Warning some offensive language is present in this section
October 23, 2011
Dear Journal,
I have refused all of Dr. Harrington's attempts to reach out to me for the last two weeks. I can't sleep, and instead I am forced to relive that night in which I betrayed Paul with Liam over and over again. Perhaps this is my penance maybe this is my guilt. Now I question what to do with this guilt, should wear it like a scarlet letter, or is it etched into the skin like a mark of Cain? I don't know, maybe this is all a bunch of rambling of a crazy person. But I can't sleep and every time I close my eyes, I see Liam dead at 13 years of age. Over and over he says, "Because I can" What is happening to me? What should I do? That story, how did the doctor know? And what else does she know? Should I return to her, and try to figure out who told her and what else she knows? Maybe I will, besides I could do with some sleeping pills, I have been avoiding alcohol like the plague. I think I will call her and tell her I need to come back. And well I am at it; I might as well call Michelle back. She wants me to go on a mini break with her Ryan, and his girlfriend. Maybe a distraction will help me think of something else besides Liam.
"Welcome back Carla. I was starting think you would never come back, but I am glad to see that you have accepted what it takes to achieve recovery." Dr. Harrington adjusted her yellow cardigan and reached out to offer Carla a complementary tray of sweets sitting on the table between them. Carla shook her head implying no thanks. Dr. Harrington continued, "So shall we talk about the last time you were here?"
"No, I prefer not to. However I would like to know something." Carla looked at the doctor, trying to examine her body language. Perhaps if she would behave nervously and give herself away, to what exactly Carla was not sure. She had not established what Dr. Harrington was guilty of yet. To Carla's disappointment the doctor cool calm and collected.
"Ask away."
"Why in heavens name didn't you call the police on me? I gave you a bloody lip."
Dr. Harrington laug a high-pitched sound, it began irked Carla. Ever since Carla decided the Doctor could not be trusted she got annoyed with every weird quirk the woman possessed.
"Carla it is apart of the process. I am allowing you the room necessary to express your anger. Letting go of anger is key to moving on. If punching me is the way you choose to do, so be it, what matters it that you deal with this anger."
This woman really is crazy. Looks can be deceiving. Carla nodded her head to indicate the answer had been satisfactory. However it only established there was something wrong with the doctor. "So I guess today we will be talking more about my marriage to Paul?"
"If you like? Or Liam, or both you can talk about both."
Carla raised an eyebrow, "So I can talk about them both, but just not imply I love them both?"
"Carla are we ever going to get past this game? Paul himself probably knew you loved Liam over him."
"For an outsider, with so little detail, you sure seem to know a lot about Paul, Liam, and I."
Dr. Harrington held up the thick file sitting next to her on the couch. "Remember this sucker Carla, it has all your incidents and hospital stays. Sure I don't know the full story, as told from your lips, but I can conjure up the details, and put pieces of the puzzle together."
Carla nodded curtly. She had almost forgotten about the file. Dr. Harrington had used it once before to bully emotions out of her. Carla really didn't know why she was so surprised the Doctor had said the vile things she had last session.
"In any case, the files won't help me to understand who ever told you it was ok to love two brothers at once. Correct me if I am mistaken, you seem to have enjoyed being the object of both brothers affections all your life. Perhaps maybe the pain all of this is due not to the loss of the two brothers per say, but the loss of their undying adoration and affection."
Carla was determined not to let this therapist incite her to anger again. She took deep breaths counting
1,2,3,4,5…
"There is nothing wrong with that Carla. You never really had love before, so how were supposed to know what was normal and what wasn't. Paul thought you were a trophy wife, and Liam, well Liam just knew you were always a girl he could depend on to get a good lay."
30, 31, 32, 33, 34….
"You thought every time Liam said he loved you during the sex, that he meant it. You just went through life craving male attention, didn't you? Your father abandoned you, your mother's boyfriends beat up on you, and your brother was in-group homes. When he left you felt abandoned once again. You always felt that though. None of the kids at school would come near silly, smelly Carla would say. But the new girl Michelle didn't care when you both were in sixth grade. She took pity on you, didn't she? She invited you home one day, and she ruined your life."
69, 70,…
Carla couldn't count anymore she was beside herself in agony, pitiful almost.
"Stop it please stop it."
"What, stop telling the truth? No I don't think so Carla, it's the only way you will be free. You have to embrace this."
"That's not the truth! It is warped up lies, and I don't believe them. Michelle was my friend!"
"Oh yes I bet she was," Dr. Harrington smirked. "She was such a good friend that once you laid eyes on her brothers you forgot all about her didn't you? You know it true that is why you are crying."
Carla had sunk to the floor now curled up in the fetal position. She wanted to lash out and hurt Dr. Harrington, but she couldn't. She felt weak, and in the back of her mind, she felt the doctor was bringing to light all the insecurities she felt.
If there exists within a person a little bit of doubt, that was all that was needed to plant the seed. What this seed was only time would tell.
It was Sunday and Dr. Harrington sat across from Tony Gordon at the correctional facility. He drummed his fingers patiently as she briefed him on the past Thursday's developments.
"So it's working then?"
"If by working, you mean I am slowly planting the seeds of doubt, then yes it is."
"That's exactly what I mean Katherine. Good job, but we still have more to do and time is running out."
"Well I thought you just wanted to make her a bit crazy so that you could discredit her testimony in court at your next appeal."
"That's exactly it Katherine, glad to know you have been listening. But there is more."
"What more Tony? I wish you'd tell me things; you're always so secretive. And my latest blunder has you pulling away sweet heart . I wish you wouldn't"
"God Kate! I don't need to tell you everything. I told you enough. I told you that story didn't I? The one Helen Connor was all to eager to share with me when Carla and I first got engaged. I thought she was a crazy loon, at first. But then I heard it straight from the vixen's mouth how there used to be something between her and Liam. How could I ignore it then? Helen is the only one in that family that tells the truth she sees Carla for what she is."
Dr. Harrington nodded her head in agreement. She was annoyed that Tony was snapping at her, after all her hard work this past week. She was behaving unethically with a patient, all because of her love for him and he didn't care. He seemed consumed by an obsession for Carla Conner as well. His had become one of hatred, and it was just as deep and disturbing as his love for Carla had once been.
"So what more can you possibly do to destroy Carla?"
"By time your done with her, I want her to be broken."
"Yes I know that, but how can I guarantee, she will come back? I mean who would willingly come back to hear such cruel psychologically damning words."
"My dear, you obviously don't know Carla Connor well. Normal for her is wallowing in darkness and self-pity. She'll come back to you because guess what, the woman loves it. She likes to feel damaged, that way she will always have someone to take care of her. And there is only one person she wants to do that, it doesn't matter that he is dead. When she wallows in the darkness, she sees Liam, she is that obsessed with him."
"I don't think she is the only one obsessed with a past lover," Dr. Harrington says boldly.
And evil glint appears in Tony's dark brown eyes. A deadly smirk forms on his mouth. "I think, you're right about that dear Kate. There something to be said of a man or woman who can fall so pathologically in love."
Dr. Harrington knows exactly what he means, she should be afraid, all signs point to Tony Gordon being insane, if not psychopathic and yet with all her training she can't help but be drawn to him, in love with him. Perhaps she has already gone to that defeated place Carla is going.
The prison guards are doing their routine bedtime drill. "Lights out!" So the lights go out and in the dark lies Tony Gordon. For the past three years he had been in this cell, and he was just etching to be free. He didn't understand why he was being punished. In the eyes of God, it was Carla who sinned. Liam even greater, he coveted his neighbor's wife, he took his brothers wife. If this had been the olden days, Tony would have faced him in combat, shot him in a duel. He did nothing wrong, he did what he did for love.
She didn't care though. Carla was deaf to his cries and pleas; he tried to explain to her that night in the factory. But she already put it all together, figured out what he had done. She wouldn't listen to his reasons. She just shouted how she always loved Liam more. He shook her life a deranged man, it was an outer body experience. He boosted how he killed her precious little Liam; how it made him physically ill to see the way she became this different person every time Liam walked into a room. And when Michelle unknowingly revealed the sex they had in her wedding dress, Tony became inconsolable. He thought to himself, what a whore she was. She had done this to two husbands both with the same man. He laughed thinking all those months after Liam's death, how she could no longer have him.
But when she said she loved him even more from the grave, Tony couldn't handle it. He bashed her head against the wall of the factory; he tried to take the life out of her. His hands clasped her neck and she looked at him defiantly daring him to do it. It was what she wanted; she wanted to die so she could be with Liam. He wouldn't give her a happy ending. Not with Liam and especially not for an eternity.
When Tony was arrested for hiring the hit man, he stewed for months in this cell wondering how he was going to get her back. Then it came to him, his magnificent plan. It would be a fate worse then death. She clung onto the memory of Liam like a moth drawn to the flame. Tony would take those memories and he would make her question them. It would be psychological warfare, and he would sow the seeds of doubt. He wouldn't stop until she truly believed that Liam never really loved her. The only thing worse for her then a world with out Liam is a world, where Liam never loved her at all. He would take everything from her; he would tear her precious Liam from her arms once more. This time for good until she had no soul. Only then would he be satisfied. It was all he breathed for.