Chapter 25

Unshattered

Hi everyone! So i'm back, and does it ever feel great. It's been killing me not being able to write for a month. Well, I did write exams but those are not my idea of fun writing. But I passed them all with flying colours so the month of hibernating in my room surrounded by textbooks was worth it. But now I'm back and my fingers and brain are itching to type up some more chapters for you lovely people. So thank you all for the lovely reviews on the last chapter and for sticking with me this far. I love all of you. Anyway, I think you've all waiting long enough, so enjoy! Oh, and my lovely beta Ashley issues a tissue warning and chocolate for this chapter. But anyway, I hope you all like it. Thanks for reading.

Songs:

Afraid to Fall-Morgan Karr (I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it and the first thing I thought of was Magnus. It fits him perfectly for this chapter I think and for a lot of other things. This is Magnus' song to himself, his own personal inner monologue.)

Kiss the Air-Danny Calvert (Magnus. Absolutely perfect for him at this point. It's his song to Alec and explaining what it is he can't tell him but his heart wants to say.)

Alec looked up from his homework at Magnus. He was asleep on his bed, but he was restless. Not that that was anything new. The last few weeks had been like this. Magnus wasn't sleeping and when he did, it was in short bursts where he always woke snappy and withdrawn. Alec knew he was having nightmares again. The dreams of Magnus' past had gone away for a while, but had come back with a vengeance after Christmas, and Alec knew they were affecting him. Alec could feel him pulling away, losing himself in the memories. He was growing miserable, his moods switching at the flip of a dime. The other day, they'd fought over the television, turning what could have been a simple argument about what to watch into a fight resulting in neither of them talking to the other for the rest of the day. And that wasn't even the worst of it.

Alec didn't get it. He didn't feel like he'd done anything to make Magnus act this way. Everything between them had been going well, and Alec had never felt better about their relationship. But it was almost like Magnus had become someone else all over the course of one day. Two weeks ago they'd been fine and one day Alec had left to go do a project with Anna and when he got back, there was something about Magnus that just wasn't right. When Alec had asked him if anything was up, he'd snapped at him and told him it was nothing. It obviously wasn't nothing. Alec knew something was going on and he wanted to know what it was. He needed to know. If something was going on with Magnus and his past, Alec wanted to be there with him to help him through it. He didn't want to be pushed away and cut out completely from Magnus' emotions. He knew Magnus didn't like to talk much about his emotions and everything, but he needed to give Alec something. A relationship was a two way street and Alec was beginning to feel like the only one doing anything. Magnus was giving him nothing. Not a single thing.

Alec almost felt like they were pulling apart. This Magnus wasn't Magnus. He wasn't happy and teasing every second of the day. He didn't comment when Alec said something dirty unintentionally, he didn't criticize his wardrobe, he didn't tease him for his little quirks, nothing. There was absolutely nothing. Alec didn't know what was up with Magnus but he was definitely making Alec feel like it was his fault. Every time Alec tried to get in, he was pushed back. It was becoming a constant war to get through to him and it was even harder to fight it when he didn't know what he was fighting. He needed something from Magnus. Something, anything, he didn't care what it was. He just needed to know where his Magnus had gone.

Magnus stirred in his sleep, his eyes opening. Something flickered in his irises as his breath hitched in his chest. This was how it always worked now. He woke with a frightened look in his eyes, his breathing uneven and a layer of sweat coating his golden skin.

"You're dreaming about your past again aren't you?"

Magnus sat up, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. "I'm not. I dreamt I ran out of glitter. Terrible experience."

Alec rolled his eyes, his heart clenching in his chest. And there it was again. Magnus was pulling away. "Don't lie to me."

Magnus looked up at Alec, his eyes flickering. He looked tired, worn down both mentally and physically. "I'm not lying to you Alec."

"And there you go again. Magnus, just tell me the truth. Please."

"What truth?"

"The truth that the dreams are back. Did you think I wouldn't notice? You're not sleeping, you wake up sweaty and unable to breathe. Why didn't you just tell me? I could help you."

Magnus placed his head in his hands, letting out a deep breath. "It's not that simple Alec. You don't understand."

"Then help me understand."

Magnus looked up at Alec and their eyes met. Magnus' gaze faltered, something it never did.

"You can't."

"Then help me Magnus. I can try," Alec pleaded, just wanting to get through to Magnus. Alec knew he couldn't understand what Magnus had gone through but he could be there for him and he could try. Magnus didn't have to go through what he went through alone and Alec wanted to help him. Magnus had let him in before, told him the whole story, so why was he acting like this now? If the dreams were back, Alec didn't care. He would be there for Magnus. His problem was that Magnus wasn't letting him in, wasn't telling him anything.

"No you can't!" His eyes burned as they looked up at Alec. This wasn't Magnus, Alec knew that for sure. "Alec, you can't." Magnus stood up, turning his back to him as he ran his fingers through his hair, catching his fingers on the spikes.

Alec didn't respond, waiting for Magnus to say something. But he didn't. Seconds passed with Magnus' back to him, Alec unable to gage a single thing he was thinking. He didn't like this. They always knew what was going on with each other, even when the other person didn't want them to. But Alec knew nothing here, and that scared the hell out of him.

"Magnus, what's wrong? You can try and hide it but I know. You've been pushing me away, not letting me in. You snap on me about everything, you argue with me about stupid little things, you went to be bed without doing your nightly routine, you're not wearing glitter, you're completely ignoring your cat, and it's like everything I do bothers you. Did I do something? If I did, just let me know, because not knowing is killing me. Please Magnus. You've got to give me something."

Magnus turned around to look at Alec. "It's not you."

"Well, that's a relief." His words were snappy and sarcastic but he almost didn't care. He was tired and he needed to get through to Magnus. Sitting around saying nothing wasn't going to get him anywhere except for deeper in a hole. "So if it's not me, what is it? You were fine a few weeks ago and now you're like this. I don't get it."

"It's me Alec."

"Well that explains a whole lot, thanks for that."

"Why are you being like this?"

"Me? I'm just trying to understand where the hell your head's been the last few weeks." Anger flared inside of Alec. He was done being walked on, ignoring Magnus' mood because he was trying to give him his space to deal with things. He had tried not to be too pushy, while at the same time trying his best to be there for him. Alec understood Magnus had his ghosts that haunted him but there was no reason to take it out on him. Alec hadn't done anything to warrant this behaviour other than try to be there for Magnus. And if being there for your boyfriend in a time of need was a crime, well then Alec should be serving a life sentence.

"It doesn't matter."

"Doesn't matter? You're doing it again; pulling away from me. Magnus, you have to let me in."

"I can't."

"You can't? Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you? I'm trying to help you. But every time I try I get locked out."

"Then stop trying."

"Seriously?"

"Stop trying and I won't lock you out. I won't hurt you."

"Hurt me?" Alec threw his head in his hands. Magnus was being ridiculous. Whatever the hell was going on in his head was changing him. "Is this what this is about Magnus? You're scared you're going to hurt me?"

Magnus didn't answer him and Alec felt his heart fall. That was seriously what it was about. It all fell into place. With the nightmares came the fears.

My father always told me that to love was to destroy and that it was pointless to ever fall in love. I've carried those words with me my whole life and I guess I believed him.

Magnus' words came back to him. His father had tried to teach him how not to fall in love and the memories of his father were back. Alec got it now. Now that Magnus had finally let himself fall in love, he felt that the destroy part was coming. He felt like he was going to destroy Alec by loving him. But Alec didn't believe that.

"Look, Alec it's not that simple."

"Yeah, you keep saying that. Magnus..." Alec closed the space between them, placing a hand to Magnus' shoulder. Magnus flinched beneath him, pulling away, letting Alec's hand fall disregarded to his side. Alec looked down feeling a pain rip through his heart, searing his being. It hurt having Magnus be like this. He wanted to hold Magnus, to have Magnus tell him everything. He wanted to tell him it was okay and hold him through the pain until he wasn't afraid anymore. He wanted to know Magnus' soul, to know what he was thinking right now and why he was running from every word Alec said. Alec didn't want him to run, he wanted him to come back to him. But he was running and Alec was beginning to feel that he was getting too far away to catch.

"I can't do this Alec."

"I'm sorry?" If Magnus' actions had seared his heart, those words threw it in the fire and left it to burn. What did he mean he couldn't do it? Alec didn't think it was this bad. He thought he could get through to him, that this was just a stage. He thought Magnus would let it go and just tell him everything that was going on... not this.

"I need some space Alec. You're right, I haven't been myself lately and I think I need some to figure things out. "

Alec fumbled with words, trying to find something to say, but nothing came out. He needed time. Alec wasn't stupid. He knew what those words translated to. But why? Why was Magnus saying these things? Things had been so good between them, perfect even. Alec had never been happier in his life and he was so sure Magnus felt the same way. So why did he need space? Was it the memories, or was it him?

"I'm sorry. I just can't right now Alec. I think we need to take some time apart."

"Time apart? What are you saying Magnus?" Alec didn't want to believe what Magnus was saying. It was just a dream, a dream he'd wake up from soon enough. You always woke up at the bad part right?

"I'm saying that you deserve better than I can give you right now Alec; then I can probably ever give you. I told you I was broken and nothing could ever change that. I don't want to break you too Alec. I don't want to hurt you. There are so many other people out there who can give you what I can't." Alec saw Magnus' eyes faltering, the picture of his heart within them breaking. They were glossing over, as Magnus fought the tears.

"And what is that?" Alec asked, fighting the tears that were bleeding from his breaking heart.

"The love you deserve. I love you too much to not give you what you deserve, to hurt you in the end." Alec met Magnus' gaze seeing the turmoil wreaking havoc in their depths. Alec had never seen this in Magnus' features. It was a complete look of despair, of fear, and of raw sadness. Magnus' emotions transferred to him, ripping through him with the connection of their eyes. He felt his heart crumbling.

"Magnus, come on, don't say that. You know that's not true."

"It is true. I've been denying it; living in this perfect fairytale that I would never hurt you. But I was right Alec. I'm just going to hurt you in the end. And I don't want to do that. It's better for us both if I just leave now and save us the pain later on."

"Magnus you're not going to hurt me, not the way you think. This isn't the same. You're not the same." Alec knew Magnus was afraid of being like his father, that was why he was so afraid. But it wasn't something Magnus could possibly do that was hurting Alec, it was what he was saying now. After everything they'd been through, this was how Magnus was going to end it? By running. After all the running they'd already dealt with, he was going to go further? Alec thought they were done. Alec had told his parents he was gay and Magnus had let his heart finally fall in love. They had reached the end of the race, so why run the lap again?

"Like father, like son," Magnus whispered under his breath. He looked up at Alec. "You don't deserve to be hurt."

"Stop telling me what I deserve." Alec had intended more anger and inflection behind his words but instead the words choked out of his lips, words just as broken in speech as his heart was in his chest.

"I promised myself I'd never hurt you but I was fooling myself, because it was bound to happen. To love is to destroy."

"Magnus, your father was wrong." This was all about his father. It was all about the memories, Magnus' fears of falling in love. It was all about Magnus' inability to feel love because his fear of hurting them got in the way. But now that Magnus had learned to love again, he didn't know how to handle it.

"There's more truth behind his words than you think Alec. I'm sorry."

"So what are you saying? Are we breaking up?" Alec prayed that wasn't the case, but in his broken heart he knew the truth. Even if the nerves were shattered and withered, they could still feel the truth. They could still feel the pain that was stabbing him in the chest with each passing second. Alec only had to meet Magnus' eyes to know the answer.

"It would probably be for the best."

"No."

"I'm sorry." And with that he turned, leaving the dorm behind.

Alec let the tears fall, letting them roll down his cheeks and onto the floor. He just stared at the door where Magnus had left, praying, simply praying that Magnus would turn back around and say he was stupid and wrong and that he loved him. Alec stayed routed to the spot, his body numb, his heart beating every so often in its broken state.

Come back Magnus. Please come back. Your father was wrong. Can't you see that?

But Magnus wasn't coming back. Alec knew that. Magnus couldn't see the truth because what he thought was the truth were the fears he'd lived with his whole life; the teachings of his father.

Alec fell to his knees, the world giving out beneath him. Why? That's all he wanted to know. Why couldn't Magnus see that his fears were wrong, that Alec didn't care if he hurt him? Why couldn't he see that they loved each other and nothing changed that? Alec could care less about a possibility of Magnus hurting him, it happened. But the thing was, Magnus was so scared he was going to hurt Alec, but didn't realize that what he'd just done was what hurt him the most. He understood in Magnus' mind, that he thought this was for the best, but it wasn't. Magnus had become his everything, his life. Magnus was all he had, the person keeping him sane and happy when his life wanted otherwise.

Magnus was the one who taught him not to be afraid.

Magnus was the first person he loved.

Magnus was the only one he wanted to love.

Magnus was... gone.

He ran.

For the first time in his life he physically ran away, hoping that the distance could solve it all. But it did nothing. Magnus couldn't run from his thoughts or his actions or anything else physically controlled by him. It was like trying to run from your shadow; impossible. Now he could run from Alec, but he couldn't run from himself. He wanted to do the complete opposite of that. He didn't want to run from Alec, but he felt like he had to. He felt like he had to leave Alec or else destroy him. Alec's words repeated in his mind, playing alongside the words of his father's, both fighting for space in Magnus' head. He wanted to listen to Alec's over his father's, but he'd been listening to his father's for years and he couldn't ignore them, no matter how much he wanted to.

Magnus felt the tears fall from his cheeks, hitting the pavement with the beat of his feet. He cried the tears of his frozen heart, and the tears of Alec's broken one. He didn't want to do it. But he felt like it was the right thing to do. He didn't know what to do anymore. His head felt one way one minute and then another, and so did his heart. It wasn't like he could just follow one of them when both were at war with each other and themselves. Magnus felt like he was standing in the middle of an endless crossroads, one road leading to yet another, and each road after that leading to another crossroads. He was lost. He was lost in thought, in emotion, and in life. He wanted to think leaving Alec was the right thing to do but he didn't want to do it. But he was going to hurt him if he didn't. But then, wasn't leaving him like this hurting him? He just didn't know anymore. It was all becoming too much; each thought, each choice, bearing down on his soul until it had no room to breathe or move and all that was left was the bare skeleton of his being.

Magnus had always been afraid of commitment, afraid of falling in love. To love is to destroy. He didn't want to believe his father but then, how he could he really deny those words? He'd seen what had happened between his mother and father. He'd seen what love could do to two people, to a man. Ever since he'd let his heart open to Alec, everything had come rushing back at him in full force. Everything he had repressed and forgetten had come back and was now haunting his every second. He was reminded of why he was so afraid to fall for William or Camille. He was reminded why he had tried so hard not to fall for Alec but had gotten so lost in him that he'd forgotten what he'd wanted in the beginning. Alec had taken all of Magnus' reserves and fears and made him forget. And so, Magnus had gone full force into what he had with Alec, never thinking that it would come to this; never thinking that he would fall in love with him and want to be with him forever. It was easy for Magnus to go from person to person knowing nothing would become of it, but Alec was different. Alec was everything Magnus had dreamed for but never sought to make reality because he knew how the dream ended, the same way all dreams ended. You woke up and faced reality, a reality so much more cold and cruel then the dream. And now, he was so deep in it with Alec that there was no easy way to run away, to resort to his usual defence mechanisms. Magnus didn't want to do it, but he couldn't help it. It was a part of him, his way of protecting his broken pieces from being shattered even more.

I can fix you.

If you only knew baby. If only you knew what I never told you. What I never told myself.

Alec had fixed him and that was part of what had scared him so much. He was so used to being broken that feeling whole just felt wrong. He didn't feel like he deserved that. He didn't feel like he should be complete, that he should be happy. He was so used to being empty that that had become a part of him. But this whole thing, the reappearance of his father, the level of his relationship with Alec, it broke him again. It became too much for him to handle and so each of those pieces, so carefully placed by Alec's hands, were torn apart by Magnus' own.

But maybe this was all for the better. Magnus knew he couldn't give Alec everything he had given him. Magnus knew he would always be this way, that nothing was going to change. He would always be haunted by his past and always live in his fears. It was better that Magnus leave him this way than doing something worse later on down the line. It was better he leave before he got worse and the past and fears left his dreams and lived in his reality. It was better he hurt Alec emotionally rather than physically.

Like father, like son.

Magnus didn't want to believe it, but he didn't want to take that chance.

Magnus stopped running, his breath catching in his throat as he looked down, only now realizing where his wayward feet had led him.

"Hi Mom."

Magnus fell to his knees, letting his body give out beneath him as his lungs fought for breath and his soul searched for something to hold on to. Tears slid down his skin, soaking the ground beneath him and filling the etched lines of his mother's name. He watched them, swirling in and out of each letter, seeping deep into the stone and into the Earth.

He didn't really know why he'd come here. It hadn't been a conscious choice, but something that had just happened, something he felt like he needed to do. He'd always gone to his mother when he was confused, when life didn't make sense and he needed some guiding. Magnus had gone to her when his math homework didn't make sense, when his baking soda and vinegar volcano didn't erupt because he'd accidently used sugar, and when he accidently killed the class guinea pig. He had gone to her when he'd first realized what his father was doing to her and when he'd first hit him. He'd gone to her when he figured out he was bisexual. And he was coming to her now. He was coming to her when he'd purposely left the best thing he'd ever had behind because he thought he was protecting him. He was coming to her now for some sort of guidance through the darkness, through the crossroads of his life.

"I need you Mom." Magnus threw his head in his hands, raking his fingers through his badly taken care of hair, having cared little over the last week to do anything to his appearance. He sighed, the words failing to form at his tongue. He didn't even understand it all himself so it was hard to put in words so she could understand. But it was like when he figured out he was bisexual. He didn't know what it meant but she figured it out, just like she always did.

"I really really need you right now." His voice cracked, as his hands shook. He clasped them together, trying to calm them down. "I don't know what's going on. I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing to do or if I just made a really big mistake. I feel like I've ruined everything."

Baby, settle down. Start from the beginning.

Magnus almost felt like he could hear her voice, travelling on the wind in soft whispers. The words sung in his ears, floating through his brain and to the broken pieces of his soul, cradling them in their easy embrace. He could almost swear she was here with him, listening, watching, giving him everything he needed to move on. "I told Alec I loved him, and for the first time in years I meant those words. I really do love him Mom, more than I ever thought I could. But I hurt him. I hurt him because I love him too much." Magnus paused. "I was so scared of feeling that way for him."

Why Magnus? Why were you afraid?

"I was afraid because I figured as soon as I loved him, I would just hurt him. Dad said, to love is to destroy."

Your father never knew love.

"And maybe he was right. Ever since I told Alec I loved him, all I can think about is everything that he did to us. Memories I've repressed, everything, it's all coming back to me. I see myself hurting him, doing what Dad did to us."

Magnus, you're not like your father. You're different.

"Like father, like son." Magnus looked down at his hands, and for a split second, he swore he saw blood. Alec's blood. His heart fought to beat in his chest, working to supply air to a body that didn't want to function anymore, a body that was broken down and bleeding, far beyond a heart's repair. "I got a call. Dad's sick. The doctor's give him two months, and he wants to see me."

Why?

"I don't know why. But the fact that he even asked." Magnus clenched his hands, his nails digging into his skin. "I'd rather watch the man rot in hell." Magnus' teeth ground together as he fought back the pain that the mention of his father brought to his body. "I just want it all to go away Mom. I just want to forget. For once in my life I just don't want to feel anymore, I just want to be free from it all." He unclenched his fists, his own blood sliding down his pale skin, dripping onto the pure green earth below him, staining it with the darkness of his being.

Then let yourself be free.

"It's taking me over Mom. All of it. Everything. I'm living with it, with everything Dad ever said or did. All I can think about is him, and the past, and you, and hurting Alec." Magnus threw his head in his hands again, closing his eyes, trying so hard to blink it all away. If only the darkness could just be darkness with no shadows lurking, waiting for him. If only closing his eyes could wipe away every memory of his father, of his past, and of the broken look that painted the beautiful blue of Alec's eyes when he had left.

"I didn't want to hurt him. So I left him. I thought that would be the best thing to do. I don't feel like I can give him everything he deserves and I feel like one day my life's just going to repeat itself, and I don't want to do that to him. It was stupid of me to think I could have something like what I had with Alec. I was so stupid to think I deserved something like that."

You deserve the world baby.

"I mean, who was I kidding, thinking I was meant to fall in love and be happy? People like me don't get happy endings, everyone knows that."

I don't.

Magnus paused, letting the tears fall, filling his vision and creating a pool at his feet, reflecting back at him every shard of his soul in tiny, even more fractured pieces.

"But people like Alec-beautiful, amazing, and pure-they deserve happy endings. And Alec will find his, but it will be without me. Leaving him was for the best. I was saving him from me." Magnus stopped, letting each word he'd said sink into his being. Everything that he'd kept locked up and hidden in his heart for 8 years was pouring out. Every word, every emotion, and every single thing that he'd denied himself. He was laying it bare for his mother, letting the words fill the air between them and maybe, somehow, they would reach her ears and she would listen. Magnus didn't really believe in the whole Heaven and people watching over you thing, but he was willing to just to think that his mother was there, watching him, listening, and telling him everything he needed to hear. He could almost imagine what she would say if she was here.

Were you saving him from you, or from your fears? I've watched you run for years Magnus, battling with everything you've experienced. I've seen you come to me sad, angry, frustrated, intoxicated, worried, but never happy. The day you came with Alec I saw a smile paint that face unlike anything I could ever capture. I saw you happy for the first time in your life. I saw a boy who gave you everything you deserved. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy. Now I can't tell you if you've made the right choice, only you can figure that out for yourself. All I can tell you is that you don't need to be afraid. The past is the past. It makes us who we are, but it doesn't define us. Stop running away from what you're afraid of Magnus and start running to it. Run to Alec. You're not going to hurt him; I know that because I know you. You're just afraid. I understand that, and so will Alec. I always taught you that love was beautiful. You say you're remembering everything, but I see you've forgotten something. Please remember Magnus. Please remember what I told you about love. Do it for Alec, but please baby, please do it for yourself. Please remember that love heals even the deepest of wounds. Remember that love is so much more than your father, me, you, Alec, and even the world. Love is so much more than everything. Love is unstoppable.

Magnus shivered, wrapping his arms around himself as he tried to hold himself together. He could hear her, her words echoing off the particles of the air, vibrating through his body to bury all other words and thoughts deep in the shadows where they had come. Magnus closed his eyes, and if he concentrated just enough, he swore he could see her, smiling at him just as beautiful and amazing as he remembered her. And in that darkness with his mother, he could feel her touch against his cold skin, her hand wiping the tears from his face.

I love you baby, forever and ever, from the moon and back.

"I love you Mom, forever and ever, from the moon and back." Magnus sniffed, wiping his own tears away, but still he could feel her, her touch lingering on his frozen skin. "I always thought that sounded so corny and childish, but it doesn't even begin to touch the truth. The end of the universe sounds more like it." Magnus traced his hand over his mother's name, his fingers tracing each line as memories came back to him of all the good times he had had with her. Happiness overtook him. He had been so trapped in the darkness of his life that he had forgotten about her, about the light that had guided him throughout his life; the light that was always there at the crossroads, but he was too blind to see.

Magnus stood up slowly. "I'm sorry I didn't bring any flowers. I promise I'll come with a dozen white roses next time. But right now I've got to go figure some things out, fix some very broken things." He placed his fingers to his lips, kissing them before leaning down to place them on his mother's gravestone. His hand lingered, letting the memory of his mother become him.

He pulled away slowly, giving one last glance at his mother's grave before turning away.

To love is to destroy.

No Dad, you're wrong.

Love is unstoppable.

I'm sorry I forgot Mom. I'm so sorry I forgot.

Magnus left the cemetery. Once again he had no clue where his feet were going to lead him but he left a different person than when he had gone in. Saying it all out loud and just letting the memory of his mother speak to him, had allowed Magnus to see things clearly. Everything was still there, still living in his shadow, but he had remembered the part of his life that he had forgotten, the part he had tried so hard to never forget.

His mother had been right. Love was beautiful. Love was unstoppable. Love was everything and anything you wanted it to be.

Love, was Alec.

But would Alec ever forgive him?

Would Magnus be able to forgive himself?

Alright, so there you go. How was it? I hope you all liked it. I'm off to work on the next chapter now and plan on writing every minute I can that I'm not working so hopefully updates will be closer together, but no promises for sure. Anyway, let me know what you thought in a review? But again, thank you for reading. Until next chapter my lovely readers.

Be the change,
Amber