Note: This chapter has been edited from it's original form for compliance with the M rating on FanFiction. For the full, MA version of this chapter please visit this same story on Archive of Our Own. The story title and chapter title are the same. The author name is DeepLittleSOB. The link to my Dashboard is in my profile.

There's a knock on the passenger side door and Lizzy turns to see snow being brushed away from the window with a green coat-covered forearm. Soon after, Dean's face can be seen peering into the cab through the small clearing he made. Before she can even register who it is, she hears the fluttering of feathers and Castiel is gone, her hand now clutching empty air.

Dean knocks again on the window and she sees in his expression that he's growing impatient through the small, frost-free circle as he stands out in the cold and snow. She unlocks the door and he opens it in a rush, diving in and yanking the door closed behind him.

"Fuck this weather!" Dean announces loudly with his arrival, shaking the snow out of his hair.

"Fuck that demon," she corrects much more quietly while returning to her lying position across the back seat and taking up the bottle of whiskey again. She drinks more of the liquor before passing it between the front seats to Dean who, unlike the previous occupant, readily accepts it. He downs a solid amount in a few rapid gulps and sighs.

"You were smart to bring this along," he comments while sitting sideways in the seat, looking at her makeup smeared eyes and defeated demeanor.

"You know me," she starts. "I never go into any serious conversation without a little liquid assistance."

"Who were you talking to?" he asks, having thought she was alone.

"Louie," she informs him. "And Castiel. He stopped by." She stretches out a hand to take back her drink.

"What'd he have to say?" Dean wonders as the angel left him with only the bare minimum of explanations.

"Dean," she slowly starts, scared to actually ask, "What's going on with Sam?" It's her first priority even in a time when everything around her is crumbling. He's obviously in trouble and she needs to know what's happening with him first and foremost.

"Where the fuck do I begin?" he sighs as he swiftly takes back the bottle and guzzles the whiskey again.

"So his psychic shit didn't shut off after Azazel bit the big one I take it?" she asks, looking up and seeing the sadness he has on full displays.

"That it did not," he replies. "When I got back, Sammy was a different person. He's not talking much about it so all I know is that he's somehow found a way to turn premonitions into exorcising demons with his fucking mind. And he's been hanging out with Ruby behind my back, which if you ask me has to be related."

"What!" Lizzy bolts up in her seat. "Why the fuck would he do that? I don't understand!"

"Neither do I," he concurs. "But something big musta happened with those two while I was gone because he trusts her now. Probably more than he trusts me."

"Oh, that can't be true," she looks to him with disbelief, a hand dropped onto his shoulder. "You two are closer than close. He'll always trust you more than anyone else, you know that."

"Seems more and more likely that that isn't true." Dean's face reveals how heartbroken he is as he keeps his sights trained anywhere but on her. "Jesus, I feel like I'm losing him, L. He's disappearing at all hours, running around with a demon… he won't listen to me. He told me he's stopped with the exception of you just now, but I'm not sure I believe him. Fucking kid is convinced that what he's doing is good."

"How could he ever think that using powers from demon blood is a good idea? Sam's smarter than that."

"That's what I said! But he claims that most of the people he exorcises come out of it alive… kinda like you did." Dean looks over to her with new conflict. "Shit, I've had a hard enough time trying to convince him of how wrong he is. How do I still stand against this thing now when it saved your life? How do I tell him not to do it and not be a huge fucking hypocrite?"

Lizzy simply shakes her head in return. "I don't know, you just do. You have to because this very obviously isn't right. Sam should know better. And yes, his crazy whatever-the-fuck may have just saved my ass, but it doesn't change that I'm still fully against it." She steals another shot of booze. "What does Castiel think about this?"

"Cas knew way before I did. He's the one who let me know what Sam was up to in the first place. And side note, he's against it also." He grabs the bottle out of her hand and pulls down several gulps of whiskey. "So is God," he finishes while wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

"GOD!" Lizzy nearly cries out, her hand now digging into his shoulder.

"Yeah, he's not cool with Sam's magic demon mojo."

"God?"

"The head fucking honcho, yes. The God."

"Holy fucking shit," she tiredly lets out, lying back down again. "I totally hate today."

"I'll drink to that," Dean comments with another sip.

Lizzy watches his expression carefully. Dean has always prided himself on his stoic demeanor in the face of adversity, but Lizzy knew the truth. She could see it all, every ounce of utter fear, each pang of guilt over not being able to help Sam, and all the hurt from growing further and further apart from his brother was chipping away at him. She sits up and removes the bottle from his hand, placing it down on the floor by her feet and weaves one of her hands into his own through the gap in the seats.

"We'll get him back on track," she reassures. "Whatever it takes, we will. We're not gonna let him do this."

She watches the flash of hope make itself known in his face.

"We?" he asks with slight surprise.

"Dean, I'm not leaving you," she says with sincerity. "I know you're worried about that, I can tell. You really shouldn't be. And you should know me better by now. I'm no quitter."

His anxiety slowly begins to melt away, the lines around his world worn eyes evening out with her words. He nods his head and a faint, barely there smile tugs at his lips as he washes his free hand over his face. "After all this, I… I thought for sure…"

"You know how much I love you," she interrupts him while climbing over the seats and into his lap. With her feet resting on the driver's seat, she brings her arms around his neck and sits on him sideways. "Just because some meddling bitch said too much doesn't mean I'm giving up. I told you I am in this fully and I meant that. I'm not leaving you, not ever."

Dean reaches his arms around her waist and takes the second to look at her, really look at her. Her chestnut eyes have their spark back and he sighs his relief to see it. They sit silently for a beat before Lizzy delves into more of their issues.

"You should have told me what happened in hell," she tells him.

"How?" Dean sadly asks while turning away and avoiding her stare. "What I did… I can't even bring myself to say it out loud in a mirror. Saying it to you? Fucking impossible."

"But it's eating you alive. I can see it, and I'm sure Sam can too. You can't live like this."

"What choice do I have?" he asks sadly as he feels Lizzy press her lips to his forehead. "Telling you about the horrific things I did… it would change us." His bottom lip quivers like it always does when his emotions threaten to topple him. "I'm a monster for what I did and you wouldn't think of me the same way."

"But I can help, Dean. The only way I can hold you up is if I know what's knocking you down," she tells him, pulling his chin up to get him to look at her again. "You always try to hold everything in, and maybe it's because you had to before, you had to be the one who kept it all together, but not anymore. Let me help. Please." Her eyes spill over, already feeling his pain as her own.

"You won't look at me like you used to though," he worries. Immediately she moves in and kisses him. Dean's heart races as it feels like her again, no longer empty and strange but inviting, warm and so familiar. It's her love for him at its purest. It's his personal version of home.

"Does it feel like I see you any differently?" Lizzy asks him once she ends their kiss and looks at him closely with a hand to each side of his face.

"No."

"Because I don't," she tells him. "You're only human and I think you forget that sometimes. People aren't perfect or impenetrable, and last I checked, they weren't built to withstand hell and come back. Thirty years is a lot more than most, if not all, others could ever get through."

"But I let you down," he returns. "I promised I wouldn't break, but I did. I gave in and never looked back."

"Is that what you think? That you let me down?" Lizzy's face wrinkles in concern and sorrow as more tears fall. Dean nods slowly with his eyes closed in shame. "You didn't let me down, Dean. Not at all. I'm proud of you for being as strong as you were. Screw the promise. You did what you could and that's all anyone could ever, ever ask of you."

Dean doesn't answer, just keeps his eyes closed and lets her comfort in. It doesn't make the pain and crushing guilt go away, but at least the weight is lessening. It's a start.

"The idea that it was me that got you to give up though…" Lizzy starts but her voice gets cut off by her sadness.

"I wish you didn't have to know that," Dean says, the anger of what Alistair did to get him to agree to torture still burning deep.

"But I do know now," she says through her sadness. "And it hurts. A lot."

"Not your fault." Dean shakes his head, hating that she knows his weakness for her is responsible for his deplorable actions.

"Yeah, it's fucking God's fault," Lizzy says flippantly. "We are soul mates, after all."

Dean doesn't respond. He just looks at her with a strange expression for a second before remembering that Castiel had talked to her first. Lizzy stays put, watching his face and waits. She's unsure of how to read him this time.

"Alright, you gonna say it or not?" he asks with an exasperated eye roll, preparing for the inevitable.

Lizzy smiles slightly as she readies herself to enjoy the moment. "I told you so."

"So what, I owe you a beer now or something?" Dean quips, admitting she had been right about the two of them all along.

"Or something," she responds with a quick kiss. "You're much calmer than I thought you'd be with this. You're much calmer than I was. The soul mate thing doesn't scare you?"

"Oh, it does," he confesses. "I'm scared as fuck by this, but I'm just not really surprised."

"Neither was I," Lizzy adds honestly.

"My life is fucking weird," Dean comments. "I think I need time to get used to this."

"So do I, honestly," she says in return. "Look, Dean, through all of this, with everything I know now and with everything fucking with my mind too, I'm still ok. We all have our skeletons and you just happened to have a demon who wanted to spill yours to me all at once. None of it was so bad that I could ever walk away from this."

"Even if some of the stuff she popped the lid on is huge?" he reminds her. "Might affect your life too."

"Like what?" Lizzy wrinkles her face with confusion as she tries to remember anything Laraje said that would change her own life. Nothing came to mind.

"Were you there for the Lisa conversation at all?" Dean narrows his eyes at her. "I have a kid, and if you're sticking with me, that's a big game changer for you too."

"Oh, Hot Shot," Lizzy drawls out, eyes sympathetic. She runs a loving hand through his hair and sighs as she doesn't want to let him know the truth. "I'm sorry but Laraje lied to you. Ben isn't yours."

Dean stares at her in utter shock, eyes vast before screwing them shut with the rolling waves of emotional distress that just keep coming crashing down on him. "Is this mind fuck ever gonna end here? I'm getting a little tired of the rollercoaster," Dean exasperatedly tells her with his head hung low in defeat.

"She was just trying to do her job," Lizzy comments with a shoulder shrug and an odd understanding of what the demon was after. She presses her forehead to his. "The reason she came here was to ruin us in order to fuck with the plan heaven has and no matter how hard she tried you and I were both not bending in the least. We weren't falling for it. She couldn't break this. It was the move of a desperate demon and a wicked pathetic one at that. We fought Dr. Phil and we won, baby."

"And this is exactly why I need you," Dean says lovingly to her, a grin threatening at the corners of his mouth and holding her tighter. "You always know what to say. You always know what I need to hear to make my life seem like it's so much better than it is."

"It's part of the soul mate job description. It's in all in the handbook. You should really check it out," she smiles small, feeling the stress fade away as they sit alone and talk. "And seriously, you always know how to make me feel better too. You put me at ease just by sitting on your ass and talking to me. I honestly didn't think I would be able to calm down enough to stop panicking today, but after a little time alone with you I realize it's all ok. I got out alive, I'm with you, what more do I need?"

"Nothing?" he takes a questioning guess.

"Not a damn thing. As long as we have this, we can get through the rest," she says while pulling him into her until their lips meet. They bask in the ability to do this again, to be with the other without the intrusion of a demon making it empty and meaningless. The true connection they have is back, right where it belongs.

"We're gonna be ok, huh?" he interrupts their kiss, his hands running up and down her sides as he looks for assurance.

"Hot Shot, trust me." She cups his face, her usual move when she needs him to listen closely. "As you reminded me yesterday, I knew what I was signing up for when I met you. And lucky for you, I'm really fucking stupid."

Dean smiles at her comment. "That's what keeps you hanging around? Stupidity?"

"And addiction," she smiles jokingly… though only somewhat.

"What is it honestly?" he wonders to her, craving an answer that would explain why she'd always be there beside the whole soul mate label, and Lizzy's face grows serious again.

"I hang around because no one will ever love me as much as you do," she explains. "And that's just plain fact. And because I know I will love you until the day I'm six feet under."

"I hope you mean that," Dean says in return with hesitance. "Because the idea of losing you today was the scariest thing I've ever been through. I can't get through this fucked up life without you, L. I can't ever have you just up and disappear on me. "

"I do mean it." She kisses him again, deeper than before. "I would never lie to you about that," Lizzy confesses with only a quick break from his lips. It makes her heart ache that he needs such reassurance, even after all they've been through. He's been abandoned so many times that it makes sense to her that he'd be so weary. It may take time for him to see that she's being truthful, but eventually he'll understand.

Dean weaves his hands into her long hair, knotting them tightly into the dark strands at the back of her head and holding her mouth against his as she moves to bring a knee to each side of his lap. Once facing him, her hands grasp at the sides of his neck. They both cling onto the other through the desolation of their ordeal and the need to cement that their relationship is still in place. There is an air of anxiety about it, Dean possessively holding her throughout their kissing as if she'll disappear if he doesn't. He's not willing to lose her and he needs her to know that. If either had been paying attention, they'd both find it fitting that 'Helpless' began playing through the car's speakers.

"Never leave me," he asks of Lizzy with his lips against hers and through his now heavy breathing. Dejection is all she gets from him with his clearly troubled emotions. Her heart now heavier than it was before, she kisses him again in an attempt to convey that she never will. She'll always stand by him and if she hadn't been sure of it before, she definitely is now. Letting go of her hold on him, she hastily loses her bulky winter coat and tosses it to the driver's side before helping Dean out of his. He reluctantly surrenders his grip on her to get the item off, but as soon as his jacket is resting on the back seat, his hands are once again on the back of her head, pulling her towards him and keeping her near.

"L, tell me," he pleadingly asks while looking up at her. She pauses, her brow furrowed with both the sadness and sympathy she feels for him in the moment as she connects with his green eyes. It hurt so badly to see him like this she can physically feel the pull in her chest. Lizzy moves in to kiss him again, to wash away the fear and questioning from him, but his hands tangle in her hair again and he stops her, pulling her back a bit. "Please, tell me you won't leave." His voice is stern now, more serious than before and his actions much less loving suddenly. His desperation coming through in the form of aggression is what surprises her the most and she can see it clearly in his now darkened eyes. She hadn't seen it coming, but she understands it completely. It takes her a moment to compose herself before she can get her own voice working again.

"I will never abandon you," Lizzy tells him truthfully through a shaky tone, his hands still in her strands and roughly holding her in place. "Never. I couldn't and I don't ever want to." She blinks several times, keeping the waterworks at bay, and prays he believes her.

Dean quickly brings her in, their lips crashing into each other with her confirmation. It's harsh and bruising. Lizzy reaches down the side of the passenger seat and yanks the lever, causing the back of the seat to drop. Dean falls back with it into a lying position, pulling her along and never letting them separate. The change puts them into action, making them move with quick need and desperation.

The formerly noisy car, once filled with loud moans and heartfelt promises, is suddenly quiet apart from the heavy breathing of two beyond spent people and '4 + 20' playing softly in the background. Neither move, Lizzy's arms held behind her and Dean still inside of her. They lay together, enjoying the stillness in contrast to the frenzy that had taken ahold just seconds before. Lizzy inhales deeply, taking in the scent of sweat on his skin. She pulls her arms from his slackened grasp and pushes herself up, an elbow to each side of his head and peers down at him.

"You need to find a way to believe that I won't leave you," she states simply before lowering her head and kissing him.

"I believe you," he replies, lips brushing her. "It's just happened to me so many times before…"

"But not with me." Staring at him she waits and makes sure he gets it, trusts it.

"Not with you," he returns.

"I love you, Hot Shot." She does love him, more than she thought possible. Somehow this experience that was meant to tear them apart has only made them that much stronger. "Always. I'll always be right here."

Wrapping her in his arms, he pulls her in again, this time into a tight hug. She rests her cheek on his chest, comforting herself with the sound of his heart beating, and he drops his chin onto the top of her head. Sighing with the reassurance, Dean feels more confident than he's ever been about the two of them. His worries concerning her are nearly gone now. "Love you too, L. More than anything."