God I've been slow with this; I've no excuses I've just had zero motivation and have been staring blankly at a computer screen for a while...well it wasn't always blank sometimes I did write on it...then deleted it. Thank you to those who are still reviewing and my god the amount of people who have added both my stories to their favourites list! I could literally not believe it! Thank you all so much you guys are my inspiration!

Chapter 14: Inside I'm Screaming.

I once heard that character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trail and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. We're supposed to suffer because if we don't how can we go through life without learning? How can we be strong and learn to defend ourselves and know whats right and wrong without being tested? Maybe that's what life is; one big test and when we die and you've suffered, you've been hurt, your heart stomped on and nearly destroyed, then you know you've passed your test. You've survived the worst this world can throw at you and you lived; you're still standing. Character isn't something you were born with and can't change; it's not like your fingerprints or your DNA. It's something you grew up with and adapted to; that's stitched on you and you carry around with and must take responsibility for forming. We can be who we want to be, act how we want, desire things we want, make mistakes as we choose and learn from them. Hard times are a test to help us become stronger; it shows us we can be strong even when we think we are worthless. We all, everyone one of us in the world, needs to be tested, needs to prove themselves.

Maddie's POV

"So how was your night apart from the disappearing for half an hour and leaving me small talking to Stephen?"

I roll my eyes and dig my spoon into my cereal; holding up my hand to signal my full mouth; "It was good thanks yeah and I already told you I saw some nurse from the hospital so I stopped to talk to her for a while. And I really don't think I need to ask how your night went."

I gesture with my spoon to the love bite on his neck; he coughs and pulls his collar up, hiding it from view, he smiles sheepishly at me. "Which nurse, the hot one I saw the last time?"

"Bruce! I can't believe you said that!" I think for a moment and he waits for me to continue; "yeah it probably was to be fair, though I'm thinking all the women in your life just look the same now don't they?"

He flicks a spoonful of milk at me and I splutter as it goes down my top; Mat shrieks with laughter while I root down my top; cursing and flicking the cornflakes off me.

"Real mature Bruce, didn't you start doing that when you were like ten? And kept getting told off for it?"

He reaches for my spoon and grabs the bowl; feeding himself and then offering me the spoon. We sit in silence; the only noise comes from Mathew who repeatedly tries to roll over; getting only halfway before he can go no further. I focus on his face; the look of concentration; the way his tongue sticks out and licks his lips.

Bruce's voice breaks me out of my haze and I frown at him, he scowls "I said Helena hasn't been around much has she? Before we couldn't get rid of her and now she's hardly ever around, not that I'm complaining but I was talking to Rose and she said there's a guy who comes round loads, weird looking guy she says, doesn't look like the type Helena usually hangs with."

"I don't know Bruce, she hasn't said anything and to be honest I really don't care about her sex life...that's just something I don't even wanna think about let alone know that it's happening."

Bruce chokes on a mouthful of cereal and grins at Mat; "To think Mattie, grandma is having more sex than mommy; you know times are hard when that happens!"

I swipe at Bruce's arm; Mat crowing with laughter; "I can't believe you Bruce! I could be having sex thank you, I could have had sex last night for all you know!"

He looks at me; edging further away from any more of my hits; "Yeah but did you? I mean the only person you were alone with was me or that hot nurse...and I really don't wanna think about that. I mean a little doctor /nurse action is all good but when it involves my sister; it just ruins the whole fantasy."

I stand up and gather Mat into my arms; he instantly brings his fingers to my hair and curls them tightly into a fist; "I've said it before Bruce and I'll say it again we now all know why you're single...or maybe you're the guy Helena is seeing? Yeah it all makes sense now, the constant talking about her; yeah I'd say you're hooked." I

ts Bruce's turn now to splutter and stutter, vehemently denying any knowledge and muttering something about 'old lady sex' and 'gross to even think about'. I start to rummage through my closet for clothes for today, I'm still preparing for my surgery and I need to pack up the last of my stuff from the penthouse; it's not gone on the market yet and by the prices the agent has given me it's gonna be empty for a while yet.

"Last night was weird..." I groan and pull my head out of the closet; stepping over Mat and avoiding his toys; he freaked the last time Alfred accidently trod on his bear; he just would NOT stop for ten minutes.

"What was weird? Did you say something to Stephen, did you freak him out?" Bruce stretches on the bed and pauses from flicking through the channels; over a hundred channels and there is still nothing on.

"Relax I said nothing to lover boy; your relationship is safe...But yeah I mean I went out last night, just checking everything was ok and I came across one of the Joker's guys," I panic; my eyes dart from Mat to Bruce; "Did anything happen, are you ok? Did you see him there?"

"See that's what was weird, he wasn't there, no one else was there just me and this guy and I know he was one of the Joker's guys with the clown mask but he took a few hits at me; I started back at him and then he just upped and left. It's like he knew where he was hitting me and he had a reason for hitting me there; it wasn't anywhere designed to especially hurt, that's whats confusing me. Alfred told me to watch myself and keep Gordon informed."

"Weird," I echo Bruce's words; nothing from last night gave anything away as to what Jack has been planning, I'm in the dark as much as Bruce is.

"Yeah would be good if I had some way of getting in touch with him or someone who knew him..." I can feel his dark eyes studying me as I stare at the TV; the shapes have no meaning to me, just blurs.

"It's a shame that you don't then isn't it? You could always ask Gordon to get some undercover guy in there, that is if the... Joker doesn't figure him out."

I try to keep my voice neutral as possible I really do, but I know it's gone up a few levels and I sound like I've been sucking on helium. Bruce shrugs his broad shoulders, going in for a sip of my coffee his lips curling in disgust at the coldness; "I don't know what we're gonna do, he has been quiet for now but I still don't trust him. You still going to the apartment today?"

I nod, considering, "Yeah for a couple of hours, I'm taking Mat with me then I might see Jane today, it depends if her mom's having Riana or not."

"Riana can come here you know, I mean sure last time she did colour in part of the white wall because it looked too boring but I suppose we gotta get use to it with Mattie boy in there."

I step back into my closet and pull off my top; "We have to get use to it? I didn't freak and claim my wallpaper was ruined! And who was it who asked how long it would take Riana to pay you back?"

"The wallpaper was bloody ruined! And I calmed down..."

I finish dressing and pick Mat's clothes up; "Bloody? God Bruce you hang around Alfred too much might be time to find some new friends! Oh and you only cheered up when Jane walked in with a new dress on and you thought all your birthdays' had come at once."

He sits up and takes Mat; wrapping his arms round his middle; "It was designer! I was admiring the design label, besides I keep my hands to myself when it comes to Jane. I have done since you got drunk and threatened to really, really kill me, proper kill me if I touched her."

I struggle with the squirming baby, blowing my hair out of my face and tucking whats left of it behind my ear; "You were scared of me Bruce? There's barely anything on me, I barely reach your shoulders and you're a superhero."

Bruce pokes me in the side, causing me to laugh and squirm out of his way; "Yeah but you had a fork in your hand at the time that was getting closer to my eye, I thought I'd take notice of that."

I laugh at the memory of it; life seems to be getting better, I've not seen James and it seems to be slowly getting better. But I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch, I'm not being cocky that everything will be ok; I'm just praying it will be.

"I'm gonna go and get dressed, I got some meetings I need to do and then me and Alfred need to get to work on the car. You take care ok? I'll give you a lift if you hurry" He reaches down and kisses my cheek, nudging Mat's cheek with his finger. "Bye Bruce, thank god he left huh?"

Speed's POV

Take pictures; get back to boss, pictures, then boss. Ever since Bozo had dropped him off he had been repeating the Bosses two orders to himself not wanting to let any detail slip. He wanted to make the boss proud, he hadn't been given much work lately and he wanted to impress, he's slower than the others; he knows that, his only use is his build, he has no brain (well, from what some of the guys say) and he can't even turn a computer on let alone figure one out. He snaps the camera when Wayne comes into view resisting the urge to wave at Maddie and go and see the baby; he hasn't seen him properly, the boss has pictures sure, but even then he only found out about them by accident so he can't tell the boss he'd seen them. And the boss doesn't really like them reading newspapers, 'puts ideas into some of these dicks heads' he once told him and Bozo, long before he kidnapped Maddie. Bozo had nodded and said something in agreement, Speed hadn't at the time understood but had muttered something before continuing with his cutting out; he liked to make sure the edges were straight and neat, the boss liked things to be good and done properly. Some of the other guys had already questioned the boss' interest in Maddie; that soon stopped when he had slit some guy's throat for commenting on some outfit Maddie had been wearing. The truth was the boss had been after her for some time; whenever she was on the TV he stopped what he was doing to stare at her, as though learning every trace of her. He had studied her intently, started to want to know her schedule, he hadn't know what schedule meant until Bozo had told him; then it was up to him and Speed to follow her. After a week they handed everything over; all those pictures, everything to the Boss and he had held them like they were solid gold, or at least his favourite knife. Then he had gone into his room, settled himself down in his chair, kicked off his shoes, put up his feet and read, he read them all night, paying no attention to him or Bozo, or anything happening around him. The only sound from him was the cracking of his knuckles or other body part or the scratching of his pen. Maddie was his new project, his new interest, his new vision of chaos.

Things hadn't started so well, he said he wanted to break her, 'break her break Gotham boys' he had reminded them. The others had laughed, interested to see what he would do, they even pressed their ears to the walls to hear if he was raping her; their tongues hanging out in their sick pleasure. They waited; nothing happened, some started getting bored, pushing themselves off from the walls they gave up and lit up cigarettes instead; starting their card games. But he and Bozo had waited at the bottom of the stairs, always on hand if the boss needed them. He had walked out of the room smiling, the camera in his hand, traces of his makeup gone from sweating and excitement. He was giddy for the remainder of the night; the TV switched on for the public's reaction; it didn't take long, the city in chaos, the cop terrified, pleading pathetically for his fiancés return. Oh how the boss had laughed, his head thrown back, tears of laughter pouring down his face, he had howled in excitement, talking about his 'pretty Gotham princess', winding the headband she had been wearing round his knuckles repeatedly; inhaling the scent ever so often. The next few days they barely saw him; he fed her, looked after her, talked to her; as though she was his guest and he was the eager host, desperate to please her. One day they heard raised voices, the boss throwing things around, Maddie's terrified cries; they had all rushed to their feet; the lucky ones having pressed themselves against the wall for front row seats; digging each other in the sides, gleefully exclaiming that 'the blonde bitch was gonna get it good.' They didn't know what had happened, the boss never said but as soon as it started it was over. Dwayne had told him and Bozo that he had seen them together in the bathroom, that the boss was holding her to him; him so tall and Maddie so small, that they looked so comfortable yet so wrong, that the boss had gone for him, dived into those pockets and one word from Maddie had stalled him, how he was so transfixed by her that he had barely acknowledge Dwayne. A change had come over the boss, he was aware of it and hated it, killed some guy just out of pure fun, he breathed heavily afterwards and dipped his fingers in the guys blood, his laughter manic. He remembered asking Bozo what had happened why the boss was so different, why he barely talked to any of them, his timed so consumed by Maddie. Bozo had smiled and said that 'he was just learning more about her' that he was 'interested in her and when something interests you, when it's so different from what you're use to, you just can't ignore it.' The boss slowly allowed him, Bozo and Dwayne to talk to Maddie, they were the only one he could trust, he had slapped them on the backs and told them to 'take care of his gal'. She was funny, they could all see why he liked her so much, why he allowed her into his life, she didn't treat him any different, he knew he wasn't the cleverest guy, but she talked to him all the same, an equal...a friend.

Then everything went wrong; Dwayne died and the boss shut himself off from everyone; he let no one if he could help it near Maddie, everyone was on edge, no one dared move, no one dared breathe. The cop came not long after they moved house; the boss dealt with him quickly; he had to leave Maddie behind, leave his baby behind, the baby Maddie had just dropped on him right when he was leaving. Now the boss wasn't just interested in Maddie; he wanted to focus on Bruce Wayne; he wasn't on the turn, he was up to something and when the boss had an idea it was best just to say yes and get on with it. So that's why he's here, hiding in alley ways and in cars trying to blend in; him a six foot something monster trying to be discreet. Don't wave to Maddie...don't look at baby...don't do anything stupid...The camera snaps shut, Maddie's hair flashes brown and she is gone.

Maddie's POV

I try to ignore him, I really do, I try so hard to pretend his not there; to look at Mat to talk to Bruce, look anywhere but at his face, but I can't...I whisper a constant mantra under my breath instead 'please go away, please not here, please leave me alone'. After a while the words get mixed up, my voice slows down, I'm tired, so tired, how did it come down to this; how the hell did I end up here? I use to be successful you know; I use to be driven, have some sense about me, some practicality, I knew right and wrong, my schedule was safe; I did things a certain way every day; I went food shopping on Fridays, I did chores on Sundays, I worked every other day, every hour God sent just to have some normality; just to get away from him, from the life he built us. And now even dead he's still here, still taunting me, just making me look crazy this time. And that's what I am, I'm crazy, just one flipped out crazy stupid bitch who lets everyone control her, even a dead guy.

"I'm just gonna be a few minutes ok? Then I'll be back and drop you off at the penthouse then I'll pick you up later, we really need to find your proper car keys and everything...have you found them yet?"

I look to James, he holds them in his hands, my office key swings in front of me, leading me into a trance; "Maddie!" "No...not yet," I go to reach for them, my fingers curl around the keys and then they're gone; James smiles and blows me a kiss.

I turn to face Bruce, my hair loose fails in my face; "You, you take your time, we'll be fine." He nods and taps on the car roof, slamming the door.

"I said goodbye. I burnt the picture that keeps coming back to me, but you're still here! I did everything I could think of to make you go away! I just...I don't know what to do anymore!" I break down, I can't help it, he's here and I'm scared, I'm sad and I'm scared.

He leans forward; patting my leg, I flinch as he touches the bare skin; "Yeah, thanks for that, by the way, I looked damn good in that picture, my first picture as a cop and you've burnt it."

I bite irritably on my nails, my eyes firm on Mat, his face is the picture of confusion, his neck straining to see who I'm talking to; "you always took good pictures stop saying that you didn't, there was never one you didn't look good in."

He smiles, wafting his hand in my face, clicking his fingers; "I'm over here, start paying attention."

"This isn't real, is it? It's just one big joke and I'm just gonna close my eyes because it's like that moment in the morning when you first wake up and you're still half asleep and everything seems...weird and not right and that you're still dreaming even if you see pigs flying past your window that things are possible, dreams feel true and anything is possible even this. And that for that one moment before waking up everything just seems so real, I can touch you, really touch you and your real, you're not dead, you're here with me and I didn't kill you and you didn't die and leave me alone...But then the sun hits you and you wake up and everything becomes clear..."

He looks at me, his fingertips brushing my hair; "Why do you think you're alone?" Always cut straight to the point my James.

"Because, I never see Jack, I can't handle staying alone with my baby, I'm falling apart and I'm scared I won't make it. I'm scared I'll wake up and I'm dead and I'm stood next to you and you've won and I'm not sure I can survive this type of pain. I though death ended life but this..." I gesture between us, "This is going on forever and I don't see the end...I really don't."

He leans back, groaning as he does so, "I came here today to generally freak you out, spook you a bit, demand that the next time he comes near you, you threaten to kill him, but instead you do this and I've got no choice but to help you. Cause of I don't I'll only be back tomorrow and you'll still be all sad looking at me with bambi eyes which you know I can't stand; remember I even gave you a little tap last time you decided to pull that shit on me."

I look at him, my expression saying it all; "A little tap? You cut my eyebrow open, I had to have three stitches and I blamed a crazy homeless guy who doesn't exist. How can you say it so casually? The things that you did, what you said? I never got that."

He observes me and slowly, almost like talking to a child who needs to understand the rules; "Cause I can, cause I could and cause I wanted to...you were pretty fun; Jane when we dated was so boring in fact we didn't even date it was a week long fuck fest and look how that ended. No you, you were good, I saw something in you and I wanted it. What you gonna do Mads, kill me?" I take it in, frozen in this too big car, in my black clothing, my arms tightly wrapped across my chest in an invisible strait-jacket, my heart beating rapidly, legs tensely crossed as I ask myself once again; how the hell did this happen?

A/N

Ok as it ended slightly on a loose end I'm gonna try my hardest to have this next one out really, really soon. Promise. Once again thank you to those who have remained sticking by the pain in the arse that is me... now I've gotta be off to once again try and un stick my computer keys; there was an incident with a glass of wine...and later on chocolate...and sweet and sour sauce. Let's just say my laptop has taken a battering and needs my nursing. Until later!

Much love

Feels-Like-Paradise