Author's Note:
First, I want to thank everyone who has favorited, alerted and reviewed for their enthusiasm for my Season 2 rewrite. You have no idea how important you all are to me and how much I love every email I receive.
Original Song, is for me perhaps the most important and meaningful episode of television that has ever been filmed. My life was turned upside down the day before it aired, and the episode nearly saved my life. Historically, well I have compared it to the MoonLanding. Klaine's kiss gave me hope and showed me goodness in a time that was devoid of both.
I don't know if I have done the episode justice here. You be the judge. Please forgive me for the end. November 8th is right around the corner, and we all know how everything turns out.
Running Away, Original Song
Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah!
Blaine had kept Wes, David and some of the other Warblers up for half the night walking them through the number. Perhaps he was selfish; no he knew he was, but he needed Kurt to understand. Blaine was never good with words, too many secrets that could too easily be revealed with one slip up. He had to think before he spoke, carefully calculating his conversation. But he wanted so much to tell Kurt how he felt, to explain to him his horrible decisions and hurtful actions. He needed Kurt to understand both how desperately he wanted to be with him, and all the reasons why he ran away. Every word of Misery spoke straight from Blaine's heart. If only Kurt could listen and hear it.
So scared of breaking it that you won't let it bend
And I wrote two hundred letters I would never send
Sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem
You'd rather cover up, I'd rather let them be.
Blaine immediately saw Kurt's annoyance at him, still angry from the phone call the night before, and from going to his father behind his back. And he had every right. Kurt had put himself out there to Blaine, told him he was interested. And Blaine had been, continued to be, too scared to give in. No matter how hard he tried, he kept running. He wanted Kurt to understand that it wasn't because he didn't care, because he did more than he could ever say. He needed Kurt to know that the cuts he felt, were truly so much deeper than they seemed.
So let me be and I'll set you free
I am in misery, there ain't nobody who can comfort me
Why won't you answer me?
The silence is slowly killing me.
Once again, Blaine covered his feelings with the mask of upbeat and fun music and choreography, and he was fairly certain Kurt knew it. He barely got a smile out of the boy as he sat next time him, head on his shoulder, begging Kurt's forgiveness. But he continued. For Kurt's sake, not his own, Kurt had to let him go, Blaine had to set him free. The silence between them, the words Blaine refused to utter, were indeed slowly killing him.
Your salty skin and how it mixes in with mine
The way it feels to be completely intertwined
Not that I didn't care it's that I didn't know
It's not what I didn't feel it's what I didn't show
The dreams Blaine had of Kurt were impossible for him to shake, and he believed that no matter what happened they would continue forever. Out of fear, for a long time he had hidden his feelings even from himself, but they continued to grow. They started to invade his dreams. He ran from them as desperately as he could, but even that didn't work. Now he had to fight desperately to keep them from Kurt.
You say your faith is shaken you may be mistaken
You keep me wide awake and waiting for the sun
I'm desperate and confused so far away from you
I'm getting there I don't care where I have to go
He was in every way desperate and confused. He didn't want to give up. Some day their moment would come. He didn't think it would be soon, he thought it could be years away, after he was able to break away from his father's grip and influence. When Dalton was behind him and he was free to be with whomever he wanted. He didn't expect Kurt to wait. That wouldn't be fair to either of them. But he had faith, and he hoped Kurt could too, that their someday would come. Maybe Kurt wouldn't understand these words right now. But maybe he would hear them and think about them, and come to believe them himself.
Girl you really got me bad, you really got me bad
Now I'm gonna get you back, I'm gonna get you back.
"So what did you think of the song?" Blaine asked, nerves rattling, his famous smile hiding every true feeling.
"Can I be really honest with you? Because it comes from a place of caring?" Blaine shrugged, terrified. If Kurt was throwing "caring" back in his face, he really didn't think Kurt had stopped being angry. "Been there, done that. Look, you're amazing Blaine, your solos are breathtaking. They're also numerous."
Blaine stood shocked for a moment. This wasn't about the phone call at all. He had no doubt that Kurt was still angry at him, but also knew something else about his diva friend. "Kurt, the council decides who gets the solos. Do I detect a little jealousy?"
"No, you detect a lot of jealousy. Look, Blaine, sometimes I don't feel like we're the Warblers. I feel like we're Blaine and the Pips."
Blaine stood silent, watching as Kurt walked off with Pavarotti. No one at Dalton had ever confronted him before about his role in the Warblers. Blaine liked to blame the solos on the council for Kurt's benefit, but the truth was, if Blaine stepped aside for someone else to solo, or even duet with him, it would happen. Blaine was the Warblers' front man. Despite being only a sophomore, he had the star power and he knew it. He got what he wanted, and Kurt was right. If he wanted someone else to sing, all he had to do was say it. Blaine hogged the spotlight, craving the attention and the acceptance it earned him. In his own desire to fill every empty place in his heart, he had forgotten that others, that Kurt, needed it as well.
Why was it, he wondered, that every time he tried to make things easier between him and Kurt, it always got more complicated.
Blaine had been texting Kurt all day, but received no answer. His heart was heavy all morning, knowing that Kurt was still mad at him. He had done the best he could the past few days to make Kurt understand, and it wasn't enough. Maybe, he thought, it was just better for Kurt to be mad.
But then, when Kurt didn't show up for Warbler's rehearsal, Blaine began to truly panic. So as he always did when he got extremely nervous, he hid behind his mask of leadership, and started arguing that the Warblers should wear jackets with red ties and blue piping. No it didn't matter in the slightest, but it kept his mind off of Kurt.
Silence struck the room as Kurt threw the doors of their rehearsal room open, and came striding in dressed, not in his Dalton Academy uniform, but a striking outfit of tight black pants, a black top and black jacket. Blaine's mouth went dry and his heart went to his throat, as he stood on the far side of the room.
"Kurt what's wrong?" he asked, expecting the worst. His mind went to thoughts of his friends at McKinley, or God forbid his father. He could see that Kurt was near tears and it took every ounce of self control not to run to him and wrap the boy in his arms.
"It's Pavarotti. Pavarotti's dead."
Feeling returned to Blaine's arms and fingers as his blood began to flow again, he was so full of relief. But he could also see how hurt Kurt was by the loss. Kurt had been very taken with the bird, and had put a tremendous amount of love into caring for him. To Kurt, love was everything.
"I suspect a stroke," Kurt finished.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry." Blaine poured all of his feelings into the words he knew would bring Kurt little comfort.
"I know it's really stupid to be upset about a bird, but," he took a deep breath, staring at Blaine. Blaine felt as if he stared into Blaine's soul. If he didn't know better, he would have thought Kurt was talking about him. "He inspired me with his optimism and his love of song. He was my friend."
Blaine couldn't help but wonder in those moments if Kurt really had listened to the words of Misery yesterday. Blaine knew his grief as heartfelt. But he almost felt as though Kurt was also mourning the death of the possibilities between him and Blaine. The thought nearly broke Blaine's heart.
"Now I know that today we need to practice do-wopping behind Blaine as he sings every solo in the medley of Pink songs, but I'd like to sing a song for Pavarotti today."
Blaine sat slowly as Kurt handed over a tape to go into the tape deck. His thoughts were racing as Kurt began to sing. He couldn't meet Kurt's eyes; couldn't even look at him, or Nick who sat across from him. His mind was too full.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
He heard the words broken wings and images invaded, of many a horrible night, cowering, wanting to fly, but trapped. Broken. He was so broken.
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blaine started to sing backup, helping him focus his feelings. He listened to the words Kurt sang. He didn't know if the words were meant for him or not, but it didn't matter. Because he felt them, deep in his soul. He was the blackbird.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
He glanced at Kurt quickly, but again looked away. The words stabbed at his heart. He had been living, sunken in a world of fear, unable to see what was really there. He had spent his entire life waiting; waiting for permission to be himself, to love and be loved, to fly into the night. He glanced at Nick and met his eyes. Perhaps it was time to stop waiting.
Into the light of the dark black night.
He looked up at Kurt, with sunken eyes, and he saw…beauty. He saw compassion. He saw honesty beyond anything he had ever experienced in his life before. He saw the opposite of himself, a boy who wore every emotion on his sleeve. Someone who put it all on the line. He saw courage. He saw freedom.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
He saw someone he could walk with. Someone he could share everything with. Someone he could face the world with. Someone he could face his father with. As he made his decision, the ever present knot in his stomach unraveled. His heart settled. His fear vanished. A small smile crossed his lips. With Kurt he could do anything. With Kurt he could fly.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blaine knew, with every fiber of his being, that if Kurt let him in, there was no one and nothing that could stop them. This was their moment.
The chapel stood, as it had since Blaine had arrived at Dalton, a refuge in the storm. He went inside, the flickering lights of the candles like a wink, sharing his secrets. Only this time, his secrets were good. He took the long match and lit his candle and his mind was brought back to the first time he'd stood in this sanctuary. In pain. Scared. And then suddenly peace had washed over him. At Dalton the flames were protected within their glass from whatever might try to blow them out. His first time here he had sung, knowing that one day he'd burn as bright and safe as those candles. He'd wished for someone to love him enough to save him. To change his world.
And now that he'd found him, he wasn't going to let anything keep them apart. He didn't want to sing solo anymore.
Blaine stood outside the room, watching for a minute as Kurt decorated a box with excruciating detail. The boy would never cease to amaze him. Blaine was terrified. It had taken him a few days to make everything perfect, to secure the duet for him and Kurt. There were times when he wondered if he could wait until everything was just right. But now, standing here, he was sure that this was his moment. This was his moment to choose; whether to remain a child, tied down in dread of his father's hatred and bigotry, or whether to be a man, and love with all his heart. This was his moment to choose freedom.
He took a deep breath, straightened his tie, and walked in.
"What's that?" he asked casually.
"I'm decorating Pavarotti's casket," Kurt sighed.
"Well, finish up," he said anxiously. "I have the perfect song for our number and we should practice."
"Do tell," Kurt said with great interest.
"Candles." He wished desperately the nerves would go away, but he was pretty sure that Kurt could hear his heart pounding. "By Hey Monday."
"I'm impressed," Kurt said with a satisfied smile. "You're usually so top forty."
"Well, I just wanted something a little more…emotional." Blaine sat down. The way Kurt looked at him with his perfectly coifed hair and baby soft skin, made the butterflies in his stomach go aloft. He risked a quick glance to Kurt's beautiful and, he suspected, soft pink lips, then looked away, struggling to look Kurt in the eye.
Kurt appeared to be having a similar struggle and turned away. "Why did you pick me to sing that song with?" Kurt asked. Blaine hesitated, the words escaping him, the overwhelming fear returning momentarily. He breathed in Kurt's honesty and courage and for the first time since they met, breathed it out, shaking those feelings away.
"Kurt, there is a moment, when you say to yourself, oh there you are." He looked into Kurt's eyes, and his breath caught, his heart settling. "I've been looking for you forever." Forever. Someone to trust. Someone to love. Someone to tell his secrets to. Someone to save him. It was all Kurt.
He took Kurt's hand, startling the boy. A touch of the fingertips, Blaine remembered. He hoped that Kurt felt in his own fingertips everything he always had wanted to feel. "Watching you do Blackbird this week," He wished he could tell him everything. Every fear, every moment, every dream. He couldn't. Not yet. But he could tell him this. "That was the moment for me. About you. You move me, Kurt. And this duet would just be an excuse to spend more time with you."
Kurt smiled, and released the breath he had been holding. Blaine couldn't hold back anymore. He leaned in, placing his hand on Kurt's cheek and met Kurt's soft, delicious lips. Everything he missed in the kiss with Rachel was there now; the butterflies, the heat, the dizziness. He was gentle, always allowing Kurt to pull away if he wanted, but Kurt didn't. Instead he soon felt Kurt's hand on his own cheek as Kurt pulled him into the kiss even more strongly. It wasn't what Blaine had expected, it was so much better. Even his dreams underestimated the passion one kiss could make him feel. Neither wanted to let go.
Blaine pulled away from the kiss and stopped midair, gazing upon the face of the exquisite boy in front of him, lids heavy, eyes dilated, lips swollen and face blushing. Kurt hadn't stopped him, had even encouraged him. But if Blackbird had been Kurt's goodbye, he wondered if he was too late.
Blaine prayed he wasn't, blushing as he sat back down. Self-conscious and unsure, he laughed away his doubts, bringing his arm to his head in a poor attempt to hide his feelings. "We should…we should practice."
He turned back to Kurt, who was looking at him, happier than he'd been in a very long time. I did that, Blaine thought. It warmed his heart, and eased his mind to know that he had put that smile on that beautiful face. "I thought we were."
Blaine leaned forward without hesitation, meeting Kurt's lips as he rose out of his chair. Blaine pulled Kurt up to standing as they kissed, breathing in deeply the smell, the taste and the feel of each other's kiss. It was still new and neither moved to deepen it, but it was the most loving and romantic feeling either had ever experienced. Every other kiss, Brittany, Karofsky, Rachel, became distant thoughts in their mind, never to haunt them again. When they each thought of their first kiss, this would forever be etched in their memory. When they finally pulled apart, neither could breath.
Cupping Kurt's face, Blaine eyed Kurt's swollen lips as he softly brushed his thumb over them. His gaze moved up to meet Kurt's eyes, his fingers caressing Kurt over his ear as if to tuck back a stray hair. He tenderly placed a hand on Kurt's neck. "I'm sorry it took me so long."
"It's ok." Kurt trembled at the gentle touch and laughed breathlessly. "It was worth the wait."
"Kurt Hummel," Blaine asked, "will you do me the honor of being my boyfriend?"
Blaine watched as Kurt brought his soft hands to Blaine's dark curls and moaned as Kurt pulled him in on his own for another kiss.
As Nick passed by the room, he glanced inside to see Blaine and Kurt locked together. He smiled. Blaine must have found his moment.
"Blaine Anderson," Kurt whispered pulling away slightly, leaving their foreheads touching. "I would love to be your boyfriend."
The Warblers were coming down from their post performance high as they quickly took their seats in between their performance and New Directions. Blaine took his backpack off and placed it on the floor, just as Rachel Berry took the solo microphone center stage. As he let go he felt a vibration in the bag, and despite his better judgment, unzipped it and grabbed his phone. He opened the text message that had arrived and his heart stopped.
Dad: We need to talk. You are to come home this weekend.
What have I done
I wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
What had he done? His mind immediately began to create excuses, stories, lies to delay the inevitable assault. Blaine quickly scanned the crowd, searching for the person who had outed him, but all he saw was a sea of faces, none of whom stood out. He calmed his breathing, reined in his panic and concentrated on Rachel's words.
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
And all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it right
He knew Kurt had whispered something to him but he didn't hear the words. Kurt. How could he have done this to Kurt? If his father sent him away, it would break both of their hearts now. Staring straight ahead, he grabbed Kurt's hand and squeezed tightly.
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
He wouldn't let go of Kurt. He would do whatever he had to in order to stay with him. Honesty would have to wait. He had been naïve. He would have to keep hiding. Hide his relationship with Kurt from his father. Hide his father from Kurt. Until he was stronger and wiser.
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care
Life for Blaine wasn't even close to fair. All he wanted was to love freely, openly, without fear or hesitation. He closed his eyes, and sent up a prayer that someday, his father would just accept him and allow him to be the man he was. He blinked back the tears that threatened to roll down his face.
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Oh my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take?
To get it right
To get it right.
Kurt turned to him and smiled as the crowd gave Rachel a standing ovation. Blaine let the love of his friends, his pride for Rachel, and the strong, protective hands of his boyfriend wash over him. The weekend was days away. He was here and this was now, and for a few more moments, he was still free.
A/N: I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter. Original Song means so much to me, I hope I didn't mess it up.
I will be taking a brief break from this, so I can get Chapter 7 of Way Out done before Episode 5. If I am still alive after November 8, Night of Neglect is next!