dinner.
I shake remembering the hole in his stomach and back; the amount of blood that came out there was no chance he would have lived.
"What did it feel like for you; when you got hurt?"
I frown then realise what he is talking about; "Pretty much the same; I don't remember even when I woke up in the car I didn't feel anything; it felt like I was looking down at my body and just watching...I was peaceful..."
"I should have died right?"
He nods, shrugging his shoulder; "Sophia probably would have died to if her mom hadn't gone round to see her, how could you just leave her?"
He practically snarls at me; baring his teeth in a way reminiscent of Jack; "You and that mouth of yours Maddie; I can only be pushed so far."
"Do you believe in heaven?" He stops his rant and stares at me, not answering; "I believe in heaven and I believe in hell. I've never seen either but I believe they exist, I may be a scientist but that doesn't mean I don't believe. But I do because I have to believe in something; that something comes after all this. They have to exist. Because without a heaven, without a hell, we're all just gonna be hanging around doing nothing and still believing we're alive. Is this what happened to you? You can't get over you dying so you're in some freaky limbo where you haunt me because I killed you is that it?"
He stares at me for what feels like the longest time; me standing here in my wedding dress, him in his uniform; he clears his throat, pulling the rose out of the hole; "I did love you, in my own way, maybe for you this is hell and maybe for me it's my limbo. But this isn't my doing; you've put your trust in the wrong people and now you're hurting. I'm not here to help; I'm here for a purpose. I'm not prophesying; I'm just being me; how you remembered me, do you not listen to anything I say? You can cut and dye your hair as many times as you like; it changes nothing."
I clench my hands, forming a fist; "I'm sick... I'm sick aren't I? Instead of helping me and making me understand you stand there and tell me lies like you always did! Do you think I'll end up in heaven after this? Do you think I'll be allowed or will I just be hanging out in limbo with you, cause let's face it you're not going anywhere. You always have to drag me down with you; always have to keep me close, I'm through with it, I'll take whatever pills I need to get rid of you."
Helena's POV
She hasn't been round much lately; she's been preoccupied with other...things shall we say? She pulls up to Wayne Manor; she already knows Maddie is there, she likes to keep tabs on her ins and outs.
The old butler opens the door; she narrows her eyes at Mathew being in his arms; "Hello Alfred where is she then, clearly not with her son?"
Alfred merely nods, his good nature often pisses her off royally when he doesn't rise to the bait; "She's up stairs at the moment Helena; she's having a nap I believe she needed some rest so me and Bruce took Mat for a while. I think I heard her moving around if you would like to see her?"
"Thank you Alfred, I'll make my own way up, there's no need for you to follow." She hears Maddie before she sees her; the door is open slightly and she is pleased to see her in the dress; though slightly confused as to who she is talking to, no one else appears to be in the room.
She has to lean in closer to really hear her words; only catching the last part of the sentence; "You can't get over you dying so you're in some freaky limbo where you haunt me because I killed you is that it?"
James...who else would she be talking about? The proof she has wanted for months is right here in front of her; she's talking to a dead man; she actually believes he is stood there! She could almost laugh out loud; she didn't think his plan would work at first but now it has it is so wonderfully hilarious.
Madeline begins to talk and she focuses once again; "I'm through with it, I'll take whatever pills I need to get rid of you."
Oh Madeline...poor sweet lost Madeline.
Joker's POV
He circles his eyes carefully in the black paint; dipping his finger in the darkness of the pot; his been so busy lately that he hasn't had time to see Maddie and the kid. The TV is switched on in the background; the practically under-dressed woman preens herself as she recites the so called 'breaking news'.
"The Joker has still not been found and his whereabouts still remain unknown; the recent murders including that of Mac Dawson have once again left the citizens of Gotham fearing for their lives. Calls for the Batman to unmask himself seem to have fallen on deaf ears."
He giggles and throws the black jar hazardly into his cupboard not caring where it lands; stupid woman, stupid Gotham always trying to guess him. He puckers his lips in the mirror and smack them together; rubbing the red paint in order to smudge it.
"Meanwhile what a difference five months make! Madeline Wayne took her son out with her for the first time in four weeks and as you can tell by our exclusive pictures the little boy takes after his mother in good looks. Madeline was seen entering a hair salon where she came out one hour later with a shorter, darker hairstyle..."
He zones the woman's voice out as he stares at the footage of Maddie; the hair he would ruffle and tug so often has now been severed to her chin; the blonde now a dark shade of brunette. It suits her, anything would suit her but it still surprises him nonetheless. Mathew is dressed for the heat in shorts, a plain white top and converse, for once he is asleep and leans his face against that of his mother's. In one particular shot she stares directly into the camera; he feels penetrated by her eyes; the dead orbs stare back at him and he inhales deeply; he should go to her, she hasn't had the support from him that she needs. She looks pretty much defeated; he hits pause on the TV crossing the room and idly tracing her face and the kids; the black and red leaves a trail along their faces; he promised her he would keep in touch and so far he hasn't kept up his part of the deal. He switches over the TV he raise son eyebrow when yet another member of the Wayne family take up more news time; this time it's Bruce. He goes to switch over until he sees the cuts on Wayne's face.
"Speed, Bozo!" The shuffling from the next room moves closer to his and Bozo then Speed walk in; sleeves rolled up and various oil stains cover them. He stands with his back to the TV; arms crossed behind his back, rocking on the heels of his feet.
"Brucey Wayne; I want you both to find out whatever you can about him; what else he does, what he does to get such...interesting marks on his face. I wanna know everything there is to know about Brucey, got it?"
"Sure boss we'll get right on it, can't you er ask Maddie?" He smirks at Bozo's question, resisting the urge to roll his eyes; "She's private when it comes to her brother, what I want to know, what I think I know she won't tell me."
"Sure thing boss," he nods to Speed and then Bozo, watching them leave, he turns and fumbles with his jacket, he needs to make the effort with her; he needs to or he'll turn his back and that other cop will slime his way in...not good.
Maddie's POV
He leaves quickly, quicker than he ever has done; he left me all alone standing in my wedding dress looking every inch the jilted bride. I snort and I suddenly realise how much I hated the idea of this dress; I would have settled for something less heavy; the beads weigh me down and rub against my skin; the last time I wore it I had two cuts either side of my hips. I grab my scissors once more and starting from the bottom I cut the dress; it's beautiful it really is but I don't want it here; I've never seen it in my wardrobe before now. I resist cutting the top, I look down not even registering the blood on the dress.
"Maddie?"
Jane stands half in and half out of my door; tuning and stooping slightly to Riana; "Sweetie you go downstairs and see Alfred ok? Mommy and Auntie Maddie will be down in a minute." The little girl turns and goes; holding tight onto her dolly.
"Well this is one way of getting rid of a wedding dress," I laugh at her humour, placing the scissors in her outstretched hands.
"Come on let's help you out of this," she handles me gently; like she would do Riana; easing the dress up over my head; I shiver when the cold hits me; wrapping my arms around my body.
She tugs a shirt over my head; and I step into some sweats; she sits me in my seat in front of the mirror; taking a brush in her hands; I tilt my head back at her gentle strokes; "You always had such lovely hair Maddie; all soft and sleek like a race horse's mane." I wince as my hand hits the fresh cuts on my thigh. "I'll take a look at those for you Mads, just pull them down a bit and I'll look at them, I don't want them getting infected."
She dabs some ointment onto the cuts, I wince and curse under my breath; "Not that I'm complaining but why are you here?"
"Oh yeah, the Chief was talking to me and he wants you to get ready for a surgery, this guy has finally moved up on the donor list and he wanted you to be the one to do it. Came all the way from New York for you as well, you sure you'll be ok?"
"Seriously all the way from New York? Hell yeah I'm ready! I've gotta do something with my interns instead of hanging around the clinic and treating people with hangovers or whatever."
"Good you can tell him tomorrow when you're in, that Chris guy from you're interns is still asking to study with you, he seems keen on your speciality, couldn't have care less about mine today."
I laugh and think; I need these surgery, I need to show everyone I can still do my job; that I've still got it. I know people would kill for my position at the hospital and the perks of my job; I need to remind the Chief why he hired me.
Helena's POV
"You put the dress in her wardrobe, she er find it?" She nods at the man, pouring both of them a vodka.
"Yes I saw her when I went to the Manor, she was talking to James I presume, she said about killing him, you were right. What do you have planned for her next?"
He doesn't answer her; she doesn't see the flash of joy at her clear pleasure of her naivety; "How is her behaviour? Anything happening yet, any freak outs or whatever?"
"I presume so; Bruce and Alfred appear worried about her; its working all of its working." She eyes him like he is some kind of God, some God she is more than willing to bow to.
"Good get more proof if you can; wind her up some more ok? She'll get worse soon before she can get better. Here take this, give it to her when you can."
He throws the packaging at her and leaves; leaving a trail of cheap aftershave in his wake. She never questions his intentions; he needs her as much as she needs him; there need not be questions. She heaves herself up off the couch; unlocking James' bedroom door and stepping into it. The once bare walls are now covered in pictures of James; newspaper clippings of him; his arrests and reports on his death, even his obituary. She picks up the black framed photo frame that still holds the picture of James and Madeline at their engagement party;
"I'm doing this all for you, you and your son." She holds the package tightly in her aching hands; the next step of the plan will start soon.
Oooh what's the plan? Well you'll find out soon, I know there was a lack of Joker/Maddie lately but there will be in the next one...promise! I'll hopefully have another chapter out soon as I'll be visiting my dad soon so I'll be away from my computer. Thanks for all the reviews/alerts and favourites; you guys deserve an award! It never fails to amaze and delight me when I open my email and find your reviews or PM's or even that someone has added me to alerts or favourites. Thanks!
Feels-Like-Paradise.