ASL Chapter 13

Bad Omens

EPOV:

I've been home from the hospital for three months. It has been five months since the accident and I am no closer to remembering that last thirteen years of my life than I was when I woke up in that hospital bed. I spent weeks being frustrated as hell at everything and everyone before I had finally had it.

It was just a couple days after I got the final brace off my leg. The leg was taking longer than they had expected it to for it to heal. After I got the regular cast off they made me wear a leg brace and walking boot. I was irritated by it and frustrated as hell, and I ended up completely hitting a wall during my physical therapy session with Bella. They still made me use my crutches to get around because my leg was still weak from not being used for almost half a year. She had me at these parallel bars and I was to walk down and back using the bars for support. Bella was walking right behind me. She was always standing next to me to make sure that I didn't fall down and get hurt. Right. That may be true in a physical sense but I don't think that anyone really understood what was going on inside my head. I mean, I have talked about a few things with Emmett and Bella, but not everything. There was a lot that I was keeping to myself. There was a lot that I felt I needed to keep to myself.

Things at home were strained at best. I have no idea who I had been for the last thirteen years but I had no idea why or how I fell in love with Tanya and married her. Don't get me wrong, she was nice and pretty, but we had very little in common. The only conversations we ever had that weren't strained or forced was about Ethan. He was the only reason that I had not moved back to my parent's house. That thought made me feel guilty. Tanya was so kind hearted and she was doing everything she could think of to make sure that I was happy and taken care of. That is why I won't tell anyone just how unhappy I really am. It wasn't her fault this happened. It was mine. I was finally starting to understand what my parent had always said about having to live with the consequences of my actions. I was there.

Ethan is such an amazing kid. He was incredibly smart, funny, and affectionate. I loved that kid so much. I guess that is normal since I am his father. That was still hard for me to grasp. I have a son. No. I have a son that looks exactly like me. He had been really nervous about starting school and we had a hard time getting him out the door that morning, until Tanya promised him that she would be in the building too and I would be at home waiting for him to get back and tell me all about his day. Where else was I supposed to go? I was still in the leg cast and using crutches; I was stuck here until someone came by to save me.

That is exactly how I felt. Stuck. I was stuck in this house and I was stuck in this life. I wasn't even a doctor anymore. Bella and I had that talk right after my cast came off. I understood that they had to do it. To be honest I didn't care one bit. If anything, it was a relief to get that pressure off of my shoulders. I didn't know what I was going to do now, but the thought of being a doctor didn't appeal to me at all. That was the really weird thing because I've wanted to be a doctor since I was ten. Finding out that I didn't have to go back to a job that, in my mind, was chosen for me by someone else felt freeing. It was like I finally had a choice about something in my life. Now I just had to figure out what I wanted to do.

Tanya was still attempting to be affectionate when we were alone. So far, it has mainly been when we go to bed at night. Or she will try to cuddle into my side or hold my hand when we are watching TV together. Luckily that has been rare since school really got going. She's been very busy with lesson plans, PTA, and grading papers. When she does bother me though, it's always the same thing. She wants me to be the man she married and I just don't know how to be that guy.

The whole thing has had me getting more frustrated and angrier with every passing day. She either doesn't get it or didn't want to get it. I just wasn't attracted to her like that. And she did try a couple of times to start something with me. I luckily had the excuse that my leg was still in the cast and it was hurting. That got her to back off without hurting her feelings, but I still felt like an ass rejecting her advances.

I wasn't exactly lying about the pain though. Especially after a physical therapy session with Bella. She was tough on me and wasn't about to let me get away with being a slacker. She pushed me physically, and even though it was hard and sometimes I really just wanted to tell her to fuck off, I worked harder.

That is where I was now, pushing my weak leg to be able to support my weight. It did not want to cooperate though and I started to go down again. As always, Bella caught me and held me up until I could get my bearings. I started walking again, only to have my leg go down on me again. Only this time it was the supposed good leg. Bella had caught me and lowered me to the floor. I laid there for a moment before I punched the floor with my fists and let out a scream of frustration. Bella pushed me back down to the mat when I tried to get back up.

"Stay there and rest for a moment. You're done for today. I am going to go get you a wheelchair."

"I don't need a damn wheelchair." I snapped at her.

"Yes, you do."

"I said that I don't need that chair. I can walk."

"No, Edward. You don't want to use the chair, but you do need it. There's a big difference. You need to listen to me before you hurt your leg again. Or is that what you want? You want to be stuck in a cast again?"

"No," I answered sullenly. I hated when she got all logical like that. But damn if she wasn't cuter than she normally was when she was ticked off. Bella was exactly the kind of girl that I usually fell for. If I wasn't stuck in a marriage with Tanya, I would totally be asking Bella out or someone just like her. But I couldn't even entertain that train of thought. My life was what it was and there was nothing that I could do to change it.

One look at her and I knew that she was going to win this argument, so I gave in and allowed her to help me up and into the chair, "Come on, we're going to head to my office for a soda and a long talk."

She had a way of making me feel bad about acting out. I hung my head and kept my mouth shut as she walked ahead of me. When she realized that I was not following she turned and narrowed her eyes at me, "There is nothing wrong with your arms. Get moving." She turned and started walking away again. I was still sitting there as she got to the door, "I mean NOW Edward Cullen!" I grabbed the wheels of the chair and pushed myself forward. I moved as quickly as I could to try to catch up to her. I didn't want to make her any angrier than she already was.

Tanya POV:

I was such a horrible wife. When my family was getting ready to leave to go back to Alaska all I wanted to do was beg them to take me with them. I was tired, frustrated, and literally at the end of my rope. That was weeks ago and still nothing has changed. I didn't know what to do anymore. But when I married Edward I vowed to be there for better or worse and in sickness and health. I wanted to believe that this was just one of those times that challenge the strength of a marriage, but as time has passed I was losing hope of ever getting my husband back. That was all I really wanted, my husband.

My mother pulled me aside before she went home and told me that she was worried about me. My family could not believe how different things were between Edward and I since the accident. She told me that where he once looked at me as though I was his sun, he barely even looked at me or even talked to me now. It was true. It felt like I had to initiate every single conversation that we had.

I sat in a café having a cup of coffee and looking over my students' homework. I really loved teaching more than I ever thought I would. It was thrilling to walk into my classroom every morning and look into the faces of my eager, smiling students.

I looked down at my watch as I took another sip of my coffee. I still had another twenty minutes before I had to return to the hospital to pick up Edward. I sighed, put the papers down, and stared out the window. Let me rephrase that. I had failed at trying to seduce my husband. Twice. I was a failure. That is all that kept running through my head since my attempt. Failure. Failure. Failure.

It was a bit scary the way that he would just agree with whatever I suggested. He never spoke up or gave his opinion about anything. I found myself wishing that he would argue with me or fight me on something. Anything. This attitude of resignation that he had was not him.

Thanksgiving was tomorrow and I was not really looking forward to pretending that we were one big happy family. Emmett and Esme were going to be doing most of the cooking this year, as Emmett and Rose really wanted to have the holiday at their new house. That was fine with me. We had the holiday at our house last year and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with the stress of hosting a big family holiday. Besides Edward's family we also invite Emmett's parents and Jasper's. I know that Emmett invited Bella to join us, but she declined saying that she was spending the holiday with her Dad so that she could spend Christmas lying on the beach with her mother in Florida. Emmett wasn't allowing Alice and me to bring anything for the dinner. He said that we had our hands full and were too busy to worry about it.

A throat clearing pulled me out of my thoughts and I looking up to find a good looking gentleman standing there, "I'm sorry to bother you but I was wondering if I could sit here." I looked around the café only to see that the place had filled up completely while I had been lost in my thoughts. The extra chair at my table was indeed the only available one left. I nodded my head and he sat down immediately, "Thank you. I'm Felix and you are?" He stuck his hand out to me.

"Tanya." I replied shaking his hand.

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you Tanya. You're a teacher?" He asked, pointing to the papers on the table. He asked me about my job and how I liked it. He asked about me. He told me that he was a clown. Like a real clown that people hired for kid's parties. I was a bit surprised.

"I don't think that I have ever met a clown that wasn't in costume." I smiled at him.

"Costume or not, true clowns never pass up an opportunity to make someone smile. And you looked like you really needed a reason to smile. Tell Chuckles what has you so sad?"

"Chuckles?"

"Yes I go by Chuckles, Peter Peanut, Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo, Billy Banana, and my particular favorite, Aunt Yoo Hoo."

"Aunt Yoo Hoo?" I laughed.

"Yes. I'll have you know that I based her off of my favorite uncle in the whole wide world!" That was it. I lost it. I laughed so hard that I knew I was drawing the attention of the other patrons, but I didn't care. I had not laughed this hard in so long and it felt good. It was freeing.

"Success! Thank God! I didn't want to have to turn in my clown license because you wouldn't smile for me."

We talked for a while more before I peeked at my watch and realized that I was now late getting back to get Edward. I started throwing my papers back in my bag, apologized for just running off in the middle of a conversation and took off out of the café. I had just buckled my seat belt when I looked up and found Chuckles about to knock on my window. I rolled down my window as he held my phone out to me, "You left it on the table." He handed me both the phone and a business card. When I looked back up at him he smiled, "In case you and your husband ever want to hire a clown for your son's birthday." He turned and walked away as I stuffed my phone and the business card in my purse and took off for the hospital.

EPOV:

"Talk to me." That was all she said as we entered her office and she shut the door. She leaned back against it briefly before going over to the fridge and grabbing us some soda.

She handed me the can and I just sat there staring at it. I didn't even realize that I was crying until she handed me a Kleenex. She didn't say anything. She just let me cry until I was ready to talk. When I was ready I looked her straight in the eyes, "I want my life back."

"What life is that?"

"The one in which I am living with my parents, going to high school, and being carefree."

"That hasn't been your life for a long time. You can't have that life back."

"I know."

"Do you? Do you really want to give up your son?"

I shook my head frantically feeling mortified at the insinuation I accidently made. I could never. I would never.

"Ok. Do you really want to give up Tanya?"

I just shrugged at that and heard Bella gasp. It was the first time that I had made my feelings on Tanya known to anyone.

"What are you saying?"

"Nothing." I mumbled, keeping my eyes trained on the floor. "I'm saying nothing."

She grabbed my hands, "Edward look at me." I took a minute before I raised my head to look at her. "Talk to me. I can't help you unless you talk to me."

"It doesn't matter. There's nothing you can do to help me."

"You don't know that. If you are having a problem you need to talk about it. Whatever it is, you can tell me. Or Emmett. Have you talked to Emmett about it?" I shook my head no.

She gripped my hands tighter in hers, "I hate the idea that you think that you can't confide in me."

"It's not that. I know I can tell you anything. It's just that there is no solution."

"There's always a solution. Tell me about the problem and let's see if we can come up with the answer together."

Finally I was so frustrated that I completely lost my cool and let everything out, "I've tried to find a solution. I've had nothing to do but sit and think since I've been stuck in this damn chair. But if you want to know what my problem is I'll tell you. I am married to this woman. I don't know who the hell she is but I do know that I don't love her. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life next to her, but that is exactly the life that I am stuck with. I can't leave her because she has been nothing but great and kind and caring and doesn't deserve to be hurt. And that is exactly what would happen. I would break her heart if I leave her. Then there is my family who would be upset with me for leaving her, and my parents would be so disappointed in me. I know that they are already disappointed that I have failed to regain my memories. And then there is the fact that I have no clue what I want to do for a job. So tell me Bella. What is your great solution to my fucked up life?"

"First of all, no one is disappointed in you that you have not been able to recall your lost memories. If anything, they are merely disappointed in the situation, but never, and I mean NEVER you. Second, it would hurt Tanya more and be cruel for you to stay with her if you don't love her. Think about that."

I didn't get to respond to Bella because at the moment Tanya knocked on the door and let herself into the office. She had a strange look on her face as she asked if I was ready to go yet. Bella handed me my crutches and told Tanya that I should stay off my legs as much as possible tonight to allow them to continue to rest and recover.

We got out to Tanya's car and as we pulled out of the parking lot Tanya glanced over at me quickly, "How was your session today?"

"Fine." She sighed at my one word answer and didn't say another word for the rest of the drive to my parent's house. Dad talked us into staying for dinner, saying that he had ordered enough pizza for all of us since Mom was helping Emmett prep for tomorrow. I agreed first. The last thing that I wanted was to get stuck in the house alone with Tanya tonight.

A/N:

Happy…er…Friday. I am going to be running most of the day tomorrow so I am posting now.

The clown names are a direct reference to the clown on the Mary Tyler Moore show. He went by all those names. May he rest in Peace. (if you don't know the story of how Chuckles died ask and I will tell. It's also available in a google search. It's one of the most iconic episodes in TV history.)

We're time jumping a bit and there will be another one in chapter 14 which is off to Sweetpea123 tonight. She is amazing and fixes my crimes against grammar for me.

See you next Friday and remember reviews get teasers. MWAH!