I am a huge sucker for sappy speeches. This whole chapter was kind of a shot in the dark, seeing as how all the released information about the JTS pilot has zero information about how Jimmy's first encounter in Hell actually ended. Other than the obvious implication that it was somewhat positive. But I guess it depends on your definition of positive.

Chapter 17

Nothing Left to Lose

"My fellow Miseryvillians, tonight I—Lucifer Heinous the Seventh—am extremely proud to bring you a live broadcast of the banishment of two good little apples who were foolish enough to defy the Master of Misery and Despair." Lucifer spoke in his mike, directly facing one of the cameras.

"Who's the 'Master of Misery'?" Jimmy shouted confusedly up toward Lucifer.

The red devil bit his lip, trying to make sure he didn't lose his cool in front of the hundreds of cameras fixed onto him. He ignored the teenager and kept talking. "Anyway, as you can see, these two happy little lovebirds are about to be plunged in the endless void of misery and darkness known as the Abyss of Nothingness!"

Dozens of floating cameras descended toward Jimmy and Heloise, broadcasting their faces across televisions throughout Miseryville.

"HEY! WHO ARE YOU CALLING LOVEBIRDS!" Heloise shouted in anger toward the devil, whose grin was beginning to pick up again.

Lucifer then stared directly into one of the cameras and smiled. "Take this as a warning, you worthless, insignificant, little insects. No one crosses Lucifer Heinous the Seventh and gets away with it. NO ONE!" He yelled into the mike, before quickly regaining composure. Now then, onto the best part."

The short red devil monster motioned with his claws to his guards. They grabbed the duo and led them closer toward the portal.

"The girl first," Lucifer instructed. "I want to save Two-Shoes for last."

The two Minotaur guards who were holding Heloise, still wrapped in chains, lifted her closer and closer toward the entrance of the void. They were about to throw her into the abyss when they were halted instantly.

"Hey wait a sec!" Jimmy shouted up toward the grinning devil. "Aren't you going to at least let us say any final words or something?"

"And why would I do that?" Lucifer questioned impatiently.

"Uh, I guess because they always do it in cartoons. " Jimmy smiled nervously.

Lucifer stood still for a few seconds, appearing to be mulling over the decision. Finally, he exhaled his breath. "Fine, I'll give you your stupid final words. Just don't take forever." The red devil gestured for the guards to bring Heloise back to Jimmy's side. "You've both got two minutes."

Jimmy looked over at Heloise. She was red in the face, but he could see tear droplets forming in her eyes. "Hey don't worry Heloise. Even if we do get trapped in there forever, at least we'll have each other."

Heloise's face immediately returned to its normal, annoyed expression. "Oh joy. That definitely makes me feel better." She muttered sarcastically.

Jimmy then turned his attention back up to Lucifer. "Hey Lucy! Could we get the microphone please?"

The red devil frowned for a moment, but then rolled his eyes and threw the mike down toward the two. One of the guards caught it and held it up to Jimmy, who was still handcuffed. The teen cleared his throat, before putting his mouth up to the device.

"Um, hello. My name is Jimmy Two-Shoes," Jimmy began speaking while looking directly into one of the cameras trained on him, "and, uh, I just wanted to say that even though me and my friend are about to be trapped inside this dark, scary abyss forever, I don't blame Lucy for it. I mean, he's a really good guy, and a good friend."

"WHAT?" Lucifer screamed high atop the wall. Heloise shot Jimmy a look of angered surprise, before she looked up at the devil monster and grinned deviously.

"Oooh, I get it." She whispered to Jimmy. "Hey," she turned to the guard holding the microphone up, "Let me have it now; I have something to say too."

The guard put the microphone up to Heloise's mouth. "Yes, ahem, I would just like to say what a great boss Lucy's been." The girl fought back giggles. "He's a really sweet monster."

"Stop that! Stop that right now!" Lucifer shouted down to the pair from the top of the wall. "And stop calling me Lucy!" The red devil's face was beginning to turn bright blue.

Jimmy, standing right beside Heloise, took a deep breath and put his mouth over the microphone again. "Well, um, if this really is my last few moments in Miseryville, then I should probably say something about all the great people I've met here. Uh, Beezy, if you're watching this then I just wanted to tell you what an awesmazing friend you've been. And a great neighbor too. A great freighbor I guess." The boy then turned to his female companion. "And Heloise, I know we've only really known each other for like two days now, but I'm really glad I met you. And even though we're about to be thrown into an empty, bottomless void for an eternity, I'm happy that I'll at least get to spend it together with you."

Heloise's face grew bright pink. "Uh, I-um, I mean I…-"

"Oh puh-lease!" Lucifer shouted down from above, holding his finger to his mouth and pretending to gag. "I'm about to puke! Just get on with it; I don't have all night!"

"Uh, and I also wanted to say that I'm glad I met you too Lucy." Jimmy looked up at the angrily glaring red devil. "I know you can get kind of mad sometimes, but I know you mean well."

"No, I don't mean well! I mean bad! Very, very bad!" Lucifer yelled in frustration.

Jimmy then turned back to the cameras and smiled. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really can't remember anything from my old life. My family, my friends, and even my last name are all gone, so Miseryville is really the only home I can remember. I know technically it's in Hell and everything, but it's still the nicest place I've ever known."

"Oh for the love of-" Lucifer slapped his hand over his forehead. "Just throw him in already!"

The guards pulled Jimmy away and then lifted him up. They were about to toss him inside the black abyss when a shout echoed from up above the clouds.

"WAIT! Waitwaitwaitwaitwait-" A figure dropped from the sky and headed straight toward the ground, but stopped just short of crashing as it appeared to be attached to some sort of bungee cord. As the cord settled, the figure attached to it became recognizable as a young woman in jeans and a T-shirt with a laminated ID hanging from her neck. "Please just wait. Oh man." The woman caught her breath as she remained suspended in the air, still attached to the cord.

"Oh perfect," Lucifer gritted, "another interruption. " The red devil was practically spitting fire, from his loss of patience, as he yelled down toward the ground. "HEY! JUST WHO THE HEAVEN ARE YOU? YOU'RE DISRUPTING MY DEVILISHLY CRUEL, PUBLIC PUNISHMENT HERE!"

"Oh, sorry man but uh, there's been a tiny mistake." The woman tried her best to reach into her pocket, as she was still hanging in the air. She managed to finally pull out some papers and waved it up in Lucifer's direction. "The office kind of dropped someone down here who was actually supposed to go to Heaven."

Lucifer's fury faded, and his face grew blank. "The offi- Oh you mean Purgatory." His annoyed face quickly returned. "I thought they never make mistakes. And besides, can't this wait until later! I'm sort of in the middle of something here!"

The woman crossed her arms. "Hey, look grandpa, I'm just an intern. Don't yell at me; I didn't make the mistake. And 2nd, you were about to chuck him in an inescapable black hole for an eternity, which means that I would totally get fired, and I need this for college credit."

"What? You mean-" Lucifer looked down at Jimmy, before the flash finally went off in his head. "-You mean Two-Shoes isn't actually supposed to be here?"

"Yeah, no duh pops; I think maybe his e-file got mixed up or something or whatevskies. They gave me his real file and he's as nice as an angel. Or I think; I dunno, I've never actually met any angels."

Lucifer looked up at the girl's bungee cord extending up into the sky. "Are you telling me you actually bungeed all the way from Purgatory?"

"Yeah I know, it took us like forever to find one long enough." The woman then twisted in order to face Jimmy. "Anyway dude, we gotta split. You were supposed to be in Heaven like five days ago. Any longer and the Office is gonna get a ton of paperwork about the mix-up. And you know they always stick those on the interns. "

"Wait, so you mean I can leave? I can really go to Heaven?" Jimmy asked, his smile getting wider and wider.

"Yeah totally. You definitely don't belong down here."

"Hey!" Heloise cut in. "What about me?"

"Hmmm." The woman flipped through the papers in her hand. "Yeah sorry, I don't see anything in here about a girl accidentally getting dropped down here. 'Fraid your stuck miss."

"Oh well, it was worth a try." Heloise shrugged in her chains.

"Wait so-" Lucifer was trying to piece together the situation in his frustrated mind. "So you're going to take Two-Shoes up to Heaven? He'll finally be out of my hair forever?" Lucifer asked aloud, slowly starting to form a genuine smile of happiness on his face.

"What hair?" Heloise shouted up, stifling giggles as Lucifer shot her a death glare.

"So yeah, c'mon man, time's a wasting." The woman extended her hand toward Jimmy. "We gotta get going."

Jimmy looked at the woman's hand and then looked around for several seconds. It seemed as if he was about to reach for her, but then he took a step back. "Uh, no thanks."

"What do you mean 'no thanks'?" The woman waved her papers at Jimmy. "You have to come back! You aren't even supposed to be here! Do you know what they'll do to me if I don't take you back? Unspeakable things!"

"Yeah, but I kind of like it here. Didn't you hear my sappy speech a couple of minutes ago?"

"WHAT?" Lucifer shrieked at Jimmy. "How can you say 'no' to Heaven? It's every person's dream to go there you idiot!" He then tried to calm his voice. "I mean, uh, you should go Two-Shoes. I hear Heaven is great. It's all happy and smiley and goody-goody; it was practically made for you." Lucifer feigned a smile, trying not to vomit.

"Well that does sound pretty cool," Jimmy thought aloud, "but I think I want to stay in Miseryville even more. Besides, what about all my friends here? I mean, you'd miss me wouldn't you Lucy?"

Lucifer nearly popped a blood vessel as he tried to keep a straight face, despite his horribly twitching eyes and clenched teeth forcing itself into a fake smile. "I-I mean of course I'd miss you," He lied right through his phony smile, "but I'm sure you'd be able to much happier in Heaven. I mean, Miseryville is so dull and depressing."

Jimmy looked at Heloise, who suddenly caught herself staring at the teen. "Hey Heloise, what do you think?"

"What me?" The girl put on an annoyed, uncaring look, despite her face getting pinker and pinker. "Pfffft, I couldn't care less. With you gone I'll at least get some peace and quiet in the abyss."

"Awww, thanks Heloise." Jimmy smiled. "Well that settles it, there's no way I'm leaving."

"Okay, maybe you didn't hear me, but you're not allowed to stay here. You HAVE to come back. If they started letting innocent souls go to Hell, there'd be mass chaos and stuff."

"Well, is there any way I can stay? I really don't wanna leave Miseryville." Jimmy frowned.

"No way Two-Shoes, rules are rules! You heard the woman; you're going to Heaven whether you like it or not!" The red devil shouted, desperate to get of the teen.

"Uh actually-" The woman flipped through her papers before pulling out a page in the stack. "-I'm pretty sure there's some kind of clause in here… ah here it is." She handed the paper over to Jimmy's handcuffed hands. "I think it's at the bottom."

Jimmy pressed the paper close to his face. "Ok let's see… Oh man, there are a lot of words here." He tried to skim through the walls of text and typical legal jargon until he found what looked like his golden loophole.

The individual soul subject to Heaven and Hell's terms and conditions previously stated understands that placement in either of said areas directly corresponds to both the number of sins committed and/or assisted by the soul and their respective degrees of severity. Furthermore, the soul understands that gross or severe sin(s) [Outlined Section XI] and/or a multitude of intentional, unrepentant sins [Outlined Section VIII, fig. 21-23] committed and/or assisted by the respective individual soul will result in immediate, PERMANENT disqualification for entry and/or residence into Heaven/Heavenly-body subsidiaries and subsequently lead to the respective soul's immediate, mandatory placement in Hell for the remainder of the individual soul's lifespan—post-mortem* [Terms and Conditions, Section XXII].

*Note—Post-mortem lifespan of souls are infinite in length.

Jimmy's brain felt like it was about to melt, but he was sure he understood the gist of the clause. "So basically all I have to do is sin and I get to stay, right?"

"Um, I guess so." The woman scratched her head. "But it would probably the first time anyone's ever sinned specifically so they don't get into Heaven. "

"Awesome!" Jimmy clutched the paper in his hand. "I can totally do that!"

Heloise scoffed. "Please, the worst thing you've probably ever done is jaywalk or something."

"Hey I only did that once, and it was an accident." Jimmy frowned. "Besides, how hard can it be? Everyone else here's already done it." The teen looked around and then finally fixed his eyes on the woman suspended in the air by her bungee cord.

"Uh, what are you staring at?" The woman suddenly grew a look of concern.

"I just had a great idea!" Jimmy proclaimed, ignoring the woman. The boy squinted one of his eyes and held his thumb up in the air, appearing to line it up with Lucifer's position high on top of the wall. He then grabbed the woman—stilling hanging in the air—with his handcuffed hands and started pulling her back. "Alright, hold still Miss."

"What are- Hey what do you think you're doing? Let go!" The woman tried to kick her feet, but couldn't loosen Jimmy's grip on her harness. She looked up and saw the bungee cord still attached to her stretching and tightening as Jimmy kept pulling her along as he walked backwards. "I'm serious dude, let me go! This isn't funny!"

"Don't worry ma'am, I'll let you go in a second." Jimmy smiled, still focusing his eyes on Lucifer. He continued moving backwards, having to pull harder and harder as the bungee cord became harder to stretch.

Lucifer looked on at the two from on top of the wall, squinting his eyes as he tried to make out what was going on. "What in the name of misery are they doing now?"

Jimmy stopped. Any attempt he made to take another step back was useless, as the bungee cord was now so tightened and stretched that he had to strain from being pulled forward again. He took another look up at Lucifer and then at the woman. "Miss, you might want to cover your head."

"Cover my head?" She echoed confusedly. "Why would I need to do thaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

Jimmy released his grip on the woman's harness, sending her flying like a rocket straight toward Lucifer. The red devil monster was still straining his eyes toward the ground, trying to see what was happening, when he heard high pitched screaming and what looked like a spec from down below growing bigger and bigger heading right for him. He blinked once, just in time to see the spec fully grown, right in front of his face, and then WHAM! The woman shot right into Lucifer, knocking him off the wall. She continued flying, until the bungee cord she was attached to stretched to its limit again and pulled her back towards Jimmy's direction on the ground. She bounced up and down several times until her cord finally came to a rest.

Lucifer, however, plummeted down the opposite side of the wall. He screamed, which echoed loudly in all directions, before he fell right into the Abyss of Nothingness waiting directly below. His echoing screams faded as he completely disappeared into the portal. The woman, now stilly suspended in the air, was a mess with wind-swept ruffled hair and a black eye and bloody nose from where she rammed face-first into Lucifer.

Jimmy ran back toward the woman and Heloise, grinning widely. "That was awesmazing!"

Heloise stood silent, her mouth open and her face completely stunned. It looked as if she was trying to form words, but her brain just wouldn't let her.

Jimmy suddenly held his cheek with his handcuffed hands. He could feel something tingling inside his mouth. He ran his finger alongside his teeth until he stopped along one of his top molars, on the opposite side of his missing tooth. It felt weird. Oddly smooth. And a tad long. He ran his tongue against it, only to feel its painfully sharp tip. Extraordinarily sharp. "Hey Heloise do you see anything weird here?" Jimmy asked before forming a wide smile.

"Besides the fact that it took me this long to see that you're a raging psychopath?" She half-jokingly answered.

"Please Heloise," Jimmy laughed, "I'm not allergic to plants. But that's beside the point. I mean is there anything weird about my teeth?" He pointed toward the tooth that felt unusually long and sharp for a molar.

Heloise looked and then peered closer at it. "It looks like a really sharp fang. It's pretty long too."

"YES!" Jimmy shouted and jumped in air. "It worked!" He tried to pick up Heloise in celebration, but his handcuffs made it pretty difficult.

"Did what?" Heloise angrily bit. "And put me down!"

"Don't you see Heloise, I got one! I got a birthmark!" Jimmy smiled and pointed at his tooth.

"A monster mark you freak!" Samy shouted from beside the wall's entrance.

"A what?" Heloise asked. She hated being out of the loop.

"You get it when you sin." Jimmy continued smiling. "I guess I got a fang for my first one. Cool huh? You can touch it if you want." Jimmy held his face closer toward her, which probably wasn't his best idea.

Heloise headbutted Jimmy in the face and then frowned angrily. "Well how come I didn't get one? I've been sinning like crazy ever since I got here."

"Yeah that is kind of weird." Jimmy scratched his head. He looked over the small girl and paused at her 'feet'. "Um, did you check under your dress?"

"It's a gown!" She snapped. "And I can't, at least not in these chains." She glared at one of the guards close by the pair. "I said AT LEAST NOT IN THESE CHAINS!"

The Minotaur guard looked frightfully in all directions before finally taking out a set of keys and unlocking the girl's triple bolted chains. Heloise stretched her cramped body for a second and then shot another glare at the guard, who proceeded to run for his life.

"Do you see anything?" Jimmy asked, trying to look under her robe along with her.

"Hey, if you try and sneak a peak, I'll throw you in the abyss." She threatened. The girl then took a few steps back and turned so that no one could see. She lifted up her gown and then screamed.

"What? What is it?" Jimmy asked, half out of concern and half out of curiosity.

Heloise quickly let down her gown again and walked back over to Jimmy. She looked extremely pale and disturbed. "Well, at least now I know where I've been turning." She shifted her eyes toward Samy, who was cowering behind one of the guards from Heloise's scream. "Hey, you!"

"Uh oh," Samy gulped, "Uh y-yes?"

"Does this mean I'm actually going to turn into a monster permanently?"

Samy slowly walked over and hid behind Jimmy. "W-Well actually, um, when you signed your contract with Lucifer, you became contractually bound to do evil for Misery Inc. So, uh, any sinning you've done after you signed it doesn't actually count." Heloise glared at the short troll, who began quivering again. "Uh, so a-any changes you've had must have happened before you met Lucifer."

"You mean like when I chucked that rock at you?" She grinned.

Samy frowned. "Yeah, kind of like that."

"Soooo," Jimmy turned back toward the huge floating black abyss, "Is Lucy gonna be okay? I mean, he said if you fall in, you're stuck there forever."

"Oh don't worry about him," Samy dismissed, "that wasn't entirely true. He should be out of there by the next episode."

"The next what?"

"Never mind. Don't worry about it." Samy yawned. The small troll turned his head and then yelped before he jumped up and cowered behind Jimmy's back. "Wh-Wha-What's going on with her?"

He pointed toward the woman still suspended in air by the bungee cord, who appeared to be completely motionless and unconscious. There was blood dripping down her face and her black eye was already swelling.

"Is she dead?" Jimmy asked, about to poke her body.

The woman suddenly began moving again, which caused Samy to scream. "I'm not dead! *Groan* I'm just really woozy. And dizzy. *Groan* Uck, and I've got blood all over my face."

"Oh well, sorry about that." Jimmy blurted out by instinct, before quickly catching himself. "Oh uh, I mean I'm not sorry! At all! I'm glad you busted your face." He then checked his fang to make sure it was still there. He couldn't risk it disappearing by apologizing.

The woman just glared at him and scowled. "Whatever. I'm so out of here. I can't believe I'm not getting paid for this." She yanked her bungee cord multiple times, until finally it began to retract upward. After a few jerking motions slowly raising her up, the cord finally began retracting quickly and smoothly, pulling the woman swiftly back up in the sky and finally out of sight.

Heloise looked around. It was getting pretty dark and it was fairly obvious that she and Jimmy were officially off the hook. "Well what do we do now?"

"I don't know about you but I've had it for today." Samy yawned and stretched his arms. He put his fingers to his mouth and whistled. "Okay everyone, let's go!"

In an instant, the hordes of Minotaur guards surrounding them disbanded, and the hundreds of floating cameras still recording from different vantage points flew apart in different directions back toward the city. Jimmy and Heloise quickly moved forward through the entrance, stepping around the huge glowing Abyss of Nothingness in front of them, as the gate was being closed. The lights coming from the factory behind them shut off, as the echoing of the wall barrier's huge gate finally locking shut died down. In a few moments, it seemed as if Jimmy and Heloise were the only ones left. There was dead silence all around them, and the only light they could see was from the partially hidden moon above them and the myriad of bright lights glowing from the city, off in the distance.

"Um, Jimmy." Heloise suddenly broke the silence.

"Yeah Heloise?" Jimmy turned toward her, still fiddling with his handcuffs that nobody bothered to take off of him.

"I'm uh, glad you decided to stay."

Jimmy's smile widened, ear to ear. "Wow, really?"

The girl quickly turned her head away and scoffed. "Yeah, whatever. Don't think this means I like you or anything." She started walked ahead back towards the suburbs. After busting her butt all day protecting this smiley, gap-toothed psycho, her exhaustion was finally catching up to her.

"Gee, thanks Heloise." Jimmy skipped beside her. "You know I like you though, right?"

Heloise nearly fell over as her feet went numb at the mention of the 'L' word. She quickly recomposed herself and looked at Jimmy, who was still smiling at her. "Wh-What do you mean you 'like'me?" She demanded.

"Well, you're nice, and smart, and you can really kick a lot of butt." Jimmy laughed, continuing to stroll down the road alongside the girl. "And you're also a really great friend."

"Oh. A friend." Heloise frowned. "Of course."

"So what do you want to do when we get back?" Jimmy asked obliviously, continuing to bite at his handcuffs.

"Sleep." Heloise groaned. "And don't worry. I'll find something to cut those off."

"Awesome. Do you have anything that can remove teeth too? 'Cause I don't think I want this fang anymore. It's a little too big and sharp." Jimmy stammered, licking his monster fang with his tongue.

"Sure, but then you'll have two missing teeth."

"Aw I don't really mind. It'll make my smile more even." He grinned.

Heloise giggled without realizing it. "So, um, what do you want to do tomorrow?" She asked, suddenly in a much better mood.

Jimmy face brightened even more. "Oh I have the perfect plan. Tomorrow we can meet Beezy over at his dad's house and ride down his huge staircase. I'm gonna get a skateboard and totally shred down the railing." He began waving to an imaginary crowd. "It'll be Jimmy Von Fearless' greatest stunt ever!"

Heloise started laughing. "That humongous staircase in the mansion? You're really gonna skate down that? It's suicide."

"Hey, it's not like I'm gonna die." Jimmy laughed along with her.

The two walked together down the main road into the suburbs. The night was quiet. There was a cool chill hanging in the air. The moon was just emerging from the clouds, almost brightening up that small corner of the most hellish spot in the universe. The two seemed to be in a world all their own. And nobody was enjoying it more than Jimmy.