A/N::: My first excuse is that I lost my flash drive. I cannot write without my flash drive!
My second is that this was a hard chapter to write! I don't have children! So any and all helpful tips on what/how to continue will be greatly appreciated! XD
Enjoy!
Ch.4
Effete:::
Worn out; degenerate
Cammie POV
Babies are cute. When they're not yours. But hell, taking care of a new born? Fucking hard.
But hey, why am I complaining? I've got two little devils of my own. Since they're newborns, as I've pointed out, I've had no choice but to take care of them myself, with Zach away at work, making the money. I honestly would never imagine my life as a homemaker at the simple age of twenty-freaking-three. But stupid Zach Goode and his stupid smirks and alluring body…
A sudden screech broke me out of my stupor as I rushed to the crib to cradle Abby, trying to lull her as best as I could while changing Matt's diaper. Two weeks in, and I'm already regretting turning down my mother's offer to help me take care of the twins. But honestly, my Morgan pride would never allow me to admit that I needed help. I mean, I'm Cameron Morgan, living and breathing legacy of Matthew and Rachel Morgan. How much trouble could raising two children be?
When we came home, only when I stepped through the threshold did I feel safe. Our (Zach and I) apartment had triple the security of normal houses. But apparently, it wasn't adequate. When news of the pregnancy had first broken out, Jonas insisted and convinced Zach to upgrade the security. After all, we would be in charge of a new, innocent life that will be entirely dependent on us. No pressure.
And so, I spent my fifth month of pregnancy watching Zach turn the guest room into a baby room. Yellow walls (since we didn't peek at the baby to see the sex), a beautifully carved crib that was a gift from my mother, a hi-tech baby monitor from Liz and Jonas, and a wardrobe full of fashionable designer baby clothes (who knew?) that just happened to be unisex, from Macey and Preston. And Bex? Of course Bex threw the baby shower (although I requested not to have one) that was simple and fun. If only my life was like that now.
First off, I only managed to get two whole hours of sleep before waking to Matt's beautiful scream that woke Abby as well. But luckily, I had Zach at that time, so he volunteered to check on them. But when he came back, claiming that they were hungry, I forced myself out of bed, reminding myself that they were Zach and my own legacies; I needed to take care of them to the utmost care.
After that, I managed to get three hours of sleep on the rocking chair, faintly remembering Zach leaving for work (because what kind of spy would I be if I didn't?). After those blissful hours of silence, I knew I would regret not letting Zach give them some of the bottled breast milk in the fridge (gross, I know, but you get used to it… eventually) and keeping my hour of sleep I lost.
Matt and Abby were balls of energy and bursting with curiosity. They've already tried to crawl and hide, and I've got a growing suspicion their tag-teaming on me to get in trouble. I know they're just babies, but they're spy babies.
Matt's got my brown eyes, and Abby's got Zach's green ones. They both have thin strands of brown hair and pale baby skin. They're so beautiful it's hard to believe they both managed to unhinge me in a matter of two week. Not in a bad way, though.
Two weeks later
A month. It's been a whole thirty days since our security pimped out place has been put to good use. 720 hours since I've had a good night's rest. 10,800 minutes that I've spent with my babies, who leave behind a trail of surprises every day for me. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love Matt and Abby. They've given me a new reason to thrive, have given life itself altogether a new definition entirely. But they needed almost 24/7 care, draining bottles and using up diapers like toilet paper. And after a month of changing diapers, tending to cries, sleepless nights and inevitably changing my shirt from puke/spit/spilled milk/baby food, I've realized something, sitting here in the magical silence as they nap.
I was exhausted.
I knew being a mother was tough. Of course it was; taking care of another life is surprisingly difficult. And I've never felt this drain since Solomon decided that I needed one-on-one training in the Amazon rain forest to defend myself against the Circle five years ago. It was stressful and hard. I had to navigate my way through the forest while avoiding purposeful traps and accidents. Nothing like fending off an anaconda with only a stick, rope and matches.
But even though my life isn't at risk and I don't have to perform some kind of super human phenomenon, the stress of caring for babies, two innocent youthful lives is just as massive as surviving.
So you're probably wondering what story of hysteria I'm going to tell you this time? Or did you actually think I would spend this time to rant about me dealing with the stress of newborns?
Well, it all started (at least I think it did), when Zach came home late one night, trying to be as quiet as possible, probably noting how it was all too quiet and dark in our three bedroom apartment. One wee problem, as Bex likes to claim exists when she puts too much stress on the door, is that it sticks. I didn't believe her but brushed it off. But apparently, Zach didn't see me cradling Abby to sleep in the living room, because he cursed and quietly slammed the door shut. I gritted my teeth, my inner tension already high and on edge because I was so close to getting them both asleep. Abby squirmed in my arms, and I almost cursed out loud, because her eyes fluttered open, and then closed. So when Zach came in and stood in the entryway, can you really blame me for how I reacted?
He started to speak but I cut him off, my voice straining to stay quiet and threatening. "I swear if you wake them I will literally rip your head off and shove it up your—" I glanced down at the tiny life in my arms, taking a deep breath to stay calm. "Please Zach, I've just barely got them to sleep. If you have any sense, then let me at least get them to their room. I've spent all day working my A-S-S off to keep it as quiet as possible because stupid Ms. Haney complained about all the crying when she's got that yapping poodle that just won't shut up and—" my voice cracked; I had to bite my lip to keep my emotions intact.
Without a word, Zach came over, taking Abby out of my arms. I looked at him, feeling empty. I was such a bitch when he just came in, and now he's helping me? God, I don't deserve him.
"Go rest Cam," he whispers, smiling as he gazes at Abby. "You deserve it."
I nod wordlessly, afraid of getting overemotional, tip toeing past the nursery and finally collapsing on the queen bed, hugging the sot duvets. I want to sleep so badly, but I know Zach would want to discuss my outburst while we can so I make my way to the bathroom, changing from a blue tee with dried spit and goo (don't ask) on it to sweats and a shirt of Zach's, too tired to care. I brush my teeth and untie my tangled hair and brush through it.
By the time I get out, Zach's already in bed, changed from his dress shirt to a loose white shirt.
"We need to talk," we both say. I sigh while he smiles. He pats the spot beside him and I go and sit, facing him.
"You first," he says firmly.
"Okay," I breath out. "Just hear me out, okay? I didn't mean to snap at you like I did. I just… it took forever to get Matt to sleep and just as long for Abby as well and I freaked out. And when that door slammed, the tension just went overboard in me and I snapped and I don't know why when you don't deserve it. I know I know, I'm the one that reject my mom's offer to help, but she's needed at Gallagher and I didn't want her to see that I'm not ready to be a parent and it's all just so messed up because I want my mother to be proud of me, and I wish my dad was here and Abby and I just hate the fact that my pride is always getting in the way and I just—snapped." I finish lamely. Oh shit, I just admitted my biggest fear and the look on Zach's face tells me that he took note of it. Aw hell.
He grasps my shoulders, making me look straight into his mesmerizing green eyes. "Listen to me, Cameron. You've been the best mother so far in the whole damn world, and you've been so strong ever since the birth of our children. I was scared when I found out we were having twins. Twins! Twice as much trouble."
"But—"
"No. No buts. You didn't even react as though it bothered you. You just brushed it off, knowing you could handle two babies. I was afraid that you'd back out, but no, you stepped up and took your rightful place as their mother without a single hesitation and I thought, you were so brave and strong, I couldn't believe that this was the same woman her hesitated on killing her enemy, and in the end, even after she killed someone you loved, you let her live. I know you don't exactly forgive her, but it takes so much more than guts to not give into the easy way. And you could have easily given up on the twins. That appalled expression you have on right now? That proves just how right I am. Cam, your heart's so big, you would never consider abandoning Matt and Abby, no matter how hard it gets. And when I realized this, I realized how undeserving I am of you. You're so strong and fearless, I bet if it was five children, you wouldn't notice because you'd be doing so damn well that it wouldn't matter. You'd be the best damn mother, and you will be the best damn mother. Together, we'll be the best damn parents, so don't you ever say you're not ready, because that would mean I'm not ready, and we're the Goodes, Cam. We're always ready." His eyes were so serious, his cheeks flushed, his breath unsteady, I didn't know what to say. Zach was usually a one sentence speaker; you'd be lucky if you'd get a full explanation from him. But now, after all this, he managed to lecture me to my place, and I should feel happy, right?
"I'm so tired," I cried, wrapping my arms around myself. "I shouldn't feel so reluctant, Zach. Taking care of Abby and Matt shouldn't feel like a job. They're my children, and I should love them unconditionally, but it's so hard because I'm so tired of all of this. I know you think I'm strong, but I'm not! I'm a monster for not loving my children so willingly and I feel so wretched for taking it out on you." I sob quietly, the emotional toll of babies taking its effect. And then Zach's arms are around me, and he's whispering in my ear, soothing me but I don't hear anything besides the truth I've decided on: I'm a horrible mother and I'm weak, useless and I've failed everyone.
"It takes someone strong to admit their greatest fears, Cammie. It takes someone strong-willed and determined to persevere through it alone. But you're not alone and never will be, Cam. Abby and Matt are our legacies, but they don't have to be. We can just as easily leave them at an orphanage and put it all behind us," Zach whispers. I stare at him in horror.
"How could you, Zach? Even considering that—"
"See? Even though you lie to yourself, calling yourself down on being a horrible mother, you still want to give them the best. And that is what makes you a great mother, Cam. You love them so much; it pains you to even consider abandoning them. You just need to realize it and accept that you may not be perfect, but you can be great." He kisses my forehead and with that simple touch, I'm able to feel all the love radiating of Zach for me, for Abby and Matt.
"You're right," I sniff, wiping away dried tears, "I may not be perfect but I can be a damn great mother. I'll… I'll be right back, Zach." I jump out of the bed with new energy, needing to prove that I do love them.
I creak open the nursery door and make a beeline to the crib. A smile comes on my face when I see both Abby and Matt sleeping soundly in the crib, under a shared blanket, almost hugging each other. I lean over as much as I can and kiss Abby's soft head gently, putting as much love into it as I can. I do the same to Matt, holding his escaped hand, whispering how handsome he would be when he grows up. His hand tightens around my pinky, and for once, I don't fear waking him up. I want him to, just to show that I do love them. But he just squirms, his eyes not even opening. I caress Abby's face, whispering how beautiful she was and how Matt would have to fend off teenage boys that would be all over her.
"Goodnight, Abby. Goodnight, Matt. I love you both so much," I murmur softly. I back away and turn, only to see Zach leaning against the doorframe, looking at me as if I was a precious gem. I run into his arms and hug him tightly.
"Thank you Zach. I don't know what I would do without you," I mutter into his chest. He chuckles.
"Well, for starters, you wouldn't be wearing that shirt." I grin up at him. "Let's go Cam. Who knows how long this peaceful silence will last." For once I don't object. Because when the sun rises, I'll be a mom again. But for now, under the cover of the night, I am a woman with a true love waiting.
I get my first full night of sleep at last.
A/N::: XD Did you think I meant Zach when I said "true love waiting"? I meant sleep XP You sick minded people!
Review and let me know how far I should take this. Keep it in toddler age or go onto teenage years or as far as Zach and Cammie's death?
Also, I'll take any words for the next chapter as long as it's creative, long, and not one used a lot. USE YOUR BRAIN PEOPLES!
Review!