Chapter 11

Unthinkable

Copyright: Unfortunately I do not own Mortal Instruments and no money or action will ever give me that right. Instead it belongs to the wonderful Cassandra Clare. I'm just here to play around with her characters. Therefore all original ideas and concepts are mine.

I'm back! And with a half hour before February (at least in my time.) Exams finished this morning and now I am stress free and ready to break out on my keyboard and write up a bunch of chapters for you wonderful and amazing people. Hopefully you guys are still with me and the one month hiatus didn't feel too long. I know it felt like forever for me. Not being able to write has been killing me and I can't wait to start writing again. Thank you to all of you who left me reviews on my author's note, they were wonderful. Exams went extremely well so thank you for all the good luck wishes and I'm just happy they're done, at least for the next five months. All your reviews were wonderful surprises when I came on Fanfiction and I honestly have to say that I have the most amazing readers ever, and I honestly love all of you. Thank you. I know I say it a lot, but thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So as much as I would love to ramble on about how amazing all of you are I think you probably all just want the chapter after waiting a month. Hopefully you all like it. Enjoy my lovely readers!

Songs:

Crazy Love-Jensen Ackles and Jason Manns

I'll Cover You-Rent (Alec and Magnus-Scene 3)

Teenage Dream-Glee (Love, love, love this song. Alec and Magnus)

Let it Die-Three Days Grace (Camille and Magnus-Scene 1)

Magnus sat at his tree, enjoying the cool autumn air that blew against his bare skin. His sketchpad was in his hands and today he wasn't drawing his past, instead focusing on his present. He was drawing Alec. He thought back to the first sketch he had done of him. At that moment in time he had done it instinctively. He had felt himself drawn to the blue-eyed boy and his hand just drew. He had never thought at that moment he'd be where he was now, with Alec.

It was hard only being with him behind closed doors but he had told Alec he'd wait and so he would. His feelings for Alec outweighed his need to be in public with him and if waiting meant keeping him, he'd wait. He didn't know if he'd be able to wait forever but he'd wait as long as he could. The fact that Alec had already tried to tell his mom was a start. He would get there one day and Magnus' heart hoped it would be sooner rather than later.

Alec looked up as he heard footsteps nearing him. Camille stopped a few feet away from him. Magnus hadn't worried himself with the workings of her life since their break-up but he was aware that she had recently broke up with the theatre guy she had been with after him. The happiness that thinking about Alec gave him fell away as he met Camille's gaze. Why the hell was she here? They hadn't talked since their break-up and in all honesty, Magnus couldn't care less. Camille was a part of his life, a part he had no interest in any more. He thought she understood that there wasn't a 'them' anymore.

"Magnus, can we talk?" She stood confidently, prepared for whatever was to come.

"I'm a little busy right now."

"You're drawing," she said.

"Exactly. I'm busy." Magnus looked back down at his sketchpad hoping she'd just go away. He was happy, why did she have to ruin it? He knew what she wanted and he knew he wasn't going to give it to her.

"Magnus please," she begged. "Just give me five minutes."

Magnus glanced up at her. "Fine. Five minutes."

She took a deep breath before she began. "When we broke up, I was heartbroken. I thought losing you would be easier, but it wasn't. My life felt so cold, so empty. I missed you and I even missed that damn cat. Every day I remember all the memories we've had, the moments we've shared together. Every day I remember how much I loved you."

Magnus felt something pull in his heart. "Camille..."

"Please, just listen. You remember what we had, how we were together. We were perfect. We had something special Magnus, something other people never have."

Magnus sighed. Seriously? She honestly had to do this? She couldn't just let it be and accept that they were over? "Camille, look, I'll put it bluntly. What we had was sex. We were fuck buddies. The emotional part of our relationship was moulded upon both of our needs to be wanted. It wasn't love. It wasn't special. Camille, I'll never forget what we had, but it doesn't mean anything more. I'm sorry."

"Magnus please. I'm just asking for a chance. We could start over…"

"No. When I left you Camille, I left you for good. There's no starting over."

"But Magnus, I love you." Tears brimmed at Camille's eyes, falling onto the ground. Tears, well damn. Camille never cried. Crying wasn't in her nature, it never was. So if she was crying, well Magnus couldn't just ignore it as nothing. But he had to say, he had terrible luck. He could never just leave the past behind. It always had to come and bite him in the ass. Which it did doubly hard when Magnus saw Alec standing a short distance away from Camille.

Magnus' heart fell when he saw Alec. He was in hearing range enough to have heard Camille's last words. Hurt flashed across his face as his eyes wavered. He shook his head before turning and walking away. Magnus shot upright as he started to go after Alec, but stopped when he realized it was no use. Alec needed time to think and he had to clear things up with Camille. Besides it wasn't a conversation to be had in public.

He watched Camille's gaze follow his and realization fell over her face. "I see. I knew you'd go that way again eventually." She looked down at the ground and back at Magnus. "Are you happy?"

"Yes."

"Good." Camille brushed a tear away from her eye as she took a deep breath. "Well I'm happy for you. Bye Magnus." Camille took a few steps backwards before turning and walking away.

Magnus let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. That was definitely not how he had wanted to end his day. He just prayed Camille would keep her mouth shut about what she knew.

Magnus leaned down, collecting his books and his book bag as he prepared himself for talking to Alec. He just hoped he was as understanding as Camille turned out to be.

Magnus waited patiently on the couch for Alec to come back to the dorm room. He had gone there first since he knew Alec had to come back eventually. He couldn't hide out in the library forever. Magnus knew it was going to bring about a fight so he had prepared himself. He didn't want the fight to be bad, he just wanted to explain to Alec what was going on. But he knew what Alec was thinking. The boy was self-conscious and Magnus knew Alec still thought he was going to leave him because Alec thought he wasn't good enough. He just wished Alec didn't think that. He had no desire to leave him, especially for Camille.

The door clicked open as Alec walked inside. He glanced at Magnus slightly but continued to his desk where he dropped off his books. Magnus could feel the tension between them and he could hear what Alec was thinking as if he was screaming at him. Alec had had time to cool down about his original reaction, but he was still angry.

"Alec, we need to talk."

"I understand." Alec turned around to look at Magnus.

"No Alec, you don't."

"I heard what she said Magnus. That rings pretty clear to me." Alec sighed. "I mean I get it, I do. She loves you. And what you had together, it was pretty big. Special." Alec bit his lip as he paused. "And you love her too, still. It only makes sense."

"Excuse me?"

"You love her." Alec couldn't bring himself to look at Magnus; instead his eyes were focused on a stray thread on his sweater.

"I love her?" A spark ignited inside Magnus. Who was Alec to jump to that conclusion? He didn't know the half of it, and he definitely did not know anything about what he and Camille had had. "Seriously Alec? That's what you think?"

"You do don't you?"

"No." The word came out forcefully and Magnus watched Alec flinch as the word hit him. "No Alec, I don't love her. I don't love her now and I never loved her. Damn it Alec, I don't even know what love is. I haven't felt love in so long that I don't even know what it feels like anymore. I mean, what does it honestly mean to love someone? Is it realizing that you can't live without that person, or that finally that piece of you that's been missing is finally found? What is love Alec?" Magnus took a deep breath, a saddened pain ripping through him as he finally voiced what he had never said to a single soul-that he didn't know what love was. He had known, once upon a time, but he'd forgotten. He loved his mother, but she was the last one who ever knew his heart. "So please Alec, don't accuse me of something I don't even know about." The words fell from his lips as anger rode through him. He was pissed at Alec for even coming to that ridiculous conclusion. And besides, he didn't know. He didn't understand.

"Magnus…" Alec seemed to be at a loss for words. "I…"

"Didn't stop to think did you? Never thought that maybe I didn't return the sentiment? That I told her I didn't love her?" Alec's eyes fell. "Of course not," Magnus scoffed stepping back. "I know you're scared and this is new to you but why are you so willing to jump to the conclusion that I don't want to be with you? I don't care about all the little things Alec, I care about you, and if you can't see that then I've been wasting my time." Magnus turned away not able to bear looking at Alec any longer. He hated when he got mad. He said the things he'd locked away so that he didn't say them and he turned into someone he didn't want to become. Plus, this conversation brought up a part of him that he had buried. His heart. He hated talking about love or even thinking about it. But looking at Alec, love took on a whole new meaning. It wasn't that he loved Alec, it was too soon for that and he didn't even really know what love was, but looking at Alec, love became something real. Something Magnus could almost believe in. It was because Alec was breaking down his walls. Alec was breaking into his heart, breaking into the place where he had buried love many, many years ago.

"Magnus I'm sorry."

Magnus stood still, breathing slowly. He didn't want to turn away but Alec had no right to act the way he did. Jealousy was normal, but really? Did Alec not trust him?

Magnus turned around slowly, folding his arms across his chest as he met Alec's gaze. Alec stood there awkwardly, clearly in turmoil over his idiocy. "You can't say I'm sorry every time we fight and think I'll forgive you."

"I'm really, really, really sorry." Alec bit his lip as he played nervously with the hem of his sleeve.

A small smile tugged at the side of Magnus' mouth, one, because of the adorable way in which Alec had found to respond, and two, the way he had pulled his lip behind his teeth. An image of sucking that lip into his own mouth flashed through his brain but he pushed it away.

"Don't think being adorable will make me forgive you either Alexander."

"Ok, fine I screwed up. I overreacted because I got jealous and when I heard her say that I felt worthless and I felt like you were going to leave me for her." Alec looked down at the ground ashamed. "I'm so willing to jump to the conclusion that you don't want to be with me because I don't feel like I deserve you." He looked up at Magnus and the beautiful blue of his eyes wavered. "You deserve better."

Magnus felt his heart drop. How could he say that? How could he even think that? Maybe the same way you do Magnus. True. That same statement was the same thing that ran like a broken record player through Magnus' thoughts. He didn't think he deserved Alec. He felt like he was holding Alec back, that Alec deserved better than the broken mess that was Magnus. "Don't tell me what I deserve Alec. Only I get to choose that," he took a few steps towards Alec, "And I don't want anything more than you." He closed the small distance between them. He placed a hand on Alec's face, massaging a glittered finger across his skin. "It's you that I thought deserved better."

"Magnus, don't say that." Alec's eyes wavered but they made their way up to meet Magnus' gaze.

"Okay." Magnus smiled softly. "I won't if you promise that you won't."

Alec nodded. "I promise."

"Good. Now Alec, Camille means nothing to me, understand? She wanted to get back together and I told her no because right here, with you, is where I want to be." Alec glanced down, biting his lip as a pink blush painted his face. "You have to trust me Alec, and you have to have a little bit more faith in yourself. You are far from worthless and pathetic and all those other words I know are circling in that wonderful mind of yours. You are beautiful and I want nothing more than to call you mine." Magnus placed his hand on Alec's chin lifting his face to look at him. "Do we have an understanding?"

"That I'm an idiot, yeah."

Magnus smiled. "Only sometimes." He leaned in, taking Alec's lips with his. He pulled Alec's lower lip from between his teeth, rubbing his tongue along the small indentations Alec's teeth had left. Alec moaned against his mouth as Magnus delved his tongue between Alec's lips. Heat rushed through him with their contact and the whole world fell away. It was only Alec.

"So I guess this means I'm forgiven?" Alec asked against Magnus' mouth.

"You're forgiven. But don't think you can be your cute adorable self every time and I'll forgive you."

"Damn. Here I was thinking it would work." Magnus grinned. Yeah, there was a chance it would work again and that's because Magnus found Alec irresistible even when he was being infuriating.

"That's just wishful thinking." Magnus paused, sliding a hand down Alec's side as he pulled the boy closer. "As for wishful and thinking, there's one thing I've been wishing to do all day."

"And what is that?"

"Just a little of this." Magnus kissed Alec's lips. "And this." He placed a kiss on Alec's jawbone. "And this." He kissed a trail up Alec's jawbone to his ear, lingering on the sensitive spot behind it. Their hands held their bodies together, creating a foundation for the sparks that flew between them. Alec moaned as Magnus continued to kiss his neck. His lips moved back to Alec's slowly, capturing them with his own. He loved holding Alec there and knowing that at that point in time, Alec wasn't going anywhere. They weren't fighting and he felt like Alec might actually start to trust the whole situation. He felt happy and waiting for Alec all day and fighting with him felt worth it

And the pain that was in his heart also felt worth it. It was not the kind of pain you would sleep through or take medication for, but it was the kind of soothing, relieving pain that you embraced. It was the pain of his heart ripping open, slowly coming out to the face the world. It was the feeling of not being cold anymore, of letting the numbness slowly wash away. The walls were chipping, falling to the ground in a crumbled, broken heap. And behind those walls was his heart. Behind those breaking walls that Magnus thought would never fall, was love. And slowly, day by day, minute by minute, Magnus was finding himself falling in love with Alec.

Alec strolled through the library aisles in attempt to find a book for his and Magnus' current History project. He had found a few but the task was not at the front of Alec's attention. His mind kept wavering back to Magnus and the little fight they had shared the day before. Magnus' words kept circling through his head like a broken record player, playing over and over again until it became all that Alec could think about. You are beautiful and I want nothing more than to call you mine. That was what he had said to him. Alec had never felt so good and so wanted in his life.

But Magnus could say whatever he wanted; Alec was still an idiot for what he did. He let his fears cloud his judgement and so he thought the worst. He should have known better than to think such things, and Magnus had every right to be mad at him and not forgive him. He hated that he had been so stupid to do such a thing to Magnus. He did it because he was insecure about himself and he thought his fears would push Magnus away. He didn't want to push him away; he wanted to bring him closer. But by hiding, he was building a wall between them and what they could become. He didn't want to build a wall, but he was. He knew that all he had to do was come out, but that was easier to think about then to actually do. He wasn't like Magnus. Being gay seemed to come easily to Magnus and it just fit with his outgoing and eccentric personality. Magnus had no problem with who he was and Alec only wished he could follow that example.

Alec leaned down to search the bottom shelf, selecting one of the books simply because it had 'revolution' in the title. He hated that Magnus had chosen this time to work on their project. Alec didn't have the mind power to focus on anything else but Magnus.

Alec stood up slowly, bumping into a solid figure as he straightened.

"The Cooking Revolution. Interesting, I didn't know you could cook."

Alec glanced down at the book in his hand, taking in the title before turning to look at Magnus. He stood behind him, a grin on his glittered face.

"I can't." Alec placed the book back on a shelf at random. "I thought it said something else."

"Damn, and here I was looking forward to seeing what you would look like in an apron cooking me breakfast." His eyes flashed with amusement.

"First, I am never wearing an apron, and second, don't eat my breakfast unless you have a death wish."

"Well, I guess there's just something else I'll have to teach you."

"How to wear an apron, or how to cook edible food?"

Magnus laughed. "Both darling." He smiled, moving in so that only the books in Alec's hands separated them. He grabbed them, taking them out of Alec's hands and setting them down on a discarded cart. He closed the rest of the distance between them.

"Magnus?" Alec's voice hitched as he looked around to see if anyone was near them. What was he doing?

"There's no one here Alec. You picked the most deserted, least used aisle in this library to search for books." Magnus placed his hands on either side of Alec, holding him against the bookshelf with his body.

"What if someone comes?" Once again, his fears were overtaking every feeling he had for Magnus.

"What if they do? What are they going to do?" Magnus looked down at Alec, locking his gaze. "Take a step with me Alec. Let those fears go and be free with me for one minute."

"I can't." The words caught in his throat. He couldn't. It was that simple. He had completely failed to tell his mother about his sexuality and when she had called back he had bailed that time too. He had made up a stupid excuse about stress and school and had instead diverted the conversation to when he was going back home the weekend after Halloween. He had done all he could to divert the conversation from the topic it should be and he knew he had failed miserably. His mother wasn't stupid, she had to know something was going on with him. Alec wanted to tell his mother, he did. He wanted to tell his whole family. He was just scared. It was as simple as any other fear. Yet Magnus made him believe in being free, in being safe. He made him want to take a step. He knew he had to take it one day so why not take it with Magnus there to catch him if he fell?

"You can, Alec. And if someone comes, I'll protect you. I promise."

"You promise?"

"That's what I said isn't it?" Magnus smiled, taking Alec's hands with his. "Take a step with me?"

Alec looked from their enclosed hands to Magnus' eyes. Those damn eyes got him each time and he almost wanted to smack Magnus for being so hard to deny. How could one man make Alec so weak, so vulnerable? Take a step. He could do it. He could, right?

Alec took a deep breath and in Magnus' eyes he saw everything he had ever wanted. Magnus deserved something for everything he gave Alec. Alec needed to take that step with him, to give to him part of what Alec knew he wanted. No one would come; the library was deserted so no one would see. Alec could take the step knowing there were people there but still knowing that they had no idea.

He let out a breath before leaning forward to capture Magnus' lips. He felt Magnus smile against his mouth as he moved to hold Alec's arms against the bookshelf. Alec's tongue darted out between Magnus' lips as he let the emotions fill him and wash away his fears. They'd come back later but at that moment, Alec was happy and he was ready to take steps with Magnus. Magnus told him it would be okay, so maybe it would be.

Magnus' body against his and the feeling of doing something he had always feared sent a rush of electric heat through his body. It was so much more different than their stolen kisses in the dorm room. This one was full of buried passion and want that had released itself in Alec's heart. He pushed against Magnus' lips, revelling in the moan that escaped Magnus' lips. Magnus broke away to catch his breath but within seconds, his lips were back, his tongue darting between Alec's lips. Magnus pushed his body up against Alec's, his hips brushing against his. The leather pants Magnus had on left nothing to Alec's imagination and only fuelled the passion that was ripping through him.

This wasn't so scary after all. Alec was actually yearning for more, his body craving more of Magnus' touch. It was at that moment that he wished he was in the dorm room, not for the secrecy, but for the cover that would allow Alec to do whatever he wanted. Magnus pulled his lips away, moving them to suck and nip at Alec's neck. His tongue teased Alec's skin as he closed the remaining centimetre between them.

Magnus pulled away suddenly as both of them heard the oncoming footsteps.

"There it is." Magnus let go of Alec's arms, leaning upwards to take down a book that was just above Alec's head. Smooth Magnus. Magnus backed away from Alec just as the footsteps rounded the corner into their aisle. Alec felt the blood rushing to his cheeks at a speed that almost equalled that of Magnus' cover up. He wanted to kiss him right there just for having quick thinking. The disappointment of the moment being broken flashed through him, but it had to be. They couldn't be caught. Not only did he not want to be seen but there was something about making out in the back of a library that didn't need to be seen whether the couple was straight or not. Sure, it had been irresistibly hot, but it had been a risk. A risk worth taking, but a risk none the less.

"Alec, hey. What a pleasant surprise to see you here? What are you doing?"

It was Anna. After their mishap at the party, they had continued to remain friends. At least, they were friends as much as study buddies were. Alec had saw a part of Anna that night he didn't like and, given, she clearly had a grudge against his boyfriend, he felt obliged to remain distant with her. Plus, the awkwardness he felt was overwhelming. But he didn't have many people he talked to at Idris besides Magnus and Magnus' friends, so having someone to talk to outside of that part of his life was nice.

Alec took a deep breath, looking up at Magnus who was leisurely leaning against the bookshelf reading a book on botany. Alec would have found that funny if they weren't in their current situation. He envied Magnus' seamless ability to always appear calm no matter what the situation; especially given Alec knew his face was flaming like a tomato. Hopefully Anna wouldn't notice since the lighting in their aisle was terrible.

"Uh, yeah…project. History," Alec stuttered.

"Fun." Her eyes trailed over to glare at Magnus. "You know Magnus, I'm pretty sure the Twilight novels are that way."

Magnus looked up from the book he was holding, shutting it closed firmly. "Oh please, are you trying to insult me, because that was terrible? Edward Cullen ain't got nothing on this." Magnus trailed his hands down his body.

Alec stifled a laugh, catching a glare from Anna.

Magnus pushed himself up from the bookshelf, replacing the book randomly. "Now would you mind getting your skanky ass out of here? Alec and I have things to do and we don't need your intolerable screeching interrupting us."

Anna scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest. "You're a real fucking asshole."

"Ouch, I'm offended." Magnus placed a melodramatic hand over his heart. "Got anything else?" He met Anna's eyes.

Anna resorted to looking at Alec who had remained silent and uncomfortable through their exchange. "I really thought you had a better judge of character than that Alec."

"Ok, so now you're insulting him which is just enforcing my opinion that you're a bitch. Now say what you want to me, but Alec did nothing."

Anna looked from Magnus to Alec. "Maybe, but he did choose you as a friend." Anna looked one last time at Alec and a sort of sadness flashed through her eyes. Alec couldn't quite pinpoint why before she was gone. Alec let out a breath he was unaware he'd been holding as he turned to look at Magnus.

"Go ahead, tell me. I've got a bad choice in friends."

"Friends maybe, but not boyfriends." Magnus grinned as he met Alec's gaze. He placed his hands on Alec's biceps, rubbing his hands up and down as he placed a light kiss on Alec's lips. "Was it a good step?"

"It was a good step."

"Good. Now let's go finish that project."

Hopefully you all liked it! It was a bit of a filler chapter for the main plot line but I liked how it turned out. Anyway, let me know what you think and I hope it was worth the wait. The next chapter will be up within the week or so hopefully, it'll depend how busy the first week back to school is. Plus I finally just got a job in my small town so my time's growing limited. But I will find time for writing because I absolutely love where this story is going and writing it for you amazing people. Thank you for being with me for all of this and I hope you continue to stay with me, Magnus, and Alec, for the rest of this story. Thanks and have a great week!

Amber