Thanks to everyone for the kind reviews. I truly appreciate it. Hopefully you'll like this chapter.
And I am sorry it took so long to update. That will likely be the case moving forward as I am just not very far ahead in writing yet.
Just a little "heartbreak" warning for this chapter – things between Hotch and Reid do not get resolved all at once. It will be a process for both of them and in this chapter Reid tries to push Hotch away again … at least in the beginning.
xxx
Reid slept through the night without a single nightmare for the first time in weeks and woke up late the next day in Hotch's guest room. After a moment of confusion the events of the previous night rushed back in and he could feel a flush of shame creep up his face. Groaning he checked the clock and was surprised that it was almost eleven. Typically he did not sleep this long and typically Hotch would not let him either. Hotch! Reid just wanted to hide beneath his covers remembering how he cried in the older man's arms the night before.
How could he have let this happen again? Hotch was his boss and that should be all. He could not allow himself to get close like that again or he would inevitably have another Gideon situation on his hands. And that was simply unacceptable. Determined Reid sat up – noticing that his backside was just slightly sore – it was time to do some damage control. Somehow he had to convince the older man that he could deal with things himself and did not need anyone to hold his hand. With a little pang in his chest Reid realized that in reality it would be very difficult to stay off the drugs on his own. He'd failed the last few weeks. And last time he definitely would not have made it without Gideon. Sighing again he pushed the feelings away that threatened to overcome him just thinking about Gideon leaving. Berating himself for being such an emotional mess he got up and sat down at the little desk. He needed to make sure Hotch would stay off his case.
Twenty minutes later Reid left the room fully dressed and found his boss at the kitchen table sipping coffee and reading the newspaper. A delicious smell came from the oven but Reid barely noticed. He cleared his throat to get the older man's attention. When Hotch looked up he saw a pale but determined looking Reid standing in the doorway clutching a piece of paper. Softly he said, "Good morning Spencer. Did you sleep well?"
The young agent nodded and answered, "Yes sir. I was wondering if you have a minute?"
Hotch put his newspaper down and gestured for Reid to sit across from him. The young man walked over to the table but remained standing almost at attention. He put his piece of paper in front of his boss and said, "Sir, yesterday you said that you wanted to talk to me about the rules in place for me. I wrote them all down here to show you that I haven't forgotten any. I realize that I have not followed them very well and I apologize for that. I understand that I don't deserve to be a BAU agent … Sir, if you wish for me to leave the team I will hand you my letter of resignation first thing on Monday..."
At this point Reid had to swallow to prevent his voice from getting hitched and betraying the emotions he felt at offering his resignation. When he saw Hotch stare at him with an unreadable expression he pushed his feelings away again and continued in a monotone voice, "Sir, if you allow me to stay on the team I assure you that I will not cause any trouble anymore. I will apologize to the team and I am prepared to take any punishment you see fit. If you give me five minutes I will get out of your hair so you can enjoy your Sunday. I am truly sorry for all the problems I have caused and it won't happen anymore … Sir? …"
Reid trailed off not sure what else to say and slightly disturbed by the way Hotch looked at him. He could not see anger in his expression but sadness and disappointment. Reid was confused. Why would Hotch be disappointed? Didn't he just apologize and take responsibility for his actions like a man?
The older agent sat in his chair and had to fight the temptation to get up and shake his young charge. Apparently it was 'two steps forward one step back' with the boy. He didn't need to be a profiler to understand what Reid was doing. The monotone voice and passive stare, calling Hotch 'Sir' instead of using his name – the kid was trying to distance himself from his feelings and build the walls back up that he had so firmly in place when he first joined the BAU. Back then Gideon's fatherly love helped him come out of his shell and now Gideon was gone. It wasn't that Hotch couldn't understand the young man but he could not allow him to go down this road. Maybe some old fashioned 'tough love' was in order.
Wordlessly Hotch stood up and had to stifle a wince at the way Reid flinched away from him. He took him by the upper arm and steered him back to his room.
Reid expected to be spanked again but he was confused as to why Hotch would do that unless he though Reid was lying to him and didn't mean his apology. Devastated the he realized that he had probably lost the older man's trust completely. Maybe he didn't deserve to be trusted but he was surely not about to take another spanking without at least trying to talk his way out of it. "Please sir … I meant it. I wasn't playing you. It's the truth." He begged and struggled against his boss's hold.
Hotch stopped and looked at him, "I know, Spencer," he said sadly, "I know."
Now Reid was even more confused. If Hotch believed him why would he spank him. The confusion was cleared somewhat when they entered the room and Hotch walked him past the bed to the desk and sat him down. Putting paper and a pen in front of Reid the older agent instructed quietly, "For every rule you wrote down I want you to list at least two reasons of why we decided on it. When you are done please come out again, I have a few things to say to you. And Reid, I am done with offering you my help, I … ."
Reid did not hear any more of what Hotch said after that nor did he realize when his boss left the room. He felt as if he'd been stabbed with a knife of ice. Hotch was done with offering his help? Hotch was done with him? In a way it was exactly what he had wanted but knowing that it took so little to push the older man away hurt badly. Obviously he didn't really want to help in the first place. Reid tried to numb the pain inside and picked up the pen to do as he was told but his hand shook too badly.
After another minute he could not control himself any longer. Tears streamed down his face. He quickly walked over to the bed and grabbed a pillow to muffle his sobs. The last thing he needed was Hotch coming back finding him crying like a baby over something he deserved. Why would Hotch want to help him anyway? Reid had told him in so many ways that he didn't want it. He had only himself to blame that Hotch took him up on it. Reid tried to stop crying but just couldn't. He thought back to when he first met Gideon. The man never had and never would have allowed to be pushed away like that but he was gone. It was time for Spencer to accept that his surrogate father would not be coming back and that he was alone.
Then Reid realized that Hotch might very well take him up on his offer to resign from the BAU and then he'd truly have nothing in his life. Devastated he cried even harder. He wanted to shoot up so bad and just forget about everything. he'd be allowed to leave soon. He didn't have anything at home but it wouldn't be a problem to just go straight to the office to get his emergency vial. Reid knew it was suicide to keep drugs in the office but it sort of just happened that way. Two weeks ago when he got in trouble with Hotch he was afraid that the older man would search his bag so he just stashed it in a locked box in his desk and never took it out. He really didn't want to use again but Reid knew if he was on his own right now he would not be able to fight it. Feeling like a failure he continued to sob.
Hotch stood outside the door with tears in his eyes. He fully knew what he had just done to the young man he cared so much about. But he desperately needed Reid to realize for himself that he needed help and that he wanted Hotch to be there. Otherwise, they would not be getting anywhere and he had the feeling that they had a long road ahead. After almost ten minutes of listening to his youngest sob Hotch wiped away his tears and walked quietly back into the room.
He sat down next to Reid and tried to gather the boy in his arms. But when Reid registered Hotch's presence he jumped up with a horrified look on his face. He quickly wiped away the tears and started apologizing, "I am sorry, Sir. I will what you said right away. I am sorry for acting like this. Please just give me a couple minutes and I'll be done." Quickly he made his way to the desk.
"Reid!" Hotch stopped him in his tracks, "please come back here." Reid turned around with a panicked expression. Would Hotch lecture him for crying like a baby? Or even spank him for not doing what he asked? Resigned he went back to the bed still trying to compose himself.
Hotch gestured to the space to his right and softly instructed, "Please sit down, Spencer." Relieved that his boss seemed to have no plans on lecturing or spanking – at least for the time being – Reid did as he was told his eyes downcast. Hotch turned to him and placed a finger under his chin to make the young man look up, "Are you ready to listen to me, Spencer?"
Startled by the soft words and the remnants of tears Reid could see in the older man's eyes he nodded.
"Okay, first of all, when I said 'I am done with offering my help' the operative word was 'offering'. For the next few weeks I will take away your choice of accepting or declining my help. I will simply help you and you will let me. And you will allow Morgan to help as well. Together we will make things right. We'll make sure you have the cravings under control and feel better again. Do you understand?" Hotch explained matter-of-factly.
Reid felt a wave of relief wash over him. Hotch hadn't given up on him after all and would probably not fire him. A new batch of tears started to stream down his face and a quiet sob escaped his lips. He turned away horrified and wiped his eyes, "I am sorry for crying. Please don't hate me."
"Spencer, you know it's okay to cry. What is it with the tough guy attitude lately?" Hotch asked slightly exasperated.
Reid tried to hide his face in his hands, "I don't know."
"Spencer!" Hotch could put so much meaning in just his name so Reid felt forced to answer, "I am not sure … I guess I don't want you to know how weak I am. I know I am being bad and I don't … " Reid started to cry even harder.
Hotch was a bit puzzled. 'Being bad'? Those were the words of a child. He gathered the boy in his arms and this time Reid didn't resist, "Spencer, you aren't bad and it is okay to cry. Just let it out."
"No it's not." Reid protested.
"Why?" Hotch simply asked.
Reid looked at him with tear stained cheeks genuinely puzzled by the question, "Why? … He said … "
"Who is he?" Hotch tightened his hold of the boy.
"Father." Reid could not help it but put his head against Hotch's shoulder.
"Your father said it was bad to cry?" Hotch inquired hoping to get a bit more of an explanation.
"Well … it's stupid really … when I was ten I fell off my bike and everyone laughed at me and when I started crying he send me away and said I was too old for that and needed to stop. And that night I heard him telling my mom he wished I was more like a 'real boy' … and a week later he left. I had forgotten about that. I never remembered much from the time my parents separated ..." Reid sobbed against Hotch's shoulder.
"And this is all coming back now because Gideon left?" Hotch asked softly.
Reid nodded against him. Hotch sighed, "I am so sorry, kid. I wish I could take that pain away but listen to me. Your Dad didn't leave because you cried or weren't 'a real boy'. He left because he was a weak man. Maybe what he really meant was that he wished for a son he could relate to and share things with. That isn't a bad wish for a grown up to have but it isn't right or fair of him to make you feel like you are in any way inadequate for not being that son. You are a great young man that any father would be proud of. Gideon was and I am."
"You are?" Reid looked up shocked and clearly doubtful, "but I have been so bad."
"Yes I am, Spencer." Hotch smiled a bit at him, "You might have acted badly and you will not escape your punishment for that. But you, young man, aren't bad. You are just going through a tough time and need some help. Which brings me to my next question. Did you understand what I told you earlier? That I will be the one helping you and for the time being I am taken away your right to refuse that help?"
Reid looked at him with a thoughtful expression, "What if you leave? I know you say you won't but what if Strauss forces you?"
"Spencer, I told you yesterday I can't promise you that things like that won't ever happen. But it really doesn't matter. Even if I have to work somewhere else I can still be there for you and I will. Spencer, I am not sure how you feel but I think of you as family … and I am not trying to take Gideon's place in your life … I just want you safe and happy, okay?" Hotch explained softly.
Reid looked at him confused. Hotch thought of him as family? The young man just yearned to believe him, hoping to not feel so alone anymore and wishing he could just say yes and allow Hotch to take over for a while. He was tired ... tired of feeling rotten, tired of fighting the cravings and tired of trying to figure out what to do. But there was still this nagging doubt. What if Hotch left him also? He believed that the older man didn't plan on leaving but Gideon didn't either … and yet it happened.
Desperately he shook his head and whispered, "No, you can't … I can't … please, Hotch." In reality he wasn't even sure what he was pleading for.
Hotch saw the internal struggle in his young charge and sighed. He pulled Reid closer and said, "Not your choice, kid. I will and you will and that is that. Just stop fighting it."
"But what if I leave the BAU or if I do something so bad that you fire me?" Reid asked in tears not ready to give up yet.
The unit chief could see that Reid wasn't trying to challenge him. He was just worried about being deserted again. So Hotch carefully said, "Spencer, if you truly don't want to be a BAU agent anymore I will support you in whatever it is you want to do instead. But that doesn't change anything else. And as for doing something so bad that I'd have to fire you, I can't really imagine that you are capable of that. Don't get me wrong - you are capable of doing things that will land you in plenty of hot water with me and might leave you unable to sit for a while but not more than that." Hotch smiled a bit sadly at him.
"You don't know that." Reid cried.
Hotch sighed and lifted him up just enough to plant two smacks on his behind, "Spencer, it's enough. Just trust me and do as you are told and this becomes a lot easier for all involved."
Reid wasn't really convinced but he wanted to believe Hotch so bad that he didn't argue anymore. Instead he whispered a soft, "Okay" and soaked up the comfort of the physical contact. For the moment it didn't really matter that Hotch would probably leave him too in the future. All that mattered was that right this second he wasn't alone.