Chapter 10: Alex Czarnecki and the Quest for the Holy Grail (Part 1)

I just stared at her with my mouth agape with an "are you retarded?" look on my face. As it turns out, the others were let in just as she said that and let's just say that it was a little awkward.

"Excuse me, did I hear that right? Did you say you're his MOTHER?" asked a just as confused as I am Rainbow Dash. "Um I think she did" I reply still unable to move. "Just please calm down and let me explain" said the princess and we all sat down and prepared for story time.

WARNING THE FOLLOWING SECTION CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED

"It all started about 13 years ago when I was depressed about how I was going to go through another winter wrap-up that was running late and I had a few too many drinks" She stopped as if to recollect the memories "I was at the bar when a dashing colt walked up next to me and we started talking. The next thing I remember is lying in bed alone feeling sticky in that area (you know what I'm talking about) and 4 weeks later out comes Alex. I can't let people know so I use my magic to teleport to another dimension and as fate would have it, here he is again"

CONGRATS YOU SURVIVED.

I tried to wrap my head around it when Princess Luna speaks up from behind us "I have something to say" "what is it sister?" asks Celestia a little surprised. "I've been researching these "RASP" people and I found that the only way to truly kill them here is to use the blood of a foul tempered rodent pour over your weapons from the Holy Grail." "I see where this is going" I say before sighing.

Our first stop is a castle that I know all too well.

ALEX: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!

GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?

ALEX: It is King Alex, and these are the Knights of the Round

Table. Who's castle is this?

GUARD: This is the castle of Our Master Guy de Loimbard

ALEX: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God

with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the

night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...

Uh, he's already got one, you see?

ALEX: What?

RARITY: He says they've already got one!

ALEX: Are you sure he's got one?

GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To Other Guards] I told him we already got one.

OTHER GUARDS: [Laughing]

ALEX: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?

GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!

ALEX: Well, what are you then?

GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you

silly king!

RARITY: What are you doing in Equestria?

GUARD: Mind your own business!

ALEX: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle

by force!

GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your

bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called

Alex-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!

RARITY: What a strange person.

ALEX: Now look here, my good man!

GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal

food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother

was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

RARITY: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

ALEX: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)

wha?

GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)

[moo]

ALEX: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-

[twong]

[mooooooo]

Jesus Christ!

After a few moments of mass hysteria we were forced to run away. As we trotted away, utterly disheartened by the ferocity of the French taunting we come across another castle and I see someone so I tell the others to stay back as I rode up.

ALEX: Old woman!

FANCYPANTS: Man!

ALEX: Old Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?

FANCYPANTS: I'm thirty seven.

ALEX: What?

FANCYPANTS: I'm thirty seven - I'm not old!

ALEX: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.

FANCYPANTS: Well, you could say `Fancypants'.

ALEX: Well, I didn't know you were called `Fancypants.'

FANCYPANTS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

ALEX: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind

you looked-

FANCYPANTS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!

ALEX: Well, I AM king...

FANCYPANTS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By

exploitin' the workers - by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma

which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!

If there's ever going to be any progress-

WOMAN: Fancy, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh - how d'you do?

ALEX: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

Who's castle is that?

WOMAN: King of the who?

ALEX: The Britons.

WOMAN: Who are the Britons?

ALEX: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.

WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous

collective.

FANCYPANTS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.

A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-

WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.

FANCYPANTS: That's what it's all about if only people would-

ALEX: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives

in that castle?

WOMAN: No one live there.

ALEX: Then who is your lord?

WOMAN: We don't have a lord.

ALEX: What?

FANCYPANTS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take

it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

ALEX: Yes.

FANCYPANTS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified

at a special biweekly meeting.

ALEX: Yes, I see.

FANCYPANTS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-

ALEX: Be quiet!

FANCYPANTS: -but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-

ALEX: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

WOMAN: Order, eh - who does he think he is?

ALEX: I am your king!

WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.

ALEX: You don't vote for kings.

WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?

ALEX: The Lady of the Lake,

[angels sing]

her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur

from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,

Alex, was to carry Excalibur.

[singing stops]

That is why I am your king!

FANCYPANTS: Listen - strange women lying in ponds distributing swords

is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power

derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical

aquatic ceremony.

ALEX: Be quiet!

FANCYPANTS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power

just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ALEX: Shut up!

FANCYPANTS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just

because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd

put me away!

ALEX: Shut up! Will you shut up!

FANCYPANTS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

ALEX: Shut up!

FANCYPANTS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!

HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!

ALEX: Bloody peasant!

FANCYPANTS: Oh, what a giveaway. Did you here that, did you here that,

eh? That's what I'm on about - did you see him repressing me,

you saw it didn't you?

"Let's go, this place is full of loonies" I say and we begin on our way again.

It isn't long until we come upon a forest and as we approach we hear fighting and then I see a knight in all black armor standing there. I take the initiative.

ALEX: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

[pause]

I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me

in my Court of Camelot.

[pause]

You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?

[pause]

You make me sad. So be it. Come, guys.

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.

ALEX: What?

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.

ALEX: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must

cross this bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.

ALEX: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!

BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.

ALEX: So be it!

[hah]

[parry thrust]

[ALEXR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]

ALEX: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.

ALEX: A scratch? Your arm's off!

BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.

ALEX: Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.

ALEX: You liar!

BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!

[hah]

[parry thrust]

[ALEX chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]

ALEX: Victory is mine!

[kneeling]

We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-

[hah]

BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.

ALEX: What?

BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!

ALEX: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?

ALEX: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.

ALEX: Look!

BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.

[bang]

ALEX: Look, stop that.

BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!

ALEX: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!

[whop]

BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!

ALEX: You'll what?

BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!

ALEX: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!

ALEX: You're a loony.

BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs!

Have at you! Come on then.

[whop]

[ALEX chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]

BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.

ALEX: Come, guys.

BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow

bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.

I'll bite your legs off!

And we continued on our quest for the holy grail.

In case you didn't know, the script parts come Monty Python and the Holy Grail, a movie i don't own the rights to, but I use the script portion only for fair use and all rights belong to the Monty Python crew.

Links to respective scenes: French Taunting: .com/watch?v=A8yjNbcKkNY

Constitutional Peasant: .com/watch?v=JvKIWjnEPNY&feature=relmfu

Black Knight: .com/watch?v=dhRUe-gz690&feature=relmfu