Lizzy exhales loudly, the cloud of smoke escaping her lips, curling into the living room air and quickly dissipating. She hazily smiles with delight while lying on her back, body stretched across her oversize couch. She's wedged between the couch's back and Dean, who's mirroring her position and taking up the full length going the opposite way. They are positioned head to foot and frequently take the opportunity of facing the other to steal glances and grin like love sick teens. This whole ordeal really backfired on Laraje in the long run, they were just that solid.
"This is all I wanted out of this weekend," she confesses, wide smile in place as she sits up a little and reaches out over Dean's leg. She extends her arm towards Sam who is sitting in the nearby recliner to her side, his feet dangling off the end with his height and arms dropping over the armrests, offering him the joint in her hand. He waves her off, eyes already red and head swimming to a point where smoking more would do no good. He's stoned as stoned can be. "Light weight," she pokes fun before moving her arm towards Dean, who readily accepts her offer.
"Sammy's a god boy," Dean reminds her, bringing the joint to his mouth and using a joking tone. "He doesn't really smoke drugs too often… or at all."
"But I should," Sam responds with his eyes staring at the white painted ceiling and feeling his mind and body calming to a wonderful, happy point.
"Here, here," Lizzy agrees, sharing a lazy high-five with her adopted brother. She's never seen Sam relax so much. It was nice.
After finally coming back into the apartment, Lizzy and Dean found Sam nervously pacing the floor in the hallway. The second she got to the top of the stairs, Sam stood stock still mid-stride and looking at her expectantly. He was scared, his lost puppy look firmly in place, and she just couldn't bring herself to be mad at or frightened by the obviously worried man any longer. She hugged him tightly and told him they'd talk the next day. Having discussed so much already, she just wanted to end the day on a good note and without the mention of demons, possession, or her fears for Sam's future. Just looking into his eyes once let her know he's still Sam, still in there and still deep down the same person he always was. They'll figure it all out… tomorrow.
Now, Lizzy lets her true colors fly in the form of getting completely baked and listening to music. After the day she's had, she's earned it. The brothers let her have her way for the night, though at this point no one is complaining about her choice in activity. They've embraced it fully.
"Pink Floyd is… awesome," Sam says slowly while closing his eyes and taking in the sounds of 'The Great Gig in the Sky'. "Never knew that before."
"You should have," Dean tells him while giving Lizzy what was left of the joint. "Not like I've never put Floyd on in the car before."
"Yeah, but you always make me listen to it, so I don't wanna," Sam explains, the barriers that normally would keep him from admitting such childishly stubborn things now gone. "It's different when you aren't forcing your music down my throat."
"Whoa, forcing?" Dean questions with surprise. "I never force you to listen to anything. I just always happen to be driving so I get to pick the music."
"Which is a lame rule, by the way," Lizzy adds her quiet two cents before burning down the last of the joint and dropping it into the ashtray on her coffee table. "You always drive, fucking control freak."
"Shut your cakehole," he jokes, not having the fortitude to compose a valid argument and instead settles for nudging her with his leg.
A comfortable silence settles over the group, all three allowing themselves the rare luxury of relaxation. It's been so long since Sam and Dean have had the chance to do such a thing so both get lost in it whole-heartedly.
"You think Lou is in heaven?" Lizzy suddenly asks aloud, letting her usual philosophical stoner self out.
"Huh?" Sam asks, his head lifting with the name of the woman he misses as much as Lizzy does.
"Like, do you think she's in heaven," Lizzy asks again, looking at Sam. "Castiel told me that she couldn't hear me talking to her earlier, so I know she isn't hanging around. She must have gone somewhere, right?"
"Right," Sam returns, following her logic. "Probably. I mean, she was a good person."
"Great person," Lizzy corrects.
"The fucking best," Sam says, the tug of a smile threatening the corners of his mouth with his recollection of her. "I'd say she's definitely up there."
"I hope so," she wishes out loud while Dean drops a comforting hand onto her knee. "But I worry about it."
"Why would you worry about that?" Dean questions. "Lou did more good with her short life than most people could ever hope to. If anyone deserves a spot sitting pretty among the clouds, it's Lou."
"That's true…" Lizzy adds, her thoughts wondering for a moment. "But… where do monsters go when they die?"
The room goes silent once more with the very interesting though. How neither Dean nor Sam ever had this thought before is surprising. They kill so many creatures all the damn time, but what happens to them afterwards was never a concern… until now.
"Exactly," Lizzy sadly says after a few minute of contemplation.
Without sitting up, Sam reaches a hand over the arm of the recliner and Lizzy extends her arm to him, weaving her hand in his as she knows that's what he was looking for. Lou's death was something they both dealt with on a daily basis and it was something they'd grown closer from dealing with together. Many times they would discuss her on the phone, Lizzy telling him more about the girl who he never got the chance to know fully and Sam confessing that he hadn't felt as close to another person since Jessica.
"Fucking sad how many people we've all lost…" Lizzy comments while her brain keeps running in its deep thought process and once again the room goes quiet as they all contemplate the truth behind her statement.
Unexpectedly, the serene silence is cut into with a loud roar of laughter from Sam. Lizzy drops his hand and takes a second to share a confused look with Dean. They both turn to look at Sam who is now doubled over with his arms hugging his center, the giggles getting the best of him.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Sammy?" Dean says, an involuntary smile creeping into the corners of his mouth. He can't help it; the sight is infectious.
"Dude, you ok?" Lizzy asks the laughing man with a small huff of her own. Sam just does his best to catch his breath in order to fill them in.
"The car… horn blasting…" he manages out before laughing again, his inebriated state enhancing the humor of the situation he recalls.
"What car?" Dean questions with total confusion. Lizzy laughs quietly as she watches Sam struggle.
"The car… I drove here, ha," Sam tells them as he manages to finally start calming down enough to speak. "It broke down in front of that church... down the street, oh man." He takes a minute to let his now aching stomach muscles have a break. "I punched the steering wheel when I got pissed that it wouldn't start up again. Got so fucking mad I broke it. The horn wouldn't stop blaring. It's probably still there… loud as shit, ha!" He erupts again and the other two join him, still highly baffled by his story, but they get enough of it to find the humor in what he tells them.
"Jesus, Sammy," Dean laughs out, elated to see Sam enjoy himself the way he is right now. It's been a long time since he's seen or heard his little brother laugh like this.
"Told you this was a damn good idea," Lizzy laughs loudly while sitting up and pulling out another rolling paper. "Round three, bitches."
A half hour later and the three hunters have barely spoken. Maybe a third round wasn't the great idea Lizzy thought it would be. The room feels just short of comatose now.
"Sam?" Lizzy calls out, noticing the closed eyes partially hidden under dark shaggy strands. "Sam-I-Am?" He doesn't answer her with anything other than loud, sound breathing.
"Dude's out, L," Dean announces. "He'll probably be out for a while too. Can only imagine he hasn't slept in days."
"Then out for a while we'll let him be," Lizzy says while standing up, stumbling a little with her cloudy mind. "The guy deserves to rest after everything he did for us." She unlaces Sam's boots and clumsily starts prying them off of his feet. Stirring with the movement, Sam's eyes open to slits for just a second before he smiles at her and closes them again.
"Thought you said it'd be creepy," he sleepily says with a smile, repeating his joke from months ago when she had tried her best to get a drunken Sam ready to sleep it off after he broke into her house late at night. She laughs hardily at the memory and before his second shoe is off, Sam's out for good.
"What'd be creepy?" Dean questions, unclear of the meaning behind Sam's odd choice of words.
"Long story for another time," Lizzy responds, not needing to share the indiscretion with Dean right now. She pulls a warm comforter out of the hallway linen closet and drapes it over Sam's sleeping form before kissing his cheek. "Night, Sam-I-Am." She ruffles his hair and stands straight to walk away and leave him to rest but pauses when she catches the look on Dean's face. He's smirking, but behind that grin she sees the pride he holds.
"What?" she smiles with an eye roll while she goes back out into the hall.
"Nothing," he lies as she walks back in and heads over to couch, lying on top of him and covering them both with the second blanket she took out.
"Ah, clearly something," she rebuts, snuggling into his side and resting her head on his shoulder.
"Just, you're really mother-ish sometimes," he tells her honestly.
"Not sure how I'm supposed to take that one."
"It was meant to be a compliment," Dean explains to her.
"Then why does it sound like you're dissing me somehow…" she looks up at him with a suspicious look.
"No way," he tells her, pulling her in closer with his arm around her shoulders. "I like that you're good to him. He needs that. Hell, he's never had that."
"Just doing what I felt like doing," Lizzy explains. "I don't necessarily do it for anyone else. Just going with instinct."
"Well, they're good instincts." Dean sits with the thought for a beat. "Ben would have liked you, you know."
"Yeah?" she asks him, surprised by the comment. He's talking pretty freely right now. God damn, pot is the wonder drug for these two. Lizzy wishes she knew this sooner and puts the new and quite valuable knowledge in her back pocket.
"Oh yeah," he hardily answers with a grin. "That kid is awesome and you woulda been good with him if… you know…"
"He was yours?" she finishes for him.
Dean nods in return and smiles at the thought.
"You really are disappointed, aren't you? That he's not yours?" Lizzy questions delicately. She wasn't expecting him to so obviously have wanted the child to have been his.
"Honestly, I am a little," Dean spills. "He's a great kid and so much like me it's fucking scary. But shit, can you imagine a kid having to deal with me as its father?" He shudders at the thought.
"Yeah, I can," Lizzy calmly responds, clearly having considered the thought before. "I always kinda figured you'd rock ass at being a dad." She places an innocent kiss on his cheek with her statement.
"You nuts?" Dean asks her, turning to look her in the eye. "The drinking, the miserable attitude, the monsters and evil things always after me…"
"The fierce love and devotion you have for your family, the insane need you have to help others, your kindness and compassion…" she tacks on in order to play a little devil's advocate.
"That still doesn't add up to a well-adjusted kid if you ask me." Dean sighs and looks back up at the ceiling.
"I don't know, Sam turned out ok enough," she rebuts, reminding Dean that he's already done a great job as a father figure.
"I wouldn't count psychic boy as a total success, L," Dean reminds her in a low tone.
"Considering the circumstances, I'd say you did the absolute best anyone could have," she explains with a warm smile, her fingers playing with the pendant around his neck. "And Sam's not a kid anymore. Just like every good parent, you let them go when they grow up and hope they make the right decisions. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't."
Dean looks over to Sam, sleeping splayed out on the too small for him recliner and grins. He looks peaceful, innocent, and like the kid he used to be. He missed that, especially lately. But even with Sam's current issues and lack of good judgment, he was a good person. He's doing what he's doing because he thinks it's right. There aren't many people out there who care more than Sam does. Maybe he didn't fail the guy after all. Not completely.
"Whatever," Lizzy states, the conversation upsetting her a little now. "It's just a shame that life is what it is. Otherwise, if we actually could someday in the future, we'd have one hell of a kid."
"That's probably true," Dean agrees. "I mean the two of us are the coolest people I know. Put that together…"
"Coolest kid to ever exist." Lizzy smiles.
"He'd know good music," Dean says.
"And good movies," Lizzy adds and he huffs a nearly silent laugh.
"Scam on chicks on the playground at recess." With this Lizzy laughs loudly.
"Be Sammy book smart," she says, crossing her fingers as if this scenario would ever have the chance to exist.
"But with daddy's good looks," he winks at her.
"Or mom's if it's girl. See, we'd literally have the coolest kid for real," she sums up. "But you know, our family is pretty fucking awesome as it is. We hunt things together, keep people safe…"
"The family business," Dean quietly responds, echoing the words he'd used on Sam years ago to get him back on the road.
"Yeah, I like that," Lizzy responds while moving to lay on top of Dean. "And I also like that Sam said that I'm a Winchester." She wags her eyebrows at him with the statement. She knows he heard Sam say it and now she want to see his reaction to that.
"Oh you definitely are," he laughs. "You're an alcoholic with a rage issue, you're an expert at dealing with... or not dealing with… loss, you can take an ass kicking and dole out a nasty one too… shit, L. I think my dad would have fucking adopted you if he'd gotten to meet you."
"I think you'd have a problem on your hands if he was still around, honestly." She grins mischievously at him and Dean winkles his brow.
"What'd ya' mean?" he asks, wrapping his arms around her.
"Dude, John was fucking sexy," she tells him, Dean giving a look of surprise with her bluntness. "Lou and I used to talk about what we thought he looked like since the two of you came out as hot as you did. Once I actually saw him in that dream, holy DILF."
"That's lovely," Dean caustically tells her, not particularly liking how she's speaking.
"Hey, you can't get mad at me for that! He was awesome. Plus, you know already that I like much older men," she explains, obviously referring to the fact that he was older than her, even if it was only four years… and a half.
"Much older?" he asks, eyes wide with her comment. She just smiles and kisses him again.
"I'm kidding, I'd never trade up to a more classic model," Lizzy tells him.
"You can't," Dean smiles back. "Soul mates, remember?"
"Oh yeah," she feigns forgetfulness. "Damn it."
"Is that something you'd actually want?" Dean wonders aloud.
"Getting to bang your dad?" Lizzy asks with raised eyebrows, confused by his subject change through her inebriated state.
"What! No! L, Gross!" Dean responds, not needing to hear Lizzy say such a thing. "No, I mean the name. Is that actually something you'd want?"
"Like taking it as my own?" she questions. "Like… Lizzy Winchester?"
"Does have a nice ring to it," Dean admits. "And you truly are one of us now."
"Yeah," Lizzy agrees. "I don't know, I never really thought about it, as weird as that sounds."
"Yeah, me neither," Dean says truthfully. "Why is that?"
"Probably because we're too fucking busy being in hell, killing shit, keeping each other in line, saving strangers, and trying to avoid being sent to the loony bin."
"That and the whole idea of, like… marriage… and getting married…." They both look at each other and make scrunched up, disliking expressions.
"Flowers and dresses and people looking at us like sideshow freaks," Lizzy tacks on, disgust with the idea still clear on her face.
"Penguin suits and bad DJs playing 'Celebrate Good Times'… Jesus, I'm getting skeeved just thinking about it," Dean shudders.
"So awful," Lizzy says to him. "I say fuck all that. If we ever get to that place, we do it our way."
"Nice," Dean smiles, kissing her quickly while happy they are on the same page… again.
Lizzy stands up from her comfortable spot on the couch. "Come on. Time to leave Sleeping Beauty to do his thing. Plus, the sun's coming up. Should probably get some sleep of our own… eventually." Winking at him, she disappears from the living room for a quick moment, returning with something fuzzy in her hand.
"What're you doing?" Dean asks as he watches her while getting up.
"Helping the poor dude out," she answers while placing the blue earmuffs over Sam's head. "Don't want to scar the kid for life, as he so lovingly put it."
Dean huffs a laugh while draping an arm over her shoulder once she's done. "Good idea. I mean he is right, you are loud."
"You only say that because you never fucked Louie," Lizzy smiles. "Loudest chick ever. She was completely nuts."
"Huh," Dean considers the idea. "Lucky Sammy."
Gently lifting the earmuffs off of Sam's ears, Lizzy prepares to wake him up as slowly and carefully as possible. Waking a hunter from a dead sleep can be a quite dangerous ordeal if not done right. Not feeling like walking away with a black eye, Lizzy takes her time. Once the fuzzy headwear is off his head, she drops a light hand on his shoulder.
"Hey, Sam-I-Am," she whispers, sure to use her voice as soon as possible to let him know it's her, and watches as his eyelids flutter with the sound. "Sam. Wake up, dude."
Sam knows who it is immediately and pries his still overly tired eyes open. He sees her smiling at him from her spot on the couch sitting Indian-style in her black shorts and oversized sweatshirt, waiting for him to come to.
"Hey," Sam says while stretching and, after looking around with slight confusion, he realizes he's still in the living room recliner.
"Morning," Lizzy returns with a lopsided grin. "Sorry I'm waking you. I know you need the sleep."
"S'ok," he mumbles, closing the footrest back into the chair and sitting up, rubbing his eyes. "What's up?"
"Wanted to talk before Dean got up," she admits. "Figured it'd be better with just us, no big brother's judging eyes and smart mouth to interrupt." She hands over a hot cup of coffee and Sam takes it from her with a smile.
"Thanks," he says to her, referring to both the coffee and the privacy. Thankfully she understands how difficult Dean can be.
"So, I know now," she dives right in, needing to get everything rolling in case Dean does wake up before she expects him to. "Not sure when you were gonna tell me."
"Not sure I was ever gonna grow the balls to do so," Sam says, sipping the hot drink.
"I can understand that," Lizzy tells him honestly. "But I can think of about a million better ways for me to find out than actually seeing it firsthand."
"And I'm sorry for that," he apologizes in earnest. "You've been so damn good to me, Lizzy. I just… I didn't want to disappoint you."
"Disappointment isn't the word, dude," she tells him. "I know you think that what you're doing is right, but I'm scared of this thing, Sam. Real scared."
Sam nods his understanding but stays quiet.
"So what is this, huh?" she asks. "This is your premonitions gone crazy? Or is it something else?"
"It's… well, I'm not totally sure," he tries to explain. "I just know there's always been something… dark in me and before it was this looming, threatening thing. Now, it's not at all."
"How has it changed?" she questions in a calm tone, though inside she's freaking out. She may have dreaded this conversation as much as Sam did, if not more.
"I found a way to make it a good thing," Sam says, looking at her with a flash of excitement and hope. "I always thought that this was going to take me down with the warning dad gave Dean. But instead of give into it, I found a way to turn this thing into something good."
"Ok," Lizzy nods slowly, trying to take what he tells her in stride. "So you've been exorcizing demons with your mind. Why is this so good? Why not just do it the old fashioned way?"
"Because most of the people I exorcize demons from live," he tells her. "Most of the time when we send demons packing the old way, the people they were riding don't survive. You know that's true. If I have to have this curse put on me, at least I can help people with it."
"Can't blame you for that," Lizzy admits, still using an even tone. She discovered a long time ago how to deal best with each of the Winchester brothers. With Dean, it is tough love all the way. He doesn't always respond well to or even listen to heart-to-heart talking. Sometimes he needs a solid kick in the ass and she was fine with giving him one. Sam is the total opposite. He responds best to calm, open, and understanding conversation. He craves that kind of exchange, having only had a drill sergeant as a parent and Lizzy continues to do her best to get through to him. "But what about Ruby? Dude…."
"I know," Sam interrupts her, already well aware of how she feels about the demon. "I know what you're thinking. I would be thinking the same thing if the tables were turned. But she isn't what you assume she is."
"I assume she's a demon, deceitful like all the rest. So take me to school, Sam," she asks of him. "I want to get it. I want to not worry about you and not be scared for you all the damn time."
"Rudy's earned my trust," he tells her, placing his mug on the coffee table. "Dean left and I was lost, alone."
Lizzy's immediately hurt by this. "You were never alone," she reminds him. "How could you say that? I was here, calling you, begging you to come back…"
"But I couldn't do that," he explains, eyes sad. "Lizzy, I know you were here for me, you always are, but you were out of the game. I wasn't ready to leave it all behind me."
"Not when you had revenge to dole out," she quips quickly.
"Absolutely," he agrees, surprising her. "And Ruby could help me with that. You had your own promise to keep to Dean. He wanted you out, told you to live a safe life. With me, he told me to keep fighting. So I did."
"I didn't know he said that to you," Lizzy informs him, understanding a little more why it was that he kept going. "He should at least be happy that you listened."
"You'd think so," Sam says to his hands in his lap, wringing them with the stress his strained relationship with Dean has caused him. Lizzy hate seeing them like this, hates it. It felt all kinds of wrong.
"Is there any part of you that thinks that what you're doing is wrong?" Lizzy questions, needing to find the little glimmer of hope in him that she can pull at, make him possibly change his mind. She watches as he continues to look at his hands as if studying them; the usual Sam avoidance technique when admitting to things he doesn't want to. Avoiding eye contact.
"Yeah, of course," he answers truthfully. "I mean, Dean is against it, the angels are threatening me, I'm sure you aren't all about it…"
"I'm seriously scared by it," she corrects. "I still think the world of you Sam-I-Am, I'm just… I'm terrified that this is not good for you. What if it gets bigger, more powerful? What if it takes over who you are? What if one day you go too far with this and… you walk away a different person?" Her voice cracks with her last question as her worries come to the surface. "I need you around, ok? And you're brother needs you. I know for a fact that, as much of a mess as you were without him, he'd be so, so much worse without you. His inner strength is all bullshit, Sam. It comes from you. He needs you more than you've ever needed him, and that's the truth."
Sam stares wide eyed at Lizzy with what she tell him. He'd never really believed that his older brother was the weaker of the two, but whole heartedly considers what she says. He's also shocked that Lizzy would say such a thing.
"You tell him I said that, I'll deny it and then shove my boot right up your ass," she warns him and he just smiles in return.
"I won't tell him," he confirms as he watches her stand up and walk towards him. He's slightly startled when she drops down onto his lap and leans into him.
"Thank you," she says while dropping a hand onto the side of his face. "I love you, Sam. You are so important to me and I am not willing to lose you. I will fight to the death, kick anyone or anything's ass before I let you out of my life. Please, please don't be stupid. Just remember, go with what you believe is right," she tells him while linking a finger through the ring hanging around his neck on a black chord. It was Lou's ring, the one she gave him, and she reminds him of what the inscription says. "And if you can't seem to figure out what's right, then call me, ask me, ask Dean, get a second opinion, whatever it takes. Just please remember how much we love you and when your brother is being a difficult ass, and you know that he will be, just call me."
Sam nods his head in agreement. He's once again taken aback by how much she honestly cares and not just because she was with Dean and she had to. He's still not used to it and many times doesn't know what to do with it, but he'll have to try and take advantage. To say he hasn't had second thoughts about his choice to use this evil side of him would be a lie. She seems to understand that.
"My honest opinion, I don't want you to use this fucking mind thing at all. It puts me off. I think it's completely wrong and really dangerous, but that's all I can say. You're a smart guy, smarter than all of us honestly," Lizzy laughs quietly. It was completely true. "Use that big, beautiful brain of yours, really think everything through… and never hesitate to ask for help."
Sam smiles, glad that this conversation went way, way better than he'd expected it to, and sighs out his relief. She was still on his side, no matter what. Without a word he brings his arms around her, hugging his thanks. Lizzy smiles and returns the embrace, happy that she might, maybe, possibly have gotten through to him. She's starting slow, being comforting and quiet, but ready to build her opposition if needed.
"Love ya', Sam-I-Am."
"You too," Sam says back before letting her go. The sheer solace of her acceptance of him still making everything seem so much better.
"And I want you to come with me later today," she says while standing up. "I have something to do and I want you with me for it."
"Ah, ok," he cautiously agrees with curiosity.
"So go back to sleep, and use the couch this time. More comfy," she smiles. "And I'm forcing Dean out of here in a few so it'll be quiet for a little while. Enjoy it!"
She leaves the room and Sam plops down onto the oversize and surprisingly comfortable couch. With the anxiety fading away, it doesn't take long for him to find sleep once more as he listens to the voice of his brother complaining about having to wake up and his new-found sister telling him to stop being a baby and fucking suck it up. He smiles and drifts off.