Hi guys; I told you this one would be out soon and here it is! I thought I owed it to you after the ending from the last chapter. The flashback scene here is from when Maddie started out as a doctor; when you read on it makes sense. Thanks again for the reviews and everything; they are the perfect birthday present! Cheers!
Chapter 16: The Darkest Night
What goes around comes around. You're going to get what you deserve. Karma. It snakes up behind you and forces you to look it in the eye; it's not being unfair, it's not singling us out. It's there to even the score, to let us know we can't get away with everything. Sooner or later karma will find us all; as long as karma exists the world will change; it's always there to be taken care of. You wrong someone and karma is always there to even things out; to remind you that there is a positive and negative to everything that we can't expect to do as we please to others and not feel the force of it in return. I use to think for every life I saved karma owed me; if anything bad happened I would turn the air blue; question why I wasn't being rewarded. If one good turn deserves another then surely one bad turn equals the same?
(Flashback)
He wasn't lying when he said I killed a man; the operation had gone well, so well in fact that I'd gotten cocky; I was so confident in my abilities as a surgeon that I was ignorant to his after care. I left him alone with an intern; a young girl who didn't know any better and he died. He died with some young girl who was so scared, who tried so hard to save his life but couldn't, so that she quit the next day. I did that. I killed that man and I let that poor girl be haunted by his death. The Chief didn't blame me; insisted to the board that I wasn't to blame, that it couldn't be helped, that I did everything I could and more. A blood clot was the official cause of death; he was prone to blood clots and I knew this; I sat there time and time again telling his family he was in safe hands, that he would be ok, that I could to the procedure in his sleep; and his son, his beautiful little boy had tugged on my hand and said thank you to me. And I smiled, tickled him under the chin and told him I would see him tomorrow for the operation; that within a month he would be able to take that trip to England. I cleaned up, tied my hair back, put on my lucky cap and scrubs, told his wife she would see him soon and I entered that theatre so proud and confident. I left it feeling the same; told his wife it had all gone well and she should go home and rest, I would be there all night. I left half an hour after her. Told the intern to just stay with him and page the Chief if she needed help; that staff would always be on hand if she needed them; but none of them would have known what to have done it they had to open him up; it was my idea, my operation, my guy. Thirty missed calls; thirty and I ignored all of them. Looked at the look on James face and turned my phone off the second it had gone off. I sat there and ate, laughed at James' stories, held hands with him, kissed him, laughed with our waiter, took my time getting home. We had been on each other in an instant; I was high on another successful operation, drunk on the appreciative looks he was giving me. Afterwards I slept for an hour before throwing on my dress and finally turning on my phone. It was only until the last attempt that she left a message; please come and help, he's dying, there's blood everywhere, I don't know what to do, please help me. I left there and then; not even waking James to tell him what had happened. I had been drinking but for once that hadn't mattered; I got there in record time; his wife wasn't even there yet. His room was a mess from the struggle to save his life; she had been all alone; too scared to page anyone else; I had told her she could rely on me. He was pale; pale and still. Such a waste of life, so much more he could have done and could have been. I didn't notice her until I heard the crying. She was crouched in the corner of the room; shaking yet not crying, they had stopped. She looked at me then, with those empty eyes, taking in my sex hair and expensive dress; the heels in my hand; she looked at me and mouthed something, I had stepped closer, crouched down to her level, taken her hand in mine.
"I tried, he just didn't respond at all. I forgot everything you told me. I couldn't get hold of you and I was too scared to call for help. I didn't know if that would take too much time up so I tried on my own...The Chief is calling his wife."
I couldn't look him in the eye; him a dead body, who wouldn't look me in the eye and question me, I couldn't look at him, couldn't id him, even though his wife asked me, I couldn't do anything. Instead I went to the nearest bar and drank anything I could get my hands on; walked home in the rain, glass in the pavement cutting my feet. James was awake by then; had been for hours; he looked at me in disgust; my bedraggled hair, my crumpled dress, my face stained with tears, the alcohol tainting my lips.
"I screwed up really bad James, I screwed up and I don't know what to do."
He had sat there and listened afterwards he stood in front of me; gripping my wrist so I would focus; "You best find a fucking way out of this; or we're finished. And for the life of me I don't know who else would put up with you and your shit. You disgust me. Look at you. You're a fucking mess. You're disgusting."
He pushed by me; nudging me to the side with his shoulder; disappeared into the bathroom and slammed the door. I couldn't even call Bruce; for four days I had sat in that room; wearing the same clothes, sat in the same spot. I hadn't showered for four days. The dress I wore started to stick to me in the heat, the smell so bad since I hadn't changed in four days. I lost my appetite and all my energy. The shades were drawn and my heart was closing up. I sat in bed listening to the same message over and over.
"Doctor Wayne? This is Amy Collins; I want to invite you to my husband's funeral if you can make it? If not I understand; I know you're busy but my husband thought so highly of you; you tried you're hardest in the end to save him, we both knew it could have ended like this. He knew all the risks; I've been to the hospital and they said you've not been in for a while, please don't blame yourself, I..."
My finger pressed the 'play' button constantly, her voice echoed through my apartment, implanted itself in my brain, my memory.
Her name was Marie. His name was Andrew. She was twenty two. He was thirty three. His wife was thirty two. His son, Harry was three. I killed him and I may as well have killed her.
"Do you still love me? I love you babe, I will always love you, even after what you've done to me." He taps my cheek; "Well do you? Do you still love me?"
I don't need to think about it, not even a little; "Yes."
He smiles and inhales deeply; his fingers continue to stroke my cheek; the other touches my thigh; I can feel him; every stroke every whisper of breath; he's here.
"But what was it that we had? I don't even think it really was love. I did to begin with but I really don't know..."
He interrupts me; his stance defensive, his tone pleading, "No, you're confused that's all, whatever you're going through it's not helping you, you've had a tough break but that doesn't mean you can ruin this for me. You should be glad knowing I could still love you. Look what you did to me. Look!"
I look, the blood is there in an instant; stretching across his white shirt; I stumble back, desperate to get away from the blood; he lunges forward at the same time; grabbing my hand and pressing them into his bleeding stomach.
"Feel, this is your handiwork, feel what you did to me, what that little bullet did. What your stupid actions did to me! Even if I had lived what would you think would happen? We could have gone to your fucking therapy sessions again? No, I'd have let everyone see the real you, no hiding behind Bruce now, oh no even he couldn't save you from me."
"Go away James. Please just do me this one favour and go away."
I hear his cruel laughter and then...nothing. I look at my hands; recoiling from the blood, I run to the bathroom; the happiness and laughter that happened here only mere moments ago is banished; in its place is my fear. I scrub madly at my hands; the water turns blood red, I grab the flannel, scrubbing my skin until it's red raw from the effort. Satisfied that it's gone I sit down on the toilet lid; my head in my hands; pulling at my hair; it's all a mess; just one big fucking mess.
"Keep it together Maddie, keep it together, you've been doing so well, come on. Get to the hospital. Get. To. The. Hospital...Now, come on."
I urge myself to stand up; my face is pale and my eyes red rimmed; I tap my face in order to give myself more colour; satisfied I pick up Mat and hold him close; his hand scraps gently on my back as though soothing me.
"Come on baby lets go."
I almost slip on the envelope that has been shoved under the door, weird it wasn't there before; I open it; pulling a single picture of Mat out. I frown, I don't get it; did Jack leave it? I look closer; the picture has been drawn on; Mat's lips stained red, his head coloured in green, the words 'like father, like son' written repeatedly around him. I look down both corridors, as though expecting whoever it was to jump out and shake my hand, I'm suddenly aware at how dark it is here, how open I am to attack. I don't take the lift; that's what they could be expecting, instead I run as quickly as I can down the stairs; clutching hold of Mat, who laughs with every bounce, all a game in his mind. I strap Mat in and shaking I sit in the driver's seat; my head resting on the steering wheel.
"You sure you should be driving?"
"I thought I told you to leave me alone? Why can't you for once just let me be?"
"Miss Wayne?"
I look up; the watchman looks at me, his hand resting on the car, his face concerned, a look I am all to use too.
"Sorry Mitch I'm fine yeah, I just needed to...just needed some time. It's this heat, it's getting to me."
"If you're sure..." I nod, realising too late how eager and fake my actions are.
"I have to go, gotta go and keep busy, bye."
I pull away without hearing his response, I instead look into the rear view mirror; he's still standing there, I'm not surprised, the whole city will soon known I'm cracking up if I'm not careful. Abbey and a few other nurses and doctors I know are crowded around reception when I get there; Jane among them. I hold up my hand and Jane smiles, heading towards me.
"Hey Mads, how are you doing? You're a little early; I think Mr Taylor's family are still in there with him."
I hand Mat to her, today he seems to be fine with going to anyone.
"I know, I finished up at the apartment early then I decided to just come here. I need to sort out and look over his file before I see him anyway; could you look after Mat for a while? I'll be an hour I think tops."
"Of course I can look after the little man; I've got some juice here for him. Are you still on for me and Riana coming round afterwards? She's looking forward to seeing you all."
I completely forgot about that, it was only this morning I was telling Bruce as well; "Yeah sure that's fine, I've already told Bruce and Alfred and they're cool with it, I think Alfred said something about juice and cookies for Riana as well."
Jane tuts at Mat and he smiles, pointing to Abbey who is pulling faces at him; "She'll be getting fat, won't she Mattie?"
I laugh; Riana has inherited her father's ability for eating whatever and still being a good size. I head towards my office, my fingers reach for my white coat, they brush instead the coldness of the door. I shut the door fully; checking the floor, then the drawers, I'm almost about to give up when I see it laid over my chair; my name tag pointing downwards.
"I could have sworn..."
I always put my coat on the back of my door at the end of a shift; always, no questions asked. I have done since I started here and even if I was in a rush I always put the coat there; it's easily found that way. My desk looks different as well; the photo of Mat is laid down flat; I pick it up and straighten my desk; flicking on my computer, it becomes hard for me to swallow when I look at the open word document;
'I know what you did, you can't hide from me."
No one else can get into my office; no one else has the keys, why would anyone want to come here. The only person who knows what I did is Jack...why would he be behind this?
"It's too much..." my head jolts at my page going off; I grab the file I need and pray my face doesn't betray me. I look in my mirror and fix a smile to my face; it falters slightly and I try again; that'll have to do. I lock the office door behind me; I'm taking no chances now.
"Doctor Wayne! Doc I need to talk to you!" I groan as I hear Chris's voice; he stands in front of me; effectively stopping me from moving.
"Listen I've tried to get on board with other specialities ok? I've been peed on by five different kids with Jane, helped snap bones back into place and looked at brains with tumours the size of my fist. But that's not me; I want in on your surgeries, I want your help."
His eagerness; it reminds me of me when I first started and use to trail Doctor Alan around; begging and pleading for any surgery, giving him any help he needed, sucking up to him every chance I got.
"Ok, I'll give you this chance ok? But don't screw it up; you do as I say when I say, ok?" He nods, grinning at me, I flash him a quick smile and look pointedly at him; he leans further back and matching my brisk walk, walks beside me.
"You may as well start now; I'm just going through the last part with Mr Taylor before his operation which is scheduled for this Friday. You can scrub in then if you want also." I knock on the door and he opens it for me, I smile and we step into the room.
"Mr Taylor Hi, I'm sorry it's been so long but we're here now, we've got the heart, it's gonna happen."
He's rigged up to monitors; they've been part of his life for months now, different hospitals day in and day out, until now that is, now I get to repay old debts and finally do right.
"Hi Doc, still can't believe its happening. I may even get to see my kid's graduation at this rate."
I smile and hand the file to Chris; "This is Doctor Harte, he will be the intern on your case if at one time I'm not around feel free to ask him anything and he'll do his best to help you. All your tests have come back clean so we're just waiting until we can start the procedure. Do any of you have any questions?"
I nod at his wife "Mrs Taylor yes?"
"Doctor Wayne can he have music in there with him? I want him to feel completely calm and at home, is that ok?"
"Yeah that should be absolutely fine; people have done it before so we can do it for you. If you have any concerns please let me know."
They both look to each other, until he clears his throat; "I er I've heard people have this operation and they die, nothing against you doc but I just want to know my chances." Nothing against you...how little he knows.
"Erm Mr Taylor this procedure is perfectly fine, as with all surgeries there are obviously risks which as you know I've been through with you before; your body could reject the heart, your blood could clot, you could bleed out. I'm telling you know that I will make sure that you will be fine, you'll be able to go to that graduation and do what you want."
He coughs; clutching his heart, his wife is there in an instant, holding his free hand. "Thank you doctors, I suppose I'm just nervous I mean I'm the one who'll be knocked out but still...I'm nervous."
"Don't be, like Doctor Wayne said she's been through everything with you, she knows what she's doing. You're looking at the best here." I turn in surprise at Chris; his barely spoken two words since we got in here but I like what I hear.
I shake both of their hands and wait for Chris to do the same; I crane and look at Mat; Doctor Franklin, the neurosurgeon is dangling his stethoscope in front of him; they all laugh at his happy responses.
"He's a cute kid, how old is he now?"
"Just over six months now, you did good back in there; you were firm but friendly with it, good job. I'll be interested in how you do in the OR."
He smirks and looks pleased with himself; "Thanks and Franklin said I wouldn't amount to anything, I'm gonna prove him wrong. I'll see you then at the surgery? You're going now right?" I grasp his hand and give my thanks and goodbyes once more, before heading to reception.
"Maddie, you have the sweetest boy!"
"You should see him in the morning," I joke to Abbey before looking to the receptionist, Laura.
"Hi Laura has anyone been in my office lately? Cleaners or anyone else, anything like that?"
"No and I've been here mainly all the time, why has something gone?"
"Maddie?" I can feel them all staring at me, I'm in a panic; is this what James felt? The panic, the fear of someone following him, the forever looking over your shoulder?
"Thanks, Jane let's just go." I smile and take Mat; eager to get out of there and go back to sanctuary.
Riana, Jane's little girl is the spitting image of her father, I can tell, I know where to look, what features to look for, no one else knows but me, even if I hadn't know I would have been able to tell. She chatters away to Mat in the back; he holds her hand and she shows him her recent drawings; her writing still shaky and uneven.
"Mommy who's is Mat's daddy?" Jane's movements next to me still and she looks at me before turning around to address her daughter; "You remember sweetie, you've seen his pictures. He's in heaven with the angels remember?"
She nods, satisfied for now and reassumes her swinging of the legs; her chatter to Mat gets quieter. "Sorry about that Maddie, she asked me once and I didn't know what to say..."
I look at the kids; they're too engrossed in Riana's pictures to notice; "its fine, she's your kid she's bound to be asking questions soon, it's just preparing me for when Mat wakes up one day and starts asking questions."
"Have you heard from him?"
"Mommy!" We both jolt at the urgency in Riana's voice; "What, what is it?"
The little girl bites her lip, playing with her plait; "Who's my daddy?"
We pull up and I unbuckle myself, desperate to get inside and away from all the questions; "I need the toilet, can you get Mat for me?"
I surprisingly have to unlock the door; Alfred and Bruce must still be busy; I trail upstairs to my bathroom as ungrateful as this sounds it was easier at the apartment; the amount of stairs in this place is enough to kill me off. My bedroom door is wide open, once again I knew I closed it over; I edge closer, my bad slightly raised, I peer around the corner; clenching tight. My bag drops to the floor; Jack stands there covered in blood, I rush to him, my heart in my mouth.
"Jack what happened? Where are you hurt? Let me see" His arms curl around me; crushing me close, I move back slightly, his hold remains on me, I can't see where he's hurt.
"It's Speed," he explains finally, his voice dead, "his been shot."
A/N: I figured that because I've updated so fast I get let off on leaving it on another cliff hanger...perhaps only just! I've already decided Speed's fate...you'll just have to be patient (insert evil Joker laugh). Thanks again for your support in my story!
Feels-Like-Paradise