AN: Hi there! This is another story in the 'what if' series. If you do a YouTube search for "Sara's Letter to Tegan", you'll find the video this story is referring to. Let me know what you think!

2003/6/18 Vancouver

Tegan stared at the letter on the coffee table. She had received it a week ago, but it had barely moved from its spot. Well, that was save for the innumerable times she had read it. She honestly had no idea what to do with it. It held such secrets that it was too incriminating to hold on to, yet too precious to let go.

Sara had moved to Montreal just shy of five months ago, but it seemed like a lifetime. Sure, they toured for three of those months, but Tegan could still feel the distance. After the move, Sara didn't contact Tegan for quite some time. She wasn't even sure that Sara had been planning on staying in the band, until she had shown up for the London concert a month later.

The tour had gone pretty typically, save for the subtle differences in their behavior toward each other. No one seemed to notice, or if they had, they hadn't mentioned it. The differences weren't in areas that most people saw, though. It was just a feeling of emotional disconnect. Sara had built a wall blocking Tegan out. No matter how much she tried, she couldn't get through it. To be fair, she hadn't really tried very hard. She knew that this was supposed to be for the better.

Growing up, Sara and Tegan had shared a peculiar bond that most sisters do not. It even surpassed the typical twin relationship. They didn't develop a secret language. There was no telepathy. There was, however, a certain intimacy. Experimenting with drugs and sexuality as teenagers had led to something between them that occurred sober as adults. Of course, there were fights. There were discussions. There were countless 'last time's. They weren't 'in love', nor did they want to raise a family together or get married. However, once they began thinking seriously about these things, it was quite evident that the extent of their relationship was going to hinder the pursuit of falling in love, raising a family, and getting married. After all, it is a difficult thing to explain to a girlfriend that she isn't the only one that has tasted your lips since the beginning of the relationship.

Sara had decided to move to Montreal to get away from Tegan and the temptation she represented. She wanted to start a life that involved Tegan as only her sister and bandmate, no clarification or further description necessary. She broke up with her girlfriend, because she felt the entire relationship was a lie. It wasn't salvageable in her mind. A new start, where no one knew her, was what Sara wanted, so Tegan had acquiesced. There wasn't much she felt she could do. If Sara was going to move, then Sara was going to move.

Tegan stared at the letter on her coffee table. She had tried so hard to move past her emotions. It would have been wonderful to wake up one day and feel normal. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself, she knew that she couldn't move on so quickly or easily. She had just begun to convince herself that Sara had moved on, but then… the letter.

To anyone else, it would have read like a touching letter professing a sisterly love. Some points maybe could have been confusing, but they would have been easily explained away by the close bond twins share. To Tegan, though, it read like a love letter, professing a deep seated bond beyond that of even twins. The words tangled in her mind. She nearly had it memorized.

I don't miss Vancouver, but I miss you.

Tegan stared at the letter on her coffee table. She picked it up and scanned it over. It struck her humorous that she was rereading the letter, looking for something she missed, as one checks the fridge numerous times a day, hoping new food would magically appear. She felt starved: starved for attention, starved for affection, starved for love. This letter was her soul's only nourishment.

You're amazing, and I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

This letter was truly soul food. Tegan chuckled to herself at the bad pun.

I still need my space, but I have come to realize that it's not space from you I need. It's space from everything you represent.

Tegan knew what this meant. It meant the snarl of secrets they had managed to interweave. It meant the guilt of keeping such a profundity from everyone important in their lives. It meant not wanting to build a life of lies any further than they already had.

I would like to think that maybe this physical distance could let us further explore our bond.

It was always referred to as their 'bond'. That had been decided as the best word for the aspects of their relationship that reached beyond the norm. Tegan was still perplexed as to how Sara had gone from moving 3,000 miles away to wanting to 'further explore'. They both had their moments of weakness. Both had days of acceptance, and both had days of fear. However, this, this was written on paper and mailed to her. She knew Sara, and she knew that Sara would have spent a long time making sure a letter was very specifically worded. Sara had to have put much thought into their bond. Sara must have decided she truly accepted and wanted it.

Tegan stared at the letter in her hands. She, too, had put much thought into their bond. If this was what Sara wanted, then the ball was in her court. She couldn't say much about the future, but the next move was on Sara. If Sara wanted this, she was going to have to show it. Tegan wasn't even going to bring up the letter. If Sara wanted to know if she received it, she would have to ask.

Tegan stared at the letter in her hands. She sighed and put it back on the coffee table. This was, after all, her routine now. The letter had to be on the coffee table for tomorrow.