Chapter 36

Unfair

I'm back! I'm so sorry it took so long but I literally haven't been able to touch my computer in three weeks I've been so crazy busy with exams. But i'm done now, thankfully. But I won't keep you waiting any longer. Enjoy and thanks for reading.

Songs:

Won't Go Down Like That-Freddy Hall

The days slipped by slowly as Alec remained in the hospital. Each day he seemed to show improvement, but even though he was healing physically, he still bled inside. Magnus found it hard to look at him at times, as each time he met those perfect blue eyes, his heart ripped open the stitches he had so carefully put in place. He tried to heal, tried to put himself back together since Alec needed him, but he just couldn't do it. He pretended to be strong on the outside but on the inside, he was fighting to stand up. His old wounds still hurt, but they were numb from the passing years, and they didn't even hold a torch to the wounds he had now. He couldn't distinguish between the ones that were caused by what had happened to Alec and the ones that he had self-inflicted in his hatred of himself for not protecting Alec. They all just bled together, tearing him up inside.

The day finally came when the doctors released Alec. He was still bruised and healing but he looked a lot better than when he had first awoken. But he didn't smile, his eyes didn't light up, and he just kind of sat there, looking off in the distance. He didn't seem to know what to do with the world he was in, lost in a world somewhere in his mind. That moment Magnus and Alec had shared that first night, it didn't happen again. Alec pulled away every time someone was in the room, even Magnus. Sometimes Magnus swore he almost saw fear in Alec's eyes when he entered the room. He would barely even look at him most days, and when he did, his gaze was just empty, almost dead. The person Magnus saw now was not the Alec he knew, but the Alec Sebastian had created.

The police had come the day after Alec awoke to ask him some questions regarding the attack. Alec didn't want to talk much, barely even acknowledging the officers. When they asked who had done it, Alec just froze. His eyes glazed over and he was lost. Magnus answered the questions the best he could from what he knew, which was little. But he told them the name they needed and he made them promise that he would get the punishment he deserved. Magnus actually knew that they got lucky with the officers that showed up. Magnus had heard stories of bashings where the officers could care less about the boy or girl who had been attacked. To them, the victim deserved it and Magnus had feared that was what they'd think about Alec. But they seemed to care; that, or they were just really good actors. Magnus prayed for the former. So now he'd just have to wait. They had to take Sebastian in and they'd need to get Alec to verify it to be him. Then there would be a trial. Magnus knew that Alec was scared, which was why he didn't say anything. But Magnus wasn't going to let the sonofabitch get away with it. Sebastian would get what he deserved, and with any luck, his fellow prisoners would give it to him.

The taxi stopped outside their apartment. Alec just looked out the window, not moving. He barely even blinked as he watched the people outside walking by. Magnus paid the cabby, telling him to give them a few minutes. Then he turned to Alec who was frozen beside him. Magnus's voice caught in his throat. He had to be careful what he said, he knew that. The wrong words could set Alec off and Magnus would lose him. He knew the hardest thing right now would be getting Alec out of the car and into the apartment. It had been hard enough to get him out of his room and into the car. He freaked the minute he saw all the people in the hallway and had run back into his room. It had taken all the reassuring Magnus and Alec's family had to convince Alec he would be okay. They eventually got him to leave and managed to get him out of the hospital and into the cab. It was at that point that his family said goodbye. They had wanted to stay but Alec told them to leave, that they had stayed long enough. His mother was the worst about leaving; having not trusted Magnus to protect her son, but eventually she gave into her son's wishes, making him promise he'd call her every day.

And so here they were, just a few steps from their apartment and the safety of four walls that Magnus knew Alec wanted. But, Alec wouldn't move.

Magnus wanted to touch Alec's arm, to place a reassuring hand on his skin, but he knew the minute he did that, Alec would pull away. He didn't like people touching him, and Magnus understood that better than anyone. Alec's family had had a hard time understanding that and kept slipping, but Magnus knew, and so he hadn't touched Alec in almost a week.

"Alec, it's okay."

Alec looked back at him, his eyes looking almost dead. All the life seemed to be sucked from Alec's being and it was painful to see. No matter what had happened, Alec was always so happy, so alive. And to see that life, that smile, taken away, it was heartbreaking. Alec didn't blink, didn't even speak, but simply met Magnus's gaze. He had a look that was like he was seeing Magnus for the first time and he was contemplating if Magnus was friend or enemy.

"Why don't we go inside now? I can make you some food, whatever you like. I'm sure you're tired of all that hospital food." Magnus tried to add a joking tone to his words, but they all seemed to fall flat. He couldn't joke when that look was on Alec's face.

"I'm tired," he said simply, his face falling.

"Then you can go to sleep. I'll make sure it's quiet so nothing will bother you."

Alec just looked back out the window, not saying anything. Magnus knew that was about all he was going to get out of him. Magnus got out of the cab, collecting his and Alec's bag from the trunk. He came around Alec's side slowly so as not to startle him. He went to open the door but was stopped when Alec's hand grabbed the inside handle, pulling it closed. Magnus got it, he felt safe in the car. It wasn't four walls, but it was containment. It had locks and doors and those kept him safe inside. The minute he walked outside he didn't have that. He didn't have anything to protect himself with and that scared him.

Magnus took his hand away from the handle and just stood there. Alec needed to do this on his own. He knew he had to get to the apartment and he couldn't stay in the cab forever. Magnus had paid the cabby extra so he'd wait a little bit longer as needed. But he wouldn't wait forever.

Magnus looked at Alec and their gazes met through the window. It reminded Magnus of that first day in the hospital when he had seen Alec. Alec looked just as broken then as he did now. Last time Magnus had ran, but he wasn't going to run now. Not away. He was going to run to Alec, where he was always supposed to be. A few minutes passed and Alec's eyes kept darting from Magnus to the people on the sidewalk, and then it all clicked for Magnus. Alec wasn't getting out of the cab so long as he'd have to cross someone's path. He needed an uninterrupted pathway to the front of the apartment or he wasn't going anywhere.

Magnus turned to the first person he saw.

"Excuse me, sorry. Do you think you could go around, please?" He looked at the girl desperately, then at Alec. She looked at Alec and Magnus knew that she didn't understand what had happened, but knew he was asking this for a reason. She nodded, going around the cab. With each person that came their way, Magnus asked them to go around. Some asked questions, but all did as he asked. Minutes passed and Magnus kept up what he was doing. He hadn't even noticed when the door of the cab opened and Alec stepped out. He stood there in the car doorway, just looking at Magnus. He didn't need to say anything for Magnus to know that he was saying 'thank-you'. Magnus could see it in his eyes and it was amazing to see something else there besides pain, even if it was just a couple of words. Alec closed the door behind him and after a few seconds the cab drove off. Alec took a step slowly, but didn't move any further than that. No one was coming down the sidewalk so Magnus placed his attention on Alec. His heart cried out to Alec, wanting him to run to him and throw himself into Magnus' arms. He wanted to be Alec's walls, his safety. He wanted to be everything Alec needed, but Alec didn't want that now. He didn't see Magnus as that because he was too afraid to be touched. He was too afraid to feel like that again. Magnus understood that feeling and it killed him to see someone else feeling the same way. But what killed him the most was that he was supposed to be the one Alec ran to when he was hurting, but with each step he took towards Magnus, Magnus felt like he was running away.

Alec made it across the sidewalk and slowly passed Magnus to take the steps up to the apartment building. They didn't say anything as Magnus unlocked the door, opening it so Alec could get inside. And then Alec moved faster than Magnus had seen him move all week. He crossed the lobby to the stairway, taking the steps painfully but quickly. Magnus kept pace with him, staying just close enough behind to let Alec know he was still there, but not too close to scare him. Alec stopped outside their door as Magnus unlocked it. Alec walked inside slower than he had been moving before. He seemed even more tired now as he made his way slowly to their bedroom. Magnus dropped their bags on the floor as an afterthought as he watched Alec walk away. His whole being screamed at him to go after Alec, but he knew he shouldn't. Alec needed to be alone for a while, where doctors weren't checking his vitals and pumping meds into his system, and his mother wasn't fluttering about around him like a deranged bird. As much as Magnus wanted to think Alec needed him right now, Magnus knew better. After something like this, no one was going to make you feel better. You wanted somebody in your heart, but the minute anyone came near, your body screamed at you to push them away. Magnus didn't think he could handle that right now. He had been pushed so far away he couldn't see the shore, and any further and he might just drown. He crossed the room to the kitchen, taking a seat on one of the bar stools. He took Alec's meds out of his pocket, setting them on the island in front of him. They were pain killers, but Magnus knew they did nothing. He'd had his fair share of medication and all they did was numb it, not take it away.

Magnus flinched as Chairman Meow wound his way around his feet. Magnus kicked the cat away and he looked up at Magnus, rejected, before disappearing into the other room. Magnus knew he should feel bad for hurting his cat, but right now he didn't feel anything. He was numb.

Numb and broken.

He was running. There was no ground beneath his feet, no sky above his head, nothing. But he was running. He was running faster than he ever had in his life, but he wasn't going anywhere. He was frozen, stuck in one place as his feet pounded away at nothing. He kept looking back. There was a coldness creeping up on him, slowly getting closer inch by inch. He tried to get away, tried to force his way through the darkness around him. But it was like the more he tried, the closer it got.

It crept under his skin, freezing the blood in his veins. He slowed down as the cold overtook his muscles and his bones. It was crippling him, forcing him down. He curled in on himself as pain erupted through him. It was a thousand tiny icy needles, slicing through every inch of his being. They cut at everything, leaving nothing but shreds in place of what had been.

He wanted to stand, to run again. If he ran he could leave the pain behind, right? If he didn't turn around and face it, it wouldn't hurt anymore. He tried to stand, but there was a force, separate from the pain, holding him down. It bore down on his whole being, keeping him in place. Laughter seemed to cut through the darkness and he tried to look around, to see where the laughter came from, but he couldn't move. He was frozen.

He fought against it, trying to get away, but he couldn't. He grew tired quickly and he gave up. He let the pain overtake him and once again he heard that laughter. He tried to speak, to call out to whoever it was, but his lips were sealed shut.

And then the darkness above him started to clear. It started to form a figure, first legs, then a torso, and then a head.

"Hi Alec. I told you you'd see me again. What do you say we start where we left off, huh?"

He screamed.

"No!"

Magnus bolted upright, his heart almost shooting from his chest. He looked over at Alec. He thrashed around in the bed. He had kicked off the comforter and the sheets were now tied up around his legs. Moans of pains passed his lips as his arms and hands appeared to be trying to fight off an invisible attacker.

Magnus grabbed Alec's arms in attempt to calm him.

"Alec, wake up. It's okay baby. Just wake up. He's not real." Magnus brushed Alec's hair back from his face as Alec seemed to calm down a bit. He stopped screaming out in pain and his body seemed to relax as Magnus continued to tell him it was okay. Magnus' own heart calmed down as Alec settled. Alec's screaming had woken Magnus from his own nightmare. He hadn't had a nightmare in months, not since Alec had come into his life, but now, they were as vivid as they once were. He was watching Alec being beaten and he was held back, unable to stop it, unable to protect him. And Alec just kept screaming for him to help him. But he couldn't. He could just watch.

"There you go baby. See, it's okay. I'm here," Magnus whispered softly.

Alec's eyes fluttered open slowly. His eyes met Magnus's and the first thing he did was flinch away. Now Alec had done that before, but this, this was the worst. Alec was supposed to feel safe in Magnus' arms and here he was trying to get away. Magnus's heart wanted to scream out, but he kept it inside. He hid the pain as he always did, trying to stay strong for Alec.

"Baby..." Magnus tried to touch him again. Alec pulled back more, leaving Magnus's hand to drop, rejected. "Alec, I'm not going to hurt you. I promise."

"Don't touch me."

If you can imagine what it feels like to be pushed off a cliff into a pile of rocks, ran over by a train, and then shot multiple times, then you can only understand about half of the pain that tore through Magnus. All his breath left him and the world seemed to swim as he tried to gain some bearing on his surroundings.

Don't touch me.

He felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest by Alec's very own hands and then torn into small little pieces while he was still left breathing.

Everything you touch you destroy.

He'd spent so many years telling himself his father was wrong, that everything he ever said was just to tear Magnus down. But now... now he wasn't quite so sure. All the pain of those years tore through him tenfold, and he fought against the tears that threatened to escape. No. He wouldn't be weak. He wouldn't prove his father right on another count.

"Alec..."

Alec just turned his back to him, without saying a word.

And then they fell. They bit at his skin, burning their way into him. He fought them, but he had no strength. He had nothing.

He was nothing.

His father was right.

How could he have been so stupid?

Everything you touch you destroy.

Alec wouldn't even let him touch him.

They had sworn to each other that they would always protect each other, that they'd always be there. They would be each other's safety when the world was a bomb. But now Alec ran away. He ran from him when all Magnus wanted to do was save him.

His father was right. Why would anyone really want him? They'd use him for as long as they wanted, but when they didn't need him anymore, they'd turn their back on him.

Magnus brushed the tears away frantically, trying to stop. But his heart was bleeding, shedding those tears as he had never before. He stood up quickly, fumbling a bit before he caught his footing. He walked towards the door almost blindly, and he slowly made his way down the hallway. He put on his boots and coat, grabbing his keys before slipping out of the apartment.

He walked, the cold night air biting at his skin. He didn't look back; he couldn't afford to look back. If he did, the pain would be too much and he'd fall on his knees where he was and never get up. So he kept on going, letting his feet lead his heart to where he needed to go.

There was only one place, one person, who would always be constant in his life. He had touched her and watched her be destroyed and she was the only one he trusted right now with his heart. He knew he needed to get away, to leave Alec to himself for a little bit. And Magnus needed that too. He needed time alone to decipher everything he was feeling.

He knew he must have been walking at least an hour when he stopped, but it hadn't felt like that. The time had just slipped by, unrecognized by him. When he stopped he fell to his knees, finally crying out in agony. His cry filled the air, echoing across the graveyard, but he didn't care. He needed to let it out, to finally stop holding in what had been eating at him for over a week now. He needed to feel again.

The tears spilled down his cheeks, building a pool on the smooth marble beneath his hands. He clenched his fists around the fallen leaves that covered her name, breaking their thin bodies beneath his fingers. He screamed out again, pounding his fists against the stone, letting the leaves scatter around him.

"Why? Why'd you leave me?" He had asked these questions thousands of times before, but never with the raw agony that he did now. He needed her to answer.

He needed her.

She'd know what to say, what to do. She'd know how to fix everything. She was always so good at that. She'd wrap her arms around him, brush his hair back and whisper in his ear that it was all going to be okay. She'd smile at him, and she'd mean it.

"I need you Mom. I need you so bad." He'd never felt more lost then he did now. He had nowhere to turn, no one's arms to run into. He had no one to hear his cries for help, no one to tell him what to do. Usually he'd get through it, answer his own questions, but right now, he had no answers. He had absolutely nothing but a strangled cry for help and a million tears that were too much for one lifetime.

He'd never been angrier at his mother for being gone then he was now. He knew it wasn't her fault, but damnit, it wasn't fair.

Life wasn't fair.

Yeah, well, he'd learned that one the hard way.

Don't touch me.

The words kept ringing through Magnus's ears and as much as he tried to drown them out, they just got louder. And no matter how many times he tried to blink the look on Alec's face away, he couldn't. It just got brighter and brighter, burning itself into his soul. God, he wanted to believe it wasn't really Alec who had done those things, but it was so hard. It had been Alec's voice, his eyes that had told him that. It had been him, even if it was a broken version.

"You'd know what to do Mom. You always did."

Usually, when he came here, it was almost like he could hear her voice answering him back, but tonight she was silent. She didn't answer Magnus's cry for help and he hated her for it.

"Answer me! Please! I don't know what to do."

Still, no answer.

Please.

You know what to do.

Magnus looked up as her voice echoed in his head. "Mom?" The word choked out through his tears. He sat there anticipating an answer but all he got was an echo.

You know what to do.

"Mom..." He didn't finish what he was going to say as he understood. He understood everything she was silently saying. He knew all the answers he needed, but he was just making himself too blind to see them.

Go back to him. That was what she was saying.

Give him time. He'll be better soon.

Your father was wrong.

All those words echoed in his mind, not as his mother's voice, but as his own. The world seemed to come back to him. He didn't feel quite so numb and angry anymore but sort of calm, if that was possible given the circumstances. He had known back in the bedroom what he needed to know, but he had been too broken to see it then. So he'd ran, just as he always did, trying to get away from the pain. He'd run to his mother, finding-as he always did when he came here-the answers he had already known. Magnus had done the same thing Alec was doing now. He had pushed people so far away he couldn't see them anymore and he had hurt a fair amount of them. But Alec was different. As much as he had tried, he hadn't been able to push Alec away. Instead, he'd let him touch him in a way no one ever had. And so, Alec would push at him, but he wouldn't go anywhere. He'd stay, and Alec could yell at him and turn away as much as he wanted, but Magnus would always be there when he turned back.

He looked down at the gravestone, running his fingers over the raised words. He smiled softly to himself for the first time in a long time. Magnus missed her, but she was still here. She was with him. He raised two fingers to his lips, kissing them and placing them back on the stone.

"I love you forever and ever, to the moon and back." He smiled as the line they had once shared passed his lips.

Yeah, his mother may be dead, but he would never let her memory die too.

He leaned against the doorframe, a small smile playing across his lips. Alec lay in the bed, silent and still. The blankets still lay in a messy heap around him but he seemed peaceful, and Magnus couldn't ask for anything more than that. He knew this was going to be hard, but he also knew that they were strong enough to make it through, together. If it took weeks, or even months, Magnus would still be here standing as close to Alec as Alec would let him.

Magnus crossed the room, picking up the comforter from the floor where Alec had kicked it. He shook it out before placing it over top of Alec. Alec snuggled into the blanket and Magnus knew that-for now at least-Alec wasn't having a nightmare. Magnus smiled, placing a soft kiss to Alec's forehead. Alec didn't move away or wake or anything. He just continued sleeping, and in that moment, Magnus knew they were going to be okay.

So there you go. I hope you guys liked it. Once again I'm sorry it took so long but it shouldn't happen again. I should have a lot more time to write next semester, hopefully. I'd like to thank everyone for the lovely reviews last chapter and for reading and sticking with me through all of this. There's only a couple chapters left, but I've got some other stuff I'm working on. But thank you for everything, I love you all.

Be the change,
Amber