What Is True And What Is Not
Everybody's a mad scientist and life is their lab. We're all trying to experiment to find a way to live, to solve problems, to fend off chaos. David Cronenberg
Santana shuffles through the McKinley Highschool, her eyes fixed on the ground and her shoulders slumped. She is totally exhausted as she can't sleep properly anymore since Brittany has been committed.
"Hey Lopez, what's up?", Noah Puckerman shouts to her cheerfully and nudges her shoulder amicably.
"Fuck off, Puckerman!", Santana snaps at him bitterly. "If your ugly visage is precious to you I would advise you to leave me alone or I smash it for you!"
"Okay, okay!", Puck says placatingly and backs off. "But you really need to stop being so moody. It slowly loses its appeal!" He winks at her suggestively, then he disappears around a corner.
At that moment Quinn walks up to Santana and lays her hand on her arm to calm her down. "Hey, don't vent your frustration on the poor boy. It's not his fault you feel so miserable."
"Shut up, Fabray. It's none of your fucking business on whom I vent my frustration!", Santana snarls fiercely.
"Oh, you are wrong, Santana. It is my business because you are my friend.", the blonde reminds Santana sharply. "For one week you have been running around looking like a ghost, hardly speaking to anyone. I know you miss Brittany but she wouldn't want you to end up like this."
"Don't speak about her as if she is dead! She is not dead!", Santana roars furiously.
"I know, Santana.", Quinn answers calmly, completely unimpressed by Santana's temper. "And Brittany and I may not be as close as you two are but nonetheless she is my friend as well. I worry about her, too!"
Suddenly all strength seems to drain out of Santana and she supports herself against the wall of the corridor with one hand as if fearing that she might fall down otherwise. All her venom fades away and leaves behind a suffering, vulnerable teenage girl. "I know.", she mumbles feebly.
"Would you finally tell me what is up with Brittany?", Quinn asks gently, but insistently.
Santana nods. "I don't really know much, I don't even know how she is right now because they forbid me to visit her in the mental hospital. The doctors only say that she has been diagnosed with severe chronic hallucinatory psychosis and that she needs distance to her old life so that she can overcome her mental illness."
Quinn puts her arm around Santana, silently offering comfort. The always so tough Latina tries hard to keep the tears from falling while speaking. "You know, I never thought of the possibility that Brittany could be mentally ill. I always thought of her as different, special, and that as long as I looked out for her she would be okay. I never imagined that her visions could harm her. But they did, twice... and I didn't protect her. I couldn't. It makes me feel so powerless... I failed her."
"It's not your fault, Santana.", Quinn tried to soothe her friend. "Nobody could have known. Nobody can expect you to recognize something like that. Brittany certainly didn't."
Santana sighs heavily. "I just want her back so badly. I'm so lonely without her."
"What about me? You still have me!", Quinn jokes, pretending to be offended.
Santana gives her a small smile, but it doesn't reach ber brown eyes. Quinn sighs, she knows exactly that nothing can lighten Santana's mood right now, only the one thing she can't have: Brittany. The two stay silent for a few seconds. Then Santana says doubtfully: "I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that she's in that hospital. She has to be so scared and alone..."
"Maybe they can really help her there.", Quinn suggests, hope swinging in her voice.
"Yeah, maybe.", Santana answers tonelessly. "But it's also possible that they hurt her even more. They don't know her the way I do. Nobody does. She needs me to protect her..."
Quinn ponders for a moment before stating firmly: "Santana, I don't think this is about something you can help her with. You said yourself, you failed at that before. I think this time Brittany has to help herself. This time she can't rely on you, no, she needs to find the strength to heal by herself. Only if she manages that she can return to you as a whole human being."
They lock her up in an empty, bleak room with white walls that has no furniture in it apart from a small, hard bed. Several doctors visit her, examine her closely and tell her things, but she doesn't listen to them. They try to get her to talk, to open up to them but Brittany vehemently refuses to speak. She also refuses to move, she only lies motionlessly on her bed, enduring the medical inspections indifferently while staring blankly at the ceiling. She just waits for the time to pass and for someone to come and save her. Santana.
They try to make her eat and drink but Brittany has no appetite and as soon as she has swallowed something she throws it up again. After two days of having barely drunk anything and having eaten nothing at all (well, at least not having kept it down) they put her on a drip-feed so she doesn't starve or die of thirst. Brittany is completely numb. She doesn't feel anything, no pain and no sadness.
They begin with her treatment and inject, every morning and every evening, medicine into her left upper arm with big scary syringes. At first it doesn't change anything, though: She still sees things, even more than usual, and while they sometimes scare her she is mostly thankful for them distracting her from the desolateness that has become her life.
Nobody of her family or friends visit her. Not even Santana. Brittany desperately clings to the thought that they want to but are not allowed to.
After two weeks the effects of the medicine set in. Slowly, the creatures and shapes and things that once seemed so overwhelmingly real to Brittany fade away like small spots of dirt in a heavy rainstorm. The beings of The Other Side that have been her constant companions for all these years disappear one after another until they leave nothing but emptiness and crushing loneliness behind.
Another week later Brittany can't stand the silent void around her anymore. When a doctor comes in to check on her she sits up jerkily. She is weak from the sparse nutrition and consists of nothing but skin and bone; her ribs jut out unnaturally. Her voice is hoarse after the long time of keeping quiet, but still she yells at the incoming doctor as loud as she can: "Where are they? What have you done to me? Make them come back, I can't bear this!"
The female doctor smiles widely at her, her eyes sparkling mischievously. "Oh, who would have thought, you can speak after all!"
Brittany gapes at her, dumbfounded. Then she frowns. "I don't understand...", she says miserably. "The pucks and fairies and unicorns, they are all gone..."
"I know this is confusing, sweetie.", the woman says compassionately. She is middle-aged and has long brown hair. "But you are on antipsychotics and they suppress the hallucinations."
"Hallucinations?", Brittany asks, distressed. "I don't have hallucinations! They are real! They are my friends and my refuge!"
The woman approaches her carefully but Brittany flinches away. "Your name is Brittany, right? Listen to me, Brittany. My name is Dr. Caroline Kingsley. I really want to help you but in order for me to do that you have to allow me to!"
"No, no, you don't help me at all.", Brittany contradicts vigorously. "You took them away from me!"
"Brittany, you may think you need them, but you don't!", the woman, Dr. Kingsley, tries to convince her calmly. "Look at all the other people in this world; they don't have these visions either and nonetheless they live happy lives."
Brittany has to admit that her reasoning sounds logical. Still, it can't take away the pain in her chest, telling her that she is not complete without them. "But I miss them! Everything is so dull and empty without them..."
Dr. Kingsley slowly reaches out to Brittany and the blonde reluctantly allows the doctor to grab her hand and squeeze it. "You have a family and friends who love you. Your life is not dull and empty. You are not alone."
Tears spring to Brittany's eyes. "But why don't they visit me then?"
Dr. Kingsley smiles. "Because they are not allowed to. This is a closed institution, visitors are only allowed to special occasions. But your parents call every few days to ask after you, and I know exactly that this Santana you always mumble about under your breath would love to see you. She has called non-stop for the last few weeks and even showed up at the hospital a few times. She is incredibly insistent! Unfortunately, we are not allowed to give her information about you as she is not a family member, but it became obvious that she cares a lot about you."
At the mention of Santana's name Brittany's eyes automatically light up.
Dr. Kingsley laughs quietly. "It seems to me that we have found your crutch on the way of healing. I have noticed that every patient here has something like that, someone or something that keeps them going even in the darkest of hours."
Brittany smiles genuinely at the doctor's words. "Yeah, that's Santana for me.", she breathes out.
The next few weeks Brittany slowly recovers. She can eat and drink on her own again and is taken off the drip-feed. The better she eats the more weight she gains and the stronger she becomes. She takes her medicine regularly and although it is still terribly unfamiliar for her not to constantly have her magical fellows around, she notices that the medicine also has positive impacts. Her thoughts aren't so confused and hazy anymore, her head is clearer and things like memorizing her timetable suddenly is a simple task. For the first time in her life she can trust her own skills instead of having to rely on others. She has therapy sessions and does exercises for school so that she doesn't stay behind. Life goes on.
Eventually, Dr. Kingsley announces: "Brittany, I'm proud of you. You have made incredible progress in the last few weeks. Now it's time to get back to your normal life and get used to everyday life in your new condition."
Fear fills Brittany at the thought of being confronted with her parents, she lost all trust in them. But Dr. Kingsley promises that she doesn't have to live with them anymore. She found a place in an institution for assisted living for Brittany. And when she has finished school, Brittany imagines, Santana and her can move to New York or Boston or wherever they want to. Oh, Santana. Brittany looks forward to seeing her little sister again, and Quinn and the other Glee Kids. Most of all, however, Santana.
Brittany looks up as someone knocks on the door of her room and Dr. Kingsley comes in after having left for a few minutes. "As a reward for your hard work", Dr. Kingsley tells her smilingly, "I have a surprise for you."
The door to Brittany's room opens wider and someone enters cautiously. "Santana!", Brittany squeals, overwhelmed with happiness, as she recognizes the black-haired beauty in front of her. Without hesitating she jumps into Santana's arms and hugs her exuberantly. She closes her eyes and relaxes into Santana's hold the way she has already done a thousand times. Nothing in her life has ever felt so right as this infinitely relieving moment of being reunited with her soulmate after having been apart for much too long. Santana and her belong together like two halves of a whole, forever. In Santana's arms she feels home.
Santana clutches Brittany tightly. "Hey Britt, I've heard you are better.", she murmurs softly.
"I'm so incredibly glad to see you, San.", Brittany tells her fervently, their bodies adamantly pressed together. "Yes, I'm much better. How have you been doing without me?"
"Honestly?", Santana asks and contorts her face somberly, separating the two of them just enough so that they can look into each other's eyes. "It was terrible without you. I swear, Kurt has never worn so gaudy and ugly clothes when you were still there. And you won't believe it, but Rachel's ramblings have become even more boring and her voice even more piercing.", Santana recounts mockingly. Then her voice becomes serious and urgent. "Britt, you can never ever leave me again, do you hear me?"
Brittany smiles brightly. "I don't plan on it."
They walk down the corridors of the institution while continuing to talk. Brittany tells Santana everything that has happened with her. Finally, she says doubtfully: "I've had these hallucinations as long as I can remember. I've never known a world without them, they were an essential part of me. For everyone I have always been the dumb blonde who says funny things but mostly lives in her own world. Who am I when I don't have that anymore?"
Santana looks at her, her eyes full of confidence, and states simply: "You are the girl I love."
Brittany returns Santana's look intensively. Eventually, she nods. "Okay." And then she laughs, for the first time in weeks, lustily, light-heartedly. Santana smiles beatifically at the sound, and hand in hand the two girls walk out of the mental hospital.
Outside, in the open street, Santana halts. She grasps Brittany's face in her hands and kisses the blonde passionately, love radiating from her in powerful waves. When Santana's soft, warm lips touch hers Brittany feels fire stream through her veins. But it's not a scorching fire, it's an invigorating one. Brittany's arms wind around the Latina's waist and the two melt into each other as if never wanting to part again.
Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. James Arthur Baldwin
Hey guys, thank you for reading! Initially, this was supposed to be the last chapter. But please let me know if you are interested in a continuation!