Dear Michelle,

I am sorry about the past few days. I know you have been trying to get a hold of me and I know that you have been worrying. But I just needed to get away, you need not worry about Sally nagging you about underworld issues, I will deal with it and her when the time comes. For now there is something I need to do.

For the last couple of months I have really been thinking about my road to recovery. I mean I made all the right stops. I started attending my AA meetings and got a great sponsor in Peter Barlow. I even made a conscious effort to attend all my sessions with Dr. Harrington, but I've started to wonder if my heart was really in it. The sessions had made me more anxious and on edge, and I feel like I a constantly fighting an up hill battle.

Someone asked me a question the other day that really got me thinking. They wanted to know if I could love me, if I was in their shoes. It was hard to hear, too hard actually. I had to leave town. But I've been thinking about it, am I worthy of love? I don't think that I am Michelle. I have done some horrible things, I came from a horrible place and everywhere I go, that human stain of inferiority follows me.

I finally realized why I've been messing up so much and going off the deep end or at least I think I have. I haven't forgiven myself for what happened to Liam and Paul and I haven't quite approached the concept of recovery the way I should have been. Recovery is about more than some therapy sessions and a couple of AA meetings a week. Those are all a waste of time, if one does not confront what's at the core. I've decided I need to search out that core; I need to make peace with myself, with all I've done. I need to make my wrongs right, I need to be a peace.

I don't know how long it will take but I have to make a try for it, I have to step outside that cage of safety I've built around myself. I need to recover the girl I once was, I need to find I woman I could have been, and I need to reconcile myself to the fact that I am what I am. I need to accept who I am today. So that the next time that person asks me if I could love myself after all the horrible things I've done, I can say yes and actually believe it.

Love you sis and send little Liam my love too,

Carla

Carla had been in Dublin for a week already when she finally decided to write to Michelle. She walked to the corner post office at noon and mailed out the letter on Friday. She made sure that the post wouldn't get a return address; she didn't want Michelle to come down to Dublin, or enlist Ryan to drag her home. She then walked to a cute little coffee shop in the downtown area and looked at her watch. She was waiting for Liam, Paul, and Michelle's cousin Tom. He had been ecstatic when she called saying that he had been meaning to come visit her for weeks on Coronation Street. He had always had a bit of a crush on her, and babbled how Barry and Helen had gone on vacation to Nice with his parents Serena and Mark for three weeks. He would be house sitting for both his parents and Aunt and Uncle until they returned. This was perfect for Carla, she had had a couple of days to calm down and clear her head and decided she needed to ask Tom a favor.

"Carla darling!"

Carla spun around at the familiar sound of Tom's voice and rushed into his open arms.

"Tommy!"

Tom hugged Carla tight and kissed her cheek. She instantly felt a pinch of guilt. She remembered how jealous Liam had always been when Carla showed any sign of affection towards Tom, even when they were children. Quickly she released herself.

"Shall we?" Carla motioned at the table. She was blushing with embarrassment. Tom was gloating.

"We shall. What are you having? I'm thinking a croissant or a Danish. I've got me a sweet tooth these days."

Carla rolled her eyes, "Your such a weirdo Tom, I swear sometimes I wonder about you."

"I can't help it. I was raised in a house of love after all. My mum was actually a bit sane unlike auntie Helen. All of us turned out carefree in Serena's home. Sorry I am not all hot and bothered like Paul and Liam love."

"Yeah, yeah. I think I'll just get a coffee."

"Okay," said Tom signaling for the barrister. Sometimes his mannerisms reminded her of Paul. "So what brings you back into town? I take it your not here for a little get away vacation. Why'd you want to see me?"

"Well I wanted to know if you could let me into Helen and Barry's house. I mean you have a key and everything and I really just wanted to know if I could take a look at some of Paul's stuff. I've been missing him you see."

Tom squinted his blue eyes trying to shield out the reflection of the outside sun. He was in deep thought.

"I don't know Carla. Auntie Helen may not like that."

"Well Auntie Helen doesn't need to know," Carla turned on her seductive voice. She was willing to do whatever it took to get into that house. She would flirt her way into Tom's heart if she had to. "We can keep me being here a secret, you love secrets Tom."

"Okay, okay you got me but just this once. And you can't take anything, or mess anything about. Auntie is very particular about her things."

"Yes of course. Can we go over there today?"

"Sure, why not. I have to water the plants today anyways."

"Oh I love you Tom!" Carla squealed.

"Don't you forget it." Tom winked at Carla. "Shall we go?"

The drive to the Connor's home wasn't too long. Carla and Tom arrived within minutes of leaving the coffee shop. Tom handed Carla the house key once he stopped his car.

"Now be careful with this."

"I'll guard it with my life," Carla said. Luckily Tom didn't need anymore convincing and went off to water the plants.

Carla approached the front of the house with great anticipation. She felt productive like she was doing something to better her mind. She remembered it like it was yesterday, she was twelve years old and she had made a new friend in Michelle. Michelle insisted she come home with her, Carla hadn't eaten that day at school her mother didn't pack her any lunch and she didn't have money for food. Michelle had been Carla's first and only friend at school since she and her family moved back to Dublin. She had shared some crackers and a banana with Carla. After school Michelle had insisted that Carla come home with her, Carla had tried to make excuses, but Michelle would have none of it. She wanted to show off her new friend to the family. Carla was nervous that day when she approached the house in her worn out clothing and tattered shoes. She had never seen a home so beautiful before. They had a welcome mat that said Home sweet home. The mat was still there Carla could see. She raised the house key and slid it into the lock. Nothing had changed; it was like the house was locked in time.

To the side of Carla was the living room, and the same pictures still stood on the fireplace mantle. There was toddler Paul with baby Liam. Another picture showed Liam and Michelle when Michelle was a baby, and a third showed all three children as young kids around 7,9, and 11 making funny faces for the camera. They were in their swimsuits and out by the lake located at the back of the property. Carla picked it up and smiled. Liam looked adorable as always. She went into the kitchen and saw the engravings that Mrs. Connor had diligently done for each of her children recording their heights as they aged. Carla caressed it, this place felt like a true home. A home she had always wanted to be apart of so badly.

But when she came around that day when she was 12, she was scared. She had never been to a home so nice and clean before. She was just grateful Michelle was not being mean to her, like most of the other children at school. When they entered the front door, Carla waited nervously at the foot of the stairs. Michelle had told her to stay put while she ran into the kitchen to tell her mother she had bought a friend over to play. Carla could hear Mrs. Connor scolding Michelle for just bringing strangers over when she knew the rules. Carla stood as still as a board not wanting to touch or disturb anything, much less dirty it up with whatever it was she may have brought from her mothers home.

Then she saw him, the most beautiful boy she had ever seen staring at her from the top of the stairs. His deep blue eyes were curious almost gentle. Carla felt embarrassed by her dirty yellow dress, she regretted not washing it the night before, but she had never really cared about her appearance until this moment. He continued to stare and Carla felt her cheeks flush. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up.

She can still hear the echoing of childhood voices…

"What are you looking at Liam?" says Michelle reappearing from the kitchen beside Carla; she is glaring at her brother.

"Nothing, god Shelle you are so annoying. You're not allowed to bring friends home on school days."

"Well mummy said I could. Besides she is here already and mummy can't just send her home."

"Does she even have a home?" said a taller boy appearing on the head of the stairs as well. He had lighter brown hair but the same blue yes as the gorgeous boy.

"Shut up Paul!" exclaimed Michelle. "She has a name, and her name is Carla."

Paul ignored his sister, pushing his younger brother out of the way, and heading downstairs towards the kitchen. "Mum Shelle told me to shut up."

"Michelle!" bellowed a shrill voice from the kitchen. "Come here this instance. Oh and Paul where's your brother, you two have football practice at 5:00."

The gorgeous boy with dark black hair took that as his queue and shuffled down the stairs. He stopped in front of Carla, "Don't mind my brother Paul he doesn't have much manners. He can be a right idiot. Anyways my name is Liam, I'm Michelle's older brother."

Carla felt tongue tied as his blue eyes stared intensely into hers.

"C-Carla", she swallowed her throat. "Carla, my name is Carla," she stammered.

"Carla," his lips formed the syllables of her name making it sound extraordinary. "Nice meeting you Carla," and then he turned to his sister oblivious to Carla's nervousness. "You should have more manners and introduce your friends Shell." He headed towards the kitchen to join his brother and mother…

She stood at the base of the stairs almost hoping, maybe even expecting the 13 year old Liam Connor to be waiting for her at the base of the stairs.

Don't be foolish she thought. Couldn't she go one moment without Liam entering her mind, and making her long for him again? She wondered who she had come here for, she had told Tom it was for Paul. That was the truth; she wanted to look through some of his things. When she had gone to his graveside at the beginning of the week, she had had the deep revelation about recovery should be. She had decided to confront her wrongs, and try to make peace with herself. But she wasn't off to a good start, because she hadn't truly been honest coming here, she hadn't done what was necessary to make peace with Paul, she hadn't admitted her love for Liam to him once and for all. She came into this house and the first person she wanted was Liam. Wasn't there something seriously wrong when all she is drawn to in this house has to do with his husband's brother, and not her husband himself? Was there any use in going through Paul's old stuff? What was she hoping to rekindle? Carla didn't know anymore, and she felt frustrated. Damn Liam, couldn't he leave her alone, couldn't he let her love Paul the way he deserved to be? He wouldn't not until she stopped lying about whom it was she loved more. Slowly Carla begins to climb the stairs to Paul's room. It was time to confess the truth.