Chapter 7

Beneath closed eyes was a world of snow and ice and a lone Borg drone. Seven touched her hair. It was pinned up, like she used to keep it. She didn't remember pinning it up. Then again, she didn't remember coming to this frozen planet either.

Her gaze drifted up to the sky. It was perfectly clear and blue, but there was no visible sun, clouds, or moon. All around her was a desolate plane. Not even mountains or a glacier was visible.

Seven was alone, completely and utterly alone. Her breathing came in short, trembling gasps as she turned in a circle, looking for any sign of another being. It occurred to her that this was all just a dream. She tried to tell herself that, but it did no good. The anxiety built progressively.

Without warning, the scene changed to one she recognized. It was just as bad as the deserted landscape.

He was wearing a red and black captain's uniform. Sweat formed on his forehead as he struggled, dripping down the tattoo on his forehead. His struggles were cut short with a few nanoprobes and he fell to the deck, his body shielded from view by a swarm of drones.

Red eyes glowed in the dark. The blinding green of Borg technology and depressing dark began to pulse, to take on a life of its own. It threatened to consume the whole ship and go far beyond. One heart on the ship sped up with the threat, thumping in ever growing fear of the darkness.

Blue eyes met dozens of red ones. Seven struggled to breathe.

"It's just a dream. It's just a dream," she told herself over and over. It did no good. She trembled as one of the drones came towards her. At first, the Borg's face was blurred by the pulsing lights, the sickly green and red glow casting unnatural shadows on its face.

Seven tried to move, but was rooted to the spot. She tried to look away, but the only thing to see was more drones. Wishing to block the image of metal-infected flesh from her sight, Seven closed her eyes.

The drone's warm breath on her cheek shocked her into opening them again. It was Chakotay, unblinking and accusing in his stare.

Trapped by the horrifying vision of Chakotay as a drone, Seven couldn't look away from him. She wondered how this happened and as though reading her thoughts, the drone of Chakotay answered.

"You did this to me."

Seven forced her eyes to open to the reality of cargo bay two. The bay was empty, occupied just by grey bins and her. Were she not determined to keep her emotions in check, she could have cried. As it was, her throat burned and it took several breaths before she could be certain there were no tears in her eyes.

Trying to think of something comforting, her mind drifted to the real Chakotay. The thought of him safe and well on the bridge calmed her more than any breathing techniques or rationalization.

While she was up, Seven decided to work. No one would know that she hadn't completed her regeneration cycle. Despite the self-assigned tasks, Seven kept looking to the doors. She was debating whether or not to go to the bridge. It was difficult to resist the urge to go see Chakotay in person, but she did.

For the sixth time in a row, she looked at the cargo bay doors. She forced her eyes back to the console, but was abruptly hit with a pain in her left shoulder. She bent over, holding the pained arm as best she could to herself. The Doctor would be able to help with the pain, but it quickly diminished on its own to be replaced with a headache.

Her implants were acting up because of the insufficient rest. She looked at her regeneration unit. With no alternative, she returned to finish off the night in intermitted nightmares.

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Dr. Kal was in the office when Chakotay entered sickbay, looking around like he was searching for something.

"Can I help you, Captain?" Kal called from his desk.

"I'm looking for the Doctor -- the holographic doctor."

"Ah, I see. He's offline right now."

"Thank you." Chakotay moved to stand beside one of the beds while Kal returned to his work. At his request, the computer activated the Doctor.

"Captain, what can I help you with?" Though the Doctor felt the same loyalty for Captain Chakotay as he did for Janeway, he still could not help the tiniest bit of jealousy at the sight of the man who was able to have an intimate relationship with Seven whereas he had been unsuccessful. Of course, he had heard the two were no longer together, but that didn't get rid of his feelings.

"I'd like you to check up on Seven."

"Pardon?" He dropped the hypospray and gave Chakotay his full attention.

"You know her. I've already taken a look at her regeneration unit and she hasn't gone through a complete cycle since we started this mission."

Despite his desire to follow this particular request, the Doctor hesitated. It felt like he was getting between two lovers in a quarrel and no matter how he felt for Seven, that didn't feel right. "Well, I can talk to her, but I don't see why you can't."

Chakotay smiled a little bitterly. "She won't listen to me." It wasn't a lie. He knew well enough that she wouldn't listen to him at this point unless it was an order. He decided not to mention that he just wasn't up to seeking her out yet.

"Thank you." Chakotay turned to leave, but hesitated. "Also, if you could not mention this conversation, I would appreciate it."

The Doctor nodded. "Of course, Captain."

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In the astrometrics lab, Seven tapped a series of controls and the large screen in front of her changed from a star map of the system and into a greatly magnified picture of mud-coloured, densely-packed molecules. Seven didn't recognize the compounds. Each particle was made of several dozen clusters, much too close together to be considered particles from a nebula, but they were.

Like the rest of Voyager's crew and that of the Regulus, she had already spent dozens of hours studying the makeup of the molecules and like her peers, she had been able to discover nothing. Unlike her peers, Seven had not slept or eaten since beginning the study of the complex makeup of the brown nebula.

As she frowned over a particular bit of unidentifiable matter, the Doctor walked in. His forehead crinkled as he quizzically studied the large image on the main screen. The molecule looked more like a virus with tentacles than a cluster of free-floating particulates.

"What is that?" he asked.

Seven sighed heavily and straightened her posture just the slightest bit. She would not let this infuriating nebula get the better of her. Identification of every last element would be finished by the end of the trip even if it killed her. Still, for the time being, she had to admit, "I don't know."

"Pardon?"

"It's a magnified molecule from the Mud Hole, but I -- it is extremely difficult to identify."

"What do you mean? Is it emitting theta radiation?" The Doctor's forehead crinkled even more in his confusion. "Have you compared it to --"

"There is no theta radiation in the sample we collected. I have compared it to everything. It is not a part of any known matter in the galaxy and I still can't figure out what it is. It displays none of the normal characteristics of any matter I've ever seen."

The Doctor stared at the magnification a few moments more then turned his attention to Seven, acting overly cheerful and nonchalant. "Well then, I guess it's time for a break."

Seven hardly glanced at him. "I don't require nutritional supplements at this time."

The tone of voice held the familiar stubbornness of old, but the Doctor was having none of it. "Too bad. You think no one's noticed that you've barely left this room? I have. When was the last time you regenerated?"

Seven was silent.

"That's what I thought. Captain Chakotay asked you to work on this. He didn't say to work yourself to death."

"I'm not," she argued, but it was without much conviction. Her conscience pricked at her as she thought of how Chakotay once would have come to her himself. When they were together, he would always find time to make sure she ate and took time off. It became so much of a ritual in so short a time that she would find extra work just so that he would have to at least call. He knew she did it and she knew that he knew. "I have had more than enough rest."

"No, you're not going to get away with that." Taking her hand, the Doctor's photonic strength won over hers. He managed to pull her all the way to the door before she gave in and followed cooperatively to the mess hall.

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There weren't very many people in the mess hall when the Doctor and Seven entered. In the far side three ensigns with datapads huddled over cups of some steaming beverage. A crewman with small horns on the ridge of his nose and lining the tops of his brows was just taking a seat next to the window. The kitchen was dark and empty. Chell had already cleaned up and headed to bed.

The Doctor allowed Seven to pick where she wanted to sit while he ordered her meal from the replicator. He had ignored her statement that she could get it herself, probably guessing that she would ask for less on her plate so she could get back to astrometrics faster. The Doctor returned with a plate full of various items. He had to move carefully so as not to drop any of the overflowing contents onto the floor.

Trying to be polite, Seven smiled and began to eat as the Doctor chatted away about miscellaneous topics. He had barely gotten into how cramped the sickbay seemed after being on the giant station orbiting Mars when Seven interrupted.

"How did you manage to get away from sickbay?"

The Doctor smiled. "Dr. Kal and I are working opposite shifts. It is only fair and it's not as though we need two doctors round the clock."

"I see."

"Of course, not needing sleep, I thought I should take the time to check up on you. We haven't had time to talk on this trip. You might want to try it. It could help."

"I don't understand." Seven tilted her head. The Doctor gave her a knowing look that unnerved her. Just what did he know about her feelings?

"Talking about what bothers you or what's been causing frustration can help relieve stress, help your mind to reset itself."

"You are talking about my failure to identify the matter making up the Mud Hole."

"Not failure, but yes, that is what I am referring to." The Doctor sighed and put a soft hand on her metal-encased one. "I understand you have conflicted feelings about working with all these new, unfamiliar faces, even if it's just for a short time, but you're working yourself too hard by not taking the time to eat and rest." Seven looked about to retort so the Doctor drew out the argument that always won her over. "Besides not being good for your health, it is counterproductive and inefficient."

Seven grew irritated that the Doctor would go for such a low blow when he knew so little about the situation. He didn't know and couldn't know how being on Voyager was plaguing her. Still, she held her tongue. It wasn't his fault for thinking her problems lay in the social conundrums that were confusing to her a few years ago.

The Doctor continued, perfectly unaware of the growing frustration in his companion. "If you're stressed and not getting sufficient rest, your mind can't focus. You need to relax, even if it is just regenerating for a few hours… and eat."

"And discussing my failure?"

"It's not a failure, just a problem you haven't solved yet, and you never know. You might get some help or inspiration if you discuss it with someone else."

"I see." They were silent for a minute.

She stared at the way his hand covered hers and he stared at the way the lights shone on her hair. Her stomach fluttered as her mind drifted to her time with Chakotay. He had often held her hand much the same way.

The Doctor gulped nervously and once again mourned that she would never feel for him what he felt for her.

"I dream," said Seven quietly.

"Pardon?"

"I… have been having nightmares."

"For how long?"

"A few nights." She thought hard, trying to come up with an explanation that could accurately describe the sensations. "They feel real, but not like it did with Unimatrix Zero." She thought back to the dreams she had experienced when Voyager's entire crew had to be put in stasis. The Doctor didn't know about those.

"I see. Well, as I told you before, dreaming is a normal part of humanity. I understand nightmares are not enjoyable, but they too are considered a means for your subconscious mind to work through what it's experienced during the day."

"It did not feel that way."

"If you're worried about it, I can give you a check up on the way to the cargo bay."

Seven nodded.

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After their meal the Doctor took her to sickbay and scanned Seven from head to toe. He found nothing, but allowed her to use a cortical monitor for the night. The Doctor walked with Seven back to her alcove and bade her a good night when she was settled in. She wished him a good night as well and he left without a second thought. Seven, on the other hand, could not keep her mind steady.

She had followed the Doctor into the cargo bay and allowed him to steer her into the alcove, but she wavered in actually starting the regeneration cycle. Despite the Doctor's assurances and the cortical monitor, the nightmares were still a source of fear. It was too strange and unusual to feel something was real that couldn't be. Every time she settled in to regenerate, she would dream of Borg and every time she woke, she wished for Chakotay. It was difficult to tell which experience was causing more distress.

The fear she felt during and directly after these nightmares paralyzed her. It made her feel weak, which made her feel angry. The Borg were gone. There was nothing to fear. And yet, she couldn't help feeling terrified of starting a regeneration cycle. For the first time in her life, she felt cornered, like a victim.

Still, she needed rest. Pushing her feelings aside, she stepped into the alcove and closed her eyes.

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In the morning, Seven returned to sickbay and informed the Doctor that she had experienced the same dream. He agreed to take a look at the cortical monitor and review his findings over dinner.

At 2000 hours, the Doctor met Seven in astrometrics. "Good news, Seven. I detected nothing out of the ordinary."

"Nothing?" She was relieved, but only for a moment as it dawned on her that without an illness, there was no cure. She would have to continue to dream until her subconscious mind decided to stop.

"Not even a nanoprobe out of place. There were some hormonal changes when you started to dream, but that's normal when experiencing fear or excitement."

"Sickbay to the Doctor," said Dr. Kal's voice over the comm. badge.

The Doctor sighed and gave Seven a long-suffering look, but answered just the same. "Go ahead."

"I could use an extra pair of hands down here. There was a bit of an accident in the lower decks."

"I'm on my way." The Doctor stood and smiled at Seven, who bobbed her head. "Sorry, Seven. I still want you to go straight to your alcove and regenerate after your meal," he said and shook a finger at her. His orders given, he turned and jaunted back to sickbay.

With a sigh of her own, Seven pushed her plate away. There was still over half her meal left, but she just couldn't eat anymore. As for regenerating, that was an unappealing option. It was a problem she had never encountered before… the constant fear of her own mind.

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Harry looked up in time to see Chakotay's head drop to his chest and snap back up. It had been a long day. Chakotay had not taken a break or eaten for most of it and had been withdrawn and brooding for the entire shift. An idea came to Harry. He checked the computer and was pleasantly surprised to discover Seven was already in the mess hall. "Captain?"

It took a moment for Harry's voice to register in Chakotay's tired mind. "Yes, Lieutenant?"

"Sir," he tried to keep his tone as subtle as possible, "I can keep an eye on things for awhile."

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Seven had just decided to return to astrometrics when someone else walked into the mess hall. Unfortunately, neither one saw the other as the doors opened and the result was a full on crash.

"Seven!" Chakotay's surprise was quickly replaced with concern as she held her nose. "I'm sorry, I didn't see you. Are you all right?"

"Yes." She brought her hand away and checked for signs of blood. "I am undamaged."

"Good."

They stood facing each other awkwardly, neither saying anything.

It was Seven who broke the silence in her own fashion. She bobbed her head and moved around him. "I better get back to work."

"Do you have to?"

She raised her brow, looking squarely at him now.

"I'd like some company if you wouldn't mind," Chakotay said with a smile. It took effort, but he kept his tone in control, his expression like it used to be before they dated, like the gentle inquiry of a friend for companionship. It felt like six steps back in order to take one forward.

He watched, curious, as she looked around the mess hall as though she was looking for something in particular. There were only two other people in the mess hall at the moment so Chakotay was confused as to what she could be searching for. Whatever it was, she appeared satisfied if not a little uncertain when she turned back to him.

It was to his great relief that she nodded once and moved to sit down again. Her first inclination was to head for the corner space once more, but Chakotay, after ordering a salad and a tea, steered her over to a seat in the middle where the stars were fully visible.

He didn't eat right away and neither of them spoke for awhile, just observed each other.

"I didn't expect you to be here," said Chakotay. He reached for his dinner as he said it, feeling the silence had gone on long enough.

"Should I not be?"

"Of course you can. It's just that I know you. I thought you would have to be dragged out of astrometrics."

She smiled at that. "I almost did. The Doctor insisted I join him for a meal. I believe he simply wanted company."

"Or to look after you."

Seven smiled. "He is very protective."

"He cares about you, Seven. He wants to make sure you're all right." Chakotay swallowed the lump in his throat, biting down the impulse to admit that was his goal as well. It was too soon for such an admittance. "You know you can talk to me… to any of your friends about anything, don't you?"

"Captain?" That word, that single word carried with it all the tension that Chakotay saw in her. She was not stupid and had sensed the unspoken words. It was already making her nervous. She was sitting back in her seat and had a mixture of confusion and fear in her eyes.

"Seven, I…" It wouldn't have taken much. All he needed to say were three words, but they wouldn't come out. He didn't know if it was because he was afraid or because he knew it was too soon for her to accept such a confession. The look on Seven's face and his own doubts about whether they were meant to be together took over.

He wanted to say that he loved her as more than a friend, more than he thought he could love anyone, that he worried about her because she was no longer with him, because she was drifting away from everyone she knew, because she showed signs of slipping back to a personality that was not her real self, because she was so vulnerable and didn't even know it.

He wanted to say all that and so much more, but swallowed it and said simply, "I want you to take it easy. I know you can solve any problem put before you, but I don't want yourself to get sick over it. Theta radiation is no easy thing to get around."

"I will try to not let you down."

"Good, because I'd hate to have to order you to sleep." He smiled at her and was gratified when one of her own ghostly smiles appeared.

She rose to leave, her movements lithe and somewhat hesitant, as though she could sense there were things unsaid between the two of them.

He didn't stop her, just turned to look out at the stars as he ate, allowing her to return to work. He couldn't help giving her a last smile and teasing her just a little. "Remember, I don't want to have to order you to regenerate."

"I will not allow myself to get sick," she promised with a smile.

Because he was not watching, he did not see the way she hesitated at the door, as though struck by an idea. She practically ran from the mess hall.