Chapter 20

Unloved

Hello my lovely readers! Yes I'm back, two days after my last update. Does that surprise anyone? I know it surprised me. This never happens. But the creative juices were really flowing and who was I to deny them a place to go? You can also thank my beta for getting it back to me as quick as she did. She is amazing. She knows that already but i'll say it again.

Anyway, thanks for all the lovely lovely reviews from the last chapter. I'm so glad you all liked it and it came out okay. But now, on to the next chapter. I really like this one so I hope you guys all like it too. Thanks for reading. Enjoy!

Songs:

Brave (Piano version)-Gavin Mikhail (Magnus to Alec/Alec to Magnus. I absolutely love this song for them. It's all about being proud and brave, two things that both of our boys need to be. I almost feel like it's a theme song for both of them to the other. If you want to listen to it you'll probably have to go to Youtube to get it. Just look him up and watch the video where he's playing the piano. I don't really like the other version as much and the piano one is the one that holds the needed emotion.)

For Nancy-Gavin Creel (Alec to Maryse-So I cried when I first listened to this song. It's absolutely beautiful and not only is Gavin Creel amazing, but this song is so perfectly written and the emotion is amazing. It's on Youtube so please take the time to at least listen to it. It's beautiful.)

These Four Walls-Gavin Creel (Okay, I'm using him again but that's because I absolutely love him and these songs are perfect for what I think in this chapter. Listen to the words and think of Magnus and Alec and their secret and how it plays with their relationship. This song's just beautiful. Enough said.)

Magnus stood at the door to Alec's bedroom, having an inner battle with himself to knock on the door. A part of him wanted to knock, to have Alec answer and then apologize for the night before and say he loved him too, but the other part of Magnus couldn't do it. Alec had caught Magnus off guard the night before. He had been so proud of Alec for telling his parents and so ripped apart inside at Alec's mother's reaction that he had in no way been expecting Alec's words. He was not at all prepared, and those words… they were just too much.

Magnus had both feared and anticipated the day that Alec would tell him he loved him. He had heard 'I love you' before. His mother had told him and he knew she meant it. Camille had told him but thwy had been empty words. William had told him, and when he did, Magnus ran away. He either ran from or lost the people who loved him; it was the story of his life. He didn't want to run from Alec and he didn't want to lose him, but running would mean just that. He had literally spent most of his life running away from love ever since the moment he had lost it. Magnus was afraid of love, afraid of letting his heart feel again and then having it broken and ripped apart. He had the feeling that Alec wouldn't hurt him, the boy had even promised he wouldn't, but Magnus couldn't just get over his fear that easily. It was so easy for him to just run, to hide and never face the truth of his life. But now he had to. He had to face Alec. He had to face the fact that someone said they loved him.

He had to face the fact that he loved Alec too.

Magnus didn't answer Alec because he didn't feel the same way, but because his fear gripped him in that moment so hard that he couldn't think of how to word how he felt. It had been so long that he didn't know how to love anymore. He was so afraid of making a mistake by not saying it right or at the right time. He was so afraid of love.

When Alec voiced those three words, everything Magnus had been hiding from found him. And with that, the last remnants of the walls around his heart broke down. Now they were just rubble, pitiful remains of the guard that once stood around his heart. But with the falling of those walls came the ability for someone to enter his heart. Alec had been that person from the very beginning, the person who broke the walls down. Now he was in and he had Magnus' heart completely. He wanted to say it out loud so badly, but he just couldn't. He wanted to tell Alec that he loved him but he was afraid. He knew he shouldn't be afraid anymore, that for once the person he loved really loved him back, so there was nothing to run from. There was only something to run to.

Yet, Magnus still couldn't bring himself to knock. He didn't want to see that look in Alec's eyes again; that look of complete heartbreak and utter disappointment. He hated knowing he had caused that look in those beautiful eyes that he had grown to know so well. He hated that he had caused Alec pain. Alec had promised to never hurt him and he should have made him that same promise. But then again, it's a good thing he didn't because he couldn't keep his promises. One way or another, he always hurt the people who loved him.

Magnus raised his hand to knock, but couldn't bring his knuckles to rap the wood. He wanted to but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Magnus sighed, dropping his hand to lay useless at his side. He turned, heading away from Alec's room. It hurt him with each and every step but he just couldn't do it. He couldn't face Alec yet.

He stopped at Isabelle's door, this time bringing himself to knock on the wood. The door flew open quickly, a very happy Isabelle on the other side. When she saw Magnus her face fell. God, was it that obvious that he was extremely depressed? Apparently.

"Magnus? Are you okay?"

"No Izzy, not really."

"Well come in." Isabelle got out of the way as Magnus walked inside. He moved to Isabelle's bed, sitting down tentatively on the edge. He didn't know why he went to Isabelle since he really did need to go to Alec, but he needed someone to talk to. He knew Isabelle was Alec's sister and that wasn't exactly the best person to talk to, but Isabelle herself was who Magnus needed. Not Alec's sister. He just needed advice, someone to help him in something he would actually admit he knew nothing about. Ask Magnus about anything else and he knew the answer, but ask him about love and he knew nothing.

"Magnus, what's wrong?"

"I need your advice. But as a friend, not as Alec's sister."

"Sure, what's up?"

Magnus sighed. Well, might as well just say it and get it over with. "Your brother told me he loved me."

The squeal that left Isabelle's lips was ear shattering. "Oh my God Magnus, that's amazing!"

"Not really."

"Huh?" The happiness she had possessed earlier dissipated just as quickly as it had materialized.

"I didn't say it back Isabelle."

"Goddamn it. Of course you didn't." Isabelle crossed the room, sitting down next to Magnus on the bed. "What is it with you two and not saying things back to each other?"

"Excuse me?" Magnus looked at Isabelle questionably.

"Every time one of you is mad at the other it's because they didn't say something back. Last time you fought, you told him how much you wanted him and he just stood there and did nothing. Now he tells you he loves you and you say nothing. God, you two are complete idiots."

"I came here for friendly advice Izzy not to have someone joke about my intelligence."

Isabelle sighed. "I'm sorry. But I meant it Magnus. Why didn't you say it back to him?"

Magnus looked down at his hands, averting Isabelle's gaze. Wow, was this ever a bad idea. Telling her why he didn't say it back meant telling her about his fear, a fear no one else knew. He'd never admitted it out loud, not even to himself. So how was he supposed to explain to Isabelle why he didn't tell her brother that he loved him? How was she supposed to understand?

"Because I couldn't."

"Well isn't that a bullshit excuse. Magnus if you don't love him just tell him and let the boy down easily. It's better than leaving him hanging, because then you're just a dick."

"Izzy, please." Magnus didn't know what to do. Of course she'd react as the sister and not as the friend. He knew this was a bad idea.

"I assure you that that was friend. If it was sister I would have bitch slapped your stupid ass by now."

Magnus smiled, laughing softly as he caught the smile that crossed Isabelle's face too. "That's nice to know." Magnus fiddled absentmindedly with his fingers, peeling off a recently applied layer of nail polish. "Izzy, do you think I'm a coward?"

"Magnus, why the hell would I think that?

"Because I do love Alec and yet I still couldn't tell him that."

"Oh." A few seconds passed between them. "Well why didn't you tell him?"

Magnus took a deep, shaky breath. What the hell? Might as well say it, let it all out. He was so done with the inner fight he was having with himself. He saw the relief in Alec's eyes when he let out what he'd always wanted to say, so if Alec could do it Magnus could do it. Besides, it's not like what he had to admit even touched the mountain of stuff Alec admitted last night. "Because I'm afraid of love."

"Well that's just fucking stupid."

Magnus looked up at Isabelle incredulously. "I'm sorry?" The nonchalant manner in which Isabelle replied to his fear caught him off guard. Only Isabelle would reply so simply to something so important.

"How can you be afraid of love Magnus?"

"I don't know Isabelle, it's just something that's always been a part of me. My mother was the last person I ever truly loved and I lost her." Magnus paused, thinking. "When my last boyfriend told me he loved me I ran. I got scared and I left."

"You're not going to do that to Alec are you?" A fire lit in Isabelle's eyes.

"No Isabelle. I don't plan to. I love your brother. With William, I wasn't just scared, I didn't love him back. But Alec, he's taught me what it feels like to love again. I don't want to be scared Izzy."

"Then don't be. Love is so beautiful. What's so scary about having somebody who knows every single part of you but loves you anyway? What's so scary about having someone who will hold you and listen to you and see you for you? Don't be scared Magnus. You've got something here so don't fuck it up by being a coward. You're afraid of being hurt by loving Alec, but you're just hurting yourself by running. And you're hurting him."

"Since when did you become such an expert on love?"

"Since my brother and his boyfriend became shitty at it." They both laughed as Magnus finally brought himself to look at her. "Look Magnus, I've never seen my brother happier then when he's with you. And I know you had a hand in him coming out and I am so grateful for that. You're the best thing to ever happen to my brother, and I know he meant it when he said he loved you. You're not a coward Magnus, until you run from it forever. It's okay to be afraid of love, to be afraid of getting hurt. But you've got to take that chance, or you will regret it forever. Run after my brother and tell him you love him or I will become his sister instead of your friend, and you don't want to see that."

"Are you blackmailing me to tell your brother I love him?"

"Only slightly prodding you in the right direction."

Magnus laughed. "Thank-you Isabelle."

"That's what I'm here for. Isabelle Lightwood, open to supply love advice in everyone else's life but her own."

Magnus caught a change in Isabelle's voice in that last part, despite the joking manner in which she spoke. "Isabelle, what's going on?"

It was Isabelle's turn to advert her gaze to her perfectly manicured nails. "It's Simon."

"Band-geek-who's-in-major-need-of-a-haircut Simon?"

"Yeah, that one."

"Do you like him?" Magnus teased.

Isabelle groaned. "Is it that obvious?"

"'Love advice in everyone else's life but her own.'" Magnus repeated as if to make his point. "Someone's crushing on the band geek." Magnus pushed Isabelle playfully in the side. "And yet there appears to be a problem. Does he not like you back?"

"Yeah he likes me back. You know that date I had last night? Well, he kissed me."

If Isabelle had said that with any more enthusiasm Magnus would have squealed in excitement with her, but Isabelle's apparent mood didn't warrant that. "And this is a bad thing?"

"Yes...No." Isabelle threw her head in her hands in frustration. "I don't know what to do. I like him Magnus. I like him a lot."

"Then why are you confused about it? I don't see a problem with any of this."

Isabelle sighed, removing her head from her hands as she looked at Magnus. "Can I tell you something?"

"Seeing as this week's been the week for telling people things, shoot."

"I've never actually had a boyfriend." Magnus felt his jaw drop at that statement, but he quickly recovered. "Okay, now don't say anything. See, I've had flings, I've been on dates, and I've been with men, but I've never actually had a boyfriend that lasted more than like a week and was anything more than physical. I want a serious relationship with Simon. I never thought I'd be saying that, but I do. And you see, I'm scared of messing up. I don't know how to do the whole serious boyfriend thing. Simon means a lot to me, and I don't want to mess it up."

Magnus smiled, placing a hand on Isabelle's to calm her fidgeting. "Darling, I'll bet all the money I have that that boy has never had a girlfriend before or even has the slightest idea of what to do with one. Now take your own advice and take a chance. If you care about him as much as you say you do then there isn't anything wrong with taking that chance."

Isabelle smiled lightly. "And if I make a mistake?"

"That's a relationship sweetheart. There's no running away from making mistakes. Now chipper up. Frowns look terrible on you Lightwood siblings."

Isabelle laughed. "Thanks Magnus."

"No, thank you." Magnus stood up. "Now I have to go. I have a certain blue eyed angel that I need to say 'I love you' to." He started for the door, spotting Isabelle's cell phone on her dresser. He picked it up throwing it at her. "Call him. Or else."

"'Or else'? Is that blackmail?" Isabelle caught the phone as she looked at Magnus.

"Think of it as slight prodding in the right direction."

"I hate you."

"Say that with more meaning and I might just believe you."

"Oh, shut up."

Magnus grinned. "Love you."

"Whatever."

Magnus laughed as he left the room to go find Alec. Seeing Isabelle had turned out to be a good idea after all. She was able to help him and in the end, he was able to help her solve her own problems too. Now he just hoped he would be able to fix his problem with Alec.

Alec walked down the hallway for the library, his mind wandering aimlessly back and forth between his parents and Magnus. He couldn't seem to shake either of the looks he had seen in their eyes. His mother's were so cold, emotionless, not even blinking in their frozen blue state. Magnus' weren't anything. They were just blank, so blank that Alec couldn't get a single thing from them. Yet he knew that behind them, Magnus was having some sort of inner battle. That's what always happened when his eyes were blank. Alec could always pinpoint some emotion in them, except for when Magnus himself didn't know what emotions he was feeling. Alec didn't take that as a good sign.

Alec had cried himself to sleep that night, and that sleep had been short lived and restless. Instead of dreams, he just kept replaying the night in his head like a broken record, cycling over and over with no end.

Alec felt terrible. He felt lost and alone in some foreign world that was so unlike what it had been. He felt like he had lost everything that had held him down to Earth. His mother, the woman who nurtured him and raised him, now hated him for what he had grown to be. His boyfriend, the man who was everything to Alec, hadn't been able to reply when Alec said he loved him. He knew now that he was right in never opening his mouth to tell people things. The running and the hiding felt so much better than the feeling of having his heart ripped apart and stripped naked for the world to see. He was so stupid to think everything would be okay. He was so stupid to have believed Magnus when he said it would all work out and life would be better. It wasn't better. It was terrible and Alec wanted to run far far away from it. He wanted to run away from what he'd said to his parents, from his proclamation to Magnus, and from those dead blank eyes that told him nothing.

His heart had never felt this broken. It felt like someone had run it over with a train, thrown it in a blender, and then tried to stitch it back together again. He'd done everything Magnus had asked him to do. He had come out to his family and he had told them about Magnus. That was what Magnus had wanted and Alec thought things would be better after that. He had risked everything for Magnus. He had taken that fucking step that Magnus wanted, and where had it left him? Alone. The least Magnus could have done was said something to him instead of just sit there. He could have given him something, an explanation maybe. Alec had done all that for him and Magnus hadn't given him a damn thing. It made Alec feel like it didn't mean anything. He knew that probably wasn't true but it didn't make it hurt any less. He felt like Magnus was asking so much of him and when he got it, Alec got nothing in return. And now, his mother hated him, his heart was in shreds, and life pretty much sucked, to say the least. It was one of those moments in life where you wish you had a remote so you could rewind life and make a different decision. Then he wouldn't have told his mother he was gay and he wouldn't have told Magnus he loved him. He wouldn't have been so stupid to think that things would get better. Life may not have been easy when he was in the closet, but it was much simpler. His mother loved him when he was in the closet, for starters, and his heart wasn't a big pile of chopped up pieces. Alec really wanted to take a page out of Magnus' playbook. Run. Just run from everything, keep it to yourself and it will never cause a problem. Alec wanted to think everything he'd done was right, but it was so hard when his heart regretted each and every second of it.

Alec opened the door to the library, hoping no one would be in it. He always ran to the library when he needed to think about his life and try to figure things out. The books were a reassuring surrounding that Alec knew wouldn't fail him even if the rest of the world did. It was easy for him to lose himself there, and for just a few hours, forget about the pain and the fear that surrounded his life.

Alec looked up to see his mother sitting in the chair Alec normally chose when he read. It overlooked the ground outside and, at the angle it sat, the sunlight always shone perfectly, supplying a warm comfort and no need for a light.

Alec froze when he saw her. He didn't want to talk to her. He couldn't do that yet. Alec tried to back away slowly, hoping his mother hadn't heard him, but she always heard everything. She was a mother with four kids who got into more trouble than they were worth, so nothing got past her.

"Alec, don't leave."

He closed the door behind him, but remained standing where he was.

"Come here." Her voice was quiet, echoing slightly through the vast room.

Alec felt his heart hitch in his chest as he started walking towards her. What was she going to say? She said she'd needed time so had she had that time? Was she ready to lay down her verdict on how she felt about him? Alec honestly prayed she didn't. He wasn't ready yet.

Alec stopped a few feet from his mother.

"Do you remember when Jace first came here?"

Alec nodded, wondering what Jace had to do with anything.

"You were very withdrawn and you hated him. I couldn't figure out why but then you told me it was because you thought I would love him more than you." Maryse smiled slightly at the memory. She looked up at him in that moment and could see evidence that she had been crying. Crying? His mother didn't even have tear ducts. But then again, maybe she was more human than she came off to be. "I told you to never worry about such things because you were my son and I would always love you." She paused. "I made a promise that I would love you no matter what." That part was added with a tinge of sadness that flashed in his mother's eyes. "Do you remember that?"

"Yeah." Alec remembered it very well. It was the first and only time in his life his mother had really shown any emotion.

"I've never broken a promise to any of you kids." Maryse paused, taking in a deep breath. She appeared to fighting with herself, choosing her words carefully. She stood up, turning to look at her son. "But last night I broke that promise to you. I let you down when you needed me most and I will never forgive myself for that." Her gaze wavered, something it never did. Today was growing to be a day of seeing Maryse do things she never did. She took another deep breath. "I guess a part of me knew. But I'll admit that that part of me didn't want to believe it. It's easy for me to see you as my little boy, my first born son. I just had this vision of you marrying a woman and having children and I wasn't ready to admit that you weren't that vision. And that was so wrong of me Alec. I'm your mother. I'm supposed to encourage you to be who you want to be and to follow your heart, and when you did, I turned you down. I failed you and I broke my promise. I said I'd love you no matter what, no matter whom you chose to be and no matter whom you chose to love." Maryse paused and Alec remained speechless, letting his mother's words sink in. He had been expecting a denial of him or a 'we'll figure it out' sort of speech, not this. It was so unlike his mother and so unlike anything Alec had expected to hear. He wasn't even sure what to do with himself now, or what to say in response to what she was saying.

"I can't say that this will be easy. I mean, I can't even say I really know what you being gay means. But I will try because I owe it to you to understand. I love you Alec, every part of you and I don't care that you're gay because that is who you are and it doesn't change a thing. You're still my son and I'm sorry I didn't give you what you wanted last night, but I really did need time. I needed to process what this meant and how I felt about it. It was selfish and it hurt you, so I just hope you can forgive me."

"Mom..." Alec didn't know what to say. This was his dream come true of what he wanted her to say. He wanted her to say she loved him and accepted him no matter what, and she did. She admitted she didn't really know what it meant, but Alec understood that. He didn't really expect them to understand, he just wanted them to accept him. This really was the best thing Alec could have asked for. He had been so afraid and after last night, he was even more afraid now. But now, he realized that Magnus was right. He was her son, and so she would love him no matter what. "Thank you." There, that was all he could say. Those words meant everything to him. Alec felt a few tears coming on but forced them back. He'd done enough crying already and he didn't want to cry anymore, even if they were tears of joy.

Maryse nodded. "You're welcome."

"But you're really okay with this? With who I am?" The part of Alec that was still in disbelief was the part that asked that question. He just needed to hear it again. He needed to hear that acceptance one more time just to know that this wasn't a very realistic dream.

"I'm okay with it. I'm sorry that I wasn't last night. That wasn't what you wanted."

"No, it wasn't. It hurt Mom. I was so afraid of telling you and Dad because I was afraid you'd hate me."

"Alec, we'd never hate you." He caught his mother falter and could almost swear a tear glittered at the corner of her eye.

"I didn't know that. I thought you two wouldn't accept me for who I was, that I would disappoint you." He let the words tumble out. She needed to know how he felt. She needed to know how hard it was for him to tell her, for him to muster up the courage to face their decision. She needed to know how much it hurt.

"Alec, you could never disappoint us, you know that."

"No I didn't Mom. My whole life I've always done things to make you and Dad happy, always trying to live up to this vision I thought you guys had of me."

"Alec..."

"I've never done anything that disappointed you two before. I've just always done what I thought that you two would think was okay. I didn't think being gay was okay. I didn't think it fit what you wanted of me. I didn't want to let you guys down."

"Oh, Alec." Maryse snapped, pulling Alec into a hug. He had only felt Maryse's arms around him a few times before. Normally, they were half-hearted hugs that didn't really mean anything, but this hug meant everything. The feel of his mother's arms around him calmed his soul. In that hug, that physical connection, Alec finally felt that acceptance. He'd never seen his mother break emotionally, and here she was. He felt a tear seep through his shirt onto his skin and Alec felt his own tears prick at the corners of his eyes, finally falling down his skin. His heart was alight with happiness. He had admitted to his mother everything and she had taken it all with open arms. To put it simply, it felt amazing.

"Alec, you could never let us down. I am so sorry that we ever made you think you had to live up to something." Maryse pulled away, keeping her hands on Alec's biceps. "No matter what you do you will never ever disappoint us. I don't want you to ever feel afraid again Alec. Please."

Alec nodded. "Okay Mom."

"Now tell me, are you happy with Magnus?"

"Very." Alec said, but he himself caught the infliction at the end of the word.

"Alec, what's wrong?"

Alec pulled away from his mother slowly. Okay, there was a point where Alec drew a line at what he wanted to tell his parents. He wasn't so sure he wanted to talk to his mother about his love life, especially when his love life was so new to her.

"It's nothing Mom."

"Alec, I know I've never been easy to say things to. I know you and your siblings go to each other because you don't think you can talk to me. But you can. I'm here."

"Thanks Mom." Alec paused. "But, right now I'd really rather not talk about it."

Maryse nodded. "I understand. Well then, I'll leave you to your books."

"Thanks Mom."

Maryse started to the door, but then stopped. "I love you Alec."

"I love you too Mom."

And with that, she left. Alec let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. That had gone better than expected. He had been so scared when he'd seen his mother in the library but now all his fears were gone. Isabelle and Jace were okay with him, his father was okay, and now his mother was okay with it. All those things he had only dreamt about doing had become reality. And it was such a beautiful reality.

Well, almost completely beautiful.

There was one lingering stain on his almost perfect day and that was Magnus. He hadn't seen Magnus all day, which was due partially to the fact he was purposely avoiding Magnus and the fact that their house was an easy house to ignore people in. Alec didn't know what he'd say to Magnus if he did see him. He was angry at him for not saying it back but then he felt like he had no right to feel angry because maybe Magnus didn't say it because he didn't feel the same way. In that case, Alec was angry at himself for being a complete idiot and letting his heart slip like that. It felt amazing to say that he loved Magnus but it was the polar opposite feeling when Magnus didn't say it back. Maybe Magnus would say it when they did talk. Alec hoped he would.

Magnus threw on his coat and boats before heading outside. He had seen Alec head outside a few minutes earlier and knew that it was about time he went to talk to him. It was time Alec knew Magnus loved him.

Magnus trudged slowly through the four inches of snow on the ground, following carefully in Alec's smaller footsteps. Magnus wouldn't say he hated winter or snow, he just hated being in it. But Alec was worth it. Magnus followed the footsteps into the forested area around the Lightwood home, coming into a small clearing where, in the centre, stood Alec, snow falling around him. It reminded Magnus of the place they'd been when they'd first kissed, only this time, Magnus was the one following, not Alec.

"This place is beautiful." It was the easiest way to break the silence.

Alec snapped around to face Magnus, his eyes big, bright blue orbs in the white surroundings. Yeah, those eyes beat the wintery forest any day. Magnus caught Alec's eyes waver, and a spark flew in their depths.

"Yeah, it is. What do you want Magnus?"

"I want to talk. About last night."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Alec, you know that's a lie. You said you loved me."

"And you didn't say it back." Alec's eyes bore into Magnus' soul and he did something he rarely did. He looked saw the pain and heartbreak in Alec's eyes and he couldn't bare it. He felt his own heart shatter in his chest. Alec had been the one to build his heart back up and now Magnus was the one to break it again. He knew how much he hurt Alec and he hated himself for it. He swore he'd always be there for Alec and then when Alec needed something from him, he had failed to give it. But he was afraid and he was going to tell Alec that. He wasn't going to hold back. If Alec could spill his heart as he had, Magnus could too.

"I know." Magnus took a few steps towards Alec. He wanted to hold him, to kiss him, to tell he loved him and never let him go. "Look Alec, this isn't easy for me. I'm not used to feeling this way. I don't know how to feel this way."

"What way?"

"Like... Like I love you." He met Alec's eyes and a few seconds passed between them with nothing but the sound of his racing heart and the falling snow around him. 'I love you'. It felt like the whole world fell out beneath his feet. The words burned at his throat but they felt so amazing. They soothed every aching part of Magnus' soul and reminded him of how beautiful it felt to love someone. His heart burst alive within his chest, racing and beating for the love that he had for Alec.

"You love me?"

Magnus nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me that last night?"

"Because I couldn't."

"You couldn't? What the hell does that mean?"

"It means I was afraid." Magnus took a breath. "I've always been afraid of love Alec."

"Why Magnus?"

"Because everyone I love either leaves me, hurts me, or I hurt them."

"Well I don't plan on leaving you or hurting you."

"Well that doesn't rule out me hurting you." He looked down at the ground, not able to meet Alec's gaze anymore.

"You're scared you're going to hurt me?"

Magnus looked up at Alec. "I always hurt the people I love." He couldn't save his mother. He should have been there, but he wasn't. He was the reason she died, because he couldn't stop his father from hurting her. It was that simple. Magnus was scared that something would happen to Alec and he wouldn't be able to save him. Or even worse, it was like his father said, Magnus would be the one doing the hurting.

"But that's love Magnus. What's the saying? We always hurt the ones we love the most? I know why you're scared. It's because of your mom isn't it?"

Magnus nodded. "She was the last person I loved and I haven't been able to do it since Alec." Magnus paused. "My father always told me that to love was to destroy and that it was pointless to ever fall in love. I've carried those words with me my whole life and I guess I believed him. I let him convince me that love was stupid and all it did was hurt you in the end. So I've spent years running from it because I was scared and it's been easy. So when you said that to me last night, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't run anymore and I couldn't deny what I was finally feeling in my heart. I was scared Alec." Magnus averted his gaze, letting the words tumble out. Alec needed to know it all. Magnus didn't want to hide anymore. "I was scared that once I loved you I would lose you."

"Lose me?" Alec closed the few feet between them, standing just in front of Magnus. He placed a gloved hand on Magnus' chin, lifting it so their gazes met. "Wasn't it you who always told me to not run from what I was afraid of?"

"Yeah."

"You're not very good at taking your own advice are you?" Alec smiled softly and Magnus couldn't help but follow suit.

"No, not really. I sort of fail in that department."

"Magnus Bane, admitting he fails at something. Now that's something I never thought I'd hear," Alec teased.

"Shut up." Magnus bit his lip. "Look Alec, I'm sorry. I know I hurt you." He scoffed, looking away. "See, I was right. I was going to hurt you. This is why..."

"Magnus, shut up and look at me."

Magnus looked up at Alec in surprise.

"I won't lie to you Magnus. When you didn't answer me, it hurt. I said I loved you and I just expected something from you. But I got nothing. I kept thinking I'd ruined everything." Alec paused. "But sometimes we make mistakes, we hurt people, but we move on and we try and fix things if we can." Alec grabbed Magnus' hands, taking them in his. He met Magnus' gaze and Magnus felt a shiver run across his skin. His heart was beating a hundred miles an hour and he was fighting the tears that were breaking at his eyes. "Can you do something for me?"

"Anything."

Alec bit his lip. "You're all about me taking steps with you and I've taken many in these past few days. Now it's your turn."

"My turn?"

"Yes. Take a step with me. I love you Magnus and I will take as many steps with you as you ask me to. Now I'm asking you for this one. Can you take it with me?"

Magnus felt a tear slide down his cheek and he watched as Alec caught it on his finger, wiping it away. Magnus blinked, fighting back the tears and the swelling in his chest. The warmth of Alec's hands in his spread through his body, soothing every fear and worry in his soul. Alec's words seeped in, filling Magnus with a complete sense of happiness and peace that he hadn't felt in years. His heart felt like it was finally beating again. It had always beat to pump blood through his body but now it was beating because Magnus wanted it to. It was beating for Alec.

Magnus looked down at Alec. He was so beautiful standing there, the snow circling his head in a halo. His angel. His beautiful, amazing angel.

Magnus nodded. "Okay."

Alec smiled. "Good." Magnus then caught the tear that slid down Alec's skin, leaving his hand on the side of Alec's face.

Magnus bit his lip; a habit he must have picked up from Alec. "Do you think we can try again?"

"Yeah, that sounds like a great idea." Alec smiled softly, meeting Magnus' gaze. "I love you."

Magnus smiled, letting the feel of those three words wash over him and envelop his senses. It felt amazing. Magnus could have died right then and there and have died a happy man. Here, right in front of him was the best thing in the whole entire world. It was a man to call his own, a man who understood him... a man who loved him. "I love you too." God, did that feel good. The light that sparked in Alec's eyes was enough for Magnus even without Alec having said anything. To know he'd made Alec happy, that he'd stopped hurting him, it was amazing. He never wanted this to end.

It was perfect. Just perfect.

Alec's face lit up as he closed the few inches between their bodies. "Say it again."

"I love you."

Alec smiled as he placed his lips to Magnus', the hot warmth of his lips soothing Magnus's freezing skin. The electric shock that pushed through his veins warmed his whole body, including his heart. Nothing felt cold anymore. Everything inside of him was alive.

Magnus slipped his arms around Alec's waist, pulling him closer, as Alec's arms slipped around his neck. They found their home at the base of Magnus' hairline, his fingers entwining in the hanging strands of his hair as Alec pulled Magnus down closer. This had gone so much better than Magnus had expected. A major part of him had been expecting to be packing his bags and heading back to Idris to spend Christmas by himself. He knew that was dramatic thinking but hey, Magnus Bane had never been known to be reserved and calm. He had been so scared he'd lost Alec. And yet Alec was the one who thought he'd lost Magnus. Magnus found it so adorable that it didn't matter who made the mistake, Alec would always think it was his fault and that he'd done something wrong.

Magnus slipped his tongue over the line between Alec's lips before sliding it into his boyfriend's willing mouth. Magnus smiled against Alec's lips as he elicited a soft moan from Alec. It was unbelievable how much that single sound did to Magnus. Here in Alec's arms, Magnus knew this was right. This was what he'd been searching for his whole life. All the darkness and the crossroads, they all gave away to meaning. They were all there so that one day, he'd find Alec. One day he would have light and one day he would know which road to choose. Alec was his light, leading him down the right road. Alec was everything. Everything he'd ever needed. Everything he'd ever wanted. And he was going to do everything he could to ensure that Alec wasn't like the others. He was going to make sure he never lost him.

Alec pulled away slowly, breathing heavy. His face was flushed its typical colour and Magnus fought the urge to capture Alec's lips once again. Magnus couldn't deny that Alec was absolutely adorable standing there, wrapped up like a baby in his winter wear. The only parts showing were the pale red of his cheeks, the soft lines of his mouth, and the burning innocent blue of his eyes.

Alec smiled, looking up at Magnus. "I don't ever want to get used to this."

"Believe me baby, I won't let you." Magnus smirked and he caught the shift in Alec's face.

"You're thinking of something aren't you?"

"No. Why would you think that?"

"You've got that mischievous glint in your eye. Magnus." Alec said his name with a large hint of warning for Magnus to not do anything.

Magnus shrugged innocently. "You think so little of me. Why would I possibly want to dump a big pile of snow on your beautiful head?"

"What?" Alec's eyes widened in surprise and Magnus took this as his cue. He leaned down, scooping up a large handful of snow that he proceeded to drop over top of his boyfriend's head. The look that crossed Alec's face was priceless and Magnus stayed just long enough to take a lasting mental photo before running away.

"Magnus! I'm going to kill you."

Magnus left the forest, running out into the middle of the Lightwood yard. He turned to see a snow covered and red Alec coming after him with a snowball. Magnus prayed Alec had never played baseball as a child.

Magnus ducked a perfectly aimed snowball just in time to avoid being smacked in the face with it. Yep, Alec had played baseball, and now Magnus had gotten himself involved in a snowball fight with him. Well, at least it was entertaining.

Magnus caught the amused glint in Alec's eyes before running further away from him. He scooped up a snowball quickly, turning around with plans to throw it at Alec. But instead he had Alec throw himself at him. Magnus fell to the ground hard, landing-thankfully-in four inches of soft snow. He felt the breath leave his lungs as he looked up at Alec. He had a mischievous smile on his face that Magnus couldn't help but smile at.

"Throwing yourself at me Alec, really? I'm all for being forward and stuff, but this is sort of for the bedroom, don't you think?" It didn't help that they were completely entangled with each other and Alec's body was only laying about an inch from Magnus'.

"Oh, shut up. Does your mind always have to be in the gutter?"

"Not always. There's a couple minutes in the day when my mind's elsewhere."

"And where is that?"

"On you." Magnus grinned.

Alec rolled his eyes, hitting Magnus playfully.

"Ow. That hurt."

"Suck it up buttercup."

Magnus gasped. "Okay, not only did you throw me down in the snow where my ass is getting really cold and wet, but you also proceed to hit me and tell me to suck it up. Plus you called me a buttercup. I hate buttercups."

"You sound like a child."

"More insults. Is this a relationship or abuse?"

"It's a relationship."

"On your end of the stick maybe. My end of the stick's wet, and cold." He emphasized that last part. He really was freezing. He had worn skinny jeans outside. He hadn't planned on having a snow fight with Alec or getting his ass in the snow, so he hadn't thought to wear anything warmer. The only good thing about his current position was that Alec was on top of him. Magnus had always preferred that position himself, but he was pretty sure he could get used to this.

Alec laughed, placing a soft kiss to Magnus' lips that quickly shut him up. And by quickly, he meant quickly. Alec pulled away just as fast as he had kissed him. He caught a mischievous glint in his eyes, one that he knew all too well in his own eyes. This was not going to be good.

Magnus cringed as Alec dropped two handfuls of snow on his face. Okay, now he knew why Alec was so pissed. It was like being bitch slapped by an iceberg. Magnus swept some of the snow away, spitting out that which had landed in his mouth and hadn't yet melted.

"Really?"

"Yep." Alec laughed as he darted off of Magnus and started running away. "Come and get me buttercup."

Magnus growled as he stood up, clumps of snow falling to the ground. "I'm going to kill you." He started running after Alec and soon they were engrossed in an epic snow ball fight that resulted in more than just Magnus' ass being wet.

It was really nice to do this with Alec. Yeah, they joked around and had fun every once in a while but it had been a while since either of them had just let loose and made complete asses of themselves. It felt amazing and it took Magnus' breath away-not in the 'I just got plowed to the ground by my boyfriend' kind of way, but in the 'this couldn't be a better moment' sort of way. Magnus was happy. He felt alive for the first time in years. He had a man who loved him and understood every single part of him. Magnus couldn't ask for anything more.

Well, except maybe a hot chocolate and his leopard print Snuggy.

So there you go. Our boys are in love. Can't you just feel the love in the air? I can. And Alec's mom accepted him. I told you things would work out good in the end. Anyway, the next chapter's Christmas, finally. I'm off to work on that now and it will probably be up next weekend. Also, I felt like fooling around with Photoshop and made a wallpaper for this chapter. It's on my profile if you want to check it out.

Anyway, I love you all and you are amazing. Thank you for reading and sticking with me and the boys for 20 chapters so far and over 100 000 words. I have to say, this is officially longer than my novel which i've been working on for two years on and off. Of course it needs a lot of work and some rewriting, but just thought i'd let you guys know that this also the longest thing i've ever written. I'm pretty happy with myself right now. Plus I'm almost at 300 reviews which is so much more than I could ever have asked for. The reception i've received on this story has been so amazing and I never in my wildest dreams thought it would go this far, so thank you, all of you. You guys are amazing and I couldn't do this without every single one of you. Thank you for everything. Until the next chapter!
Be the change,
Amber