Chapter 34

Unsilent

Songs:

Porcelein-Marianas Trench

"It's going to be okay baby."

...

Sirens.

...

"Just hold on. They're coming."

...

"Is he going to be alright?"

...

"Please. Is he going to be alright?"

...

"Magnus. Hey, Magnus."

Magnus looked up as Isabelle sat down beside him. She had a muffin and coffee in her hands and she held them both out to him.

"I'm fine, thank you."

"Magnus you need to eat."

"I said I'm fine," he snapped, looking back down at the floor.

Isabelle just sighed, placing the food on the table in front of them. She sat back in the chair, placing a hand on Magnus' shoulder as comfort. Magnus went to pull away but instead remained still, too tired to move, too tired to speak, too tired to keep breathing.

He was numb.

So numb.

He could barely feel Isabelle's hand against his skin, could barely even sense her next to him. All he could think about was Alec.

Alec.

His love.

He should have been there. He should never have left him alone, not with... not with Sebastian around. He promised he would never let anything happen to Alec.

He promised.

And he had broken his promise. He had let Alec get hurt. He had put himself, and his art, and talking to his professor, before Alec's safety. He should have known. He knew people like Sebastian. They thrived off torturing others and he was just waiting to get Alec alone.

He was just waiting to hurt him when no one was there to protect him.

Magnus rubbed his hands together frantically, his eyes never leaving them.

Blood.

So much blood.

Alec's blood.

He couldn't get rid of it. It was all he could see, all he could feel. It was becoming a part of him, fusing with his skin and his soul, and taking it over. The pain flooded through his own veins, breaking apart his body. Every wall, every happy moment, everything he cherished, broke apart and crumbled beneath him. There had only been one other time in his life that he had felt this broken, this completely helpless, and that was when his mother had died. And so, their blood mixed. His mother's mixed with Alec's as Magnus rubbed frantically, trying to get rid of it all.

He rubbed as he fought back the tears that came with the pain. His make-up was already smeared from the hundreds of tears he'd shed earlier, and he hadn't the strength to clean up. But where his eyes didn't shed tears, his heart did. It cried as the events of that night played over and over in his head. It cried for Alec, for his pain, for the fact Magnus wasn't there to protect him.

He should have been there.

He started rubbing faster.

He should have been there.

Faster.

He should have...

"Magnus!" Isabelle placed a hand on Magnus', stopping him. "Stop it!"

Magnus did, and at the same time, his body lost all strength. He just sat there, still, as he tried to find a footing in the world that was falling apart.

"He's going to be okay."

Magnus didn't react, still sitting there, his eyes focused on his bleeding hands.

"Magnus, he's going to be okay. He'll be fine."

"I should have been there." Magnus looked up at Isabelle, meeting her eyes. They were red and puffy from crying, and the normally vibrant dark colour was now dull and filled with sadness. But still she carried herself as if her tears were from stubbing her toe. But he could see the pain in her eyes, could see deep down into her soul where she was fighting to control that pain. Magnus envied her strength, her ability to appear strong and together when everyone was falling apart. It was something she shared with her brother. They were both so strong, even when they didn't need to be.

"Magnus, you couldn't have done anything. You didn't know."

"No! I should have been there. I should have protected him." Magnus pulled away from Isabelle's hand, standing up abruptly. He kept his back to Isabelle as his body shook and he tried to gain control of the crumbling pieces of his heart.

Isabelle stood up, but stopped when Jace and Max came into the room.

"Hospital food is disgusting. There wasn't a single thing worth eating down there." Jace sat down on a chair across the room as Max crossed over to sit in the chair next to the one Magnus was sitting in. He opened up a comic book and started reading.

"So, are Mom and Dad still going over the paperwork?"

"Yeah." Isabelle sat back down. "And we still haven't heard anything about Alec."

Magnus' heart cried out at the sound of Alec's name. It was killing him not knowing how Alec was doing. Every time they asked a doctor or nurse, they knew nothing. All they knew was that Alec was still in surgery. Isabelle could tell him Alec would be okay as much as she wanted, but she hadn't seen him. Magnus had, and he would never forget the way he looked. He was broken, bruised, and bloody, hardly recognizable underneath it all. He was breathing so lightly, Magnus could barely even tell. Magnus had thought he lost Alec, that this was going to be the second time someone he loved died because he couldn't protect them. Isabelle could tell him Alec would be okay all she wanted, but she just didn't know. She didn't know what Magnus was going through, what he'd gone through. She didn't understand the pain. She had never lost someone before, so she could sit there in pain because her brother was, but not hurt as much because she knew he'd pull through. Magnus didn't have that luxury. Magnus had spent his life abused and hated for what he was, and the one thing he vowed to never let happen to Alec, was that. He was going to make sure Alec never felt that pain. But he had failed. He had failed Alec.

"Well, I'm sure he'll be okay," Jace said as Maryse and Robert walked into the waiting room. Maryse's eyes went straight to Magnus and he could feel them piercing through him. She was blaming him for her son's condition, he knew it. And he didn't blame her. She had every right to blame him. It was his fault after all. If he had been there, nothing would have happened to Alec. Sebastian would have gone on his way and he and Alec would have been at home right now making love in each other's arms. They would have been falling asleep with dreams of each other instead of dreams of darkness and blood.

"Is Alec okay?" Isabelle asked hopefully.

Maryse didn't answer, instead walking to the corner, taking a seat on the couch.

"The doctor said he's fine. He just got out of surgery and they're getting him to a room now. They said to give him a little bit until he wakes up and then we can go see him."

Isabelle smiled and Magnus could see her body loosen up as she let out a deep breath of air. Robert went to join his wife, taking her hand in his. They both remained silent, the events of the night falling heavily on them all.

Magnus felt his heart lift a bit, but just as it did, it fell back down again. Alec was okay. But where all the people around him were relieved and happy that Alec was okay, Magnus knew the real truth. Physically Alec was okay, but mentally, and emotionally, he would never be the same. Magnus knew what things like this did to you, what it made you feel and how it destroyed you on the inside. He knew how Alec would feel when he woke up, and he knew that things weren't going to be the same. You didn't come out of something like this okay. No one did. Magnus knew Alec was strong, but no one was strong enough to fight the pain of something like this.

Magnus looked around him at Alec's family. He felt like a stranger, like he shouldn't be there. He could see Maryse passing glances at him, sending daggers into his soul. He knew she blamed him as much as he blamed himself. He also knew that neither of them would ever stop blaming him for what had happened. Ever.

"It's like Alec."

Magnus looked down at Max who had spoken up for the first time that night. His words were quiet, only loud enough for Magnus to really hear them.

"What do you mean Max?"

"Robin. He's like Alec." Max pointed at his comic book. "Robin had gone into an attack early and so Batman wasn't there yet. But he was caught in a surprise attack and they hurt him. By the time Batman got there, the attackers were gone and Robin was dying. But Batman found him just in time and took him home and saved him. Robin's fine now. He's okay." Max smiled, looking up at Magnus. "And you're like Batman."

"No. You've got me wrong. I'm nothing like Batman."

"But you saved Alec. Like Batman saved Robin."

"Max, the doctors saved Alec."

"No. You did." He smiled bigger before turning his head back to his comic book.

Magnus wanted to believe him, he did, but it wasn't that easy.

Magnus walked back to the waiting room, his third coffee in his hands since Isabelle had given him the first one. He was using it as a distraction, as something to do with his hands other then look at them. He needed a distraction from Alec, but unfortunately coffee was a very bad, pathetic distraction that was doing nothing for him but increase his focus on Alec instead of decreasing it. He just couldn't stop playing those minutes in his head. He couldn't stop remembering that moment when he saw Alec laying there, helpless, bleeding, and barely breathing. He'd never been so afraid as in that moment. He feared the worst. He feared that it was all over.

Magnus kept walking, barely paying attention to his surroundings, and not even noticing as he passed the hallway his father had been down not too long ago. His mind was on Alec, and nothing else. But he did stop when he saw Maryse coming his way. He needed to talk to her. Ever since the Lightwoods had shown up, he'd barely said a word to Robert and nothing to Maryse.

Magnus walked up to Maryse, stopping in front of her. He could see from her face and body language that she wasn't too pleased.

"Mrs. Lightwood, could we please talk?

"I'm a little busy right now Magnus. Later."

"Please. I won't be long."

A few seconds passed as Maryse seemed to consider it. "Fine."

"Okay, I'm sorry. I know you look at me and you blame me for what happened to Alec. And you have every right to. I should have been there to protect him. I shouldn't have let him go out alone with Sebastian being around. I want you to know that I will forever hate myself for leaving him alone, and you can blame me and hate me as much as you want, but it will never be as much as I hate myself. I promised Alec I would protect him, and I tried, I did, but when he needed me the most, I failed." Magnus took a deep breath, trying to hold on to his strength. "I know you've never liked me. You don't need to say it, but I know. And I wish it didn't have to be that way, but it is. I know now that there's no chance you'll ever like me, especially since you blame me for what happened to Alec. But I want you to know that I love your son. I owe my life to him and he means everything to me. I never meant for him to get hurt, but when you're like us, sometimes... sometimes it happens. But we try our best, and we fight, and we push against all the hate in this world and try to survive. But sometimes, it's just too much and you can't run or fight, and things like this happen. It's not fair, it's not right, and Alec didn't deserve any of it. I would take it all away from him in a heartbeat if I could. I've spent every minute since it happened wishing that it had been me; that Sebastian had chosen me to hate, not Alec. I know what it feels like. I can handle it. I've spent my whole life being hated for who I am, and I bare those scars every day. Alec has tried to carry them with me, but I won't let him. They're mine and I promised myself that Alec would never have his own. But he does now, and I promise that I will help him carry them. I promise that, whether you believe me or not. I know what he's going to go through when he wakes up. I've gone through it my whole life, and I'm going to help him through it, just as he has helped me. I will never leave his side again, and I will die trying if that means making sure no one ever hurts him again. I love him Mrs. Lightwood, and I will never stop loving him." Magnus stopped, forcing back the tears that threatened to escape.

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

"Good." Maryse said nothing else, looking away from Magnus as she walked away, leaving Magnus alone in the hallway. He wiped quickly at the single tear that escaped his eye. He didn't want to cry. Not now. But he had said what he needed to say, what she needed to hear. That was how it was and she could take it or leave it. Really, as much as he was trying to convince her of those words, he was trying even harder to convince himself of them too. Could he really promise something that he had promised before, and yet broken? He wanted to believe he could, that when Alec woke up they could go back to their world and Magnus would protect him from people like Sebastian. But could he? Could he look Alec in the eye and promise him again?

Magnus broke away from his thoughts as his phone vibrated in his pocket. He took it out, seeing a message from Isabelle. They said they could see Alec now. Magnus' heart flew. He was awake. He was okay.

For now.

But still, he was awake and he was alive, and Magnus knew he was lucky enough to have that. Sebastian could have gone further, he could have taken Alec past any possible repair. But he hadn't, and so Magnus still had Alec and soon he'd be able to hold him like he'd been wanting to do for so many hours.

Magnus started back to the other end of the hospital where Alec's room was. He hadn't even realized that he was practically running until he nearly knocked a nurse over turning the corner. But he needed to get to Alec now. He needed to see him, to hold him, to hear his voice. Magnus turned another corner, stopping outside of Alec's room. Jace, Isabelle, and Max all stood outside the closed door, their faces somewhat happier than an hour before. It wasn't easy on any of them knowing their brother had been attacked.

Magnus walked up to Isabelle.

"He's only allowed two people in at a time. Mom and Dad are in there now. You can go in next."

"Thanks."

Magnus smiled softly at her as he walked over to the window into the room. He prepared himself to look through it, to see Alec , but he wasn't ready for what he did see. Alec looked broken. His face was bruised, one eye swollen shut. Magnus also knew he had two broken ribs and two fractures, a sprained wrist, and a mild head injury. His skin was pale, almost translucent, and the smile on his face seemed like it was causing him pain. He had tubes running from his arms, connecting him to machines that made sure he was still breathing. Magnus caught hold of the beeping of the monitor, letting it reassure him that Alec's heart was still beating, that he was still alive.

Magnus continued to look Alec over when Alec turned his face and their eyes met through the glass. His heart shattered as he saw the pain in those deep beautiful baby blues. It was the same pain Magnus saw when he looked in the mirror every morning. It was the pain that he never wanted to see in Alec's eyes. Those eyes, once so blue, so vibrant, were now dull, void of their innocence and life. They weren't Alec anymore, and that tore Magnus apart. As he met those broken eyes that he had first fallen in love with, Magnus was nearly brought to his knees in pain. He placed a hand out against the edge of the window to try and keep himself standing. Alec didn't look away and Magnus was too weak, too broken, to look away too. He'd never seen Alec in such pain. He'd dreamt it, seen Alec take his mother's place multiple nights, and watched as Alec died and Magnus couldn't save him. He watched as the one person who kept his heart beating, passed beneath his bloody hands. And now he was living that nightmare. Hours earlier, when he'd found Alec on the ground, he'd never felt so scared, so desperate, for it to actually be a dream. He really did think he'd lost Alec. And multiple times since then he'd thought it was his fault, that by loving him and being part of his life, he had put him in danger. He'd only loved one other, and she had died, so it would only seem right that Magnus would lose the only other person he'd ever loved.

But looking at Alec, right here, he saw that Alec wasn't dead. Alec was alive and breathing. He was still there and Magnus would be able to hold him and tell him he loved him again. He wanted to hold him and take all the pain, all the scars away from Alec and bear them himself. Alec didn't deserve this. He had never done anything wrong in his life, had never hurt anyone. It should have been Magnus, not Alec. It should have been him in that hospital bed, playing through the pain, pretending he was okay. It should have been him living a nightmare.

It should have been him.

Magnus turned away from the glass, not able to look at Alec any longer. He had to leave. He couldn't be here any longer.

He pushed past the Lightwood siblings, heading for the closest exit. He couldn't breathe, his lungs constricting in pain. With each passing step he fought to remain upright, the whole world spinning as strength drained from him. He felt sick as all the events of the night hit him full force. He just wanted to scream and let the tears fall. He wanted to feel them as they scorched their familiar trail down his skin, burning the pain into him.

Magnus threw the door to the roof open, gasping for air as he stumbled outside. He fought to gain his bearings, to find his way in the world. One minute he had been fine and now nothing made sense. It was all too much for him to handle. Magnus acted like he had it all together to the world, but both he and Alec knew that underneath it all, he was falling apart and fighting to keep all the pieces together. And now, all his fighting failed as all the pieces came crumbling down. All his fears were coming true and memories were hitting him full force.

He made his way to the edge of the roof, looking down at the city beneath him. The city seemed to swim, the lights blending in with each other. He closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind, but that didn't work. Beneath his lids he saw his mother on the floor, bleeding, dying. And then her face changed, and he saw Alec, lying there as she had. All the emotions from his mother's death came crashing back, mixing with everything he felt for Alec. It was a cocktail of pain, everything tearing him apart inch by inch.

This was why he swore he'd never fall in love again. He had lost the last person he loved and had hated himself every day since for not doing something to try and protect her. He didn't want to go through that again, and he figured if he never loved again, he never would. But then he met Alec and everything he'd planned, everything he promised himself, fell away. He fell in love for the first time since his mother, and he fell hard. Alec was perfect. He completed Magnus and for the second time in his life, he felt like he had found someone who loved him, scars and all. Alec never judged him, never asked for more than he could give, and was always there, even if Magnus didn't deserve it. Alec was the best damn thing he had ever had in his life and the only reason he got up in the morning. Alec was everything he had and everything he would ever want.

And he had almost lost him.

If he had been any later and Sebastian had hung around, who knows what Sebastian would have done. Now, no one had told him it was Sebastian as Alec hadn't been awake till now to explain what happened, but Magnus knew. He just knew it was him. He also knew he was going to kill Sebastian the minute he had the chance. He wasn't going to get away with this. He deserved to suffer and Magnus was going to make sure of that.

Magnus opened his eyes to the ground below him. He watched as cars flew past, casting their lights on the black ground beneath them. Magnus' eyes moved to the ground, his vision focusing and blurring as he tried to sort through the pain and the pieces. His hand gripped at the edge of the roof, the jagged brick digging into his skin. But he didn't think about it, the pain nothing compared to what was bleeding within him. He looked from the brick beneath his hand, to the road below him. He could do it. He could do it and it would all be over. Alec could move on. He could find someone who could protect him, someone who wasn't so emotionally shattered that he couldn't see above the pieces. He could find someone who deserved him, someone who would give him the world without him asking. He deserved to be held by unscarred arms, to have dreams and not nightmares, and to be loved by a heart that knew how. He deserved someone who wasn't Magnus.

And if he just did it, Alec could have that. He could go back to Idris and find a nice shy English major who read Shakespeare more than the back of his eyelids. He could go back and be happy, like he deserved. He wouldn't have Magnus and his baggage pulling him down, and he wouldn't be hurt anymore. He'd have someone who was able to protect him like Magnus wanted to, and love him like Magnus did. Magnus never thought he'd ever fall in love again, but from that moment when he'd laid eyes on Alec saying goodbye to his parents, he'd started falling hard. In Alec he saw a new life, everything he'd ever dreamed about. And he had found that in Alec. He had found himself again, and for once in his life, he was enjoying life. Of course, it all felt like a dream and too good to be true, but he hadn't woken up yet, so he was cherishing every moment while he had it. But this moment, this wasn't supposed to be part of the dream. This wasn't supposed to happen. Alec wasn't supposed to be hurt. Magnus wasn't supposed to hurt him. He was supposed to protect him. But who was he kidding? He felt like he was twelve years old again, standing alone in his kitchen with his mother's blood on his hands. He felt helpless and useless again. He felt all the hatred of himself for not being able to protect the ones he loved. He hated himself again, just like he had for years before meeting Alec. He hated himself for being a pathetic excuse for a man, a son, and a lover. Why was Alec such a fool to love him? What was there really worth loving? A broken empty walking corpse? He had told Alec he was broken from the beginning, that there was no chance of saving him again, but Alec had insisted he could fix him. Only Alec would believe something like that. He was so pure, so innocent, so perfect. He believed in everything the rest of the world denied. He believed in Magnus. And he was so, so wrong.

Magnus kept his gaze on the road below him, standing there on the roof as his mind pushed him forward, but his body stayed in place. He could do it. It would just take a few steps. And Alec, well they both knew he was really better without him. Magnus willed his body to move.

"Hey."

Magnus flinched as Isabelle placed a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. He looked back to meet her gaze. "Mom and Dad are done. Jace and Max went in. But he was asking for you."

"He doesn't want to see me." Magnus looked back over the city, wishing she was gone.

"Magnus, of course he does."

"Don't lie to me Isabelle. I'm not in the mood for that." Magnus shrugged off Isabelle's hand, turning his back to her.

"Alright, I came up here to be nice, but clearly you just want to be a dick, so I can play that game too. You're not the only one hurting here Magnus. When you called me, I thought I'd lost my brother. And Max, he cried the whole ride here. He didn't really understand everything, but he knew something was wrong. And Jace, he pretends to not care, but he loves Alec just as much as we do. So you need to stop snapping at me for trying to make you feel better. You need to stop thinking that no one else here is in pain. We all love Alec, and it kills us all to see him in pain. You're not the only one Magnus."

"Yeah, I know," Magnus said sharply.

"Then what the fuck is your problem? Alec wakes and suddenly you bolt."

"I had to get away."

He's better without me.

"Get away? He's awake Magnus. We've spent the last eight hours waiting to see if he's okay, and now that we know he'll be alright, you run? Magnus, I know that the only person he really wants to see is you."

"No, he doesn't."

He's better without me.

"Why do you keep saying that? He asked for you. You didn't see his face when I told him you weren't there. I've never seen so much pain in my brother's eyes before. He wanted you Magnus. He needs you."

"He also needed me to protect him!" Magnus snapped, turning around to face Isabelle. He was fighting the tears with every second, with every word Isabelle spoke. Alec needed him. But he couldn't go. He just couldn't bring himself to face Alec.

He's better without me.

"Is that what this is all about?"

"I should have been there Isabelle. I promised to protect him, and when he needed me the most, I wasn't there. I failed him Isabelle. I failed him when I was supposed to save him. So how am I supposed to go back in there and face him, knowing it's my fault he's there?"

"Magnus, you are such an idiot. This wasn't your fault. This wasn't anyone's fault but Sebastian's. But really, do you think you're the only one who blames themselves for this? I keep thinking that if I had only stayed a few days longer, I would have been at that art show and gone out with him while you stayed inside. I would have protected him. I keep thinking that if I had killed Sebastian like I wanted to in the first place, Alec wouldn't be in that room right now. But you know what Magnus, I couldn't be there. I couldn't, Jace couldn't, Max couldn't, my parents couldn't, youcouldn't be there. No one could have predicted any of this to happen. So if we stand here blaming ourselves, we are doing nothing to help Alec right now when he needs us. You can't change the past Magnus. What happened, happened, and we can all just be grateful that Alec is in there, alive, and well. If it had been worse, he wouldn't be here right now. But he is, and he's in there waiting for you. He just got attacked for who he is and now he's awake, knowing he's okay, and the only thing he wants is you." Isabelle's eyes flared with anger and pain as she fought back tears.

"No. He thinks he wants me. But he's better without me." Those words cut through Magnus as he spoke them out loud. But he was right. Alec was better without him. Alec wouldn't be hurt so long as Magnus was gone, and he could go on living the life he deserved with someone who deserved him. Magnus was too broken, too scared, for someone as perfect as Alec. Magnus was like a demon, born of and living in darkness, while Alec was an angel; a beautiful, pure angel that had come down to hell and raised Magnus from its depths. He had placed Magnus on firm ground and helped him open his eyes to the morning sun. He had touched his heart and rebuilt it piece by piece, and then he had grabbed onto his soul, held it tight, and pushed the darkness out of it. His angel had saved him, and when his angel had fallen, Magnus had failed to repair his wings.

"Better without you? Magnus, are you insane? He doesn't care that Mom and Dad are here, or Jace and Max, or me. He cares that you're here. He needs you Magnus. And what are you doing? Standing on a roof blaming yourself for something you couldn't control. Do you hear me? You couldn't control it. You promised to protect him, and you have as much as you could. But you know you can't always be there. As much as you want to, you can't. And if you keep standing there blaming yourself you're going to cause you and Alec more pain then you already have. So go in there Magnus and go see my brother. Hug him, hold him, kiss him, tell him you love him and it's all going to be okay. Give him what he so desperately wants right now. He needs you Magnus. Not me. Not Jace. Not any of us. He needs you. So go to him. Please." Tears were streaming down her face as the final words choked past her lips. Her eyes were pleading at Magnus, and Magnus saw the pain in them.

Magnus too let the tears fall, finally letting them out, the pain rolling down his skin. He felt Isabelle's arms around him, and he let himself fall into her touch, wrapping his arms around her. He pulled her close as she buried her head in his shoulder, tears soaking his shirt. Silent seconds passed between them as they both finally let themselves go. They gave in, finally allowing themselves to feel what they'd been denying. Isabelle's touch eased Magnus' racing heart and he knew that she was right, and as always, he was wrong. He had to go see Alec. Alec wanted him and Magnus knew he couldn't deny him that. He couldn't run from Alec when he needed him. As much as Magnus wanted to pull away, he couldn't. He wasn't fooling anyone in trying, and most of all, he wasn't fooling his heart. His heart was beating in pain, yearning to see Alec's face again, to hear his voice. Magnus needed to hold him again, to assure himself that Alec was okay.

He needed Alec.

So, Alec is okay. Well, physically he's okay, but otherwise he's not. But as long as he has Magnus, things are okay, right? Anyway, this is slowly coming to an end. There's only about five more chapters left. But, thanks so much for reading, reviewing, and for just being amazing. I love you all. See you all next time.

Be the change,
Amber