Chapter 27

Unpretending

Hi! So i'm back. Thank you all for all the wonderful reviews on the last chapter. You make me all so happy. Sorry this chapter took a little bit longer than I had hoped to update. But hopefully you all like it. Please enjoy!

Songs:

Love Heals-Rent

His hand flew over the page, the charcoal carving deep lines into the paper canvas. They spoke the words of his soul, spinning a web of lies to cover up the truth he was trying not to face. Each line met with another, mixing into the mirror image of Magnus' heart. He worked frantically, hardly paying any attention to what it was he was creating. He didn't even care really. He just needed to draw, to pour onto canvas the words he was to afraid to say, the thoughts he was too afraid to face.

All he wanted to do was close his eyes and see nothing, to think and hear nothing inside of him. He wanted his heart to beat without breaking with each pump, his blood to not burn as it passed through his aching body. He just wanted darkness, darkness that wasn't full of waiting demons, but simply held nothing. He just wanted to forget, to run, to hide. He just wanted it to stop hurting, to stop feeling like he was dying slowly each day. His life was a broken record on repeat, replaying with each passing second the unfinished melody of his past.

Magnus had never felt like this in his life. He'd felt physical pain, he'd felt the feeling of being nothing, of being alone, and he'd felt the feeling of losing the one person in your life that you loved. But the pain he was feeling now was nothing like the pain he'd experienced before. This was self-inflicted pain, pain that he was forcing himself through to protect Alec. This was the pain of remembering, of hating himself, and of losing the best thing he'd ever had. He hadn't wanted to do it but he couldn't stop himself. He knew he had to. It was the right thing to do, to leave Alec. At least, at the time it had seemed the right thing. But now, after going to see his mother and opening his eyes to everything he'd forgotten, he'd realized the truth. He'd realized how selfish and caught up he was in his own feelings and thoughts that he hadn't even stopped to consider Alec. He realized that he'd forgotten his mother's key lesson, that love was unstoppable, and no matter what Magnus was feeling, no matter what he feared, his love with Alec was strong enough to beat that. But Magnus hadn't been able to see that. He hadn't been able to see past the darkness shrouding his heart to the light inside of it that was Alec. He'd been so blinded by his past with his father that he'd forgotten his happiest memories of his past, the memories of his mother. He'd gotten caught up in his father's lessons of love and forgotten the one he had cherished the most. And now, Alec was gone. All because Magnus had lost himself in his fears and let those rule his heart instead of his heart itself.

So now he was sitting here, contemplating what to do next. He wanted to listen to his mother, to run after Alec and apologize and beg him to take him back, but he just didn't think it was that easy. As amazing as it had felt to visit his mother and finally speak the truth that he'd kept buried inside, he still had those fears. He still had his problems that were the reason he'd left Alec in the first place. He wasn't going to ask for forgiveness when what had made him leave was still living with him. He had told Alec he needed time, and he did. Now maybe time could heal his scars enough that he could ask for Alec to forgive him. Maybe time could bring him to push past the fears and love again. And maybe time could heal his heart that was so shattered the pieces weren't even distinguishable from the cells of his body.

Magnus jumped as his phone vibrated in his pocket. A part of him prayed it was Alec, but the other part hoped to God that it wasn't him so that Magnus wouldn't have to fight temptation and his heart. Magnus didn't have the courage to look at it. He knew what Alec wanted but he couldn't give him that. If he stayed away, he could find the time to work things out with himself. He just knew that one look in those eyes would shatter his heart into oblivion. There was no denying that he would run back to Alec and fall on his knees, begging for forgiveness, begging for him to take him back.

Magnus pulled out his phone, Alec's name flashing across the screen. He fought the urge to read it. He knew if he read it, his resolve would crumble and he'd give in to everything he was feeling and forget any logic.

But he gave in. He couldn't help it. Alec's name flashing back at him was too much. Magnus wanted nothing more than to hold Alec again, to kiss him and love him. He wanted nothing more than to call him his again. So seeing his name, knowing Alec had sent him something, made him cave into that want. A text message was better than nothing.

Meet me at your tree.

Magnus looked at the text confused, his mind racing. He wanted to meet him. Well Magnus was already there but he didn't know if he could handle seeing him again, not yet. He needed some time, and then everything would be okay. Just another day to work things out in his brain, that was all he needed. But, love didn't wait, that was something else his mother had told him. Love didn't hold it's breath and wait until you were ready to let it breathe. No, it breathed of its own accord, whether you wanted it to or not, whether or not your heart was willing to accept the oxygen. And so here was love, running right at him, giving him only two choices: run, or stay where he was. Magnus was an expert at running, so that option was a no brainer, but every single part of his body was screaming at him to stay. Every part but that small scared part of him that was his constant companion. If he ran, he could get away from facing the truth for a little bit longer, but if he stayed, he could face Alec, and face all the truth, all the words, everything that he hadn't yet said aloud to Alec. If he stayed, he could tell Alec why and explain everything. And he could ask for forgiveness, if Alec was willing to give it.

A few minutes passed as Magnus tried to figure out what to do. He was rooted to the spot, lost as Alec's text message swam in his vision. Why did Alec want to see him? Magnus was so sure after everything Alec wouldn't want to talk to him again, not after the hurt Magnus knew he'd caused him. He was so sure it was all over, despite how much he still loved Alec. He had been stupid, he knew that now. But he hadn't known it when he'd run from Alec. He'd been blinded by fear and memories and he hadn't seen Alec. He hadn't seen a single thing beyond his own past, playing over and over in front of his eyes. He hadn't seen Alec and how much he loved him because he'd let darkness cloud his being, blocking out his heart from his brain, and his brain from the truth.

Magnus jumped when his phone vibrated again in his hand. It was Alec.

Don't run.

Alec watched as Magnus picked his phone up, reading the text. Then Magnus looked up, their eyes meeting. Alec's heart skipped a few beats, breaking in his chest for the hundredth time in the last couple days. The sadness that swirled in Magnus' eyes tore Alec apart. He could see Magnus' fear, burning like a thousand fires in the depths of his eyes, and underneath the fear, he could see Magnus' guilt and anger. It was so easy for Alec to see everything in Magnus' eyes, to see the pain and the turmoil and the truth behind all the lies Magnus spun for them both.

"Magnus..." Alec's voice cracked in his throat, burning as Magnus' name passed his lips.

Magnus stood up quickly, his facing shifting emotions, his eyes alight with the thoughts Alec knew were flying through his brain. "I'm sorry Alec. I shouldn't have... I have to go." His words were so silent as he shoved his sketchbook in his bag and his phone in his pocket, his motions shaky and clumsy.

"Magnus, please, don't run. Not now. Not this time."

Magnus froze, his back to Alec.

"Please, you said what you needed to say, now give me a chance. If you still feel the same way I'll go and I'll never bother you again. But please, just let me speak." His voice was shaking, his words coming out in unmeasured beats. He prayed Magnus would turn around. Alec didn't know if he wanted to meet the pain in Magnus' eyes again, but he needed to see them, he needed to see Magnus' face. He didn't think he could bear watching him walk away again.

Magnus' shoulders tensed as he turned around to meet Alec's gaze. Alec could see how much it hurt him to do it, and Alec fought against the need to take Magnus in his arms and hold him until all the pain went away. Magnus didn't say anything, simply stood there, looking completely and utterly defeated.

Alec didn't know where to start. It was so much easier to say it all in his head then to actually put voice to it.

"I remember the first time we met, right here. We talked about love. You said that we do what we do for love." Alec paused. "The last thing you said to me was that you loved me too much to not give me what I deserved and to end up hurting me in the end. I understand that those are the things you feel you are doing for love, but now it's my turn to tell you what I'll do." Alec took a deep breath, trying to steady his body. "I'll take it Magnus. I'll take the pain, whatever it is you're afraid of doing to me. Do you know why? Because I love you too much to just let you walk away like this. I know you're making yourself believe these words you told me, but I don't believe them. I don't believe that I deserve more..."

"You do." Magnus cut in, his head hanging; his eyes averted to the ground as his words fell softly from his lips.

An angry fire lit in Alec. He just wanted Magnus to see that that wasn't true, that nothing Magnus said to him had any truth behind it. "No. No Magnus. You don't get to tell me what it is I deserve, you hear me?" Magnus looked up at him. "Only I get to decide that. And I don't want anything more than what I have from you. I love you Magnus. I love you as I have never loved anyone and I don't care about the future or what you could do. I just care about now. I care about you and about us. I know you're afraid Magnus. I get it."

"No Alec, you don't. You don't understand how I feel."

"Then help me understand."

"You can't." A tear slipped past Magnus' eyes, falling to the ground as his voice wavered in his throat. "You can't understand Alec. You can't." His voice got softer, falling to a whisper.

"Okay. I can't," Alec agreed softly. "I don't know what you went through and I can't know what you're going through now. But I made a promise to you to never hurt you. I promised I would help fix what you thought was broken. You told me that you would hold me to that. But I can't keep my promise if you won't let me." Alec felt a tear slip down his cheek as he tried to push back the other ones. He didn't want to cry. He'd cried too much already. "I know that there is so much you haven't been telling me, and do you know how hard it is to be there for you, when I don't know what it is I'm supposed to be there for? All I want is to hold you and love you and tell you that everything is going to be okay, but I can't if you won't let me. I can't when you're pulling away from me."

"Alec... I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll hurt you." The pain in Magnus' voice tore through Alec. He didn't want Magnus to think like that. Alec knew that it wasn't true, that Magnus wouldn't do anything to him that his father had done. Alec knew that Magnus wasn't his father.

"Did you ever think that I don't care if I get hurt? That I'm willing to take that chance because the thought of having you and getting hurt is so much better than the thought of not having you at all? Did you ever think about how I felt?"

"Of course I did. Alec, you're all I think about. I spend every second of my day thinking about you and all I can think about is how much I love you and how much you've changed my life."

"Okay fine, you think about how much you love me, but that's not what I mean. This, what you're doing, you're being selfish."

"Selfish? How am I being selfish?" His eyes seemed to flare in that split second as Alec knew his words cut through him.

"Because you never even gave me a chance. It wasn't even a discussion. You just told me how it was and left. Well things don't work that way Magnus. You can't just pick up and leave without barely an explanation and think everything's going to be okay. It was just how you felt, what you thought was right, and not once did you give me a chance to tell you otherwise. Look Magnus, I get it. I get that you're haunted by your past, I know it wasn't easy. But this isn't the same. You're not your father. I know you're scared you'll be like him, that you'll hurt me, but I know you. I know you could never do that. And you know what? You're scared that by staying with me that you will hurt me, but you know what hurts the most? Watching you leave. Not having you in my life is what hurts me the most. So please Magnus, please come back to me." His eyes searched Magnus for an answer, his whole being begging with all it had that Magnus would just come back. He didn't know what he'd do without Magnus in his life. Magnus had honestly become his whole life and Alec didn't know what he'd do if he was forced to start over. He didn't even know if he'd know how.

Alec knew that Magnus knew deep down inside that this whole thing was unreasonable. Alec knew that somewhere inside of him, Magnus knew he wasn't his father. Alec just needed to get Magnus to see it too. He needed Magnus to open his eyes and see that where his fears were understandable, his actions were not.

"Alec... I... I never expected to feel this way for you. I never thought that you would be the one to change me, to make me feel again. I never expected to fall in love with you. I thought that this would just be like all my other relationships, but it wasn't. And I wasn't ready for that Alec. I think sometimes that I should have never come to your door that night."

"Magnus, don't say that."

"Really though Alec, who was I fooling? I'm not meant to fall in love and be happy. It's just not in my cards. I have too much baggage, too many demons." Magnus sighed, averting his gaze as a tear slipped down his cheek. "You never should have fallen in love with me."

Alec closed the distance between them in a quick second. He placed a hand on Magnus' face, brushing the tear away with the pad of his thumb. Magnus looked back up, meeting Alec's gaze. "Listen here Magnus. You are the man that I'm in love with. I don't regret a single moment I have spent with you. You've changed my life, and you've changed me for the better. I don't care about baggage or demons or whatever else you think you have that I shouldn't love. I love you Magnus, every single part of you, and don't you ever tell me that I shouldn't have fallen in love with you. Falling in love with you is the best damn thing I've ever done and I will never regret it or stop feeling this way." Alec stopped, meeting Magnus' eyes. They swirled with tears, the normally bright green-yellow of his eyes dull, almost tired looking. Alec knew Magnus was drained, the memories of his life finally taking their toll on his soul. Alec knew Magnus was broken, he knew that he didn't know what to do and that Magnus' emotions were ruling over his head. He knew that once Magnus opened his eyes to see that truth, that he'd understand and he'd come back.

"Alec..." Magnus bit his lip, his eyes darting away to look around. "There are people watching."

Alec hadn't noticed it before, having eyes only for Magnus. But he saw it now, the people who were sharing sideways glances at them, the whispers of those close enough to hear them. And it was funny. Alec had expected the first moment in public to be the scariest experience of his life, for his whole body to be gripped with fear. But right here, right now, he hadn't even had a single thought about the people around them. His only fear was watching Magnus walk away again. It was this moment that he realized the truth behind his fears, something he had been to blind to see before. It wasn't the thoughts of the people you didn't know that should matter, it was just the thoughts of those you loved that mattered. It was the thoughts of Magnus that mattered to him. And he realized that his love for Magnus was stronger than his fear of being accepted. Alec's need to kiss Magnus and hold him and tell him he loved him was so much stronger than his fear of people judging him because he'd come to realize that as long as he had Magnus, he could fall and someone would be there to catch him.

"Let them watch. Right now all I care about is you. I just want you back Magnus. This feeling of not having you is tearing me apart. You're the one thing in my life that has ever made me truly happy. I'm alive with you Magnus, and I don't want to lose you. So please, please see that you are not your father, that you are the most beautiful person that I have ever met." Alec paused, biting back the burning tears that seared his skin. He searched Magnus' eyes, holding them, praying that Magnus didn't look away. "Take a step with me Magnus. Throw your fears away and let yourself be free. Stop worrying about what could be and live with me, right here, right now. And if we take this step, and we fall, at least we fall together."

Magnus didn't look away, instead their eyes were level, seconds passing between them. Alec watched the emotions swirling in the depth of Magnus' eyes, the eyes that Alec had fallen so quickly in love with from the start. They were rimmed with tears, the tears that they both shared, that were shed from their broken hearts.

"Alec... I don't know what to say."

"Please, just tell me you love me," Alec begged holding onto that glimmer of hope like a lifeline.

Magnus blinked, another tear falling, catching on Alec's burning skin. "I love you. God, I love you so much." More tears fell as he placed a hand on Alec's, entwining their fingers together. "I am so sorry. I am such an idiot. Alec, I'm so scared, but I don't want to be. I don't want to be afraid of loving you. But I am. I'm so scared because I've lost everything I've ever loved. I'm scared that if I lose you, I'll never be able to survive it. I thought leaving you would be easier, that I would be saving you from me, but really I was just hurting you." Magnus paused. "I'm so confused Alec. I'm lost in the memories of everything and I can't figure it out anymore. I feel like I'm falling and I don't know why and I don't know when it's going to stop. I just... I just don't know anything anymore Alec. I don't know how to handle loving you and I don't know how to handle this feeling in my heart. I'm scared of the future, of everything. Of myself. I'm so scared... Alec, I'm so sorry." Magnus' head fell, his eyes closing in shame as he dropped Alec's hand.

"Magnus, look at me."

Magnus looked up, his face swimming with the shame he was feeling for what he had done, for how he felt.

"Let yourself fall. I'm here to catch you. I'm here to help you figure it out. You just have to let me in. You have to stop trying to handle everything on your own and trust me. You have to give me the chance to understand before you run away from me. So please, please just let me in. Tell me why you're afraid, why the memories are back. Tell me everything. You don't have to go it alone Magnus, not anymore. So just come back to me."

Magnus didn't say anything, instead raising his hand to brush Alec's own tears from his face. His hand lingered there, his skin soft and welcomed against Alec's own. "You'll really take me back after what I did?"

"It'll take a lot for me to let you go Magnus."

Magnus sighed, his head falling, their foreheads meeting softly. "I'm so sorry Alec. I was wrong, I was so so wrong. I just didn't know what else to do."

"I know Magnus. But you don't have to be afraid anymore. You don't have to run."

"I'm so tired of running."

"I know."

"I love you Alec."

"I love you too Magnus." Alec leaned forward, capturing Magnus' lips with his own. Magnus gasped against his lips as did others around him, but they meant nothing to Alec. All that mattered to him was Magnus. Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus' waist, pulling him closer as the broken pieces of his body came crashing back together again. He let his heart sing as Magnus relaxed against his hands. Alec gave into the kiss, letting the world fall away so that all that remained was Magnus and the connection that sparked between their hearts. Those sparks became the stitches that pulled his heart back together again.

Alec had forgotten just how perfect this felt, his body moulded to Magnus', his being in complete tune with every heart beat and movement Magnus made. Magnus' hands entwined in Alec's hair, pulling him down closer, trying to fill the need they both had for each other. It was all so beautiful. It was better than a dream. Alec finally had Magnus back in his arms and he wasn't going to let him go.

"Thank you," Magnus said against his lips, pulling away softly.

Alec smiled. "You're welcome."

"You know, there are people watching."

"Yeah."

"You don't care?"

"You're all I care about."

They both smiled, capturing each other's lips again, spilling into that simple connection all that they felt for each other. It spoke everything they'd left unspoken and all that they had said. To Alec, this kiss was the world, the air, water - everything that he needed to survive. Magnus was all he needed to keep going, to keep feeling alive and happy. He didn't care about the people who had witnessed their exchange and what they thought of him. None of that mattered. All that mattered was that he loved Magnus and that for once in both their lives, they weren't afraid, they weren't running, they weren't doing anything but standing still, holding each other. There was nothing more to it then that. Nothing more simple.

There was nothing else to it but love.

So there you go. I hope it was okay and everyone liked it. I'll try and get the next chaper up as soon as possible. Thank you all for reading. I love every single one of you and you're all amazing. Until next time my lovely readers.

Be the change,
Amber