A/N: This a hard chapter. Some very strong language that does not reflect the views or beliefs of me or my writing partner Sio. Forgive us.
Chapter 27
Santana stared at the plain brick building through the windshield of Quinn's car trepedatiously. She didn't know if he'd be different when he came out of therapy or not, but she'd still agreed to be the one to drive him. She was scared of his change and that building seemed like a good focus for her fear.
She didn't want him to change, but she wanted him to be happy. It was a horrible feeling being pulled in two different directions, but slowly the side that just wanted him to be happy was winning out. She was just starting to be scared that the way he wanted to be to be happy would end up making him realize he'd be a lot happier without her and she wasn't entirely sure she could handle losing him.
So she sat outside in the car instead of coming in. Because she couldn't deal with anyone looking at her pityingly or however else cause she was sitting in a shrink's waiting room. She licked her lips and looked up from her magazine for what felt like the hundredth time and tried to quell the nauseating feeling in the pit of her stomach every time her eyes roved over the glass doors and didn't see him.
After nearly an hour and a half Quinn was released from his first appointment with the shrink. He smiled at the receptionist before scheduling a second appointment. He got out of the building and leaned back on the brick. He got it. He held in his hand the ticket, as it were, to get him to the next phase of his transition. He headed over to the little red car that held his girlfriend and slid in.
"Hey, baby." He smiled softly. "Thank you for waiting."
Santana smiled and put her magazine away, shrugging, "What else would I do? Did everything go well?"
"I guess, yeah." He said, "I got the prescription... We can pick up the shot anytime." He was nervous about the testosterone, mostly about how it would affect his and Santana's relationship.
"Oh, um," she bit her lip, buckling up and starting the car, "I guess we should go pick it up then." The entire thing was making her feel anxious, but she was doing her best to not let it show.
"Are you... are you okay with this?" Quinn asked softly. "I don't have to do it..."
"It'll make you happier," she whispered, pulling out of the lot. "I want you to be happy, Quinn."
"I want you to be happy too..." he whispered. "I'm not gonna change because of this... my body might... but not who I am."
"I hope so," she breathed, taking a deep breath and glancing at Quinn with a little smile. "I don't really know how I feel about all this, Q, but you being happy is more important."
He reached over and took her hand, "Santana... I know I lied to you about who I was for a long time... but for the first time in forever I'm happy and the fact I can try to change my body more to match my mind makes me happy." He kissed her palm. "But you make me more happy and I don't wanna hurt you."
"Don't worry about me, okay?" She squeezed his hand, smiling wanly, "I'll be fine. Just do what you need to do to feel better and I'll figure it out. I just," she shrugged, sighing, "I don't want to be left behind," she whispered softly.
"You're my girl." Quinn smiled. "I'm never going to leave you behind... because I need you here with me always."
"Of course you do," she smirked, "cause I am damn fine and there's no way you could replace me." Hiding insecurity behind false bravado had always been Santana's go to defense. Quinn was the first person who'd even remotely acted like she came first with them and she wasn't proud enough to deny that she wasn't sure what she'd do if she lost him too.
"I wish you'd be honest with me," he said softly. "You shouldn't need to pretend you're not hurt or hurting... I wish you'd be honest sometimes and not put on the HBIC face."
"What's not honest about my being a fine ass bitch?" she smirked, finding it easier to hide than admit she was scared he'd leave her some day.
"S... you're not a bitch." He said simply, "I don't fall in love with bitches." He said before kissing her hand. "I'm never going to leave you... you're gonna have to kick me aside."
"You say that now," she laughed without any humor. "Just wait. No guy stays with me. Not even if I put out, so," she shrugged, "I'll just... I'll take what I can get for as long as I can." She smiled, lips tight as she tried to control her emotions.
"You realize how dumb that sounds right?" Quinn asked her, "I'm still here, loving you more and more... even though we haven't had sex in weeks. I'm gonna love you for as long as you let me."
"Yeah," she shrugged, turning into the lot for the pharmacy, "and now you're changing. Everyone says it won't change who you are but I don't know that. No one knows that. You're changing your biology, Q. Why shouldn't I be scared?"
"I'm scared too..." He admitted, "But, it's... I understand it's scary." He wrung his hands and looked over to her. "I'm still gonna be Quinn..."
"Are you?" She parked and turned the car off, looking over at him. "Are you sure? I mean, do you know exactly what this stuff will do to you besides make you look more like a guy?"
"I've done a lot of reading... I emailed it all to you too." He said, understanding that Santana didn't read the text. "But here." He offered her a brochure. "Here you go, it's pretty much summarizing what you wanna know."
She shook her head, tossing the brochure in the backseat. "I've read all this stuff, Q. But papers and stories don't tell me what it's gonna do to you. I don't give a shit about all that stuff. I just care about you. Don't you get it? This stuff is freaking me out, Quinn."
"Well... Fuck." He sighed, "Just... fuck. Seriously. You think I want to have to do this? But the doctor said it was safe that it would just help regulate me okay? Make me more normal."
Santana raked her hands through her hair. "Dammit, Q, stop for a second and just let me tell you I'm scared okay? That's it. That's what's been messing with me. Okay? I'm fucking scared you're gonna stop being my Quinn!"
"I'm sorry." He whispered, "I'm sorry. It's okay to be scared." He took her hand and kissed it. "I'm sorry, you're scared and I don't know how to help."
"You can't," she whispered, looking at him with a teary smile. "The only thing that's gonna help is seeing what happens. I'm here, okay? I'm not saying don't do this, just... don't push me to tell you everything when what's wrong is I'm scared about something none of us can know."
"Okay..." He sighed, "I guess, I understand."
"Oh, bullshit." She smirked and leaned across the center console to kiss him softly, "I don't even understand, babe. But I'm gonna try and figure it out so you go get your prescription and we can go home and figure out how to give you your first dose, okay?"
He smiled into the kiss and nodded, "Okay..." He hopped out and headed into the store. After getting the prescription and picking out a rose for Santana he paid and came back out to the car. "This is for you, beautiful." He smiled and offered her the flower.
She laughed and took the rose, smelling it before tucking it behind her ear with a smirk. "Thank you, handsome. Let's go and figure out this whole injection thing okay?"
"I don't like needles." He pouted as she drove back to the house. "I don't like them at all."
"Guess that's my job then?" she teased, pulling into the driveway of the house. "Do I gotta make you a man, baby?"
"That sounds so dirty." He smirked, leaning over and pulling her into a kiss.
She tangled her fingers in his hair and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss for a moment before leaning over to whisper in his ear, "I could mean it dirty too, if you want." She slid her tongue along his earlobe for a moment before leaning back with a smirk, "But shouldn't we inject your man juice first?"
"I'll inject you with my man juice." he teased, before getting out of the car.
"You wish," she laughed, getting out and locking up before heading towards the house. "You just want to get up on this again," she gestured down her body as she walked backwards up the stairs, smirking down at him.
"Maybe." he said as he followed her up to the bathroom. "Here?" He asked as he looked at her, nervous to start the next venture of his transition.
She looked around and shrugged, "Or the bedroom. Shouldn't make too much of a mess. Where would you be more comfortable?"
"Bedroom works," He said, "Lemme pee first." He said needed a moment to centre himself before the shot.
"Okay. I'll just go um... get this ready and figure out what to do, okay?" Santana smiled at him, a bit nervous herself as she headed across the hall with the bag of supplies for the shot.
He nodded, closing the door and taking a deep breath. "I can do this." he whispered, before mumbling a soft prayer. Once finished he headed across to Santana's bedroom.
"Hey, baby," she whispered, smiling at him as he came in, the alcohol wipes, syringe, needles and bottle of testosterone on her nightstand. "Where would you like your man juice?" she teased. "In the thigh or in the ass?"
"The ass makes that sentence sound really gay." He remarked, "So, I guess thigh."
"Baby, can you really be gay if your girlfriend is the one giving it to you in the ass?" Santana smirked, resting a hand on her hip. "I just wanna know if you want to see me stick you or not."
"I can close my eyes... Or look at you." He said softly, unbuckling his pants and sliding them down his legs. He sat on her bed in light blue boxer briefs and watched her. "You okay with doing this?"
"Honestly?" she asked pulling on a pair of gloves to make things as sterile as possible and prepping the syringe and bottle before filing the syringe, "Not completely, but I'll deal." She smirked at him, "I mean, if anyone's gonna make you a man, it should be your girlfriend, right?" She carefully filled the syringe to the dose he'd been prescribed. "Maybe next time I should wear my candystripper outfit, hmm?"
"Mmm." He moaned just thinking about it. "Please... I would enjoy playing doctor with you." He smiled and leaned up and kissed her. "We're in this together okay? Not just me but us... if that's what you want."
"Mostly you," she smirked, kissing him as she jabbed the needle into his thigh. "See? Just a little prick," she teased, pulling back to make sure she hadn't hit a vein before pushing the dose into his muscle. Pulling the needle back out, she capped it and tossed it onto the nightstand before grabbing a band-aid to cover the blood slowly seeping out of the prick. "So, how's it feel?" she asked, rubbing his thigh to massage the hormone into the muscle.
"Ow..." He complained, as her lips left his. "That hurts." He made a face and glared at his thigh. "I don't like the needle part of that."
"Maybe I just need to distract you more next time," she whispered, pulling off the gloves and crawling onto the bed to straddle his hips. "Hi."
He wrapped her arms around her waist. "Sounds nice." He remarked, "Thank you for sticking me."
Santana laughed, leaning in to nuzzle his neck. "Don't tempt me to stick you for real," she teased. "I'm not sure you're up to being pegged, baby."
"No thank you, I'm not Sam." He smiled and held her tightly. "I love you, San."
"I love you too," she murmured, smiling softly and running a hand through his hair before she leaned in and kissed him, nipping at his lower lip and teasing gently.
He smoothed his hands down her back and kissed her gently, "You know that one of the side effects of T is increased sex drive, right?" he asked softly, "Are... when that happens will you want me as I am... or with my dick."
"Idiot," she laughed, smirking down at him with her fingers tangled in his hair. "Isn't your dick part of you? Q, I just want you. Isn't that enough?"
"I'm just asking.. you know, because of when we fought." He reminded her, "I don't want you to not enjoy sex."
Santana sat up and rolled her eyes, "Q, you're being an idiot." She pulled her shirt off, reaching back to unhook her bra, "Look at me for a second please," she tossed her top and bra away, leaving her topless, her nipples visibly hard even in the warm room. "Do I look like someone who doesn't want you? When you fucked me did you ever need lube? Seriously, with how wet I get for you do you really believe I'm not enjoying myself?"
"I just... what you said scared me and I want to make sure, okay?" He said simply, his hands moving up to her ribcage.
"Like what?" she asked softly, grinding slightly into his lap, "Like how I get off harder on your fingers and mouth?" She shrugged, "That's true for lots of women, Q. Different stimulation gets different results. And you are fucking amazing with your fingers and tongue, baby."
"Please don't play this like I'm crazy for reading into this..." he sighed, "Never mind."
Santana sighed, "Quinn, you're not crazy, but you are putting a lot more importance on the crap I yell when I'm pissed off and scared than you should be. You know me. You know I say shit just to hurt the person I'm pissed off with or scared of. Baby, I love you. I love your dick - even if Kelly did sell it to you or Sam bought it for you and Blaine helped you put it on the first time. I fucking enjoy when you fuck me so hard I can barely breathe and I love it when you love me so slow and gentle I think I'm going to explode by the time I finally come."
She stretched out on top of him, crossing her arms loosely above his head, "I just love you, okay? Just you and no one else."
"I love you too," he said softly, "I know that you love me and I know you have a tendency to run your mouth... but it hurt my feelings and as much as I need to understand how you feel about my transition, you need to understand you hurt me pretty bad."
"I know," she whispered, resting her head on his shoulder, "and I spent the next few days looking everywhere for you so I could apologize too. But everyone was protecting you and shutting me out and I couldn't even say I was sorry for being such a bitch to you. The worst part was that most of it was lies and it felt like ripping my heart out to say it to you. I was just hurting so bad right then that I wanted you to hurt like I was."
"I mean, I know I've got a reputation as a dirty slut and I was pushing you the wrong way, but it still hurt me a lot to hear you call me that..."
"You're not a slut and I know that," he said softly, "I didn't know the line. I didn't know what was too far. I was just using words that you more or less said yourself. I'm so, so sorry I called you that." He said softly, "I feel so bad for hurting you like that."
"I think maybe before I ask you for stuff like that, I should tell you what's okay first," she suggested, enjoying snuggling on top of him even if she knew she'd have to put her top back on at least before her parents came home.
"I'm still really new at all of this," he reminded her. "Sex... with you is amazing and I don't love being pushed to possess you or whatever it is you want. It makes me feel... it made me feel like my dad when you made me do that."
"Ugh, I didn't even think about that," she shuddered. "I'm so sorry, Q. I never wanted to make you feel like that. I just," she shrugged, "I like when you make me feel like I belong to you. Like you won't let anyone take me away. Like, you know... you'd fight for me before you let me go. I like when you say things like I'm yours. That doesn't make you feel like your dad, does it?"
"I mean... I grew up as his property." Quinn explained, "I watched how he treated my mom and sister and me... I don't want to associate those feelings with you." He kissed her shoulder. "I would never let anyone take you away or hurt you... I just need to find another way of making you believe that."
"It's not," she licked her lips, trying to think of a way to phrase it, "it's not like that. I don't want that sort of creepy stalker possessiveness your dad had. I want something more like... I belong to you because you love me and I'm the only one you want. I want to feel like I'm that important to you when we have sex. Like if we were in a club and someone kept trying to pick me up, I'd get so hot seeing you tell him off and I'd want to have sex with you in an alley or the back of our car... that's not so bad is it?"
"Not at all..." He looked at her curiously, "But isn't that just love? Shouldn't we have that because we love each other? I know I do..."
"Well... yeah. But I want you to be firm with me sometimes, Q. Not always, I mean, I love when you're gentle too, but sometimes I just want you to... to fuck me, you know?" she shrugged, having trouble explaining, "Like in the car that first time when I didn't know who you were. Just... hard enough I feel you the next day when I'm trying to walk." She winced, "That doesn't make you feel like your dad, does it?"
"No... that I can do." He smiled, as he ran his hands up and down her back. "I just don't like having to call you things or when you talk about other people in bed."
"Oh... it um... It worked on other guys so I thought it would work on you," she bit her lip, feeling bad about it. "I was lying... about Puck. I never let him do that. He asked. Like all the time. But I never let him. I never let anyone."
"Good." Quinn remarked, "No one but me will ever touch you again, okay? As long as you let me love you."
She nodded, relaxing into him and nuzzling his neck. "Good," she whispered softly, kissing the corner of his jaw, "cause I plan on letting you love me for a long damn time. Now... do you think maybe we can change into pjs and cuddle until dinner? I kinda want to take a nap with you if that's okay and I don't want my parents freaking out when they find you in here."
"Yeah, throw on a shirt and I'll wait for you." He smiled and scooted back on the bed and laid down.
Santana laughed, crawling off him. "You just wanna watch my tits as I look for a shirt," she teased, putting her hands under them and pushing them up as she backed towards her dresser. "Get a good look, handsome, cause you're not getting to see them again until we're both ready to do the deed again, got it?"
"Man, that's not fair," he pouted, "I like your tits..."
"Didn't say you wouldn't get to feel ﾑem, baby," she pointed out, pulling a shirt over her head and smoothing it down over the shorts she'd worn out. "Just that I don't want you to see them again until I'm naked and dripping for your dick."
He smirked. "Sounds like something to look forward too," he said as he opened his arms for her when she crawled back in the bed. He looped his arms around her and rested a hand on her breast. "Mine," he joked as he kissed her softly.
"See?" she smiled at him, snuggling into his body until they fit together like they were designed to be like that from the beginning, "That's the kind of possessive I want, baby."
"That kind I can handle," he whispered.
"Good," she breathed, yawning as she relaxed against him, moments from sleep. "Because that's the best kind."
He could feel it pulsing in his veins every time he saw them together. The hate and rage mingled into a potent tide storming through his blood. He was betrayed in the most vile manner.
A black man. A negro. That was the sort of filth his wife was associating with. Desecrating her body with a lesser race. It was disgusting to even contemplate.
He hated seeing them together. Each laugh and smile felt like a stinging slap across his face. Every time their hands even brushed, his fingers tightened on the cool silver of the letter opener in his pocket. It wasn't one of his, but it would do. It would serve.
He wanted to tear him open. Make the ape bleed like he did the creature that used to be his daughter. He'd wash her sins away with the blood that pulsed through the beast's veins. He could be magnanimous. He'd take her back despite her sins against him. Teach her the way to be a proper wife again.
They'd try again.
Yes, she was aging. Childbirth might be difficult on her after the difficulties with the first two, but she owed him a second child after presenting him with an abomination as his offspring. Her sins made flesh through her womb. There was no way that disgusting wretch was born of his loins. It was lucky those filthy spics were willing to take it in but when the time was right he'd erase that abomination too.
He lamented the loss of his daughter. She would have been a proper daughter, honoring her father by not fighting the way her sister had. She was small like her mother. Pliant the way a woman should be.
He groaned, reaching down to rub the hardness in his pants as he thought about her blossoming body. It was his duty as her father to ensure she was properly trained to take up her wifely duties. Trained in all areas, from the kitchen to the bedroom.
His head hit the glass of the car's window with a low moan as he undid his pants and gripped his bulging hardness, stroking it urgently as his thoughts played out on the back of his closed eyelids. He could see her on her properly pink bed, undressed as he'd have instructed and ready to begin her lessons on how to properly please her husband. He could feel his testicles tightening up as he imagined how tight she'd have been as she spread her legs for him and allowed him to set the first seed to her fertile fields as was right and proper.
Her sister had fought. Had always fought. She didn't know her place. He'd had to tie her down to prepare her. Gag her to keep her from screaming when Judy and Quinn had been in the house and still she'd resisted.
He'd been forced to hit her. He hadn't wanted to. He never wanted to strike his women but they always forced him. He had to punish them so they'd know their place.
Eventually, she'd stopped fighting. Stopped resisting his efforts to prepare her and had allowed him to ready her. That was how he'd known she was ready to be wed. Chief Matterly had been properly appreciative of how prepared his new bride was as well.
He grunted as he felt his orgasm coming faster, pulling his hand away and tucking himself in before he could come. Straightening, he started the car and pulled away from his place by the school. He needed to find a proper receptacle for his seed. Whores were filthy, but at least they were plentiful and bore the shape of a proper vessel for his seed instead of spilling it on the ground and sinfully wasting it.
Judy lowered herself down onto the wood floor in John's living room. She had on a simple pair of jeans and a sweatshirt she had been given at the women's shelter she stayed at for a few weeks in Washington, DC before heading into Maryland. She had her newly dyed brown hair pulled back into a ponytail and she wore no make up and still she smiled. She was never allowed to dress like this when she was married, she always had to be presentable and in a dress for her husband.
She thought she saw him again the night before. When she and John left the evening AA meeting held at the church they both attended. She could have sworn she saw him in the car parked in the back of the parking lot. She shook her head and ignored the feeling and walked closer to John and headed into her car to drive to his house. She had slept more that night than she had in the recent week - she always slept better knowing someone else was there and she was in a alarmed house.
John's tiny kitten climbed up on her leg as she scratched its head with a soft smile, "Did you name him yet?" She asked as she let her fingers comb through the kitten's soft fur.
He looked up from the papers spread on the coffee table with a sheepish smile. "Not yet, I'm afraid. Maybe you'd like to do the honors? I've never been very good at naming things."
She picked up the small orange kitten and snuggled it on her shoulder before standing up and going to pour them both coffee. "Neither am I," she said softly, as she fixed his coffee with lots of sweetener and milk and her own with just milk. She brought the cups over to the table and sat down with him. "What have you been calling him then?" she asked settling him down on her thighs once she sat.
"Cat," he smirked, taking the cup with a grateful smile and taking a sip. "You know you don't have to make my coffee, Judy. I'm perfectly capable of getting up and doing it myself. Not that I don't appreciate it. You just don't have to put yourself out for my sake. You're a guest in my home after all."
"It's fine," She said, "And you've been calling this little ball of fur cat?" she smiled and shook her head, "You're a peculiar man, Johnathan." She looked down at the kitten and smiled, "My children always wanted a cat when they were little."
"He is a cat," he shrugged, watching her with an amused smile for a moment before turning back to his papers. "Sometimes I call him Little Shit. Is that better?" He chuckled softly, turning a page. "But yeah, most kids want pets. They're good for teaching responsibility, but just watch, most of the time the parents end up taking up the slack cause the kids are allowed to have the pet too early. Why couldn't your kids? Allergies?"
Judy looked down, "My husband was the reason we couldn't have anything." She explained, "He didn't like things to pester him. He didn't even want the children around before they could talk or walk." She pet the little animal with a sad smile, "And don't curse it makes you sound less intelligent then you are, plus the cat needs a proper name. What about Carter or Trevor?"
"No offense, Judy, but it sounds like you married a real dick. And I'd like to see you not curse when he decides it's time to wake you up by burying his little needle claws into certain sensitive bits of your anatomy." He pointed at her with his red grading pen, laughing. "Isn't Carter or Trevor a bit, I don't know, human for a cat? What about Bugsy or Orange? I mean, he's pretty orange, don't you think?"
"Tangerine? Mango?" She smiled, "Just because you are sensitive does not make little Mango a brat." She smiled and kissed the cats head. "My husband... he has anger issues." she looked away, "He didn't like me or our children the way he should."
"Sounds like it and I am not sensitive," he defended himself. "That pole is not to be used to sharpen kitten claws!"
"Oh gosh!" Judy gasped, "I'm... I'm sorry I didn't realize... I'm sorry!" She blushed and looked down.
John laughed. "It's not that big a deal, Judy, no permanent damage. Don't be embarrassed, but you have to admit, that's a sensitive bit of the anatomy, don't you?" He jotted down a couple of numbers into his gradebook before smiling at her. "Now do you see why I consider him a brat on occasion?"
"True. Bad Mango." She scolded the kitten.
The little kitten just looked up at her with big eyes and mewled softly before batting at her scolding finger. John laughed, "I don't think he gets it." Jotting down a last grade, he closed his gradebook with a pleased sigh and started shuffling his papers together. "Well, that's that for another year. How about I whip up a nice batch of pasta primavera for dinner? It's kind of a specialty of mine."
"Already thinking about food and we haven't finished coffee." She smiled.
"Pretty girl, I am always thinking about food," he laughed, patting his stomach. "But you don't have to do a thing. Just relax and let me take care of things in the kitchen. A man's gotta know how to cook if he wants to impress the ladies like my momma always said!"
"That is very different then what my mother told me..." She remarked.
"No offense on your mother, Judy," John headed into the kitchen, only to reappear moments later tying an apron on, "but which do you prefer? A mother that says women should serve men, or one that says the ladies love a man who can cook and clean? My dad used to have an apron that said Nothing Says Lovin' Like An Apron On Your Husban'." He laughed, "Well, he did until the dog got a hold of it and ate the barbecue sauce stains off."
She giggled, "Your family sounds lovely." She smiled, "Are you close with them? Do they live around this area?"
"They used to," he smiled wistfully, ducking his head to watch himself tie his apron strings. "Momma passed away a couple years back and dad died in December of '98. They were good people though. You probably would have liked them."
"They created you," She smiled, "So I'm sure they were lovely people." She took a sip of her coffee and focused on the kitten. "Do you have any siblings?"
"Flatterer," he teased, smiling and heading in to start prepping to cook. "But yeah, I've got a sister up in Connecticut and a brother out west with the Navy. We try to get together about once a year but it doesn't always work out. What about you? What's your family like?"
"Very conservative parents. I'm from Ohio, I've never really been outside of it until now." She admitted, "My father was a pastor but died when I was about ten and my mother never really did much of anything. She lived off of an inheritance from her family. I don't have any siblings..."
"Sounds lonely. You oughta tag along to one of my family shindigs this summer." He poked his head out of the kitchen and waggled his brows at her with a cheeky grin, "You can be my date, which is another way of saying savior in this case as my aunts are all about trying to play matchmaker with me since my divorce and I need a cover to get them to lay off. But you might like to see how the non-conservative side of things work out."
"That would be lovely." She smiled, "Since school's out, I'll probably work at the church... My sponsor has a connection there and she said that I could easily pick up the opening for a receptionist." She smiled liking being able to provide for herself. "It wasn't that bad, I had my first child pretty young and she kept me company."
"Children are to be our pride and joy, Judy, not company." He glanced out of the kitchen at her, concerned. "Husbands are supposed to take care of and be the first friend of their wives. Didn't you have any friends?"
"No." She said simply, "I didn't need any friends. I wasn't to leave my house without Russell... I had my children to take care of. They were my priority." she looked away, knowing she failed both of her children in the worst ways.
He stepped out of the kitchen with a worried frown, "Judy, that's not a marriage, that's a prison. Why in God's name did you ever agree to marry an asshole like that?"
"Because." She said her eyes still locked on the little ball of fur purring in her lap. "I loved him." She lied and closed her eyes, remembering his words reminding her that she was his and no one would ever love her. "I got pregnant and we got married."
"You loved him?" He stared at her dumbfounded, looking appalled. "Judy, the man left you with two black eyes! I know you're smarter than to stay with someone who abuses you just because you love him."
"Johnathan..." She whispered, "I have two children with him. I had my daughter at 16..." She swallowed, "I'm not really in the best position to make the decision whether I can or can't stay with someone. I don't even have a high school diploma."
"Alright then, that settles it." He nodded, wiping his hands on the towel he'd tucked in his apron. "This summer, we're going to crash course high school and you're getting your GED. You're entirely too intelligent to be languishing without an education. You're a smart - and still entirely young - woman, Judy. I bet with a bit of effort you could have that diploma by the end of the summer. What do you say?"
"You'll..." She looked at him, "You'll help me?" a smile breaking out on her face. "Quinn... Quinn will be so proud, John... He's the only one of the kids to graduate. He'd be so proud."
"Of course I'll help you, woman!" He laughed as if she'd just said something completely ridiculous, "I am a teacher, aren't I? And your friend. My momma raised me to respect women but she didn't raise me to think they were fools just because they're shaped different than me, Judy. I love women. As a whole. And I believe they can achieve any damn thing they set their mind to. And if they need a bit of help here and there, well, that's what men are for, don't you think?" He smiled. "I think I'd like to meet your boy someday. He sounds like a good man."
"I hope he's learning how to be one... He didn't have any good role models as a child." She sighed, "I was a terrible parent and his father..." she looked away knowing how badly she let her husband treat Quinn. "I failed both of my children."
"Judy," he tossed the towel on the counter after mixing the vegetables and pasta together with the sauce, coming in and kneeling in front of her, "listen to me. Failing depends on what's happened by the end of everything. Yeah, you've had a bad start, but you're still here and both of your kids are still alive, right? That means you've still got time. The race isn't over yet and there's still a lot of running left in you. Don't give up on yourself so quick, alright?"
"You don't know what I let him do to them... You won't think that it's all okay if you knew." She looked away and wiped her eyes, "They're not okay... I don't know if they ever will be."
"Well, why don't you tell me, pretty girl?" he asked softly, reaching up to wipe her tears away with a gentle thumb. "I know the man's a coward and a monster who beats women. Just give me another reason to hate him. I promise I won't judge you for any of it."
"He hurt them." She whispered, "He hurt them so bad and I let him..."
"Bull," he growled, angry at the thought of a man hurting his kids, "unless you held them down or gave him the tools to beat them, you didn't let him do jack. Got it? What'd he do? You can tell me, Judy..."
"He..." she put the kitten down on the floor and curled into herself. "He hurt my eldest. Frannie. He hit all of us... but he... he... he touched her in ways a father shouldn't." she looked away. "I was... I drank to ignore the fact he was hurting me like that and I didn't see him hurting her."
"Judy, did he," he looked nauseous, "did he rape his daughter? God, did he do that to you?"
She looked down and closed his eyes. She took shallow breaths through her newly healed nose and nodded slowly, "He's been doing that to me since I was 15... that's when he started on her."
John's jaw clenched. "I'll kill him," he growled, his hands balling into fists. "The damn monster!" He rose to his feet, pacing to wear down the rage in his system. "How dare he call himself a man! What about Quinn? He didn't touch your boy, did he?"
"I managed to keep his interest off Quinn..." she said softly, "He only hit him and... then what happened before I had to leave." She looked down, "We weren't what Russell wanted he liked to remind us... Quinn was his perfect thing, until... he wasn't anymore."
"How is that failing him, Judy?" He stood in the middle of the room, looking strong and powerful in building but his eyes were soft as he looked at her. "How did you fail Quinn if you kept that monster away from him? As to beating," he shook his head, "you're tiny, Judy. No one would expect you to be able to stop someone bigger than you. And he beat you too. But what do you mean about Quinn being his perfect thing until he wasn't? Did he have a problem with his son too?"
"Yes..." She whispered, "He made my daughter go away and then when it was just me and Quinn... He tried very hard to make Quinn who he wanted... and that didn't work... My child had quite the rebellious streak that his sister did not inherent and she didn't get to discover. She was married off when she turned 18." Judy looked down, "My daughter doesn't speak to me and I doubt she would have helped Quinn if she could. She was brainwashed and broken."
"Lord God, protect the children of this monster," he whispered softly before dropping to his knees in front of Judy again. "Judy, if I were your daughter, I wouldn't speak to anyone. The good Lord knows I probably wouldn't even be alive. It's not your fault. The sin is entirely on him. The Lord gives us children to protect and cherish, not harm. What he did to you and your daughter is a sin. A horrible sin. And God will judge him harshly for it."
"They are my children." She whispered, "I... I helped create them and then I let him break them apart. I sat in the other room and drank while he raped my daughter and cut apart my son."
"These six things doth the Lord hate," he spoke softly, quoting the Bible they both cherished as he took her hands, "yea, seven are an abomination unto him. A proud look, a lying tongue and hands that shed innocent blood. A heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies and he that soweth discord among breathren." He squeezed her hands gently, "You're not the one who did these things, Judy. Yes, you hid in alcohol and that was wrong but it was far more wrong for him to abuse you and your children. Far more."
"I miss Quinn." She whispered, "I left when he needed me the most."
"I'm sure he misses you too. Why don't you save up money and make plans to visit him?" He smiled softly up at her, "I know I'd love to see my momma again even though I'm a grown man. A boy always wants his momma, Judy."
"He won't want to see me." She whispered, "He was almost dead when I left. I had to kick him out bleeding and go back to my husband... I abandoned him. He begged me to stay and I can't... I can't go back there while Russell is still around."
"Don't assume he won't want to see you, Judy." He ran his thumbs over the backs of her hands. "You don't know that. I can understand not wanting to risk the monster you're divorcing, but once he's out of the picture, you need to strongly consider going back to him. Boys need their moms."
"He's a special boy." She whispered, "I wasn't there to protect him. I tried to help him hide but it just made everything worse." She sniffled, "I love my son more than anything."
"Hide? Judy, you're not making any sense."
"My son is different, John." She whispered, "He was born a girl... but... he... he's my little boy." She wiped her eyes, "Russell tried to kill him because he was discovering and trying to be who he was."
John was quiet for a moment, just kneeling there and trying to absorb what she'd told him. He'd never known any transgendered people as far as he knew, but his parents hadn't raised him to judge people. "That's no excuse to hurt a child, Judy. And your boy will always be that monster's child. He has so much to answer for and I wish I could be the one to deliver the questions. I'd still like to meet your son some day, if that's okay?"
"I would like to see what he looks like as a boy." She whispered, "I haven't seen him since.. since he was in the hospital. I bet he's so handsome." She blinked, "The only picture I have is his cheerleading photo and he looks so unhappy." She picked up the kitten who was trying to hop up her leg. "He's my child and I want him to he happy and I know me being around him wouldn't let him be happy."
"Don't be foolish. He's your son. I'm sure he wants to see you, Judy. He'd be more unhappy never seeing you again, I'm sure." John soothed her, smiling at her and rubbing her hands. "Come on, let's get some food in you and you can cuddle with Mango in the guest room or we could watch a movie, whatever you like to do to unwind after a long day. How's that sound?"
"Can we watch a movie?" she asked shyly, "I don't think I want to be alone right now..." She got up and started going to help him in the kitchen. "You're a very good friend, Johnathan."
"Sounds like a plan." He chuckled softly as he pulled plates and glasses down out of the cabinets. "Now there's something I hear a lot. Even my ex-wife says I'm a good friend. Well, she does when she's not yelling at me about something. Only thing I regret about my marriage over all though? No kids. It's a shame."
"I've seen you with your students..." she smiled fondly, "it's beautiful. You'd be a great father." she remarked as she poured them some water.
He laughed, "Couldn't prove it from some of the stuff my ex says." He glanced over at her with a smirk. "Of course, she's also called me the devil incarnate a couple of times. Maybe cause I got the house."
"It is a lovely house." She smiled, "could use a woman's touch, but it's very you." She set the table and folded napkins. "I don't think you are the devil incarnate, I'm married to him and you are nothing like that."
John smirked, bringing the food out and setting it on the table in a nice bowl. "Well, good to know and your husband is a complete asshole, but doesn't every woman think their ex-husband is the devil incarnate?" He carefully served out two equal portions of the pasta and vegetable mix in the bowl. "Do you want any pepper, by the way? I didn't add any because I wasn't sure, but I have a grinder in the kitchen."
"No, it looks lovely." She smiled and moved to get the cheese dispenser to prepare his food before hers.
"Judy," he rested a hand over hers with a gentle smile, "you don't have to serve me. You're my guest and my friend and it's my honor to serve you so just relax, okay?"
"Sorry..." She said before sitting down and daintily putting her napkin on her lap. "I guess old habits are hard to change. I still think about reaching for a bottle of wine when I get home from the school, and when I sit down to write to Quinn."
"Grab grape juice instead," he shrugged. "It's what I do. Or tea or water. Sometimes rootbeer. Just something to let you have the familiar motion without the alcohol. Eventually, you don't even need that, but I do enjoy a nice mug of hot tea after a long day to unwind."
"Easier to say than do," she smiled before taking a small bite of her dinner. "But, I take it one hour at a time these days. More like second to second."
"That's the best way," he grinned, taking a bite. After a little bit of quiet eating he gestured towards her barely touched plate. "Is something wrong? You're hardly eating."
"Oh." She looked confused for a moment not sure as to how to react to someone paying attention to how she ate. "It's very good, but I don't eat much. You are a very good chef, maybe you should be a lunch lady." She teased.
"No, I prefer to be on the other side of the counter wrangling the herds of eight to nine year olds," he joked. "But you should eat more. You're barely skin and bones as it is. Enjoy food and you enjoy life. They kinda go hand in hand in my book."
She blushed. "I'm plenty big enough," she remarked, "but I'm trying to eat more..."
"Good cause I'd hate it if you blew away in the next storm," he teased. "Come on, eat a little more then we can have some pie later. I bought one of Sandy's Dutch apple pies at the bake sale last weekend and have been just dying for some company to dig in with. I've got vanilla ice cream to go on top too."
"You are terrible." She smiled and ate a couple more bites. "I think that pie sounds lovely. I will have to make you one someday, I've gotten quite good at it."
"Oh, don't you tease me with pie and fail to deliver, pretty lady. I'll have you know that's my fatal weakness." He grinned, leaning back in his chair, "I do love a nice, warm slice of pie with a good scoop of ice cream melting on top. Just kills my diets when I try them on."
"You don't need any diet." She smiled, "You are perfect." she said bashfully. "I'll make you blackberry or sweet potato pie someday."
He threw back his head laughing. "Perfect? Lord God above, woman, you should have seen me in my prime! I got through college on a wrestling scholarship. I was one lean, mean, fighting machine." He patted his stomach, "This now, this is going on twenty years teaching and living the good life without worrying about my weight. I'm plenty padded now. Probably a bit more than I should be according to the doc."
"If you're not happy with it, I could help you work out. It's good to work off some of the stress of life." She offered, "I've recently taken up yoga since I've come here."
"Yoga, huh?" he looked at her with an odd expression, "I, ah... might just take up walking a bit more. Maybe get one of those elliptical things for when it's bitter out. Yoga might be just a tad too, um, advanced for me right now." He glanced away, grateful for once that his dark skin made it hard to see when he was blushing. "I'm sure you're great at it though."
"The women's rehab centre recommended it and it's a free class." she shrugged, "What movie would you like to watch?" she asked as she started to gather her dishes, "Once I help you wash the dishes."
"I don't know about you, but I've always been partial to old black and whites," he shrugged, moving to fill the sink with soapy water after putting the rest of the pasta away. "You know, the classics, with like Cary Grant and Sinatra. Don't you go telling any of the guys I ride with on our poker runs but I like the old romances, don't you?"
"I don't think I've ever seen any of those." She smiled, she grabbed the sponge and rubber gloves and started washing the dishes. "But, as long as I can have a blanket and Mango, I'm a happy woman."
"Woman, how many times do I have to tell you that you don't have to wait on me?" he laughed when he turned around from the fridge and realized she was elbow deep in soap and dirty dishes already. "My momma raised a man who could fend for himself. I don't expect anyone, and certainly not a pretty woman like yourself, to take care of me. I can wash those you know."
"You cooked, I can wash a silly dish." she replied, "Now go find a movie and I would like your heated blanket if it's not too much trouble." she raised her eyebrow, "And please feed your cat before he tries to eat you." she nodded to the kitten staring at John with a desperate glare.
He laughed, shaking his head. "Yes, mistress." Heading over to the cupboard, he grabbed a tin of cat food out and peeled it open, using a fork to scoop half of it into the kitty dish and added a small scoop of kitty kibble to go with it. "There you go, Mango. Eat up."
Putting the rest of the wet food in the fridge with some plastic over it, he smirked at her. "And how's that, my lady? Shall I get your blanket now and get it plugged in and warming for you now?" he teased, grinning to show he didn't mean anything by it.
"Thank you so much." she smiled, "Me and Mango will come I will come in when we are done."
"Mango and I, my dear. And you're waking up in the guest room even if I have to carry you this time," he joked. "I know my couch is comfortable, but there's nothing wrong with the bed, I promise."
She just shook her head and rolled her eyes as she finished doing the dishes. She scooped up the kitten and snugged him as she walked into the living room and sat down on the blanket and wrapped herself up in it. "This is the best thing ever."
"That old thing?" He smirked, "Maybe if you're lucky, I'll get you one of your own for Christmas. They even make them in microplush now so they're warm and fuzzy." He'd flipped on the tv, switching it to an old Cary Grant film. "You comfortable over there with Mango?"
"Yes, he and I are very happy." she smiled and rested back. She pet the kitten as she watched the movie, her eyes drooping as she watched the film until she finally nodded off, her head lolling back against the couch.
John glanced over as the end credits ran and shook his head. "Dammit, Judy, now I'm gonna have to carry you." Sighing, he got up and turned the TV off. Unplugging the blanket, he carefully wrapped her a little tighter and picked her and Mango up in the warm blanket. The kitten let out a little mrwl of surprised at the sudden movement. "Hush you. You can stay where you are," he whispered, making his way down the hall.
Pushing the door to the guest bedroom open, he got her to the bed, laying her on one side and pulling the blankets back on the other before rolling her into bed. Grabbing the trailing cord, he plugged it into the wall and carefully tucked her in with just the sheet from the bed, folding the heavy comforter back so she wouldn't get too hot. "Sleep well, Judy," he whispered, leaning down to kiss her forehead and give Mango's head a little rub before heading out of the room and pulling the door mostly closed.