Some inappropriate and sensitive subject manner about abuse. You are forewarned
"I think you have a lot of anger Carla."
Carla sat across from Dr. Harrington on her comfortable leather sofa. She had been late for the appointment, lost in her own world as she lay underneath the water in her tub. She finally came to it when she heard her cell phone blazing from her adjacent bedroom. Apparently she had missed five calls and Dr. Harrington would have called the police to go check on her if not for Carla finally answering. So after all of this Carla was really not all that surprised that the woman staring back at her in luminous perfection with golden blond hair was looking to play hardball. Carla however decided to bite her tongue.
Dr. Harrington continued, "I think your anger is misdirected."
"Why is that Doctor?" Carla posed the question in a manner of mocking care. In reality she was so overcome with sadness because to whole situation regarding little Liam she did not care.
"You are acting like both Liam and Paul purposely chose to die and leave you. No one does that."
Carla cocked her head to the side and looked bemused, "Tell that to my granddad. He offed himself when me mum was young and couldn't have care what the consequences were. But maybe you'd be interested to hear them. My mum basically ran away from home at 16, you see her new stepfather had been inappropriate with her for some time. She met an older boy had my brother and then me and settled down into an alcoholic mess with countless boyfriends and drugs. My brother endured her hatred, which leads me to suspect he may have been product of her stepfather and not my dad. And then my brother to went the way of hell. Now he has racked up countless prison terms and drug charges. He even gave some girlfriends a few black eyes along the way. "
"That example you just graced me with proves my point Carla. Instead of blaming your mother for neglecting you and your brother, you lay the blame completely on a grandfather you never met. He is like a non-entity to you, never having known him it is easier to vilify him and label him as the source of all your suffering. You aren't ready to accept that the mother you know and love, was incapable of giving you love and it hurts you to be angry at her alone, so you blame her father for committing suicide and leaving her defenseless."
"Bravo doctor," Carla could feel more scathing remarks itching to get off her tongue. What happened to biting her tongue she thought.
Dr. Harrington ignored her and continued, "You are repeating the same with the abandonment issues you feel towards your mother with Liam and Paul. You feel like death is the ultimate betrayal, and now you are projecting those feelings onto your nephew Liam. You act as though Liam left his son willingly, but if I remember correctly you told me Liam didn't even know about his son on the night he was killed. So what I want for you to do is tell me what it is you are really angry about? Is this about your nephew and his cerebral palsy or is this about you and how you feel left behind by Liam?"
Carla sat for moment. She shrunk back into the sofa in silence and suddenly she felt so small. The anger that had made her feel so deranged in the tub had flooded from her. She was broken and vulnerable once more, she was ashamed. The doctor made her feel so ashamed.
"Because I can," Carla said staring at Dr. Harrington dead in the eyes. "I asked him why he left me in the dream I had, why he was dying on me and that's what he said, because I can." Carla felt her whole body convulsing saying those words. They tore through her heart and she was on the brink of tears. "You know I think of all the times he hurt me, when he chose every other girl he could besides me. I always wanted to scream out to him, why didn't you pick me, I was standing right there I loved you more then any of them ever could. Why go for the blonde prissy girls with the perfect homes, and the clothes?" Carla now lurched forward more comfortable in what she was saying and feeling, "He always went for those girls because he could, because in the back of his mind he knew I desired him and always would. You know on his 21, he kept on looking at me with that look you give someone when you are noticing them for the first time. I kept expecting him to come on over, and talk to me, but he never did he stuck with his mates all evening. It was Paul who paid attention to me that night, and it was in that moment I decided Liam could go fuck himself. I was set on marrying Paul instead."
Dr. Harrington took a few notes on her note pad before looking up. "So you felt like Liam never really loved you in the way he should have, that you loved him more. So then you made the brash decision to marry Paul, because Paul was still the brother of the man you loved."
"I loved Paul in his own right. In the early years, he was a wonderful husband."
"No Carla, he was safe. He was a way for you to be connected to Liam and at the same time he acted as a safe guard against Liam. Paul was your convenient excuse to not confront what you truly wanted."
"I loved Paul", Carla repeated as though she had not heard a word Dr. Harrington had said.
"Ahhh yes, " Dr. Harrington was now the one bemused. "That's just it isn't it? "You loved Paul, but you were in love with Liam."
"You don't know what you are talking about."
"Carla you just admitted it yourself. You just told me all about Liam's 21st birthday. You got all dressed up he invited you out. You went and thought to yourself maybe that night he would finally choose you, he would feel the same way. But he didn't so you settled for Paul, who had always like you. You settled for love where you could get it. And for years you and Paul had a loving relationship. For him it was complete besotted love, and for you it was safe and something to contend with. He was your friend, not your soul mate. Now why is it so hard for you to say what you describe?"
"Aren't I already horrible enough. I already have a drinking problem; I am labeled as a husband stealer wherever I go, as selfish and career driven. I am the local neighborhood dragon lady and black widow rolled into one. Any man who gets involved with me ends up dying."
"Answer me Carla. Admit who you really love and what you are angry at."
" I love them b-"
"You loved Liam and it was always Liam. You're angry because you married Paul and made yourself and him both believe that it was real. You're angry because as you have said Liam never fought for you. You have guilt because of what happened the night before your wedding, that Helen walked in-"
"STOP IT, JUST STOP IT DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYMORE," Carla saw red, the anger was back again, she lounged out of her seat. She wanted to slap Dr. Harrington on the face. Dr. Harrington ignored her and her threatening stance.
"Helen walked in on you in the arms of a son, who wasn't the son you would be marrying the next day. She walked in on Liam and you kissing, didn't she? She hated you before then, she thought you were low class ever since Michelle bought you home to play r that day long ago when you were kids. She judged your muggy hair and tattered clothes, and she didn't want you or your druggy mum and criminal brother around her family. And when she saw that kiss all those years later, it made her physically ill Carla. You were trash and had already seduced one son, now you had gotten the other, her favorite son Liam. You would never be good enough, not only were you trash from the wrong side of town, you were immoral, like a poison."
Carla couldn't take it anymore -SLAP-
She couldn't remember what happened next, but the doctor was on the floor with blood coming down her lips. How the fuck did she do it? How did she know all of Carla's insecurities and her anger? Further how did Dr. Harrington know all of these things, Carla was certain she never told her about the Liam incident that had taken place before her marriage to Paul. Perhaps she was being paranoid, but something was not right about Dr. Harrington. The doctor looked almost triumph like she had enjoyed the rage she sent Carla into.
"That's it Carla, release your rage. Once you release your rage you can accept the things you can not change and move forward on the road to recovery."
Carla started down at the Doctor who was now readjusting her blouse. She had just been assaulted in a fit of rage and yet she was smiling acting like this was all ok and part of the process. Carla could not believe her. Perhaps it was the doctor who needed to see a shrink
"This is not recovery," she whispered to Dr. Harrington. If this was what recovery was, something that unleashed an angry uncontrollable monster that assaulted people she wanted no part in it. It was not the person she wanted to be. "This is not recovery at all."
Carla ran for the door and swung it open nearly breaking the door handle. The receptionist outside looked up from her paper work alarmed but Carla didn't care, she just wanted to get out of there. She felt like things were going down hill quickly and she knew that she was on that familiar path towards relapse.