October 3, 2011

Dear Journal,

I had that dream again last night, the one I thought was finally gone forever. It's the one where Liam, Paul and I are all kids again and Paul steals the necklace my gran gave me just to tease me. I cry and beg him to give it back, but he wont so Liam goes after him. We end up at the pond near the Connor's childhood home, and just like in childhood Liam trips and hits his head on a rock near the pond. Usually at this point my mind signals my body to wake, it knows the strains an image of Liam's lifeless body can put upon me. But last night was different, when I tried to open my eyes I couldn't, Liam wouldn't let me. I wanted to scream but nothing came out, and when I tried to physically move my limbs where immobile. It was like a presence was holding me down, trying to make me accept the image of a 13 year Liam Connor lifeless and on the brink of death. I was terrified; my dream had never gone beyond this moment before. "Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this to me now?" I hear my 12-year-old self scream. I rush over to his body to be at his side and Paul joins me. We are both crying like we had all those years ago and Paul is getting scared. I try to remain calm but all those familiar feelings of emptiness resurface, and I feel hopeless as I kneel next to Liam's body. I check for his heartbeat and all those familiar things I had done when we had been children came into motion. I do CPR on him trying to make him breath but he isn't responding so I recoil next to Paul who is still crying and stare willing him to open his eyes. My 12 year old self thinks willing someone to live will work and against all odds like a miracle he opens his eyes. We wait for him to say something cheeky like he was just pulling our leg, but he just stares at us with his blue eyes. Paul runs back towards home to get Helen, and I hoist Liam's head to rest in my lap. Finally he says, "I can't move Carla, I can't feel my leg, my left leg Carla…" I look down at his leg and shriek horrified there is blood everywhere blood coming from his leg. But how? It was his head… and then I move my hands out from beneath him, there is blood everywhere, all over my dress and on my hands. I am petrified and cannot speak. "What is happening? How is this happening Liam…why are you doing this to me?" He glares at me then, but then composes himself beautiful and bloodless once more before ushering me to come closer to him. "Because I can…" The faint whisper of words sure to haunt me forever…

It is 12 o'clock at the factory and Carla tells the girls she will be off for the remainder of the day. She promised to meet Michelle for a quick bite to eat before her appointment with Dr. Harrington. When Carla arrives at Nicks Restaurant Michelle is already waiting.

"Hello Love how's your day going?" Michelle asks as Carla sits down at the table across from her. The waiter has already bustled over to get there orders so Michelle orders a glass of red and Carla an iced tea, before deciding to let them take a few moments more with the menu.

"I am doing ok, how about you? Has Ryan left to go back to Uni?"

"Yes last night oh and he tells me to say he is very sorry he didn't come by to say goodbye, but I told him he can call and tell you himself."

Carla laughs and takes a swig of her ice tea, "It is no worry really. He is all grown up now he has a life to live. Can't be bothered with an old aunt like me"

"Oh yes tell me about it. The Connor men always have a life to live. They spend half the there lives telling you all about it, trust me I know."

"Ha Ha oh Michelle, you forget I was married one. I think his name was Paul, so I do know all about it."

"Touché", Michelle emptied her class and signaled for the waiter. "Speaking of Connor men, there is something I want to tell you. It's about little Liam."

Suddenly Carla felt worried. She noticed concern overtake Michelle's often-relaxed features.

"Maria will probably be angry with me for this but I don't care because you deserve to know. Maria took Liam to the doctors, you know she has been worried about him, he hasn't really been walking or speaking like he should for his age. The doctors think they may have identified some motor problems. They told her, he has mild cerebral palsy in his left leg."

Left leg…

Carla was trying to process this heartbreaking news and thought of her dream, the remnants she had recorded in her journal.

I can't feel my leg, my left leg…Carla

Carla felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry. She felt her voice breaking as she asked, "Will he be ok, and will he be able to walk? What about Maria?"

"The doctor says he has to wear leg braces in order to help him walk. This is all really stressful for Maria and she is worried about the medical. But I think she will be ok, she has us right?"

"Of course. Does she need any help watching him, I wouldn't mind."

"That is sweet of you Carla, you got such a good heart. But Maria didn't even want you to know about any of this. I am only telling you because you are practically my sister and I feel you have a right to know. I don't know what is going on with the two of you right now, but I hope you guys can just work it out so we can go back to being family. We are too old for all this falling out"

Carla knew exactly what was wrong; she hadn't shared any of the events of Liam's memorial with Michelle or what transpired between the two. Maria basically hated Carla and in Carla's mind she had every right to. But Carla was working on changing herself, and this time she wasn't going to talk about it, but actually do it. She had already signed up for a recovery program for alcoholics and was keeping her appointments with Dr. Harrington. She even poured all her vodka down the drain.

"Just give her time Michelle. She regularly hates me you know that, but it doesn't matter she has better things to worry about like Liam. And anyways you always have her back, so there will be no shortage of family."

Michelle sat across from Carla her mouth wide open she was taken aback. "Carla Conner, not willingly talking negative about Maria Connor…who are you and what have you done with Carla?"

Carla just laughed. Truthfully at the moment she did not know where the old Carla Conner was, but she was certain she was far away from here. Slowly she was starting to find a new person, a happier person, and more full of hope. But something was threatening this that dream. It was threatening to drag her back into darkness, and she was determined to fight against it, whatever it was.

It was 1:00 in the afternoon when Carla and Michelle finally finished lunch. She had an hour to spare before her appointment with Dr. Harrington, the two parted ways and Carla decided to go home and take a quick shower before going into town. She felt eerie as she stood in the doorway of her bedroom. She stared at her bed; her sheets all in rumpled mess were the only signs of her disturbing dream. Liam wouldn't let her open her eyes he made her watch him and relive the moment from their childhood when she thought she had lost him and everything was ending. It was unbearable having to endure that when it had happened all those years ago but to relive it all again threatened to break her.

The hit and run, the night he actually died, she remembered how she watched him as they put him on the stretcher. There was blood everywhere and she wanted to run to his side, but she couldn't. The child like games of staring and willing someone to live would not work. There was no magic in any of it, it was truly his ending, no trick of the mind, no innocent fight, no brother to run and call for mother, no opening eyes to greet her and tell her he was ok.

Carla entered her bathroom and turned on the tub, slowly watching the water rise as she caressed it. With her finger tips. She decided Liam had used the dream to reach out to her the way he knew how, and tell her that his son would suffer. Carla felt angry, she wanted to scream and cry. Poor little Liam, what would his life be like? She felt powerless and as she removed her clothing and climbed into the tub, she felt the water submerge her. It wasn't fair; he was just a boy why should he have to grow up with this disability and without his father. He was four and his life was already full of so many setbacks. Michelle said it was only mild CP and that he would walk, but Carla was still worried.

She had always felt so sad or angry with both Liam and Paul for leaving her, but now she was angry that Liam would allow for this to happen to his son. She felt so much anger, at first it was about the dream but now it was about everything. Death in general angered her, Liam had left everyone to pick up the pieces, and she had been left to face the wrath of Maria, Helen, and Barry. He had left her with the feeling that life was dark and that nothing could save her. He made sure she would never forget him.

The water in the tub was at Carla's shoulders. "Why are you allowing this to happen to your son? Why are you doing this to me?" Carla whispered. But she did not want to hear an answer; she submerged her whole body in the tub and thought she heard the faint familiar whisper…

"Because I can."