"Red tie or green tie?" It was here finally the day she had been dreading, the anniversary of Liam's death. Carla sat in the Kitchen of Maria's flat trying to consume the scaling hot cup of black coffee. She had taken some meds so she wouldn't be a basket case, and pressed the bitter drink fervently to her lips. She hoped sipping Coffee all morning would save her from doing any more talking then necessary. Maria was standing in front of her next to little Liam's high chair holding out two of his little ties.

"It's September not Christmas, don't you have a blue tie or something. Blue would help bring out his eyes more, " Carla reached over to Liam and pinched his baby cheeks. The toddler beamed at her with enthused delight. "His hair is so light Maria, seems like it's getting lighter everyday."

"And messy, more and more messy. I need to comb it again because it just won't part right. It is driving me mental," Maria reached down to her son patting his hair. Liam was getting fussy. "Oh he better not start on me now, I barely slept last night he had me up for hours on end."

"I find that hard to believe," said Carla winking at the little boy. He stopped his fussing at once and reached out for her. Carla got out of her seat and when to collect him.

"Oh he has the Connor charm, he can pull the mask over any ladies eyes if he wanted to. He has you wrapped around his little finger."

This was true Carla thought, she simply adored baby Liam. "Michelle and Ryan will be here any minute now, go and get him the blue tie. I know you have one."

Maria was heading towards the stairs and muttering, "It will be an impossible find Carla, I don't even remember buying one."

"You did buy one. Sean told me, Marcus and him were with you, " Carla bellowed at Maria's ascending feet.

Now Carla was left downstairs standing all alone with Liam, his big green eyes looking up at her with such wonderment. They were his father's eyes. Carla felt saddened by her own behavior for the past couple of weeks. It had been so reckless and destructive. She had been selfishly wrapped up in her self and her own feelings for Liam, she had not considered how hard this must all be for Maria. Maria had to wake up every morning to a living reminder of Liam, his carbon copy in everything but hair color. Yet she always put on a happy face. In spite of all the bad blood between the two, Maria always smiled warmly every time she saw Carla, always picked up her up from her drunken binges, and was always their to listen to her when she was feeling alone. Maria had a good heart, and Carla was certain little Liam would inherit his mother's resilience and kindness.

"Shall we play a little game while we wait for mummy to get your tie?" cooed Carla. She walked Liam into the living room and placed him on the carpet next to an assortment of toys and books. Usually Carla was no good with children, but it surprised her how loving and caring she felt towards little Liam. She remembered when Maria first confided in her she was pregnant; it was the day Liam died. She was overcome with sorrow because it meant she and Liam could never be together. She was determined not to be the one to take a father away from his child. She would not bare the brunt of being a home wrecker.

At the same time she also felt jealously. She had never wanted any mans kids before, but in the last few times she had been with Liam she couldn't help but imagine the two of them having children together, blissfully retired to the Irish country side where they could watch them grow into old age. She was resentful that Liam and Maria would get to have that special gift, but of course now things turned out much differently for Maria.

Liam tumbled over to the books, his steps so angelic and carefree they made Carla want to cry. He ran back clumsily into her arms dropping a tiny blue book into her lap. "You want a story?" Liam nodded and positioned himself in Carla's lap. Carla looked down at the book and read the title "Love you Forever, by Robert Munsch." She turned the page and began to read…

Little Liam has such calm breathing; it began to soothe Carla. She stared down in amazement at this delicate child before her. He was so beautiful and innocent and oblivious about today. She had a strong urge to protect him; she always wanted to protect him from the tragedy of September 26th. To her he represented the true concrete proof that life does go on. All the times she was so stubborn and content in suffering and being in pain, here was a true sign that from darkness there could be light. Little Liam listens intently hanging onto her every syllable and she enjoys the comfort of his head come to rest on her shoulder

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, my baby you'll be."

Carla finished the book just as Maria came walking back down the stairs. She had found the blue tie. And was looking quite relieved. "Oh I see you guys found his book, I was beginning to wonder why it was so quite down here." Maria opened up her arms to collect Liam as Carla got to her feet. " Carla Conner sat down on the bare carpet, now I have seen everything, " scoffed Maria.

Carla rolled her eyes joking, "He was persuasive."

"It's odd seeing you here all maternal though Carla, it is actually quite nice . Liam really adores you ." Maria set Liam down on the couch and the toddler played with his mother's hair as she fixed his tie. "There, beautiful blue to bring out the eyes. You look absolutely stunning", Maria beamed down at her child and kissed him on the forehead. Suddenly Carla could see the tears welling in Maria's eyes and she instinctively went towards her. Maria broke down into uncontrollable sobs. "It just isn't fair you know. None of it is fair at all." She had been trying to hold her sadness in all day

Carla wrapped her arms around Maria and rocked her back and forth. Liam's seemed mildly concerned until he turned his attention elsewhere. He played with his stuffed giraffe and zebra on the living room couch, oblivious to all the pain unraveling around him. He was lucky for it Carla thought. Life does go on…

Maria's crying steadied and she removed her head from Carla's shoulder, "You know that's his favorite book. He makes me read it over and over every night. I just keep on saying I'll love you forever Liam, I'll like you for always, my baby you'll be. He doesn't understand where his father is and I am all he has got. I have to keep saying the words over and over in case I ever forget."

"Shhh, " whispered Carla trying to calm her friend she motioned her over to the sitting chair and Maria fell down her crying stifled. "Oh Maria, how could you ever forget?" Carla cupped Maria's face in her hands, her green eyes looking intently into Maria's deep blue.

Maria looked like she was convulsing, her head had involuntary jerks and she reached for the sides of the chair to steady herself. She looked to be struggling with her thoughts and Carla thought it was best to let her calm herself. She hated when people probed her and wouldn't do that to Maria.

"Sometimes I hate him Carla. Sometimes I hate my own God damn child. I look at him and I think to myself, he is a burden. He barely talks you've seen it he is almost four now, he isn't a toddler anymore. I wonder what is wrong with him. I have him in a bloody high chair because I just don't want to deal with him."

"Maria he's a tiny child—"

"Just stop talking Carla and let me finish. You have gotten a lot of time to talk over the years let me share my thoughts just this once."

Carla shuts her mouth and waits for Maria to respond.

"I hate how everyone goes around expecting people to love their kids unconditionally, when those kids themselves aren't born from conditional love. How messed up is that?" Maria looks down at Carla who is now squatting at her feet. Carla supposes Maria expects her to be horrified but she isn't. She understands Maria needs to get things off her chest. Maria musters up the courage to continue, "What you did with him Carla, it disgusts me. You act like you're the only one hurting, like Michelle and I don't matter. We get Carla he was the love of you life, but he was my husband and he is Liam's father. You sit at Rovers day in and out wasting each and every God damn day given to you. What about Little Liam's pain? Do you even care?

Carla didn't understand where this was coming from. She was on her best behavior today. The drugs had mellowed her out and she had not touched any alcohol.

"I haven't done anything today Maria."

"Yeah I don't care about today, what about tomorrow and next week?"

"I am trying Maria. And you are only getting yourself into a tizzy. Liam lived you to. "

There was a flash of bitterness that etched across Maria's beautiful features. "Well that's just it isn't it? He loved me—do you hear yourself right now Carla? He loved me to. We were married for god sake!"

Carla does not have any words, she knows what Maria is saying is true. She interfered on a marriage. She had wanted to take Liam away from Maria and she did. She was selfish and now at the end of the day, she acted like she was the only person who cared about Liam, who had loved him. All the while little Liam has to grow up without a father, without ever having had known his father. She thinks back to what she had told Dr. Harrington two days previous.

"You know I don't even remember his voice anymore. I had known him all my life and one day I tried to remember what he sounded like. Closed my eyes and everything, concentrated really hard on it but nothing..."

She could sit here and fume and wonder where the hell this was all coming from. But the truth was it was long over due. Carla had cried for days after Liam had died because she was unwelcome at his funeral. Everyday she woke up and found more and more reasons not to be happy. She drank herself stupid and always expected Maria and Michelle to pick up the pieces. This wasn't about her anymore it never was really. It involved many more lives then just poor lonely Carla.

The doorbell rang signaling the arrival of Michelle and Ryan. Maria snapped out of her anger and went to go grab it. Carla looked over at little Liam still wrapped up in his own little world. She had complained how she wouldn't be able to remember Liam, how each and everyday she was losing pieces of him more and more to memories. But his son would never have these memories, of which to close his eyes and hope to conjure.

Maria was under a lot of pressure and Carla observed the child before her. Was Maria right? Was there something wrong with him, was he developing slowly? Maria had gone into labor prematurely, it was a possibility and yet Carla was so wrapped up in her own pain she didn't even notice. Maria had spent so much time and energy hauling her around to see Dr. Harrington and helping her detox that she was neglecting little Liam's needs. He was four and barely walking.

Michelle and Ryan appeared in the doorway greeting Carla warmly. Ryan rushes over to his cousin and scoops him up, and Michelle sits on the couch beaming at the scene.

Carla looks over at Maria who has just appeared in the doorway to the living room. She is not taking anything in and stares at her son with great emotion it breaks Carla's heart. Carla gets up to join her.

"I so sorry I didn't see how much you have to deal with Maria."

Maria continues to stare straight ahead, Carla wonders if Maria has heard her. The tears are flowing freely down her face.

"Been a tough day Carla, nothing more."

"No don't lie. You were right about a lot of things Maria and I am sorry."

"Your always sorry Carla, it's like washing windows with you. I have heard it all before. I don't really want you to say anything anymore." Maria turns around abruptly and heads towards the stairs.

Carla considers following Maria, but she doesn't. She realizes it wouldn't be any use. She could try convincing Maria she is changed all she wants but at the end of the day, it is only she, Carla who can change if she wants to. And God she wants to. She looks at the four-year-old boy in front of her, the splitting image of man she loved so dearly, a sign that life goes on, and she wants to change…

There must have been a reason why she didn't drink herself into a stupor today; maybe it is a sign she is finally growing up. Maybe it's Liam talking to her from up above, Carla won't let him down, she won't let little Liam down. The gorgeous boy stumbles in his walk towards her. Carla scoops him up immediately and all of a sudden she knows what she must do. It is time to start recovery.