Fate Chapter 12: Alex and the Grail Finale

Last time Miss Twilight went to swamp castle to find clues on the Holy Grail, but was left "hanging"

Here is Sir Alex's and Miss Rainbow Dash's search for a shrubbery.

ALEX: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy

a shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

CRONE: Who sent you?

ALEX: The Knights Who Say Nee.

CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.

ALEX: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend

and I will say... we will say... `nee'.

CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!

ALEX: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!

CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!

ALEX: Nee!

RAINBOW DASH: Noo! Noo!

ALEX: No, no, no, no - it's not that, it's 'nee'.

RAINBOW DASH: Noo!

ALEX: No, no - 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.

RAINBOW DASH: Noo! Nee!

ALEX: That's it, that's it, you've got it.

ALEX and DASH: Nee! Nee!

FLIM: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman

ALEX: Um, yes.

FLIM: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `nee'

at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing

is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under

considerable economic stress at this period in history.

ALEX: Did you say `shrubberies'?

FLIM: Yes, shrubberies are my trade - I am a shrubber. My name

is Flim the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

RAINBOW DASH: Nee!

ALEX: No! No, no, no! No!

ALEX: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we

go now?

HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.

But there is one small problem.

ALEX: What is that?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.

RANDOM: Nee!

HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-

ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.

RANDOM: Nee!

HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.

ALEX: What is this test, O Knights of- Knights Who 'Til Recently

Said Nee?

HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

ALEX: Not another shrubbery!

HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place

it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a

two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!

HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut

down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!

[dramatic chord]

ALEX: We shall do no such thing!

HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!

ALEX: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.

ALEX: What word?

HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words

the Knights of Nee cannot hear.

ALEX: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

ALEX: What, `is'?

HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' - we couldn't get very far in life not

saying `is'.

RAINBOW DASH: My liege, it's Miss Fluttershy!

MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up

And sneaking away and buggering up

And chickening out and pissing about

Yes, bravely she is throwing in the sponge

ALEX: Oh, Fluttershy!

FLUTTERSHY: My liege! It's good to see you!

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: She said the word!

ALEX: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?

MINSTREL (singing): She is sneaking away and buggering up-

FLUTTERSHY: Shut up! No, no no- far from it.

HEAD KNIGHT: She said the word again!

FLUTTERSHY: I was looking for it.

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

FLUTTERSHY: Uh, here, here in this forest.

ALEX: No, it is far from-

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!

ALEX: Oh, stop it!

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again!

ALEX: Let's go ladies!

HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

So after a strange series of events the knights rejoined each other at the castle AGGH to find the Holy Grail.

ALEX: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! Celestia be praised!

Almighty Celestia, we thank Thee that Thou hast [something] safe

[something] the most-

[twong baaaa]

Jesus Christ!

GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Alex-King, who

Has the brain of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a

second time!

ALEX: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command

you, in the name of the Knights of Canterlot, to open the doors of this

sacred castle, to which Celestia herself has guided us!

GUARD: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your

direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could

out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about

advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you

heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters.

ALEX: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred

castle!

GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you

and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained

wipers of other people's bottoms!

ALEX: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by

force!

[splat]

In the name of Celestia and the glory of our-

[splat]

Right! That settles it!

GUARD: Yes, this time and try

any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads

and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!

ALEX: Walk away. Just ignore them.

GUARD: No, remain you illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think

you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy

English kaniggets! Thpppt!

ALEX: We shall attack at once!

RAINBOW DASH: Yes, my liege!

ALEX: Stand by for attack!

So, they attacked the castle and eventually captured the Holy grail but now had to cross the Bridge of Death.

ALEX: There it is! The Bridge of Death!

FLUTTERSHY: Oh, great.

KNIGHT: Look!

ALEX: There's Princess Luna from Scene 24!

RAINBOW DASH: What is she doing here?

ALEX: She is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. She asks each

traveller five questions-

KNIGHT: Three questions.

ALEX: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-

KNIGHT: Three questions.

ALEX: Three questions may cross in safety.

FLUTTERSHY: What if you get a question wrong?

ALEX: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

FLUTTERSHY: Oh, I won't go.

KNIGHT: Who's going to answer the questions?

ALEX: Miss Fluttershy!

FLUTTERSHY: Yes?

ALEX: Brave Miss Fluttershy, you go.

FLUTTERSHY: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Twilight go?

TWILIGHT: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take her single-handed.

I shall make a feint to the north-east-

ALEX: No, no, hang on, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five

questions-

KNIGHT: Three questions.

ALEX: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and

pray.

So Twilight walked up but instead of answering questions she was stopped by the princess of the night.

"STOP! He who wishes to cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, there the other side he see" Luna said in the olden Canterlot voice

"Luna what are you doing here?" Twilight asked with a slightly quizzical look on her face

"I'm just playing the part, sheesh give me a break" she said stepping aside to allow the others to pass "see you guys back at the castle" she called across "looking forward to it!" Rainbow replied back

On their way back though they had to stop at a cave with a fouled tempered rodent to kill so they could finish off the RASP agents, little did they know Celestia was laughing her ass off back at Canterlot because this quest was completely irrelevant.

Still they went to the cave of Kyre Banorg with the help of Shining Armor the enchanter.

SHINING ARMOR: Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg!

ALEX: Right! Keep me covered.

KNIGHT: What with?

ALEX: Just keep me covered.

SHINING ARMOR: Too late!

[chord]

ALEX: What?

SHINING ARMOR: There he is!

ALEX: Where?

SHINING ARMOR: There!

ALEX: What, behind the rabbit?

SHINING ARMOR: It is the rabbit!

ALEX: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!

SHINING ARMOR: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel,

and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.

FLUTTERSHY: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

SHINING ARMOR: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a

killer!

KNIGHT: Get stuffed!

SHINING ARMOR: It'll do you a trick, mate!

KNIGHT: Oh, yeah?

FLUTTERSHY: You mangy Scot git!

SHINING ARMOR: I'm warning you!

FLUTTERSHY: What's he do, nibble your bum?

SHINING ARMOR: He's got huge, sharp- he can leap about- look at the bones!

ALEX: Go on, Ace. Chop his head off!

ACE: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

SHINING ARMOR: Look!

[squeak]

ACE: Aaaugh!

[chord]

ALEX: Jesus Christ!

SHINING ARMOR: I warned you!

FLUTTERSHY: I done it again!

SHINING ARMOR: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all,

didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well,

it's always the same, I always-

ALEX: Oh, shut up!

SHINING ARMOR: -But do they listen to me?-

ALEX: Right!

SHINING ARMOR: -Oh, no-

KNIGHTS: Charge!

[squeak squeak]

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.

ALEX: Run away! Run away!

SHINING ARMOR: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.

ALEX: Right. How many did we lose?

KNIGHT: Whooves.

KNIGHT: Braeburn.

ALEX: And Ace. That's five.

RARITY: Three, sir.

ALEX: Three. Three. We'd better not risk another frontal

assault, that rabbit's dynamite.

FLUTTERSHY: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

ALEX: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.

RARITY: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make

a mistake.

ALEX: I doubt that

RARITY: It was worth a shot.

So we were stuck there trying to figure out what to do when suddenly, Twilight had an epiphany

"Why would we need the blood of a foul tempered rodent in the Holy Grail to kill guys that we killed with bullets?" she asked

"You know, I never used that logic" I said looking around "Why are we still here? I don't know about you but I'm flying back to Canterlot" I said taking off "Yeah seeya guys" said Rainbow Dash and we flew back to Canterlot.

"I guess that means we're walking then?" asked Spike, who recovered from taking that arrow back at Swamp Castle.

"Guess we'd better get going then?" asked Rarity, getting up "K lets go" said Twilight.

And that, my friends is how the quest for the Holy Grail was brought to a close, lets just Princess Celestia is getting chewed out for this.