Chapter 4: Just a blame
I open my eyes to Brittany's face she is asleep. I am still on top of her but I don't move a inch. I rise and fall as she breathes. This has been a fight that I have not always won. The fight to leave before she wakes up when I just want to sleep and not worry about it.
I slowly move off of Brittany, looking at her face the whole time. Like I am waiting for her to open her eyes. I don't know if it hurts her to wake up to a empty spot beside her. I lose my mind just to think about it. All the what ifs in my head swirling around just makes me dizzy and confused. It always causes me to remember my first time with her when it was just based off of hormones and not emotions.
I don't even know is Brittany cares for me. If she feels something other than lust because I just can't see it when we are fucking so I don't show it either. Because I am not in love with Brittany I just care for her. And if she wants this to stop, I just can't let that happen. She isn't like Quinn or Santana they are all different I should know I have fucked each one of them several times.
But it's not just the sex I can feel everything they are feeling when we are fucking. Quinn doesn't count from them because sex with Quinn wasn't sex at all, it always involved love even if it was after a fight.
I take the strap on off of me and throw it to the floor. I search around the floor to find my shirt and pants once I pick them up I hear Brittany speak.
"Rachel why don't you ever stay? I know this isn't suppose to some fairytale where we fall in love deeply. But we can be friends at least. You are being selfish." Brittany is already on her feet, ready to fight.
I stay silent until I put my pants on not even bothering to zip them up. I turn around to see her glaring at me.
"I am selfish? Ha look who is talking you have tortured me through high school. And you are expecting me to be friends with you. I know Santana has hurt you that's why you are hurting her right now by sleeping with me. But everyone has hurt me and they still expect me to give back. You all are selfish."
She calms down a little bit but not too much. She isn't going to let me win too easily this time. And she knows I am not going to let her win either.
"You have hurt people too, like Finn you left him for Quinn his ex girlfriend. You have a lot of nerve saying I am hurting Santana. I know you are fucking her too, how do you think that makes me feel? You are splitting us apart. Instead of just us being selfish, you are being the same."
Brittany is saying all this is calm anger, she is taking steps closer to me, becoming bolder. Brittany has always been brave, they all have.
"You all broke me down to do this. All your insults just became me, you made me this way." I close me eyes because I feel me eyes watering up and I don't want her to see my weaknesses again.
"You need to learn how to stop blaming everything on everyone else but yourself." I feel Brittany's hands rest on my shoulders, softly but her voice isn't matching her actions.
"I am not sorry" I say, my voice cracking just a little bit and she notices.
"I know you aren't but I am. High School was torture your first three years because of us. Yeah you can blame that on us but you can't blame us on what you have turned into."
Her hands start gripping my shoulders a little tighter but not too much. When I open my eyes I feel her lips on mine.
"You are full of surprises" I whisper in her mouth. Her hands rub down my arms to my waist.
"I am full of love I just can't get rid of." She whispers back.
A tears drops from my eye she just wipes it away with her lips.
"Me too Brittany" I admit and finally kiss back.
"There is nothing we can do to kill it." Brittany says, breaking the kiss apart.
"No there isn't. You love Santana, I love Quinn... But why can't we love each other?" I take a deep breath and wait for her to answer.
She rests her forehead on mine and whispers "We can"
"Are you sure there's is not a thing as too much love?" I ask, keeping my hands to my sides.
"Not if it's with you" she says softly and it is making my heart beating faster.
"So this is love?" I question, closing my eyes again. Scared about the answer.
"Yes" is she all she has to say for me to kiss her again.
It's not as sloppy as our first kiss with no emotion. This time I feel something there other than lust. I still want to take this to the next level but I am not rushing. I want to take this slow.
"Do you want to?..." Brittany asks shyly.
"Of course I do but can we add some feelings to it this time?" I ask, resting my forehead on her shoulder.
"I don't even think I can even hold them in anymore" she whispers in my ear.
I smile and take her hand. I walk her over to the bed but this time it's different.