Carla stands in the doorway of Paul's old bedroom. Helen has kept everything the exact way he left it, like a shrine. His bed is still covered in the brown quilt his nana made for him as a child and Helen has laying out his baby blanket at the foot of the bed. Carla walks over to the bed and props herself down, thinking what she should do, whether she should talk to him. Abruptly she gets up and walks over to his desk, there is a gray sweater draped over it. Carla remembers giving him this sweater when they first became an official couple. She looked down at the sleeve, and smiled when she saw the golden heart pendant she had sewn onto the sleeve. She remembered when he first opened it, Paul noticed the pendant immediately and asked it's significance, she had told him she put the pendant there so that he would always have her heart on his sleeve. That was one of here favorite memories with Paul.

Instinctively she picked up the sweater and sniffed it. It was remarkable how after all this time it still managed to hold his scent, and Carla welcomed it. She engulfed herself in Paul's memory as she hugged his sweater.

"You know I loved you right?" Carla said to Paul as much as she said it for herself. She needed him to know that, she never got the chance to say it before he died. "Always have, always will."

There was that confliction once more, that guilt she felt whenever she said she loved one brother without acknowledging the other. But she needed to make peace; she needed Paul's forgiveness. She could not honestly say she was sorry for loving Liam, Liam was her soul mate, but one doesn't always end up with their soul mate. Sometimes you end up with someone else, and Carla also couldn't say she was sorry for loving Paul. They had built a great life together, how could she forsake everything they were just because Liam consumed her?

"We had a happy marriage didn't we?" Carla talked to air. She had to admit she felt a little silly even crazy, she hoped Tom wouldn't walk in on her like this. She sat down in the chair at Paul's desk caressing his pictures, there were many of the two of them together, and the cute kitten he got her in university. "Sugars," Carla cooed looking at the picture of the kitten fondly. She grabbed the frame off the book it was resting on and the book came tumbling down into her lap.

Slowly she opened it realizing it was Paul's journal. On the backside of the cover Paul's name had been written in by his aunt Serena.

To my darling nephew Paulie pooh bear auntie Serena loves you and wishes you a happy birthday.

P.S. you have always been my favorite nephew don't tell Liam

Carla couldn't help but laugh. Serena did the same message for everyone of her nieces and nephew's gifts. Carla skimmed through the pages looking at various doodles and she pulled out a picture that had been sticking out. It was a beautiful picture that Carla had seen before in Michelle's flat. It was one portrait separated by three horizontal sections and in each section showed the three Connor children. The section at the top was taking when they were very young. They three children have their back to the camera; it is out by the lake on the property. The sun is setting and the sun has the beautiful orangey hue to it. All three siblings are holding hands, Liam and Michelle are grinning at one another and Paul has his right hand acting as a visor on his forehead as he looks out across the lake. The other two pictures are a recreation of the first, only when they are teenagers, and finally when they are adults. Carla looks at with great pride, she loves them all so much. Instinctively she turns it over and sees calligraphy ingrained on the back.

I grabbed a pile of dust, and holding it up, foolishly asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust, I forgot to ask that they be years of youth.
~Ovid's Metamorphoses

To my three beautiful children Paul Michael, Liam Barrington, and Michelle Sinead, I hope you all many years, many birthdays, and a fresh long life.

Love Dad

Carla wanted to cry, this room was calming it put her at ease. It was perfect that she decided to come here, because she needed to cry, and she needed to know that it was ok while she was doing so. She wiped away the tears, and carefully placed the picture on the table. She continued flipping through not really looking for anything and randomly stopped at a page in the journal:

Dad says that's the thing with girls, they grow up and break your heart. But Carla would never break my heart and I am certain that I will never break hers. I told Nan and Michelle that I was going to propose to her a while back, and we went into town today to look at rings. I am not sure what I want to get her just yet, but I am thinking that maybe if I could find something with a golden heart that would be perfect. It would go greatly with our theme since she sewed that golden heart pendant on the sleeve of my favorite grey sweater. It makes everything come full circle and it all seems strangely poetic.

Still somehow dad found out about it, I think Michelle is super excited to have Carla officially apart of the family (even though she has been for years) that she blabbed to Mum. Mum went to dad as these things go, and dad sat me down to have a serious talk about my future, and finishing my education before I make any commitments. But Car and I are practically married already. We share a flat together at Uni in Edinburgh and we just got a cat named Sugars, I explained this all to dad. But he just said that even if I am ready, there is a chance that Carla isn't. He says there is something off about her when we are together, like her heart isn't fully in it. I think it's just mum putting her feelings in his head. I understand they don't want me to get hurt, but I can't imagine my life without anyone else. Carla is my end all be all. Dad says maybe I should take her as my date to Cousin Kara's wedding, I mean that's a giving anyways. But Dad has it in mind that Carla needs to get a feel for weddings and stuff. I guess he is right, she has never really been to one and it there is a chance it could be very overwhelming for her if the first wedding she goes to is her own. She might get all scared and I don't want to scare her off at all, not ever.

Anyways now the whole family knows about it before I was ready to tell them, even Kara and Tom. Michelle and Nan are especially happy, but Liam has been acting a bit strange about it. Kara and Michelle figure it's just cause he doesn't want to lose me to married life, that our dynamic is being shaken up. But that's ridiculous because our trio hasn't been one for years; Carla has been like family for years. If anything Auntie Serena says he should be happy to have Carla as a sister. She would keep him in line, and I completely agree. Liam needs a sister who won't adore him like a lost puppy (no offence Michelle, if you happen to come upon this journal in my room like you did last week).

~Paul

Carla sat in silence. She was at a loss for words; she still wore the ring Paul had given her from time to time around a chain. She had done so out of respect to her marriage to Tony Gordon. He had made his dream come true with the type of ring he wanted to give her, he had made sure it incorporated hearts. His uncle Mark who was an architect helped him with the sketches she remembered, and on the inside of the ring was inscribed,

5:00pm a love that knows know bounds, no limits, remember this moment…

He had such complete faith in her, his love knew know bounds or limits. She had been selfish, she had married him because she loved the way he adored her. Sure she loved him, but it wasn't the passion or electricity she had always felt with Liam. She married him because she was confused, because he was everything Liam wasn't. What was that saying…Was it love, or just something that reminded me of Something that felt a lot like but wasn't love?

Here was the truth, she loved him she loved her husband very much, she adored everything he ever did for her, how he cared and was thoughtful. But she was never in love with him, as much as it pained Carla to realize it, this was the truth. She would remember this moment, it was the moment which would finally set her free, Paul and her both. She closes her eyes and for a moment she thinks she can hear Paul's voice, he is saying thank you.

"Thank you Car, thank you for setting us both free. Now finally we can both be at peace."

Carla cries, and they are tears of endless freedom, tears absent of sorrow and pain only tears of acceptance.

"Thank you Paul," Carla whispers back.

Just then Tom comes in the door way and knocks on the doorframe alerting her. Quickly Carla shuts the journal and briskly wipes away her tears.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Got everything you came for then?"

"I think, but time will tell."

"Maybe I'll let you visit another day before Auntie and Uncle get back. I can't promise though."

"Thank you Tom," Carla smiles up at him reassuring him she will be okay.

"Well I'll be waiting in the Car, come when you're ready."

Tom turns on his heel and heads towards the stairs. Carla looks down at Paul's journal and automatically decides to take it; it will give her peace to continue reading it. It will make her feel close to Paul. She shoves it into her purse and follows Tom out of the room.