I have an announcement to make...Joker drum roll please... after only 14 or so chapters in I've had 101 reviews exactly already! My last story ended on 106 reviews and this story is nowhere near finished. I'm so thankful to you all, everyone who has reviewed, added to their alerts, their favourites...I think a Joker party is what you all deserve! I'll be breaking out the tequila and crap food tonight to celebrate! This new chapter I brought back a much wanted face...no not Helena I thought you all needed a break...I promise! Thank you once again and give yourselves a pat on the back from me! You've made me one extremely happy, excited writer. Now I've rambled too much so on with the story! I brought this all out early as a treat for you all! Bon appetite!
Chapter 15: Notice Me, Hear My Cries.
I'd have lived being on my own; without a guy without the problems men and relationships bring, Bruce has always said I would be happy being one of those rich, eccentric old ladies. People always laughed when I said this; would tell me what a waste it would be and when I met James they told me I would soon be eating my words. It's not like I would have been happy alone, but what I never said to Bruce or any of them was that I was scared; what happens when it all falls apart and you're left there crying into a bowl of Ben and Jerry's surrounded by your girlfriends and snotty tissues. I'd have still stayed on my own if things with James had worked out differently; if he just left one day and never came back, I would have left it at that, nursed my wounds and gotten on with life; climb the career ladder and drove home laughing in my car. But things never go the way we plan, why do plans even exist if they rarely work out? Have you ever been in love? On one hand it' so beautiful but on the other it's so horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other person, wanders into your life... Sometimes by accident but sometimes they seek you out; they go out of their way to be near you, to talk to you, to do anything to make you laugh, make you smile, make you feel things. Then you notice the changes; small at first but believe me they're there. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, or just look at you, look at you in a way that's comforting yet freaks you out at the same time...its tender, it's warm...its love. And then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages; it can sometimes be a one side thing; then what do you do? Sit there and stalk the poor guys every actions, just because he didn't return your love? Because he didn't see in you what you see in him? It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter tearing holes into your heart. It hurts. It's painful. Its yearning. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love...ok I hated love.
Hours later I've still not moved or have done any work; I lie on my back, wide awake, my fists clenched by my side, staring up at the ceiling, laying immobile on the bed. Through the walls, the noise sounds loudly; something slams again, in to the wall, against it? Either way it's impossible to block out; my heart beats rapidly as I sit up; Mat lies asleep, spread eagled in a travel cot against the wall; a smile small playing on his lips, the occasional laugh escapes his lips. After waiting a few seconds, seconds that feel like hours, I swallow hard and take a few steps to the doorway, following the crack of light beaming from its edges. The living room is deserted, that much I'm sure of and when I think I've imagined it, that it was just noise from outside, the sharp sounds from the bathroom echo my panic and amplify my fear. I urge myself forward; silently moving towards the sound; my body pressed into the length of the wall like a cat burglar. Again I swallow hard, trying to dislodge the fear from my throat. My heartbeat now pulsates in my ears; I curse myself for not bringing at least a weapon with me, or at least something to defend myself with. Maybe I should just go back to my room, back to my room, get Mat and just run...what if that's what they wanted? Separate me from Mat? This is stupid I'm going back to my room.
After several seconds of silence; I pluck up the courage, my hand extends towards the door handle and I push it down; my head peeks around the corner and in through the doorway of the adjacent room. I could almost pass out from relief; relief at the familiar purple trench coat, the tattered brown shoes, the wild hair.
"Jack?" His back cracks as he leans up from the sink, dirty water sloshes everywhere and he grins widely at me, teeth bared.
"Hey there doll! Sorry to drop in on you like this but I thought it was time to check in. Gotta keep the missus happy and all."
I raise an eyebrow at his current state; the wilder than usual hair; the shirt un-tucked from his trousers, the waistcoat hazardly done up.
"How did you know I'd be here? You almost killed me I thought someone was in here!"
Someone...more like James, more like the monster in my dreams, my nightmares that never goes away no matter how hard I pray and plead for forgiveness. He grins, flicking the water from his hands, grabbing hold of a towel and patting his neck and bare face dry.
"Sorry about that, I got here before you, got fed up of waiting on Wayne to finish up, so I thought I'd come on ahead. Besides if anyone had been here before me I'd have taken care of them for you doll...is the er kid here?"
He's talking so fast even he is tripping over the words and thoughts pouring out of his mouth; he's excited about something, something has happened that I'll only find about on the five o'clock news. I walk over to him, taking the towel and dabbing his skin, more careful than he was doing previously. He nods at me, impatient for my answer, "Yeah I have actually, he's asleep in the bedroom, I could go and get him if you want? He needs to wake up now, his already been asleep too long."
He nods eagerly, tiny flecks of water fall from him to me, he grins boyishly at my face as I swipe away some of the excess water; "Sorry doll, I'll finish cleaning up in here."
I pick up Mat, holding him close as he sleepily rubs his eyes, his head shoots up at the noise from the bathroom, no matter where he is Jack can never be quiet and Mat will always take notice. With our back to us Jack quickly re apply his paint; the effect is quite entrancing, the black making his eyes bolder, the white paint so different to the olive tint in his skin. His eyes follow us in the mirror; taking in Mat's growth, his curls so like his, his tongue once again traces his lips like his father constantly does. The water is still in the basin and Mat reaches for it; I lower him gently to it, Jack watching, confused, not use to his behaviour. He smiles as we watch Mat splash in the water; his laugh echoes through the almost empty bathroom, Jack reaches towards him, looking to me for my permission. I nod and he strokes Mat's hand, Mat reacts and turns; I bit my lip as Mat reaches up to Jack's face; Jack naturally recoils, water splashing over us all, he remains undeterred, he reaches up again; his fingers trace his father's face, the marks he leaves behind look like tear tracks on Jack's face, the red slightly faded on his most jagged scar. I stand transfixed at the scene unfolding in front of me as Mat puts his hands up, grasping for Jack.
"What..." Jack clears his throat, nervously fingering his collar, "What does he want?" I laugh at his tone, you would have thought I was handing him a piranha.
"He wants you to hold him, you can if you want?" Without answering he sighs deeply, holding his hands out awkwardly towards his son, Mat dives eagerly into his arms, once again reaching up to his face, wanting nothing more than to play with his new toy.
I stand behind Jack; stilling his neck movements as Mat touches his face, I'm actually surprised he's even letting him slightly touch him, he still gets nervous around me when I touch his scars, I get the feeling that even I shouldn't be allowed to touch him there; like it's forbidden. I watch as he smiles slowly; bringing his hand up to touch Mat's; their fingers curl together and Mat's head falls against his father's, Jack's other hand grips Mat's curls, inhaling his scent. I feel like I'm intruding on their moment just by being here, I have all the moments in the world with Mat alone, Jack always has me around when Mat's with me.
"His gotten bigger, I remember holding him when he was born, he was so small back then, kinda like my gun," I laugh, Mat's head shoots up and he grins at us both; our mix matched family.
"He's strong, his like his dad," I stress the word 'dad' heavily; I want him to know I think of him as Mat's dad.
Jack lifts his hand up, Mat mimics him; resting his hand against his father's their differences highlighted when Mat's hand barely makes an impact on Jack's larger hand. I stroke a wet curl off Mat's face, he frowns and clings closer to Jack; only met him a few times and already he doesn't want to let him go.
"You're good with him, he still doesn't settle right with some people it's only really me, Bruce and Alfred. He even freaks out near Jane and Riana and they're always round him."
Jack laughs, pride etched on his face, "Is that so huh kid? Weird that, especially when my old man was about as nurturing as a steak knife."
I'm unsure whether or not to laugh; his brought up his mother before and always speaks highly of her, his dad? No, everyone's heard the stories of his scars and how he always says he hates his father, I'm not going to press his buttons in that area. I'm too busy watching father and son to notice Jack's stare on me; I raise my eyes to meet his and lean up; our lips graze softly and for once Mat stills in his actions.
"I've missed this..." he looks at me, as though expecting me to carry on, "Me and you, I've missed this, seeing you and not being with you every day it's something I still can't get use to."
"We never got the chance did we? We couldn't love each other in my world and we couldn't love each other in your world. I take you to my place and I you could get kill; I come into your world and your brother's more likely to bitch slap me all the way to Arkham than serve me dinner."
I could almost cry at the unfairness of it all; I hate this, we're under each other's skin and nothing is shifting, other people get to love who they want, they get to go out and act like a normal family, me? I have to hide my family away from prying eyes, like I'm ashamed or something. Jack makes a noise of disgust and I look down; Mat is slowly chewing on Jack's shirt, the drool covering the best part of his cuff. I laugh and dab at the mess; Jack holding Mat at arm's length as though guessing what he will do next.
"He er makes a lot of mess I take it?"
I roll my eyes, talk about pot meet kettle; "SO? He's acting no different to his father."
Jack grins; part of his lips showing and I wipe the other side gently, kissing his lips gently, nuzzling my cheek against his. He mutters something into my neck and I pull away, he groans at the loss of contact.
"I said what are you doing here? Now bring yourself back over here." He mentions with his finger and I laugh, wrapping my arms around him and Mat.
"I need to pack up the last of my things before this place goes up for sale, I didn't want to leave anything here."
He nods and settling one last kiss on my forehead he pulls away; "Come on then doll, I may as well make myself useful while I'm here."
I follow him through the living room; both his and Mat's eyes are the size of sauces as they look around; "So how much is a place like this worth?"
"Oh you know about a million or just over, Bruce gave me it before I got engaged, Jane lived with me for a while."
He nods, ignoring the part about my engagement and instead puts Mat down in his cot; his bottom lip sticks out as he threatens to cry; Jack moves away holding up his hands; I reach into my bag and pull out some of his toys and move his teddy closer to him; the panic for now is over. Jack spreads his arms out wide; "Where do we start then doll? You could fit the whole of my hideout in this place."
I laugh at the exaggeration and pull a box out, I through it at him and naturally he catches...with one hand of course. We work in silence for a few moments; until I see him stop; his shoulders hunch and his breathing heavy.
"Jack?"
I put my hand on his shoulder and he spins round; holding tightly onto a photo frame. I prise it out of his hand; ignoring his dark look. It's an old photo; that much is clear; I look younger, Jack can see that yet it's not me he's pissed about; it's James. One of his hands holds my face whilst the other is out of sight; my head is tilted back; a woollen hat pulled tight around me; gloves on both our hands.
"It's an old photo, I've got others around here as well that you'll find."
He stares at the photo, "Huh..."
He moves around me and walks out of the room, I curse silently, aware of Mat's accusing eyes on me. I run my hands through my hair; unsure of my next move, Jack saves me any bother when he strolls back into the room; the large bin tossed effortlessly over his shoulder.
"What are you doing?" He ignores me and slams the bin down, Mat jumps and nervously giggles, jack shoots him a reassuring glance.
I stand still as I watch Jack toss the photo into the bin; the only sound is the glass shattering. He picks up another and gestures for me to go nearer; "Here take this, I don't see much point in you keeping them...unless of course you want to?"
I smile at his hesitation; despite his relaxed nature he does still worry about some stuff. I take the frame out of his hand and following his slapping gesture I throw it into the bin, laughing in relief as the glass shatters, splintering across James' face.
"See, isn't this better? You want a fresh start here it is doll."
He throws me another frame and we both toss two in at once, until at last they're all gone, I turn to him smiling; "That was actually fun," he laughs and bows to me.
Before he can act I cross the room to him; kissing him fiercely; he stumbles not expecting my actions and we both crash onto the bed; me on top.
"Big bad Joker caught off guard, I never thought I'd live to see the day!" He laughs and nips at my lip; shocking me as he rolls us over, in control as always. "Who's laughing now Maddie?" his voice is deep and husky, it sends chills through me. We kiss again and he sends a hand out to my side; pushing himself closer, we break apart when his phone rings.
"Ignore it," I whisper, kissing him again. The phone rings off then instantly rings again, he looks at me and groans, rolling off me and pulling his cell out.
"What?"
I sit up, pulling my knees to my chest, watching him; "Yeah I'll be there as soon as I can, dumb fucker probably got himself lost or something." He ends the call and turns to me, most of his makeup gone.
"Something's happened with Speed, Bozo's freaking out, I told him his probably just late, he takes his time, always takes his time."
Jack doesn't seem bothered so I relax; Speed is his guy, his friend he should know when to be worried. He pulls his coat on; crossing the room to Mat he bends down and ruffles his hair; muttering some unheard words. He straightens up and sits on the edge of the bed; pulling my knees down so my legs lay flat; he caresses my skin gently as though expecting tears.
"I'm sorry ok, I wouldn't normally do this but I need to check things out. Will you be here later?"
I shake my head, "No, I'm pretty much done, thanks anyway Jack. You have things you have to do and I understand. I'll see you soon?"
He nods, biting on his lip; "Look I don't know if you're doing some silent treatment, pissed off woman thing but I do wanna stay and I will see you again doll..." he looks back at Mat; "Both of you, ok?"
I laugh and nod kissing him for the last time; he stands and grabs a fallen knife; winking at me. "What will happen when Mat's older? How will you be able to see him then?"
He stops and turns to me, his eyes sad; "We won't. He'll freak and run away and you...you'll be married to your new cop with another three kids and a big dog."
Thinking I have no reply he moves; I practically throw myself off the bed to reach him; I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hold them their; he stops and leans back.
"I don't want that, I don't want Stephen, I admit I like him ok, he's a good looking guy and I would be crazy...crazier not to notice..." he goes to pull away, the muscle working in his jaw, "But he isn't and never will be you, he could never give me what you give me or do any of the things you've done for me."
"What are you doing to me? You stop me from killing my men and trust me some of them deserve it, I'm not doing half the things I want to do, I can't think about nothing but you and the kid it's a distraction that I don't need... but it's something I crave. What are you doing to me?" He asks this last part seemingly to himself, his face still hidden from my view.
"It's because I love you," I trace his jaw, caressing his adam's apple, "and you love me."
He nods, kissing my fingers, his phone sounds again and he grunts in acknowledgement. "You should go, I'll be fine here."
He turns to me; waggling his fingers before leaving, his coat billowing behind him, then he's gone. I wrap my arms around myself; cold at the sudden chill, like the loss of his presence has drained all the heat, all the energy out of the room. I laugh when I hear the knock at the door; I pick Mat up, taking him with me.
"I think daddy may have come back, should we go and see baby?"
"Jack I thought you said you had to leave?"
"Hello Maddie," I stop in my tracks and smile; Karen hovers nervously in the massive hall; looking a mere speck.
"Hi Karen, how are you? Come in don't let me make you stay out there. How are you doing since Mac?"
I invite her in and put the lock on the door; showing her the way to the sofa; she sits down and leans towards me; taking Mat's hand and smiling at him, Mat in a seemingly good mood smiles back.
"I'm really well thanks, we had the funeral, we didn't invite many people, it was a simple ceremony, we had him cremated and well that was it, he's currently hanging out in my top drawer, I have no idea what to do with him."
I laugh, feeling guilty at my absence "I'm sorry I couldn't be there for it, if you would have said I would have gone with you if you needed me."
She holds her hands up to stop me, "We both know people hated him, I wasn't going to invite you when you have your own problems. My mother looked after the kids and I took them to the beach afterwards, they don't seem to miss him, they don't ask questions so I'm happy if they're happy."
I look at her, this selfless woman, who deserves so much more than the crap she's had thrown at her and I could almost laugh, my problems seem small in comparison.
"How are the kids?" She smiles, her face brightening; "They're doing so good, if I knew this is how they would be I would have taken a hit out on him. They smile, they laugh, they make as much noise as they want and I never get tired of it; I love it. Billy he's talking more, his come on so far, I'm proud of all of them, they're finally coming into their own and I'm so glad."
"I'm glad, I really am, I know this sounds bad but he deserved it and you all deserve to be happy and now look at you, you look great."
She pats her newly cut hair and smiles; "We're moving out of the Narrows, for being such a dick he had money so we're gonna stay with my mom while we find a new place, the girls want separate bedrooms so that's something I gotta look into. I'm sorry about James' ceremony, I should have said something before but I didn't want to bring it up."
At the mention of his name I expect him to appear; I look around, for now he is kept at bay. "It's fine, I got by, I've got Bruce and Alfred and Mattie here," I jingle my leg and he laughs, clapping his hands.
"Was he the one?" I frown, not understanding where this is leading.
"Was he the one who hurt you? Who caused you to know and understand my pain? If he was I'm glad, I'm glad they're both dead and you should be too, at least our children can have a life without fear."
"But what if it was better if he was here?"
She smiles and nods to Mat, "Then he wouldn't be this happy little boy, he would have picked up on his anger and your fear and he wouldn't be like this. You don't need him here; you're doing a great job."
I look down at Mat, he senses my look and leans back, smiling at me, I trace his hairline and he leans into me, sighing happily.
"See, you look at him and tell me his not better off without James?"
I nod, mustering a smile, "I need to get back anyway! You're busy and my mother is probably threatening to cut the kids out of her will."
We walk to the door and she turns and roots through her bag before handing me some paper; "This is my mother's place, just incase you want to keep in touch, go for a coffee or whatever."
"That'll be good, I'm free pretty much most of the time, I don't do the shifts I use to at the hospital so I got a lot of time on my hands, but I'd love that. You have my number right?"
She nods and exhales; "I'm gonna make my kids proud Maddie, we both are."
I smile, I can't help it; her positivity is welcoming; I wave her off and she enters the glass lift, I step back in the place I once call home and smile, looking around at the large space; even with me, James and Mat here there would still be plenty of space. I loved it to begin with but now it's cold and way too big, way to empty...it needs energy and love.
"She may be making her kids proud but how will you with Mat?"
I look at him; in my space, my life, my home, it was never his it was always mine. "I'm trying to, I'm getting my job back on track, I'm feeling better, I'm starting to..."
"Shut up, all I'm hearing is your excuses; you can't make him proud, you couldn't make me proud and obviously I'm a pretty easy guy to please."
You disgust me. Shut up, just shut up.
"You've always been a disappointment; our relationship was pretty much over, you were screwing up at work, what did you have? You were getting sloppy at work, I told you all them extra hours wouldn't do you good but you wouldn't listen even though I said. Then you got that guy killed...heart transplant wasn't it? And what surgery are you doing soon?"
He ponders, raising his eyebrow as he remembers; "Oh right a heart transplant! Well it's another dead body you can add to your last. Well done Madeline."
He claps his hands, slowly so slowly, but I can hear every clap vibrate round my ears, louder than the last. He suddenly stops and thinking he has gone, I open my eyes; I startle as he stands in front of me; grinning down.
"Put the kid down..."
I shake my head, clenching him close... "Put. The. Kid. Down...NOW!" I jump and do as he says; Mat relaxes instantly.
"Can you touch me, like how you use to? Can you feel it when I touch you? You've never said what you feel..." As though to test I stretch my fingers and touch his warm skin; I smile and relax at the familiar feel.
"We use to be so good Maddie, so, so good. I could have given you all of this, all you had to do was drop the gun, leave the freak and come home with me. That's all I wanted."
I nod, too exhausted to argue; maybe that was all he wanted, maybe he would have let Jack go? "Do you still love me? I love you babe, I will always love you, even after what you've done to me." He taps my cheek; "Well do you? Do you still love me?"
I don't need to think about it, not even a little; "Yes."
A/N: Ok I once again have left it on a crap ending where you want to tear your hair out and demand I wrote more...but trust me I know what I'm doing and all isn't what it seems! I'll hopefully have the next one out fast as well, but once again guys thank you, thanks for all the PM's and to a certain lady also known as Foxotr who is always there to make me laugh and shove me in the right direction! But you wanna know something? You guys are all bloody brilliant and I should be the one worshipping you. You can tell I'm very pleased ha. Until next time!
Much love and Joker kisses
Feels-Like-Paradise