Just making it known that I have used a quote from Terrance Malik's the Tree of Life pertaining to nature and grace. Just wanted to cite it and inform readers it is not my own quote. Also warning about the sex scene in this section it is rather graphic.
"My father used to tell me when I was a little girl, there are two ways through life, the way of nature and the way of grace. You have to choose which one you will follow."
Carla had arrived back at the Connor property, dropped in the long driveway; she climbed her way to the front door. The home had suddenly lost its angelic feel it no longer felt welcoming. Helen wore a sneer on her face as she answered the door and motioned Carla in. Carla noted that she had not yet unpacked her suitcases; they remained riddled in the front area at the base of the stairs. This was strange because Helen had always been so tidy.
Still as Carla was motioned into the kitchen, there were no formalities, Helen only directed her to have a seat before she shared with Carla the saying her father told her as a child. Right away Carla felt Helen's judgment cascading upon her. This house had a way of making her feel locked in time and she felt like she was 12 years old all over again, trying to pry herself from Helen's watchful mistrustful gaze.
"My father used to say that to me everyday, and when I had children of my own I told them the same. "
"Why are you telling me this Helen?" Carla said rather pointedly. Helen looked at her with those cold blue eyes, they were so much like Liam's but they had always lacked the warmth and the light.
"Because you think I am the enemy."
"You are Helen, you poisoned my relationship with both your sons, when Paul died you banished me from your home," Carla responded. "Nothing you say, no amount of philosophical quotes is ever going to change that!"
Helen sat with almost a vacant expression on her face, if she had taken anything Carla had said into consideration she showed no signs of it. She continued in her own philosophical narrative.
"Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them, to have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when the entire world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things. But Grace, Grace Carla is much different. It doesn't try to please itself. It accepts being slighted, forgotten, and disliked. It accepts insults and injuries."
There was a silence as Carla took Helen's words in. The kitchen clock chimed in the background and she became entranced, lost in its rhythm.
"I not going to pretend I ever liked you Carla. The first time Michelle brought you to this home, I saw you for what you were. You were a child of nature."
"I was 12," Carla whispered. She didn't know how to react to what Helen was saying. "You didn't even know me, what gave you the right to decide what I was, to make that judgment was unfair."
"You are what you are Carla. And it would be a lie to say I didn't pity you at first. You came from the wrong side of the tracks, couldn't help it that your mum was an addict. You couldn't help that you had no one around for protection. You looked around as a child, and you didn't see any God anyone who cared."
"No one did care. My mother drank, and my brother ran away because he wanted to be anywhere but here."
"And everyone left you, I know your story Carla. My insight for the profound works of literature, the experience, it means I understand your life more then you ever have. Carla you are the nature."
Carla thought of her childhood. There many times she had gone to bed hungry, so many times one of her mum's boyfriends beat her up. She had always cried out in anger during these attacks, wondering why her mother just stood there impassively watching her own daughter being abused. Carla had giving up on God along time ago, he had ceased to exist for her the moment her brother abandoned her and left her to fend for herself. What else had she had to rely on, she had only herself, only she could be counted onto to change her circumstance. She was the nature, because nature had offered her a hand when God wouldn't. She wasn't sorry for wanting to make herself happy at other people's expense, when she was so often shafted. So if that made her absent from God's grace so be it.
"I pitied you for a time Carla," Helen continued. " However I never wanted you to be close with my daughter as you would later become. I saw that you were not well equipped for the world, that you didn't understand that things were not meant to be fair. And then I saw the way my Liam looked at you, he was always a curious little boy. I knew then you had to go, but Barry didn't agree with me. He always took the Catholic notions of charity to a whole other level."
Carla remembered Barry had always been especially kind to her. He was the one who often made sure Carla stayed for dinner and got a decent meal. He was the one who even told Michelle to pack Carla a lunch everyday and bring it to school with her. Barry always made sure she got home safe, and when the school introduced uniforms he had footed the bill for Carla's. He helped her with her homework, and took the time to help her catch up to her appropriate reading level. He was the one who made her belong while Helen glared on with disapproving eyes. Carla assumed now Helen was attempting to explain to her, why she never approved of Carla's presence around her family.
"I watched my three children quickly become armored to the newest addition. I thought that you'd be a novelty that you'd wear off. But then you didn't and I could see you slowly pulling my sons in. For a time Carla, I believed you didn't even know. I mean how could you, you were 12 and didn't quite know the effects that a mysterious female can have on the male psyche. But you figured it out."
"What? You think I planned this all? You think I planned for all the things that happened with Liam and Paul, all the tragedies?"
"Yes Carla I do believe that. It is your very nature which allows you such things."
"I don't believe this," Carla was just about ready to leave.
"Remember when Barry asked you what your favorite literary character was? My husband always enthused for the subject of whom he dedicated 35 amazing years was in complete wonderment of your answer. Do you remember what you said?"
"Daisy Buchanan," said Carla almost immediately.
Helen stared at her triumphantly as though had all proven a point somehow. Then like a walking encyclopedia she quoted The Great Gatsby, "…They were careless people, Tom and Daisy-they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they made."
Carla wanted to laugh, was this the best that Helen could come up with in an attack. "Oh so what? Am I Daisy Buchanan now, was my revelation some self fulfilling prophecy Helen?"
"Yes, you are just as selfish, just as reckless. You've moved through my family not caring what you did to the very people who gave you a chance! You were all about yourself, you only ever wanted to please yourself and have others please you to. You liked the way my boys fawned over you, so much in fact you didn't care if it turned brother against brother. You didn't care if they fell from grace. My boys were such good boys until they met you."
"Helen I feel sorry for you! If that is what you think that I intently went through life trying to ruin your family. I admire the methods you have chosen to try and reveal this to me, and I guess in a strange twisted way it explains you hatred for me. You saw me as the nature that corrupted the grace of your three beautiful children, you see me like I am some sort of demon, Leviathan even. Paul told me that you called me that all the time. You said I was a wriggling serpent always trying to wriggle my way into your family."
"You did!"
"Well congratulations, you did manage to corrupt Liam against me for a time. Your strong emphasis for Christian imagery couldn't be lost on any of your children. You must have been mad when your lecture on nature and grace didn't follow through and they decided to be friends with me anyways." Carla grabbed her handbag, she looked at the kitchen clock, it was time she left for the airport if she wanted to catch her flight and get home to Manchester.
"So when you slept with my son Liam the night before your marriage to my other son Paul, was that by way of nature or by way of grace?"
Carla looked back at Helen, her cold blue eyes angry and triumphant. She had found Carla's weakness the source of her guilt. Carla didn't know what to say, she had known that Helen knew, she had watched in on them and her hatred for Carla only intensified from that moment but she had never once bought it up since that night, at least not until today.
Again Helen spoke, he voice as demeaning as ever, "Tell me Carla, was it by way of nature or by way of grace?"
"What took you so long Ross?" Frank was sitting in his office at underworld when Ms. Lawson Tony Gordon's lawyer came stomping in.
"I got here as soon as I could Frank," Ms. Lawson replied breathlessly. "As you well may know today was a busy day. My client Mr. Gordon has finally been granted bail and is a freeman. Phillip of course stayed back to help with the processing, and before long he shall be living under the care of Doctor Harrington."
"Sounds like everything is in order then. That Mr. Cabot has always been a good sport I must say I admire him a great deal always managing to smile when in the presence of those imbeciles."
"Well one of those imbeciles is still my client Frank, be kind." Ms. Lawson propped her briefcase on Frank's office desk. "Now I have all the papers here you asked for."
"Everything? The deeds, the off shore accounts?"
"Yep," Ms. Lawson handed the briefcase to Frank and he opened it swiftly. He shuffled through the papers.
"Good, you've managed to change the owner of the offshore accounts back under Tony's name. No more Mr. Alexander Benjamin Lawrence."
"Yes sir. So I take it your down with the whole thing then? What do you plan for the future?"
"I don't know yet. Maybe I will travel the world, probably visit my parents, my father is on a archeological dig in Egypt and the last I spoke to my mother she was holed up in some quaint hotel in Florence. She has recently developed the urge to study the history of banking, she is obsessed with the Medici's now."
Ms. Lawson raised an eyebrow, "Wish I could say it sounds enthralling but I can't. I'd rather spend my free time vacationing in Bath."
"My grandfather has a house up there. If you ever want to go just say the word and I'll give you the key Ross."
"Sounds like a bribe for secrecy."
"It may be," Frank winked at her closing the suitcase. "But I have always trusted you Ross. You can't stand Tony either, and anyways when his whole exoneration case goes to shambles you will want to be as far away from all of this as ever. Tony will use anything illegal you may have done to help him and turn it on you. Your license could be in danger."
"But I didn't do anything illegal."
"You knew about it though. You knew about the creation of a fake business partner by the name of Alexander Lawrence that got Carla to accept on bids for shares in underworld, and you knew about the offshore accounts under this created persons name. I think after this moment it is smartest to forget Alexander Lawrence ever existed, in fact after tonight he will cease to exist."
"Well then it was nice having him around while it lasted. Now good day to you sir, and have a wonderful vacation, spend time with the family and whatever else it is you'll get up to. If you have no more use for me, I think I'd better get home to the husband and children."
"Thank you Ross for everything and hopefully we will cross paths from time to time in the future."
"Goodbye Frank."
Ms. Lawson left the office and Frank was bracing for a big night ahead. Slowly he opened his desk up and pulled out a bag, it was time to change clothes and get to work. He quickly put on a sweat suit so different from the dapper look he was used to sporting and slides on a pair of gloves. He looked outside, it was getting dark he had a lot to do and had to act quickly. He grabbed the key that Crawford had giving him, the one for Carla's flat and a pair of pliers the time is near 8:00 pm.
"Okay so were gonna need some crackers and cheese, maybe some apple juice or should I make that orange juice." Maria was in her kitchen, packing a snack bag for little Liam while Michelle hoarded her luggage near the front hall.
"Who cares Maria? You're not going to be able to take it on the plane anyways. Liam can live for a few hours without crackers and cheese. I am sure of it, and besides dearie we have to leave for the airport soon and you aren't even near being packed."
"I thought you said we were leaving around midnight, you know to evade Sally Webster's prying eyes."
"Oh I don't give a toss about Sally Webster or whoever else wants to watch," Michelle said irritably. "Frankly she can watch all night if she wants to. I can't wait to tell Carla about all the nasty things that cow has said while she's been gone. Lets see her try and make time to spy when she needs to look for a job."
"Have a heart Michelle, she has to feed Sophie, Rosie, Sian and Jack."
"Oh whatever," said Michelle rolling her eyes. "Get packing already and what about little Liam?"
"He's sleeping Michelle so don't be a witch and wake him. The packing you keep nagging me about will go a lot quicker if he isn't all up and about."
Michelle had stopped listening to Maria and went to the front window of the adjacent living room. She had moved apart the curtains and was peering out.
"Maria," Michelle beckoned. "Come over her quickly."
Maria rushed over and was just about to turn on the light when Michelle cautioned her not too. She went and peered out the drapes. They were in view of Carla's flat, which had been absent for weeks, but tonight they saw that a light inside was on.
"Strange," said Maria. " Do you think Carla could be back?"
"I don't know. If she was we would have seen her arrive on the street, the gossip would have spread like wildfire."
"Well then who is over at her flat?"
"I don't know Maria, but I intend to find out right now."
Michelle was heading for the door, when Maria grabbed onto her sweater to stop her.
"Are you mad? Michelle it could be dangerous. We should at least call the police first."
"Well I don't have time for that Maria, we have a flight to catch. I just want to take a quick look is all," Michelle removed Maria's hands from her sweater and headed out the door.
For a moment Maria stood staring out into the street, then she grabbed her house keys quickly from the kitchen counter. That damn Michelle was always putting her in compromising situations. Maria went stumbling out of the house to join Michelle.
They were all the things Carla didn't want to remember and she was remembering them all over again like it was yesterday. Helen had practically restrained her in the kitchen chair that Carla was taken aback by the strength of her. She looked deranged almost like she wasn't really present. Carla tried to break free, but Helen wouldn't allow it. Carla finally released that Helen was going to make her relive every moment of her and Liam's betrayal.
Carla tried to break free from under him, but he held her in the chair blocking her passage to freedom. All the thoughts that were going through her head, he knew her, knew what she was afraid of, he knew all the right things to say. She would always love him. His voice was now grave, and as he spoke he said each word with such vulnerability Carla had never witnessed before.
"…I did the most dangerous thing coming here tonight telling you that I loved you. But it had to be done Carla. If I could bring myself here tonight and get through my fear for you, you can get through your fear for me. We're never going to be safe, so are you brave enough or aren't you?"
She wasn't brave enough, but how could she ever tell him so. She didn't want to lose him, but she was being selfish because the very fact that she was marrying Paul tomorrow meant that she would. All she wanted at this moment was to kiss Liam, be with Liam it was what would please her most. She lived for this moment she took what was hers.
He laid her down on the bed carefully removing his shirt. Carla closed her eyes and felt his hands moving up her legs near her thighs. Gently he slid off her underwear after a moment she felt his mouth on hers and she opened her lips nervous at first even a little hesitant before she pushed her tongue in his mouth. She was filled with warmth and the need to hold him, to touch his beautiful skin, dark brown hair. He guided her hands across the terrains of his body; she felt his muscles and his bones she looked at him in marvel. Liam grinned at her, amused by her delicate touch. She raised her body up to press against his and slowly he raised up her nightgown, pulling it gently over her head. His face shone with deep desire and after a moment he lifted Carla's chin and kissed her throat. She whispered his name as he moved his head lower and brushed his lips over breasts.
They were both breathing heavily now, and like second nature Carla grabs for him. She wanted him now and he began to move inside of her. She heard herself give little gasps of excitement and Carla could feel the hotness of his breath, his gasps turning into cries. She felt herself convulsing beneath him, and when she looked into his crystal blue eyes all she think was how perfect they felt together…
She was too exhausted to speak and had no strength to move but she could feel Liam's arms wrapped around her. Carla thought to herself, this is what it should have been. She should be marrying Liam, not Paul. She turned to face Liam, who had been playing with her long black hair. He was beaming, and looking at her with such wonderment, like he was only just now seeing her.
"Hello pretty girl," Liam whispered. His head was flopped on one of the white pillows his dark brown hear as tousled as ever. He grabbed her fingers and kissed them.
Carla giggled she was surprised how cheerful she felt in this moment, she felt alive.
"Stop it Liam," she said playfully. Then she turned serious, "You know you make me want to live to be a hundred."
"I make everyone want to live to be a hundred," said Liam jokingly.
"I'm serious Liam, you make me want to shout from the roof tops and walk old ladies across the road."
"Now that is a sight I'd love to see. As a matter of fact I'd pay to see it." Liam grabbed Carla in another embrace and she felt like she was in heaven, like nothing could ruin this moment. But then just as she had felt some elation, the guilt overcame her…Paul.
What have I done? Carla thought and then she burst out into tears. Liam began to kiss her tears away, but it became unbearable.
"Baby girl why are you crying? I hate to see those tears, you know that."
"Liam please don't."
"Don't what? Stop kissing your tears, or something else?"
"Please don't make me say it," Carla whispered. "Please don't make me say it."
But without saying it, Carla had made it clear to Liam that she was still going to marry Paul that she still didn't trust that he could take care of her completely. She felt the distance growing between them, slowly creeping out into oblivion. Liam let out an almost callous laugh he was clearly wounded.
"After all of this, after all of THIS and you still choose him?" His voice was cracking and he was on the brink of tears. Carla herself was unable to stop hers from flowing.
"He's your brother, my fiancé. What do you expect me to do Liam?"
"How about not marry him after you gave yourself to me."
"I don't want you to hate me Liam, but I can't have him hate me either."
Liam was now reaching for his boxers and sliding them on. "You know I can't believe I ever thought I'd have a chance. I can't believe I thought things would be different!"
"Liam," said Carla almost pleading, she was surprised by his indignation.
"You once told me that I had you and I gave you away, chose others and that that was the reason we couldn't be together. But tonight, tonight just proves that I never had you Carla, not truly. I mean I came here fighting for you tonight."
"I love you, but I feel things for Paul too. I'm confused."
"You're not confused, not at all. In fact I am certain you like it sometimes. You like having Paul and me both. You know what you want, you know the risks that are involved but you're too scared. You'd rather spend your life in a loveless marriage lamenting on what could have been." Liam now grabbed his shirt. "While here is a little memory for you to remember me by, How's that? You can relive it over and over in your world of fear and regret Lock it in time if you really want to."
"It isn't all my fault!"
"You're right, some of this is mine to. I let you get all these ideas in your head; I was selfish I played my games. But the difference is I grew up! I saw something I wanted slipping away and I was prepared to fight for it."
"You grew up Liam! I am pretty sure you are still screwing Olivia, wherever she is at the moment. I'm marrying Paul, I have to marry Paul. It makes no difference now. It doesn't matter what I feel, or what I say, I'll never make right with anyone. I'm just asking you to accept my decision and not hate me."
Liam made his way to the door but turned one last time cupping Carla's cheek in his hand. "Go on get married to him then, see how long the marriage will last. Just know that you will never feel this way about anyone else. You will go to bed missing me and wake up wishing I was there."
The tears were flowing down Carla's face once more.
"I don't hate you Carla, I could never hate you. I just sad for you, I wonder what could have happened to you in your life to make you feel like this decision is the only way out."
Liam opens the door and walks down the hallway, Carla watches him go fearing she has lost him for this time.
Then she turns back in the direction of her room and from the other side of the hall she sees Helen Connor staring at her with narrow blue eyes, she knew everything.
"So tell me Carla was it by way of nature or by way of grace?"
Carla bought herself back to reality once more and was staring into the narrow blue eyes of Helen Connor.
"By way of nature or grace Carla? I'm not letting you go until you admit the selfish thing you did to my son Paul."
"By nature," whispered Carla. She could feel the tears forming in her face.
"Oh you're ashamed now?" Helen said in a mocking tone. "Why is that?"
"Because, I never meant to hurt Paul. I did care about him." Carla was now rocking back in forth in the chair to steady herself. She was convulsing and shaking uncontrollably. " I feel ashamed because he never knew, to think Paul never knew."
"Oh Carla," Helen's voice was deadly and full of so much hatred and spite. "That's where you're wrong."
Carla stopped crying almost immediately she felt the blood drain from her body.
"What do you mean?"
"He knew, I finally told him. I couldn't keep that secret from him any longer. Especially when he came to me and told me he was going to try for a baby. He didn't believe me that day, remember that week you all had come down to Dublin. And everyone went out for dinner, Michelle, Tom, Ryan, Kara , Andrew, and our Tom. Everyone met Serena and Mark at the restaurant and Paul came late."
"What did you tell him?" Carla could feel her sorrow turning into anger.
"I only told him the truth, that you and Liam were at the house together alone and that he better check up on you."
"He died!" Carla shouted before convulsing into sobs once more.
"No not when he was on his way there. He died on his way from the house after he had seen something; I think you know exactly what I am talking about. So herein lies the answer you have so desperately sought all these years as to why I hate you."
"I don't understand."
"Your so willfully blind it's sickening. You stole my sons diary you can read about it all in there."
"Now Helen, I think I given you enough time to have your fun." The old town car driver had entered the kitchen he was dressed in different attire. "I think it is time for her to join the others."
"NO! I'm not done yet, she doesn't understand and I need to make her!"
"The girl is visibly shaken. You can take a rain check."
"What is going on? Who are you and where are you taking me? What others are you talking about?"
The old man looked at Carla with his grey stoic eyes.
"Now miss, don't make me chloroform you."