Chapter 11: Alex and the Holy Grail (Part 2)
After running into the black knight we decided to split up to cover more ground. This is the tale of Alex and Fluttershy
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee!
Nee!
Nee!
Nee!
ALEX: Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
ALEX: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
RAINBOW DASH: Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and
Nee-wom!
RANDOM: Nee-wom!
ALEX: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
ALEX: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
ALEX and PARTY: Oh, ow!
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
ALEX: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
[Dramatic chord]
ALEX: A what?
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!
ALEX and PARTY: Oh, ow!
ALEX: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
never pass through this wood alive!
ALEX: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
ALEX: Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
ALEX: Yes.
HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!
While they go to find a shrubbery the tale of Miss Fluttershy (I say sir very vaguely) while she passes through the Everfree Forest accompanied by her favorite minstrels.
MINSTREL (singing):
Bravely bold Miss Fluttershy, rode forth from Canterlot.
She was not afraid to die, o Brave Miss Fluttershy.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Miss Fluttershy!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Miss Fluttershy!
Her head smashed in and her heart cut out,
And her liver removed and her bowels unplugged,
And her nostrils raped and her bottom burned off..
FLUTTERSHY: That's - that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
FANCYPANTS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN: Oh, Fancypants, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
MINSTREL (singing): She is brave Sir Fluttershy; brave Sir Fluttershy, who-
FLUTTERSHY: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
through.
ALL HEADS: What do you want?
MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and-
FLUTTERSHY: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really - I, uh, j-j-ust
to um, just to p-pass through, good Sir knight.
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
FLUTTERSHY: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
FLUTTERSHY: I am.
LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.
MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?
LEFT HEAD: I think kill her.
RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to her.
MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up.
LEFT HEAD: Perhaps-
MIDDLE HEAD: And you.
LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor!
LEFT HEAD: What?
RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.
MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky. You're not next to him.
LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?
MIDDLE HEAD: You snore.
LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't - anyway, you've got bad breath.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, all right. We'll kill her first
and then have tea and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits.
LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, not biscuits, but lets kill heranyway.
ALL HEADS: Right!
LEFT HEAD: She buggered off.
RIGHT HEAD: So she has, she's scarpered.
While she buggered off Miss Twilight was off in the swamps of Everfree
NARRATOR: The Tale of Miss Twilight.
FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
HERBERT: What, the curtains?
FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched
out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom,
lad!
HERBERT: But, Mother-
FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When
I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was
daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same,
just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one.
That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down,
fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up.
An' that's what your gonna get, lad - the strongest castle in these
islands.
HERBERT: But I don't want any of that - I'd rather-
FATHER: Rather what?
HERBERT: I'd rather... just...
[music]
...sing!
FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while
I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
HERBERT: But I don't want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alex,-
HERBERT: Herbert.
FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we
can get.
HERBERT: But I don't like her.
FATHER: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
a certain... special...
[music]
...something...
FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess
Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure
the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
leave.
GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
entering the room.
FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.
FATHER: All right?
GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
FATHER: Yes, what is it?
GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh-
FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
GUARD #1: Uh...
FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
All right?
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure-
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had
to leave and we were-
FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here-
GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,-
FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me-
GUARD #1: Just you.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Get back.
GUARD #1: Get back.
FATHER: Right?
GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: What?
FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: The Prince?
FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it
seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
FATHER: Is that clear?
GUARD #2: Hic!
GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
FATHER: Right.
[starts to leave]
Where are you going?
GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
HERBERT: But, Father!
FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.
TWILIGHT: Well taken, Spike!
SPIKE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
TWILIGHT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big
one...Ooof! Come on, Spike!
[thwonk]
SPIKE: Message for you, Miss.
[fwump]
TWILIGHT: Spike! Spike, speak to me! "To whoever finds this
note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry
against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am
in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of
distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!
Brave, brave Spike! You shall not have died in vain!
SPIKE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, miss.
TWILIGHT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
SPIKE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, miss.
TWILIGHT: Oh, I see.
SPIKE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you-
TWILIGHT: No, no, sweet Spike! Stay here! I will send help as
soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
particular... (sigh)
SPIKE: Idiom, miss?
TWILIGHT: Idiom!
SPIKE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
TWILIGHT: Farewell, sweet Spikee!
SPIKE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
TWILIGHT: Ha-ha! etc.
GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
TWILIGHT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Miss Twilight
of Canterlot. I have come to take - oh, I'm terribly sorry.
HERBERT: You got my note!
TWILIGHT: Uh, well, I got A note.
HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
TWILIGHT: Uh, well, no, you see...
HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
there must be...
[music]
...someone...
FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
HERBERT: I'm your son!
FATHER: No, not you.
TWILIGHT: I'm Miss Twilight, sir.
HERBERT: She's come to rescue me, father.
TWILIGHT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
FATHER: Did you kill all the guard?
TWILIGHT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.
TWILIGHT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm - I really can explain everything.
HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Miss Twilight, I've got a rope all ready!
FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
TWILIGHT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
FATHER: I can understand that.
HERBERT: Hurry, Miss Twilight! Hurry!
FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
TWILIGHT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
FATHER: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head!
TWILIGHT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost
me a fortune!
TWILIGHT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north
from Canterlot, when I got this note, you see-
FATHER: Canterlot? Are you from, uh, Canterlot?
HERBERT: Hurry, Miss Twilight!
TWILIGHT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Alex, sir.
FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Canterlot. Uh, pretty good pig country...
TWILIGHT: Yes.
HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready!
FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
TWILIGHT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
HERBERT: I am ready!
[starts to leave]
TWILIGHT: -I mean to be, so understanding.
[thonk]
HERBERT: Oooh!
TWILIGHT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
uh, sort of carried away.
FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.
HERBERT: Oooh!
[splat]
[wailing]
FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this
knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
RANDOM: There he is!
FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
TWILIGHT: Ha-ha! etc.
FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
TWILIGHT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away.
I really must - sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
RANDOM: She's killed the best man!
[yelling]
FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Miss Twilight from the
court of Canterlot - a very brave and influential knight, and my special
guest here today.
TWILIGHT: Hello.
RANDOM: She killed my auntie!
[yelling]
FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to
witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father-
RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father-
RANDOM: He's getting better!
FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,...
[ugh]
RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
dad - in a very real, and legally binding sense.
[clapping]
And I feel sure that the merger - uh, the union - between the
Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Miss Twilight of Canterlot...
TWILIGHT: What?
RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
FATHER: You fell out of the tower, you creep!
HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER: How?
HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you...
[music]
FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
FATHER: Shut up!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
SPIKE: Quickly, miss! This way!
TWILIGHT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more...(sigh)
SPIKE: Dramatically, miss?
TWILIGHT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha!
[crash]
Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
Next time we will find out how Alex and Rainbow find the shrubbery.
Please review and tell me your thoughts!